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Grandparenting

Feeling low and rejected

(76 Posts)
Annali Mon 06-Jan-20 07:18:26

Hello ladies
At the risk of sounding petty, I just want to express how low I am feeling due to my DIL telling me gleefully how much my GS has had such a wonderful weekend with her family friends. She had pics all over FB. I live a few hours away from on GS and don’t see him often, unlike these friends of DIL. I am worried my 2 yr GS won’t know me. My son FaceTimed me earlier; I had to call back as I was busy but when I did. My DIL text me to say there would be no FaceTime as son and GC were busy and besides, GC was tired after fabulous weekend. I felt she was being spiteful. I feel rejected and hurt. Any advice on how I can overcome these unpleasant feelings?

Sara65 Mon 06-Jan-20 07:36:37

You are probably reading too much into it, maybe your daughter in law was just happy rather than gleeful, and surely there is no reason why they can’t spend the weekend with friends.

I know it can be tough when you’re so far away, but you have to make the best of it, don’t let them see you’re put out about it, that could very well have the opposite affect, and annoy them

craftyone Mon 06-Jan-20 07:40:42

Less is more Annali, send a message card or similar to all of them, just say how wonderful that they had such a happy time with friends. Put a heart and kisses and sign it and post it. Then forget about it, let it go and try and get involved in something closer to where you live.

Doodledog Mon 06-Jan-20 07:46:26

I think Sara65 is right. FaceTime/Skype/phone calls are all great ways to keep in touch, but they need compromise on both sides. You were busy and couldn’t take the call, then so were they. It works like that sometimes.

Can you agree a time when both of you are free and do it again then?

As for the weekend - yes, your DIL will want to spend time with her friends, particularly if they have children the same age as your grandson? Young people do tend to put everything on Facebook- I doubt she is gleeful- just letting her friend know that she’d had a good time. She probably wasn’t thinking about you at all when she posted (in a neutral way, not an unkind one!) and wouldn’t think that you would get upset.

Try not to let it get you down. I’m sure your grandson will love to chat with you when you have found a time that works for all of you.

morethan2 Mon 06-Jan-20 07:49:29

I’m sorry your feeling so miserable but please believe me your feelings are normal. I’ve often felt the same. I’ve got no real advice on how to feel better but I can offer some advice on how to handle things.
Firstly tell your DiL how pleased you are they are having such a wonderful time and thank her for any photos.
Secondly I can assure you that although you may not see your precious grandson often if you give him the best time you can when you do you will be making happy memories for him.
The way I handle my own negative feelings is I repeat a little mantra to myself to push the thought away. It’s not always possible to do that so try to distract your thoughts in a way that works for you. A brisk walk, watch something uplifting. I know it’s hard but sometimes we just have to push through our feelings. I don’t feel I’ve been very helpful it’s hard being a mother in law.

NfkDumpling Mon 06-Jan-20 07:49:31

The FB posts are a way of thanking her friends for a lovely weekend. I’ve noticed it’s normal for hese posts to get a bit, well, gushing! The Facetime rejection may have been true or may have been a little bit of tit-for-tat because you rejected the earlier call from your DS. There’s no way of knowing. It could just be that you’re feeling the distance and a bit left out. It is hard I know, but keep it to yourself, push the feeling away and don’t let it fester.

On your next Facetime call perhaps you could invite them to stay with you overnight, including a night’s babysitting to give you one to one time with your DGS?

BlueBelle Mon 06-Jan-20 08:30:30

Oh please don’t get so involved that a small thing (which I know seems big to you) can bring you so low Your grandson had a lovely weekend with young people and possible little friends too that’s exactly as it should be and you should be delighted for him and that your daughter in law has friends to spend time with
As for the face time it wasn’t convenient for you, you rejected their call and then it wasn’t for them what’s the difference!
Please please don’t let yourself be in the position that a simple thing like this makes you low
We have to live our own lives and then any other things are a bonus
Do you really think missing a weekend and a FaceTime will mean your grandson won’t know you, that’s a bit dramatic annili Keep the relationship alive by liking your daughter in law she’s not your enemy, she’s his mum and obviously doing what’s best for him Invite them over to tea next weekend
And dont put all your eggs in one basket

janeainsworth Mon 06-Jan-20 08:44:27

Wise words from Bluebelle.
I’m afraid I can’t understand why you would begrudge your little grandson. DiL and DS an enjoyable weekend.
Nor you being upset that your DS was busy when you FaceTimed. Why was it spiteful of your DiL to text you? She was probably just tying to be helpful and save you from repeatedly trying again, when your GC was going to bed.
You should be very careful to avoid letting your apparent jealousy and dislike of DiL to become obvious, or you really will have a problem on your hands.

cornergran Mon 06-Jan-20 09:29:24

Feelings hurt sometimes annali don’t they, but perhaps best to stand back and think it through a bit as others have suggested. It’s wonderful that your grandson had a happy weekend, I’m sure you wouldn’t want anything else for him. Sometimes FaceTime is hard with a 2 year old, picking the right time is important As already suggested check out when FaceTime works for you all and be prepared, better to see a happy grandson than a grumpy one who won’t cooperate. I’m sure your daughter in law was just trying to save you from a frustrating attempt. We’ve got a similar situation in that one of ours sees someone from our daughter in laws family daily and is far more used to being with them than us. We’re delighted they have so much loving support close by but sometimes feel a pang of regret that we don’t have that easy, drop in contact. Then we think about our times together, they are special to us all and we try to make them exciting and happy. We are loved no less. It will be the same for you. As your grandson gets older there may be the opportunity for him to come and stay, in the meantime try to keep cheerful with your family, if you can travel one thought is to arrange to meet for a lunch or afternoon somewhere between your two homes. I can understand your feelings, it’s good to acknowledge them but now let them fade away. Send a card, children love to get their own post, it’s a rarity now, arrange FaceTime and look forward not back.

NotSpaghetti Mon 06-Jan-20 09:41:36

Annali, try to be happy for them and that will make you feel happier. When we harbour negative thoughts it not only becomes steadily worse but we really only damage ourselves and cause further misery. It sounds like your grandson had a lovely time with friends and his little family. This is how it should be. You would be feeling so much worse if you had a son and daughter-in-law never mixed or had any fun days with him.

As others have said, be pleased for his joy, look at the photos with a smile on your face and hopefully you will feel better soon.

💐

Madgran77 Mon 06-Jan-20 10:12:48

This does not sound spiteful annali, just practical as not a convenient time, (like earlier wasnt for you) normal family life. Bluebelle gives good advice. It is good that your grandson had a nice weekend, and that the family enjoyed themselves.

ladymuck Mon 06-Jan-20 10:18:26

You know her better than we do, Annali. Therefore you know whether she was being spiteful and deliberately trying to hurt you.
I hope this isn't a case of grandparents vying to be the favourites. That would be so sad. It is also very sad that grandchildren are often used in this way.

sazz1 Mon 06-Jan-20 10:20:51

The only time I feel like this is when I see on Facebook that one of my DGC is in hospital and DS or DIL haven't bothered to tell me before announcing it there.

jackie0 Mon 06-Jan-20 10:26:07

i, too, have a dil who spends so much more time with her family and friends and makes little token appearances to me with my gs. son knows it is unfair but opts for a quiet life.

feel for you, but i have learned thru these posts and my heartbreak over christmas, that i must never let her see how much it hurts. i smile, i praise, i bite my tongue!

Beanie654321 Mon 06-Jan-20 10:26:44

You DiL could bring your GS to visit. Take no notice of her behaviour just think there is nice that your GS had a lovely time. He will not forget you as you are his Nana. I have these feeling when my DiL family do things with my GC, it's to be expected. Being a GP is not a competition it's a blessing. All I do is look at the pictures and realise this is not about me but about my GC and as long as they are having fun does it matter with who.

dizzygran Mon 06-Jan-20 10:30:17

Sorry you are feeling low and hurt. To giveDIL the benefit of he doubt, GS is very young, and we all know how important GC re to us. Send a text saying how sorry you were to miss them and happy they had a good time. Hopefully son will get the message and next facetime will go well. It sounds as though it is difficult for you to get to see them. Maybe you can meet half way or invite for a weekend or overnightstay. But keep in touch and don't fall out - it is easy for situations/ relationships to get worse. xx

Gingergirl Mon 06-Jan-20 10:32:34

I would give your dil the benefit of the doubt and in any case, your gs won’t be aware of it at all. Personally I would text my son at a time that might be good for them and ask if you can FaceTime them .....arrange something so that you can get past this. Its a fact that our adult children will have a life without us but of course, you want to be included sometimes. I don’t think it will get that your gs won’t know you. I only see my gc a few times a year....and would like it to be more, but distance prevents this. They certainly know us and your relationship will constantly evolve with your gs I’m sure. Try not to focus on it too much.

Riggie Mon 06-Jan-20 10:35:43

I agree with the pp, you can hardly say its not a convenient time to facetime with them, then moan when they do the same. Why not chat with them about when a mutually convenient time would be?

I dont know what your situation is, but contact works both ways so can you make an effort to go and see them? A friend gets uo at silly o clock to make a monthly visit by train to visit her grandkids for a few hours. She diesnt expect to stay over, but its easier for her to travel to them than for her son and dil to have to pack two littles onto the train for a long day.

endlessstrife Mon 06-Jan-20 10:41:28

I would just echo everyone else. Is your DIL normally fine with you? Is this a first? Young families need to live their lives without worrying they’re offending someone. Please don’t overreact to this. You may be lining up for a fabulous weekend with your GS yourself, you don’t know what’s round the corner. Don’t ruin it before you’ve given a chance for it to be good.

Saggi Mon 06-Jan-20 10:51:08

I certainly hope my grandkids have a great time with their friends ...just like they have a good time with me , when I have them over. I want them to enjoy all of their relationships.... I know I will soon be out of their ‘eyeline’ as the eldest is 12 and the youngest 8. Take what you can when you can and don’t let envy get the better of you. Your DIL could’ve been less effusive and more understanding , but she’s not. Don’t think she meant to sound spiteful even if it came across that way. Deep breath.... and start again.

Luckygirl Mon 06-Jan-20 10:53:38

Here are some positives:

- DGC has had a wonderful time with some other children.
- you DIL had fun with her friend
- your son took the trouble to facetime you.

There is no reason to think that your DIL was being "spiteful" - that is quite a leap of logic! After all, you were not being spiteful when you had to put your son off when he did the same thing.

I do know how easy it is to read too much into minor things when we are feeling low; but it is very important to be able to make the distinction between genuine insults and those that arise because of our pre-existing low mood.

It is a feature of depression to read negative things into entirely innocuous happenings - I know, because I have been there. If you are generally low in mood then it might be worth chatting to GP.

Of course your GC love spending time with other children and having fun with them - I am sure that this is what you want for them really. And your DIL had fun with her friends. Please do not begrudge them this.

Try to take joy in their pleasure, and convey that to them. They will love you all the more for it.

josiew58 Mon 06-Jan-20 10:57:12

It's difficult I know but it does appear that we lose our DS's once they have partners and children, Dils tend to gravitate towards their families and it does leave us feeling very much out in the cold. I can hand on heart say that I was as guilty as the next with my two children's paternal GP's and my sister nor I knew my dads family at all, he sadly died when I was 10 and any contact that we had had with the family stopped there and then. I am in the situation now, my two GD's certainly see more of their other GP's, although they aren't far from me I hardly ever see them or my DS and yes, I get hurt (and jealous) and I can either let that eat me up and be miserable or I can accept it for what it is and enjoy the DS and GC when I do see them, they call me naughty nanny !! As a few posts are suggesting, the FaceTime wasn't a deliberate snub, try making contact again and arranging a mutual time to talk to them. Good Luck xx

Rosina Mon 06-Jan-20 11:00:25

It's so easy to get down over these things; I have got a little 'miffed' about a few family matters when I have felt left out - but later I have reflected that I haven't actually been left out, it's just that we can't move around as one group continually, and it's better to smile and say 'how lovely - really pleased you all had a good time' as any suggestion of a slight sulk is not likely to go down well. As Luckygirl has said above, show you are pleased for them and that will be much better all round. This time of year doesn't help emotions either - gloomy January.

cathieb Mon 06-Jan-20 11:00:42

When my children were young communication was so much more limited - weekly phone calls to my parents and in-laws 200 miles away and occasional letters with precious photos enclosed and two or three visits a year. The range of possibilities now : FB, FaceTime, Skype, texts, WhatsApp etc is huge and wonderful but I think also a double edged sword. We now expect to be in constant contact and too easily feel hurt and rejected if it doesn’t work. I am not convinced that it is healthy to such high expectations of closeness. I sometimes have to remind myself how important my friends were to me at that stage in my life and accept that I may not be at the centre of the universe of my children and grandchildren and that this is normal.

Semiruralgirl Mon 06-Jan-20 11:10:04

I understand how you probably feel. I too live a long way from my GC, and don’t get to see them as often as I like - maybe about 3 x per year. I have noticed though as they get older that they have minds of their own and can keep in touch - texts etc, phone calls, emails - maybe not regularly, but as previous Grans have said, you have to accept it. There is rivalry sometimes between 2 sets of grandparents, often the DIL leaning more to her family which is understandable, but can be hurtful. You don’t say if you have a DH or close relative etc who you can share your feelings with. Also, this time of year is most difficult, we all feel at a bit of a low after Christmas etc, January Blues they call it. Perhaps you could invite the family to stay with you at another time of year for a weekend, or arrange a visit for your GS that you could take him to eg Legoland, or something similar? My ( ex) DIL was devoted to her mother, and I accepted that, we never saw the family at Christmas, our slot was 2 days at New Year, when we visited them and took the GC to the panto, and it became an annual treat. You are not alone, but do try and think of little treats that you could share with your GS ( and his parents) from time to time. Best wishes.