OP
Remember some facts
1. It doesnt matter where you come from, culture is not an excuse to ignore other people's wishes and needs and rights.
There are abusive people in all countries, cultures, social classes, etc.
2. Being assertive and telling her no is not being disrespectful
If anything, she is disrespecting you.
Dont be scared to stand your ground even if you feel you are "disrespectful with elders"
3. Are you also African?
My dh and I are from different cultures and we respect each other's customs.
If something doesnt work for me or him, we dont do it.
For example - in his culture, they shave the baby's head at 1 y.o. and it is a huge deal and milestone.
In mine, there is nothing like that and I told him my kids would no go through it.
Problem solved.
My ILs were super disappointed. They managed to get over it.
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Grandparenting
A new mum unsure how to handle her MIL
(40 Posts)Hello everyone. I’m a mum to a little 15 month old boy and have been having problems with MIL since he was born. I’m posting here instead of Mumsnet as I don’t want this to turn into a bashing MIL thread but desperately need advice. Before ds was born me and my mil had a lovely relationship. But I started noticing a few things when I was about to give birth that I didn’t feel comfortable with.
Just before I gave birth she asked me if I wouldn’t use a dummy on ds as she never did with her two boys and doesn’t agree with them. She asked me this as her “one wish as a granmother “. I also had a friend who gave birth but didn’t breastfeed for longer than 2 weeks which she was very opinionated about in front of me which made me feel like I had to or I would be judged as a bad mother from the get go. Thankfully both me and ds enjoyed bf so it didn’t cause any issues however I did feel pressure on her behalf.
Anyway the real issues began when my little boy was born. I had told her that she could come once ds was born as I wanted my mum and dear partner with me in the room. Sadly this was not respected she made her way to hospital as soon as she found out and also brought her friend. They were both nurses so managed to convince staff to let them into the room. I found out I was having an emergency Csection and mil was taking pictures etc no even giving me space to process the situation. A few days later she visits and I’m talking to my midwife on the phone about ds bellybutton as I was a bit concerned she took the phone out of my hand to speak herself. It made me feel like I wasn’t doing a good job. She even suggests holding ds in the backseat instead of putting him in a his car seat to not upset him. She would come by daily and wouldn’t ask to hold my son but instead would just take him of my arms. Place him back when he was hungry and take him away as soon as he had finished feeding. She would even check to see if he was latched on if he was taking a bit longer. And as soon as he wasn’t she would take him from me. Throughout that whole time I would be so tense as I just wanted to hold my newborn especially because I had to wait a while to hold him after he was born due to the csection ( it’s silly but I just loved holding him).
One time she asked to pop by randomly I was in my rob and underwear but said okay as she is family but when I opened the door there was also a random women who I had never met standing there. I felt so uncomfortable and judged by the random person.
It’s also caused some issues in my relationship and my dp. He has a strong relationship with his mum. She posted pictures of my son on her social media as soon as he was born without asking. Which was an issue as I didn’t want pictures of him on the internet just yet and when other members of the family asked I did say to hold of until I was ready. Anyway I understand she didn’t know and simply asked if she wouldn’t post anymore and to ask about these types of things in the future. A few days passed and my partner got a call from her saying that she got a message on Facebook saying “ stop it” and thinks i had asked someone to send it. This was very untrue and made me feel as though she never really saw me as the daughter she said she did. I was shocked and upset but the fact she went to my partner bothered me even more. Which caused us to argue. Although he did believe I had nothing to do with it.
We also had different opinions of ds foreskin which I won’t go into as it’s a very private matter but it’s one of the biggest issues I have with her. One I will never forgive but never got an apology for anyway.
Fast forward a couple of months and we told her to not visit so often as we needed our family space she was hurt but that was that. Until she started constantly mentioning that she wanted us to always show ds a picture of her or something that smelt of her... which is weird to me as my parents live 2 hours away and see him less often and she was still visiting him every week. She then once said at her house surrounded by her friends she only held my son for 15 minutes which wasn’t true. She constantly tells me that “ I know you love him but you’ll never understand how much I love him it’s different “ . Which I don’t appreciate to be honest. She wanted to set up my sons bank account herself. When I complained about how painfull csection recovery was she mentioned how she had made full course meal for her extended family days after hers. She’s had an input on all our decisions like our house being close to her place of work. Our car. Etc .
She’s getting married and is well off so is doing a wedding abroad. We said that was great but we would book our own flights / hotel so we can find prices that match our budget but she spoke to my partner on how she would rather we did like them... even if it wa out of our budgets to start paying it of now. But I just don’t think that’s fair to be honest as we have a lot we want to do and accomplish within the this next year. Now that we are in quarantine she’s been doing window visits everyday and I just need to do something about it. Because I feel so unhappy with this situation and frankly don’t want her around my son.
Please could I have some advice is this normal? Thank you in advance.
@Hithere thank you very much. I do feel I needed to hear that straight up. I have been scarred to offend which is why this has gone on for so long. No im not from any country in Africa. But I’m thankful for your replies they’ve been very helpful. Yes my mil mentioned it to me to shave little ones head also but we just put it off and never did it. I’m happy it worked out for you X
What an absolute nightmare for you I would never behave like that with my grandchildren how they run their lives is totally up to them.
When this lockdown is over and done with now that you and your partner are on the same page regarding his mother I would not invite her to your home but ask your partner to meet her say once a week with your little boy for an hour or so,she will soon get the message just keep firm with your decision and don't be bullied by her as that is what she is doing,also get those curtains closed and don't respond to her when she arrives.
Why have you put up with this unacceptable behaviour for 15 months!!! At least now, this lockdown gives you the chance to set new ground rules when restrictions are lifted. Your partner needs to be fully on side and, united, you tell her the new family rules and that there will be no deviations. Also, consider moving house if you can afford to.
Your mother in law is from a "country in Africa". Then perhaps she is traditionally something or other about mutilating babies' genitals, which is illegal.
Good that your husband is involved as perhaps he can gently persuade his mother that mothers in law are not so very important in Europe.
As others have said it is your husband who is key in this and you have to work together on the problem.
She is being very disrespectful and behaving very inappropriately indeed and she has to realise that it will not be tolerated and that she is not the one making the decisions about your lives or your baby!
Hithere gives good advice above 
I know it is not easy to face
I too like Hithere's attidude of non-interference, if I may so describe it.
Thank you to everyone who commented! I’ve had a good conversation with my partner and told him a lot of the stuff he was in dark about. It was a hard conversation but glad it happened. We have slightly different views on the frequency of visits etc but we’ve decided that I should send her a text similar to this thread and then when lockdown is over have a conversation with her in more depth. Thank you again for all your comments I’ll try and keep everyone posted
Why should you send her a link to this postman
Why is not your partner handling his own mother?
Conversations explaining your boundaries do not go well.
Link to this post, sorry
She didn't say that Hithere she said we’ve decided that I should send her a text similar to this thread which isn't quote the same.
I think personally that a text is a mistake as it's in writing and will almost certainly be picked over and probably negated and maybe ridiculed. I think your husband kshould speak to her initially.
Good luck!
Notspaghetti
Thanks! I misread.
I agree with you
I have read this before, probably on mumsnet.
Your MIL is behaving according to her culture and is most unlikely to accept that there is anything wrong with her behaviour. There is by our standards but the important thing is that you and your husband need to be united for anything to change.
I encountered cultural differences in my marriage (not as extreme but it means I “get” it). You either function as a small family unit or a wider African type one where grandmother rules the roost. Neither is correct. They are simply different.
If you are unable to compromise on any important point then you have to know if your husband is going to support your viewpoint and back you up. If he won’t then your marriage is doomed and the sooner you split the better.
To give an example. I suspect you are hinting that she expects your child to be circumcised, you do not. Before you decided to have a baby was this not discussed?
There are pros and cons to male circumcision (I have spoken to an NHS urologist who said many of the problems he deals with in men could have been prevented if the patient had been circumcised at birth) though the current climate in this country is against.
What if your baby had turned out to be a girl? Would FGM have been expected? Do you even know? This would be totally unacceptable, not just in this country but in every civilised culture.
This is the problem in “mixed marriages” which being in love makes you both blind to until clashes arise.
You have to consider whether your husband is willing to compromise and you have to know what issues you would never compromise on by sitting down and discussing it.
To use mumsnet speak - you have a DH problem, not a mother in law problem!
I’m very sorry you are dealing with this as this sounds like a true ordeal you are facing. Unfortunately you must put your foot down and make it clear that this is you and your partner’s baby and you and him make the decisions. Be kind and courteous. But be firm. It will not be easy but it’s extremely important to firm up your boundaries. So sorry you are experiencing this.
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