Husband not welcome at family events

I feel very sorry for you Caroline.
I was in same position but my sons decided right from the start that they would invite both my 2nd husband & my ex. to all family events starting with 1st DGS first birthday party. I should state that I was to blame for the split up & 2nd husband much younger than first so you can see the potential problems!
It was awkward at first but now it is fine. I get on very well with my ex. ( he was always a really nice person (we just married far too young)& now he & DH2 can chat quite amicably. It took a while to settle but luckily we are all sensible people & all love the 6 DGC. It can be done with a bit of effort & a lot of goodwill.
Good luck!

Are the children siding with their dad? Without knowing this I don't feel I can comment.

It is the impact on your future relationship with your grandson that probably counts the most, even if there is a difficult triangular relationship going on in the other generations for reasons unrelated to this grandchild. If you have been invited by your children to this happy event, especially if you missed their weddings. I'd go on my own in good spirit, rather than risk causing further upset in the family or driving a bigger wedge between you and your children. If your second husband is frail, perhaps you can find a friend to call in on him while you are out.

Regardless of the history between the parents, the children should be adult enough to forgive and move forwards in their lives. A christening is the ideal opportunity for a fresh start.

Sadly, I suspect the parents just want a christening for the opportunity to dress up, have a party and receive presents but don’t give a toss about the promises they’re making to their God in the Church.

As an atheist, I’m appalled by these fake Christians who haven’t any interest in upholding supposed Christian values.

I would go alone.

It would be useful to know whether your children socialise ok with your second husband apart from occasions where the first is present. Do you visit them and they you? Will new baby be able to visit and you to them? If it is just when first husband is around well, as has been said, a church is public. I'd go and sit in the public area with second husband if he wants to be there and then not go to the party if he can't. I'd have done the same at the weddings I think.

* Sadly, I suspect the parents just want a christening for the opportunity to dress up, have a party and receive presents but don’t give a toss about the promises they’re making to their God in the Church.*

Judgemental. I imagine you typed this out looking like you were sucking on a lemon.

Well it looks like you left your husband when he was in his seventies (and you in your late 40’s? ) and married. Time flies in your later years. To your ex probably seems like yesterday and when you say it is because of his ‘attitude ‘ that your sons won’t invite your present husband couldn’t it also be described as because of their 94 year old father’s feelings? They know it would upset him. As a mother and grandmother you can attend. Sometimes the cost of our behaviour is high. From the little we know we assume that your first husband was deeply damaged by your leaving him. There might even have been a perceived betrayal. I doubt if the 94 year old ex is robust.
When I left my first husband our children were abandoned by him to punish me. If he’d have stuck by them I can imagine my new husband not being welcome. I’d have gone by myself. Rarely can you have your cake and eat it even if you think you deserve it. Life’s hard and full of difficult choices. I doubt if your present frail husband is desperate to attend whereas your first husband and father of the children will be much happier not having to face him. I’d sacrifice my comfort zone for theirs in this case. You don’t have to stay long.

My DH, his brothers, and his late mother all hated his step mother. who had been cast in the role of home wrecker by his mother, during their growing up!
However we didn’t even consider not including her in the wedding invite, despite his mothers objections, and she just had to bite the bullet, and attend on our terms or risk missing out on her eldest son’s wedding day.
So I find it odd that the son allowed this situation to prevail! as surely having your family celebrate with you is half the point of the day!

Caro57 Quote [Perhaps your sons need to be told to grow up! Second (and more) marriages are more than common these days. ] End Quote

Perhaps her sons were left with their father to bring them up when he was in his retirement which could very much account for their attitude even to this present day.

In truth we do not know, and stating that any person should "grow up" when you are not in any way aware of the full facts demonstrates a very judgmental attitude by yourself Caro57.

I don't think that adult children should be forced to have a relationship with a new partner and, unless your ex is taking a new partner, they have invited you and it is up to you whether you accept or not. I would in your position unless it is really going to upset your husband.
I met my husband's wife a couple of times but she wasn't particularly welcoming and I would not have continued to keep in touch with her. Being in different countries solved that problem.
You missed the wedding. It will be your choice if you miss the Christening but it sounds like cutting off your nose to spite your face if you choose not to go.

And what happens when your ex is gone? (at 94 he wont be around forever,its just a fact of life) will your sons STILL side with him?you should have nipped that in the bud 20yrs ago,your ex calling the shots! Did you leave your ex for the current hubby,is that why they've all closed ranks against him?

Been there, got that t shirt. In fact, even I couldn't attend weddings etc. Emotional blackmail, put the kids in a terrible position.

Why doesn't the OP respond to the various questions from others on here? It is impossible to reply without understanding the situation fully.

I can totally understand if you wish to stand by your husband and not attend events that he’s not been invited to, but to be honest I wouldn’t miss my AC weddings because of it, I would go along to see my grandson christening too, your ex has a right attitude on him spanning all these years doesn’t he, but we don’t know the circumstances behind this

Either you go alone to the christening or you stay away as you did the weddings.

How does your husband feel about you attending without him?

Do you see your sons at other times?

You have put up with your sons' vindictive father ruling the roost for twenty years, so I wonder why you expected or hoped him to change now.

As far as I can see there is no right or wrong solution here, other than the one you feel will cause least harm.

I am truly sorry you have this trouble and sadness.

In your place, I think I would stay at home and not attend.

It maybe that the adult children show priority to their father because he is on his own whereas Mum is ok with someone to share her life with. I think it very selfish to deny Mum a place a her sons weddings. Carolyn 1950, go to the Christening on your own. Make no drama about it. Make sure you spend time with your sons and grandchildren in the future. Perhaps your adult children can welcome your second husband at times when their father is not present?

I think this is a "control" aspect. The OP says her ex won't be in the same room as her husband of 20 years and this is impacting on family events. Clearly the ex is a very controlling manipulative person. My ex is just the same, won't attend anything that I attend, walks out of family homes if I show up etc etc. He was like that all through our disasterous marriage, always had to have the upper hand, always called the shots, always had the final say! Miserable bugger!!!! In support of the OP I would say to stand her ground, speak to other family members and fight your husbands corner. I often suspect that people like that are bank rolling the ones involved.

I agree with grandad 1943... Carolyn asking for advice but when pressed for more detail to enable us to advise....can’t be bothered to clarify... says it all really....

Rereading this, Caroline (if you're still here), I realize it's not clear if you "couldn't" attend your DSs weddings b/c of your X' feelings or b/c your DSs were angry at you (perhaps for leaving their dad). In fact, I'm not sure if they didn't invite you or said (as one of them is saying now) that your 2nd DH wasn't welcome and left it up to you whether to attend or not.

If it was the last one, apparently, you chose to stick by DH and stay away from the weddings. Now you seem to be uncertain as to whether or not to make the same choice regarding GS' Christening. What has changed?

Also, I'm not clear on why you mention that DH is "frail." Is that why XH doesn't want to be in the same room w/ him (you mention it in the same sentence)? Or do you feel you can't leave him home alone? Or do you feel he can't attend an event like a Christening, anyhow, that it would be too stressful for him? The answer makes a difference, I think.

Clearly the ex is a very controlling manipulative person

Not necessarily. I know someone who couldn’t bear to be in the same room as her ex - and given her ex’s behaviour when they were married I didn’t blame her. He was an absolute stinker and she was very close to her children who had witnessed what he’d done. I’m not saying that the OP had behaved in the same way but in the absence of a response from the OP it’s impossible to know who’s being unreasonable.

When an OP doesn’t come back to give us essential information then I think we are wasting our time.
Don’t you?

I agree.

Emotions can run high and weddings and funerals have a tendency to bring this out in people.There is nothing to stop you attending your GS christening on your own as much as this may upset you if this is the only way having already missed both your S weddings. Clearly your ex is holding the whip. Are you to be forever letting this man control you ?He cannot prevent you entering a place of worship and attempting to do this is not in his own interests if he has any consideration for your and his sons.

Well, for all those criticising the OPs ex-husband and her sons for their attitudes in this situation, I would direct their attention to the attitude of the opening poster in regard to this thread.

Having requested advice with the situation she claims to have found herself in, she then cannot even return to this thread to respond to all who have taken the time and trouble to give the advice the OP requested.

Perhaps the above demonstrates the attitude of the opening poster to others, and in that the root cause of her problems.