Horrible grandchildren....HEL P

The mother is probably stressed and hoping she is approved of by parents and siblings and the kids recognise the stress and act up
Its a circular problem they seem to behave with the mum and behave with the grandparents but when the two mix they pick up the vibes and get out of hand

Was just going to add that Bluebell*The mother is probably stressed and hoping she is approved of by parents and siblings and the kids recognise the stress and act up*

The mother is feeling like a scapegoat?

www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/scapegoat

IMO young children need 2 parents. 1m, 1f. otherwise they become wild. Feminists will disagree.
I speak from experience , having tried to bring up my 3 on my own.
If that's not going to happen, your daughter will find out eventually.
There will be so much more going on in the minds and feelings of you grand daughters, Muddigran. They're not horrible.

I disagree.

How on earth did those women manage during wartime without their fathers.

And what about fathers in the forces?

Ridiculous.

Inter-generational family dysfunction.

ananimous
My father was absent during WW2 and I became wild, As did many of my friends.

Could you try to have a chat with the girls along the lines of ,
“ You know how good you are at Grandma’ s ?
Well sometimes I feel sad because I know what good girls you are and sometimes you run around and are very noisy and Grandad doesn’t like it.
Well we are having a party for grown ups and I want you to show me how nice you can be. Grown ups parties are a bit boring aren’t they ? Can you help me ? What can you do ? Can you give out the biscuits ? “
You’ll have to watch them all the time , lots of eye contact and smiles but you might prefer to do that and maybe promise a reward of a colouring book to occupy them ?
If new foods are a problem tell them what to do if they don’t like something.

I dont remember this magical time of double parenting. I remember dads getting home after bedtime and kids being told not to bother them..

Two parents intensively parenting a child together is a very very new idea.
I do not buy the harping back to ANY time when that was any sort of norm

When I was growing up it was remarkable and rare for dads to actively "parent"

Fennel I brought up 3 boys on my own. None of them were wild except when it was acceptable. They all knew how to behave. It takes time and effort but it can be done.
It sounds to me as if these children actually want more attention from their mum. Could you perhaps ask her to spend the first 10-15 mins of any social occasion playing with them? Take a game, books, crayons that they can do together. You may find once they have some attention they calm down.

Children are like flowers - They blossom with care and attention. The opposite without it.

I'm with Missfoodlove here.

Muddigran.
You must be feeling wretched by now.
You chose an attention grabbing headline, I’m sure you meant that the behaviour was horrible not the children themselves!

You have been judged and pulled to pieces.
I am sorry. You sound like a caring mother and grandmother who just wants to help.

I suggest posters read muddigrans posts and take a few minutes before responding.

If I was Muddigran I would have hit the gin and left gransnet by now.

I was also going to bring up thst a lot of women had to manage as single mothers during and after the war.
My DD is certainly not wild.
Horribly judgemental comment Fennel
As you say you were wild can we have details?
might be good to read

I agree with the comments that the 2DGC are acting out as they want more attention from mum.
In which case what can anyone else do other than talk to her in a direct manner.

Sometimes honesty is the best medicine.

I'm not sure what noisy and unruly means though.

My DGC are constantly active at the moment, never stop for a moment, but they have been through phases when they have quietly done puzzles, played with toys written plays and stories.
I usually try to find them some new activity if they are coming for any length of time, eg baking, playdough, etc.

It's not really the weather to push them outside into the garden but perhaps they'll be better when they can let off steam outside?

I thought the OP had made it clear it is not when they are with her alone but when mum oi present but ignoring them,

Do you never correct the children when she is there?
What happens if you do?
If it was a family gathering and they were misbehaving,
and you told them firmly to stop, and made sure they did,
how would she react?
You can't go on like this.

OP asks for advice on how to talk to her DD about this.
In return she is being pulled apart and criticized.

OP can you have time with her in a one to one? or with one of her siblings.
I can only think that honest discussion and offers to help her are best.
Don't attack her but give her "feedback" that her family are concerned that the two girls are behaving badly and that no-one knows what is the best thing to do.
Maybe your DD will be relieved to have the issue talked about.
If she is upset tell her you only want to help because otherwise people won't want to be around them.
When my DD was a child I had a friend who had a very badly behaved son and no-one wanted to say anything and we all avoided him.

pinkquartz there is nothing stopping a grandmother providing activities for them or sending them out into the garden when mother is there too.

Muddigran On a totally practical level ...Just wondering if when you all go out do you take some things to distract the children ...a couple of new books/puzzle books or similar "quiet" toys/activities depending on their interests. If their attention is caught they might settle a bit better

A mixture of advice here on this thread. Maybe take from it what resonates for you and your family situation

I justvwonder if mother and grandmother want an adult chat? The children react because they want attention.

I havensomething for mine to do next weekend when they come. It didn't cost much and it could make a mess(!) but I hope will keep them occupied until bedtime and stories.