Gransnet forums


Contact denied with GD

(43 Posts)
Ntmb Tue 14-Apr-20 19:20:01

New to this site, in turmoil not being able to see my granddaughter, dad has custody after my granddaughter was removed from my daughter’s care 3 yrs ago (very distressing time) I have a good bond with my granddaughter so it was an awful time, she lives 2 hrs away with dad. We went to court for access because he made it very difficult for us to have contact with her, we now have a court order in place for weekend visits every month and a FaceTime every week which we never get, because of C19 he’s used this to his advantage to make contact impossible, FaceTime/ calls are promised but never materialise. Does anyone have any advice or should we go back to court? Thanks

GagaJo Tue 14-Apr-20 19:54:36

If you've been to court once, I would do it again. Obviously, you can't have the actual visitation now, but he should still be following through with the facetime / phonecalls.

It must be so distressing for you to have no contact, particularly at this time, especially after what you went through with your daughter.

I'm no expert, but I would keep a log of the contacts you try to make. Calls that are missed. When you actually do speak to him / get messages from him with booked times for calls and any excuses he makes.

notanan2 Tue 14-Apr-20 20:01:07

Even many parents who have non resident contact visits are putting it on hold right now so do you not think that putting things on hold during lockdown might actually be the right thing to do in the circumstances?

Granny23 Tue 14-Apr-20 20:37:34

As a total outsider who knows nothing of what has gone before, it seems to me that now is not the time to threaten with further court action. I am presuming that Dad is now functioning as a single parent during these difficult times. Perhaps the best thing to do is to keep your distance but offer any support or help you can give and keep up contact with your GD by sending cards and gifts by post?

Ntmb Tue 14-Apr-20 20:38:38

Thank you for responding. I accept that contact / visits can’t happen at the minute which he will be revelling in and using to his advantage but calls and face are also being denied.

agnurse Tue 14-Apr-20 20:40:25

Consider that your GD and her father are going through a difficult time right now. It's possible her father isn't working. Going to court is expensive. That could well be food coming out of your GD's mouth. I think you need to consider what's really in the best interests of your GD.

Ntmb Tue 14-Apr-20 20:44:13

Yes dad is a single parent but chops and changes into different relationships constantly. We have supported him from the start emotionally and financially, we have gone above and beyond, we have a special bond with our granddaughter which is currently being denied. We have been trying to FaceTime since Friday which he agreed to.... again he agreed to do so today, we just want to keep the contact going during these uncertain times. I cannot send cards in the post because he will not provide his address to us.

Ntmb Tue 14-Apr-20 20:46:13

Going to court needn’t be expensive if you represent yourself! I think I may of
Made a mistake posting here for support!

agnurse Tue 14-Apr-20 20:51:55

It's not just expensive for you. It's expensive for him, too. It's also going to cause a disruption in the family - which your GD will sense.

I think you need to consider whether this is truly in her best interest. He doesn't owe you contact in exchange for your kindness.

notanan2 Tue 14-Apr-20 20:53:40

The "cost" of court is not just the financial expense. Its also the mental strain you put on you GDs primary carer every time you do back.

That is not good for your GD. She needs him and if he is stressed she is stressed.

Ntmb Tue 14-Apr-20 20:55:47

He owes his daughter contact with her maternal family which the court has agreed to. It’s about control with him we are only asking for telephone contact during this uncertain time which he’s denying his daughter of, she has needs also!

notanan2 Tue 14-Apr-20 20:58:31

These are not normal times.
You know nothing of how they are/arent coping at the moment but are insisting on only assuming the worst, which contradicts your claims of how supportive a person you are

Perhaps GD is not coping well with lockdown and is refusing to speak to you against his efforts.

You just dont know.

notanan2 Tue 14-Apr-20 21:01:45

The fact that he is agreeing to calls which then aren't happening strongly suggests it is the child refusing.

Children are all reacting differently to lockdown and some are NOT revelling in being plonked on front of facetime to "perform" at every relative that calls.

All adults are coping differently too.

You do not know. You just dont. Nobody is fully themselves right now but what is for certain is you assuming the worst and adding pressure to a family at this awful time probably wont endear your GD to you long term

notanan2 Tue 14-Apr-20 21:04:11

Of your post focused on how to keep in contact. Or asked for alternative suggestions to make... that would paint you as more reasonable, and therefore less likely to cause the little family stress, than someone whose first instinct is to go back to court!

notanan2 Tue 14-Apr-20 21:04:25


Hithere Tue 14-Apr-20 21:08:46

It is hard for young kids to engage via video call- their attention span is 2 mim max and then they get bored.

How often and how long are the videochats?

notanan2 Tue 14-Apr-20 21:11:27

My kids have both at different times outright refused to come to the phone to say hi to Nan (who we are all close to)

The fact is that during lockdown there may be more people calling or wanting facetime than usual. And once kids start to hate it, forcing it doesnt help.

It does sound like he is trying but its a no go. He is not refusing is he, he is agreeing then it doesnt work out and happen!

MissAdventure Tue 14-Apr-20 21:46:59

It wouldn't be the first time a parent with custody makes access difficult/impossible, despite agreeing to it.

Iam64 Tue 14-Apr-20 22:01:44

The fact the OP has a court order suggests this was carefully considered by a Judge who had full view of all the facts. As we know, grandparents have no rights to have contact. The child has a right to continue significant relationships. The fact the Court made an Order suggests a significant relationship exists.

Usually court documents disclose addresses to the parties. If you don't have the address where she lives , do you know the paternal grandparents. Is there any way you can send a small gift, like a book or drawing kit, you don't say how old she is. I'd try and maintain some indirect contact, postcards, letters, the occasional small gift during this lock down. I'd avoid Court if you can - if you were legally represented can you ask your solicitor to arrange mediation?

Starblaze Tue 14-Apr-20 22:18:05

Facetime isn't always working right now with so many online. I've not been able to facetime anyone, even with fibre broadband. Children don't always like it either. We are all missing people. Just have to be patient.

MissAdventure Tue 14-Apr-20 22:31:11

I would probably think it important, under the circumstances, to let the other party know that I wasn't deliberately denying access.

Aroundwego Thu 16-Apr-20 13:40:29

How old is she? Only one of my three would be happy to be plonked on a demanded rather than they asked for FaceTime.

Eglantine21 Thu 16-Apr-20 13:45:33

Yes, I wondered how old she is. It does make a difference.

Aroundwego Thu 16-Apr-20 14:24:03

It does indeed. This could be a preschooler who’s frankly going to show you the ceiling while wondering off talking about paw patrol cute but not really a call or a preteen/teenager who might not want to be forced to have video chats every week. In the middle you might have a child who’d love to chat but dad is being a butt but sometimes what’s best for the child isn’t what others want from the child. I hate video calls as a adult and avoid them as much as possible.

eazybee Thu 16-Apr-20 14:33:17

You need to register that you are not able to access contact via Facetime, but as civilly as possible; visiting is not going to be possible at this present time, I would think.
Make it clear that you understand the circumstances but that you intend to pursue the contact you are entitled to when normal patterns of life are resumed, otherwise you will face accusations of not bothering.