Feeling low and rejected

Thank you so much everyone - too many of you to thank individually but I have read every one of your responses and have taken on board your WONDERFUL AND WISE advice!
You are all correct in what you say and advise. I am being ridiculous and silly. The problem is I want my GS all to myself which is completely unreasonable, I know. I do struggle with my possessiveness and wonder why I feel like this. Makes me very miserable. Thank you all once again x

I am in same boat regarding DIL always putting her parents first and my S always going along with it. I also have mood swings over this which hopefully I manage to hide from both of them. They always have Christmas dinner and morning with her family which despite all our efforts to try to change this and alternate between us has never amounted to anything. They know how we feel and we compromise with us getting a couple of hours at tea time.I am not allowed to share any pictures of GD and not to post comments on FB even though I only have a very small amount of friends on my page and I am very security minded,I do not have DIL or my S or D on FB,so do not see anything they post which saves my sanity some. Unfortunately I did accept DILM and comments sometimes irk me, So I have a little rant to myself about it and then try to let it pass. Hopefully as she grows older GD will choose to spend some time with us and will never be aware of the jealousy I sometimes feel towards her other GPs

It's understandable to feel like this. I feel at a loss when my son goes off on fabulous holidays with his girlfriend and her whole family. Skiing and Morrocco with her extended family. I cannot offer such holidays and feel a little out of the loop but then, my son is having a lovely time and that is all that counts really. I understand how you feel and I can suggest that a call to that Samaritans can help, they are good listeners and non judgemental and can help you see things from a different angle, it just helps to talk feelings through.

Why is her daughter in law guilty of anything madmaggie she spent a weekend with young friends
Whats the badness in that?

Annalise - this is the low time of the year, short daylight hours, bad weather, post-Christmas. Talk to DS, and find out if you and he can you make a regular weekly time for you to Facetime DGS. And maybe fix a date (eg Easter Saturday) when they can visit or you can take him out or meet halfway between the 2 homes

You have my sympathy Annali. It can be rough and Christmas isn't fun for many. Especially when you have to grit your teeth when you want to scream. I hope your dil is guilty of thoughtlessness and not deliberate meaness.

I am sorry you feel so sad but unless there is more to it than appears I don't think your DiL was be I NG deliberately difficult. He probably was very tired after a busy weekend. And I know from experience that you cant make a fractious child cooperate on Skype.
I know it's hard but try to be happy that your GC is having a lovely time and then when you do see him savour the moments.

It's easy to feel excluded Annali when everything is out there on social media, I can understand that. Don't take things to heart so much, its good your family is having fun and enjoying their life. You are still Grandma that doesn't change. As others have said, keep in touch with your grandson with little gifts and cards. Tell your family you are happy for them and take time to enjoy your own life.

Go to a shop, buy yourself something really nice, and send a photo to dil. Show her that she can't hurt you. Or have a lovely meal out and send a photo.

Keep it friendly sounding of course.

Being at a distance from family when it is not your choice is painful and unnatural. This is not what you bargained for or expected. Thus, these telephone contacts are your lifeline. While they are important on the other end, they do not have the same intensity or meaning as they have for you. A missed call doesn’t mean they have dejected you but simply have a life too. Just as you were unable to take their call.
Unless you move closer to your family or they to you, it is never going to meet your needs because your idea of family and expectations have been thwarted. Learning to accept the situation is your only choice for your own well being.

I wouldnt get upset by it because it happens all the time now with things like FB etc. Before FB they could have spent the weekend with friends without you ever knowing. I know the feeling though because one of my DDs knowing I am ill said how she wanted to come and see me but couldn't afford the flight (about£50 return) then I see her out at restaurants for 3 nights out of 4. She isnt young either it's just that now I have served my purpose I am not important anymore. It's just how life is these days with some so I ignore it instead of letting it upset me.

I haven’t read all the posts as there are many long ones.
I would just like to say that your d-i-l may or may not have been spiteful, but if she is that way inclined, showing you are so hurt will only make her worse. Stop looking at Facebook, get involved in other things that give you pleasure.
Like josiew58 I could have been kinder to my in-laws. I wasn’t as understanding as I might have been. They lived thousands of miles away and we only saw them annually. It must have been horrible for them not seeing their son or grandchildren very often but at least I never sent photos of them including my family. I wish I’d been kinder. Too late now.

Just wanted to say, I'm so glad there is no 'like' feature on this forum (at least, I don't think there is!). Very much healthier that way and leads to a better discussion I think.

I have had too busy for 2 yrs plus bad smell happened in 2016, snakes shitted on family.

The tone of text messages can be misunderstood. I once sent one to my daughter saying ‘are you coming for dinner on Sunday?’ (The tone in my head was light and friendly.)

She read ‘ARE YOU COMING FOR DINNER ON SUNDAY!!!!’
and responded sharply.

Lesson learned. I read and re-read messages to see how they can be interpreted and often add a smiley face

The best advice I can give is to come off Facebook. I was constantly upset by seeing stuff posted about estranged children. What I don't know can't hurt me. Big hug

MOnica

Such wise words: (as always!)

I am prone to post-viral symptom and every cold or other bug is followed by a couple of weeks of feeling low and negative about everything

We could all take this to heart. Indeed Psychology research - the good sort! - has shown that the depression which is part of a virus such as a cold often actually reaches Clinical measures! The trick is to keep telling yourself it is only temporary! Plus take care of yourself and don't bully yourself into working too hard. Rest, drink clear fluids, eat what you enjoy and do whatever makes you happy or helps pass the time.

Good luck everyone! I am coughing and sneezing and crying because I lost my new Hearing Aids. I need to follow my own advice! And that of yours, good and valued Wise Friends!!

As a paternal granny, and also living some distance away, I feel your pain! People don't realise that when a precious grandchild is born, all your maternal instincts kick in all over again, and it is so powerful. The love you feel for a grandchild is profound, so being apart is difficult. However, I am learning to accept the different and new family dynamics, and this has led, I believe, to having a very good relationship with my DIL. I know a girl needs her mum, but MILs can certainly come into their own. I'm sure your DIL didn't mean to hurt you, but having a little put down does sting a bit I know. This happens to me too, and I've realised I have to be patient and look forward to the next time. As well as facebook, there is a photo site they use called Lifecake, where the maternal side and friends certainly feature more than the paternal family I 'like' everything, but mainly focus on my beautiful GC and parents. As someone else said, plenty of tongue-biting needed and acceptance of the situation. My offers of babysitting though, have been really appreciated and I arrange facetime 'appointments' (same day usually) which work well. Little GC definitely knows me and bursts into smiles when we 'chat' and recognises me when we meet. Thank goodness for this wonderful technology. Perhaps a short holiday together? Be proactive and arrange visits. Perhaps they can have some couple time while you're there, which is what ours sometimes like to do. Another idea which they have initiated is to visit places of interest where there are things to look at and do. Generally we/I do the visiting which is easier for them, but they do come here occasionally. I make myself useful and available whenever I can (I'm still working) and enjoy the time with GC in the moment. Perhaps try and get to know your DIL better and take an interest in her life too. We're all still learning about life I think. Keep the communication going. xx

This is how you lose them....please, please play nice, smile and look happy , don’t use the word spiteful about your DIL - she is the mother of your grandson and gets first dibs. Whatever you do, don’t try and get between them. Make sure your life doesn’t revolve around them. You’ve had your family, and hopefully you have treasured your time with your son as he was growing up. Now he has married and has a family of his own. Let them enjoy their family without having to worry about whether granny is happy or not. It’s their time now! Get a life outside and be thankful for the modern technology of texting, WhatsApp, FaceTime etc. (And be thankful they didn’t emigrate thousands of miles way!) And don’t forget the postal service.....could you send your grandson little postcards for your son to read out to him, maybe the odd children’s book to read a story at night “from Granny”? I did that with my granddaughter and she loved getting surprises from her grandmother. Be a nice smiley granny, not resentful unhappy granny. They’ll love you for it!

Annali How very sorry I am to hear how low you feel. You must not reproach yourself or call yourself petty. Your feelings are genuine and you need comfort and deserve help. I tend to agree with Sara65 and others who suggest that you may be reading more into your DIL's behaviour at this time and I do agree about how, living a long way away, one can feel so cut off and begin to worry that the GC will forget us. I too live a terribly long way from my GC but at least in the same country, some have family abroad. I get very upset about missing my GC and my AC and when I managed to see them at New Year on leaving I cried nearly all the 4hour coach journey back.
I agree with Luckygirl and Saggi and others that your GS may well have been playing with young friends and naturally had a great time with them. My GC all enjoy each other's company enormously and when we meet they spend time with each other rather than with me!
I will say however, that although we are asking you not to read too much into what the DIL does and says, we do not know her and you do, therefore you are in a position to be able to interpret her actions. If she is rather inclined to be spiteful towards you, then please protect yourself. Try to have access to your GS through your DS. Next time you speak to him arrange to FaceTime him with his son, so that the mother is left out of the arrangement. Do not moan about her to him though. If you must say anything sound supportive and just say you know she is very busy. Her attitude to you could stem from any number of reasons, if she does have an attitude at all. She may be jealous, or nervous even. We do not know how people see us. Try and keep the relationship light and be easy-going with her and see if you can win her round. It's just a suggestion, you will know best as to whether it would be worth trying.

Meanwhile work on raising your mood. You deserve to be happy. This is a very low time of year. Many people are depressed now and it can last into February. Please treat yourself well. Try and see your friends, maybe arrange a little outing or simple thing like going for a coffee. Concentrate on making your life pleasant and reward yourself. Don't push yourself too hard. Your DGS will learn to know you and as he grows older your relationship with him will grow stronger. Young children are not that good at FaceTime in my experience, but later they become very adept. My 14 yr old GS spends hours on FT with me showing me his complicated science things. He used to show me the camps he built in the garden too! The relationship will grow, believe me! Distance does not matter!

I do hope all the friendship you have here and the abundance of understanding responses have helped you feel better. Sending you lots of love, Elle x

There are things you can do something about and things you can't. You have made a good start by recognising that these are unpleasant (and unhelpful) feelings and posting on here. If it doesn't feel too silly, try this: Take a piece of paper and write down the unwanted thoughts and feelings. Next tell yourself, out loud, that you really don't need them. Then crumple up the piece of paper and destroy it or throw it away. Burning it is good, if you can do that. You have now got rid of the feelings, so put on a coat and go for a brisk walk and - if you live in an area where people do speak to each other - challenge yourself to smile and say 'Happy New Year' to three people, whether you know them or not. I think you will come back feeling a lot better.

Sounds perfectly normal to me. Nothing to be depressed by.

My DGC live over 200 miles away. We see them about six times a year. We get lots of photos of them with family friends, godparents and the other grandparents, all of whom live locally to them. When we get together we have a great time. They have just returned home after Christmas spent with us.

Anali is this feeling a symptom rather than the cause of you low and rejected feelings. Could you be suffering from depression, or perhaps some physical problem. I am prone to post-viral symptom and every cold or other bug is followed by a couple of weeks of feeling low and negative about everything. I had it over Christmas and found myself getting very down, because DGS is more reserved than his sister and is not as extrovertly affectionate as she is. I was well aware I was being ridiculous at the time, but couldn't stop the feelings, now I am out of the psv, I am completely unfazed by DGS behaviour.

What's sad is it's made you feel like this maybe because you don't see your GS enough and then it feels like salt is being rubbed into a wound because DIL is happy his had a nice time.
Take a step back what is it you hope for? To see your GS more, to have him over to stay more.
Or just carry on as you have been?
Therefore it's easier to accept your GS will be doing lots of different things and his life will get busy as he gets older.
Accept how you feel, let it go and be happy that your GS is happy.

How often do you get to spend time with your son and his family annali? Is that an issue for you?
Our granddaughter lives a distance away from us and my daughter often posts pictures on Facebook of their weekend outings, just the three of them or with friends. It's lovely to see them enjoying themselves as a family.
Do you post a nice comment and "like" the photos your daughter-in-law posts? You can share the excitement that way.
I also send my granddaughter a little something in the post occasionally, maybe some stickers as she loves those.
Do you have WhatsApp on your phone? You can share photos and messages using that which might make you feel better as it's a bit more personal than Facebook. Easier than trying to co-ordinate timings as well.

You are right, of course, cathieb but as a regular user of WhatsApp I do think it's different as it's
a) personal to you if you want it to be and
b) doesn't make you have to be in contact at the same time so it's not a problem if one of you is busy.

This means if I ask the grandchildren questions they might record little answers for me, they send me photos and videos of what they are doing, regularly contact me to show me random skills and say " look look under this seaweed" or "watch me plant this tree" or whatever.

I love it and the way it keeps relationships alive between contacts.

It may not be direct in the same way as facetime but it does really make you feel involved in their lives. And it is SO easy.