Feeling low and rejected

I am in same boat regarding DIL always putting her parents first and my S always going along with it. I also have mood swings over this which hopefully I manage to hide from both of them. They always have Christmas dinner and morning with her family which despite all our efforts to try to change this and alternate between us has never amounted to anything. They know how we feel and we compromise with us getting a couple of hours at tea time.I am not allowed to share any pictures of GD and not to post comments on FB even though I only have a very small amount of friends on my page and I am very security minded,I do not have DIL or my S or D on FB,so do not see anything they post which saves my sanity some. Unfortunately I did accept DILM and comments sometimes irk me, So I have a little rant to myself about it and then try to let it pass. Hopefully as she grows older GD will choose to spend some time with us and will never be aware of the jealousy I sometimes feel towards her other GPs

Thank you so much everyone - too many of you to thank individually but I have read every one of your responses and have taken on board your WONDERFUL AND WISE advice!
You are all correct in what you say and advise. I am being ridiculous and silly. The problem is I want my GS all to myself which is completely unreasonable, I know. I do struggle with my possessiveness and wonder why I feel like this. Makes me very miserable. Thank you all once again x

I'm currently estranged from my adult child, consequently my grandchild too...?
my DIL parents live close by to my grandchild , walking distance, I always felt second best , us
mil 's have a raw deal. I looked after my grandchild every week , but was never able to see her any other time, unlike dil's parents, who every day popped in and saw everyone. I was never invited for a meal or to celebrate any occasion , I always felt as if I was treated differently , no matter how much support I gave. I don't have any advice , sometimes there's no right or wrong , go with your instinct , mind came true, I knew once my gorgeous grandchild started school I wouldn't see her. Life can be cruel.....

Could you move closer to S, DIL & GS? If so you'd be able to offer to help with baby sitting etc and you'd get to see GS lots more. I've been feeling out of the loop with 9 week old GD. Then this weekend DIL was asked to go to a work do while S is working. So she called me and asked if I can look after GD while she's out. I said yes with pleasure because it means I can be with GD and I will amend my own work schedule to make sure it's possible.

It probably feels unfair but I think if we can be useful to the family we see the GC more.

A word of caution.

Moving closer to am adult offspring with their own kids does not guarantee more visits, babysitting or more contact unless it is what the parents want.

As people, we must have our own identity outside being parents , grandparents, etc and not to base our whole lives in those roles.

I would never go on FB simply so I never have to encounter any of this. Also someone said upthread that their son agrees with his wife “for a quiet life”. They ALL do. I asked my DH why men always went along with what women wanted and those were his exact words. As mothers of married sons we will never come first. Hard to accept but ’twas ever thus.

could you not invite them all over for the day? or how about taking your grandson out?. i have given up with the outlaws ,glad they moved to a seaside town in kent. now i got my daughter back .sounds bad its not ,i thank god that my prayers were answered ,i have forgiven mil for her .snide remarks and ways of controlling my daughter. ok daughter and children go to them on school holidays but i dont have any contact with inlaws now. no telephone for emergencies after all she my daughter not theirs.my daughter more pleasant to me now.i can sense she returning to the daughter i know.shame really as mil son died 2 years ago ,but she cut everyone off. my daughter managing two young children very well through bereavement.our church has been wonderful.something went on over christmas as i asked d was she going to mil's home. NO she said in a small voice.so i didnt press her to tell me. they went after christmas for 3 days.souinds like your gs had a busy weekend .bet he glad to get home. let things ride for a bit then invite them for easter (march)........

I don't think any hurt was intended. Maybe your son was just trying to settle your grandson for a nap.

I do know how you feel, however. Once I phoned my best friend, really needing to talk to her. She said 'I haven't got time to chat as I'm just on my way out'.

I could have cried. I think I was already feeling low and it was just the last straw.

PenE if seeing what DILM posts upsets you just unfollow her. You will still be 'friends'. But you dont have to see what she posts unless you go on her page. Click on her name to take you to her page. Under her photo the second choice is unfollow, click on that and then confirm. You then won't be see anything she posts unless she replies to something you post. During the recent election unfollowed several friends who posted so many political posts that I wasnt interested in seeing.

Hithere is right to sound a word of caution. Take time for yourself and friends Annali there is a whole world out there not just our family roles.

Annali I’m glad you’re feeling a bit better and that getting things off your chest has helped.
If I can add another word, if you try to see the best in people, you usually see the best side of them.
Good luck

One of my grandsons (then 2 years old) lived further away and we only saw each other occasionally. I managed to build a relationship via Skype/WhatsApp. I asked when was a busy time for his Mum and often it was when she was cooking tea. We made a regular ‘date’ to play with Nanna via the iPads. I always had cars, Playmobil/fisher price people, toy cups, spoons and other pretend play items handy. We would then Brm brm our cars across the bottom of the screen and the police cars would ‘nee na’ past etc. Have tea with the little people and feed them favourite foods. Try singing songs. Also have a few appropriate picture books to show and name objects. Then, when we got together every 2-3 months, I was a familiar person who he wanted to see and play with. Might be worth trying next time you speak. Just remember how short the attention span is at that age! Good luck, it will get easier as they get older

I live 20 minutes away from my son but rarely see them. Get pictures sent of them doing things with DIL's family. Granddaughter was going to stay with me a few weekends ago but I got a call to say she preferred to stay with her aunt on her mum's side. Had even not gone away that weekend because of it. Have just got used to it, now. I don't think young children are very good with Skype etc and I don't think I'd be, either. In my experience it's always more difficult having a relationship with your sons children.

My only son isn’t married, and we definitely see a lot more of both our daughter’s children than the other grandparents. We get on really well with one set of grandparents, and we all get together quite a lot. The other granny we have never met, I wish she was a bit more hands on sometimes, when I’m rushing around with them, but my eldest granddaughter doesn’t like her (step granny).
Her grandparents live locally, and are nice people, but don’t show much interest in seeing her very often.
Funny how different people are.

After all the buzz of Christmas and New Year you are probably a bit low as a lot are so you will be extra sensitive to what happened. Sure your DiL was really warning to let you know your GS has had a great time and that was all. If this isn't the norm then you have nothing to be concerned about.

We have been very fortunate, both families have melded as one and refer to each other as 'family'.

The other grandmother lives close to our DS and wife and has been marvelous support for them all on a day to day basis, but we always knew we couldn't possibly do that as we lived so far away. But we are good at things like DIY and curtain making and over the years have done various odd jobs for them or advised them about how to get things dne and how much things cost.

I think the thing is for each grandparent to develop a style of grandparenting that suits them and their family and not compete. As the mother of a son, I must say I have had no problems at all with grandparenting. I love my DDiL dearly and I have every reason to think that love is reciprocated.

Like most things, it is a question of compatible tempraments

Maybe better not to do FB...then you’re happily unaware...very freeing...

I can identify with you josiew58;been there done that and have the t shirt.

Sweetness

I totally agree, I am completely oblivious, no idea what anyone puts on Facebook, no desire to know.

Annali
I know just how you feel and sympathise. But best not to let dil know she’s upset you. I think being a mom to grown up children is so hard, especially if their partner is the one who makes all the plans.
All you can do is enjoy your grandchild when you get together.
Facebook is so dangerous, this a place to show off and sometimes in a cruel way. But I’m not sure your dil was directing it at you , so don’t take it to heart.

Dear Annali
So sorry you are feeling low and I don't think you're being petty at all. Your DiL could've handled this a lot better and had more compassion toward you. If this was her DiL behaving like this in a few years time she would feel just the same. Maybe it's time to come off Facebook to prevent it being used as an opportunity to gloat and ask your son to send photos and plan in visits for the year as a gentler way of staying in touch. In the meantime you may want to find out about self-compassion. It's all about practicing loving kindness to yourself at such times. There are exercises that invite you to place your hand on the pain (often the heart) and allow warmth and loving kindness to flow through at the same time saying things like may I feel calm, loved, protected. I hope this helps and that you will soon feel better. I do hope this post finds itself on to Mums net so that DiL's can step into the shoes of their MiL's and practice a little more sensitivity and kindness.
What goes around comes around.

Eagleswings

I think it’s also worth remembering what it’s like to be a daughter-in-law.

I’m sure she means no malice, she’s a busy young woman, a mum, a wife, her time is limited, she wants to enjoy her weekends.

Another thing, as so often, she’s getting all the blame, where’s your son in all of this? Could he not pop over and visit with the child?

I know you feel sad and hurt, but stop looking at Facebook, and when you do get to FaceTime be upbeat and cheerful, otherwise, that too will become a chore for them, rather than a pleasure.

My daughter lives a good 3 hrs away, she works during the week, so weekends are a mix of running round picking up shopping, housework, and taxiing children to b'day parties, sleep overs etc. and socialising.

Her in laws see loads of them as they don't live far away, we end up hearing all about their activities and seeing videos and photos but she can't see my FB page nor I hers. Sometimes too much information isn't a good thing.

The way I see it, is we should be glad to hear how happy and busy our children are and remember that our job as parents is to prepare our children for adulthood, then let them go. It sounds as though you did a really good job, and now have the joy of being included in his life via the news given to you by your DIL. It's brilliant that she tells you all about their lives, men are renowned for being hopeless at sharing any news. How fantastic that cares for you enough.

Please see all this chatter as something positive......you won't regret it!

Annali, I'm sorry you were feeling low before, but glad you saw the wisdom in the advice given here. As it is often said, we can't control how we feel, only how we act. So, no doubt, sometimes, you'll feel left out, especially since you live at such a distance. And like many GPs, you will wish you could have your GS to yourself, sometimes. But, as long as you don't complain to DIL or DS or push for things that are not likely to happen, I think you'll be ok. Also, I suggest not dwelling on your negative feelings when they occur. Hopefully, focusing on other activities/relationships will keep your "possessiveness," etc. from making you so "miserable."

PenE and Aqua - Hugs! PenE, could you possibly invite DS and family over on another day during the Christmas season? Does it really "have to" be the Eve or the Day? I know it seems unfair that DIL's parents get all of that till tea time. And, IMO, it is a little unfair. But as long as you get together and are able to give the GC their gifts, etc., isn't that the most important thing? Please give it some thought if you haven't already.