contact womens aid.
Passports not in the drawer I always keep them in. Turning the place upside down.
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Grandparenting
I don’t know what to do, I have 2 grandson’s, 6 years ago there dad physically abused them.
(74 Posts)The police were involved, and the two grandsons did a video statement separately, they took photo’s of there injuries.
He was taken to court and pleaded guilty of a lesser charge (common Assault) the video statement of the two lads were never shown neither was the photo’s.
He was given a fine and wasn’t allowed to see the lads for a year.
A lot more happened in this time but that’s another story.
Then December 14th 2018 he assaulted the oldest grandson again, the police were involved, there was a video of the assault (which happened in his dads place of work) our oldest grandson told the police the was video evidence But by the time they went to question there dad he had deleted the video.
The social services were involved with both incidents and failed to believe my grandson. The police wanted to take it further but the CPS dropped the case.
On Wednesday 6th May 2020, 8:15am our grandsons dad turned up at the daughters house knocked on the door, when she answered he barged past her and ran upstairs to our eldest grandsons bedroom who was asleep and jumped on top of him and physically assaulted him. Our daughter tried to stop what was happening, she eventually pulled him of our grandson and got there dad to leave. Our oldest grandson has got a black eye a bruise on his cheek, strangulation marks around his neck, and hand marks under his arm pits.
Someone called the police and they arrived after the dad had left with our youngest grandson.
Our daughter told the police what had happened and they wanted to talk to our oldest grandson who said “no, they never did anything about the other two times”
The police asked our daughter if they went to see our youngest grandson and asked if he was ok, what would he say.
She said he would say he is because he would have too.
How can someone who keeps abusing his eldest child and once abused our youngest grandson, keeps getting away with it.
We know our daughter and two grandson’s are terrified of him.
Every time we have said or done anything there dad doesn’t like he takes it out on our daughter and grandsons.
We feel helpless the police, social services and the CPS have let them down and now our daughter and grandchildren don’t trust them.
She is documenting it. You're being very negative about someone who is abused, controlled and doing her best to get her and her sons some help. The OP says that the older boy won't tell people anymore as they don't help. She's kept a record of it but it's her word against the abuser and she's not being believed.
As an escapee you know that it's not as easy as it sounds to escape. Once your abuser is in your head and the heads of your children you cease to be able to think like someone who isn't being abused. She's doing her best in incredibly difficult circumstances and it does no good to anyone to be so critical of someone who is being abused. She has enough problems without being criticised by those who should understand.
So she gives up because of social services' lack of support?
In the future: "sorry sons I didn't protect you from your abusive father but it is social services' fault, they didn't believe me"
No, it doesn't cut it. The more you document, the less SS can deny it
It's not as if she hasn't tried. The police are not the problem in this situation. They believe her. The problem is social services who have fallen for the nice man act. The police have to defer to the social services and without SS support she is helpless.
Yes, I have been in a controlled abusive situation where I was the bad guy and the abusers were these wonderful generous people
I am still the bad guy to this day.
The only difference is that I broke free and I dont care how they want to smear my reputation.
The police does know this type of abuse and are not as blind as you think they are.
The daughter needs to keep calling the police so it is all documented and can be used to stop him.
If her strategy is not to make waves and change her actions so as not to "provoke him", this will never end.
They always play Mr Wonderful to the outside world. That's how they get away with it. No matter what the victim says the rest of the world simply can't see this lovely man being like that so the victim must be at fault.
Hithere….being unable to fight back isn't a weakness and past experiences are not an excuse. It won't be that she won't want to protect her children but the control runs so deep that when the time comes she can't. Not only that but the people who should be there to help and support her don't believe her. Try to put yourself in that situation. You are a victim but no one believes you. This makes the abuser and his control even stronger. What is there left for her to do? I can virtually guarantee that if she puts the phone down or refuses to answer then he will turn up at the door. If she refuses to open the door he will break it down and say that she was preventing him from seeing his children and he was worried what she might have done to them. Abusers are systematic and cunning. The only way to get away from one is to escape. In order to escape you need a support network or, as in my case, only have to think about yourself. Unless you've been in a controlled abusive situation you can't imagine how trapped you are.
When he’s confronted by SS/CS or the police or anyone in authority he’s a charmer and he makes out butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth. Like he’s go a split personality
He also tries to do publicly charitable things so on the outside he’s Mr Wonderful.
If only people really know what he’s like.
Vampirequeen
Your right about the phone calls and everything else you have said.
I think the only people who really understands what’s going on in my daughters and grandsons life are the people who have gone or going through it too.
When our grandsons got abused the first time there dads girlfriend was in the house too, our grandsons begged her to get a taxi for them to go back to there moms, she wouldn’t.
So he’s not just got an hold on our daughter and grandsons he has an hold on other people too.
BlueBelle
We have (my husband and myself) we have done things, but he doesn’t come to our house and say or do anything to us because he knows I’m not scared of him I would phone the police.
So he goes straight to our daughter and takes it out on her and our grandsons.
We have reported some of the social workers to the CEO of our local council (who is in charge of SS/CS) and he just passed our complaint letter back to SS.
I want to do something to stop this happening anymore but what can we do when we were told that if we phoned SS/CS they wouldn’t take action because we are biased towards there dad.
With all my heart I want this to stop now, enough is enough.
I can’t force my daughter or grandsons to do anything, she’s not built like I am. I get infuriated with what she doesn’t do.
Not, not easily but it can be done.
It must be done if she wants to protect her kids instead of using her past as a justification why they were abused by their father and their mother did nothing to stop it.
Not easily.
Bluebells is right.
The daughter is the key to change to change this abusive relationship.
Abusive conditioning can be rewritten
They'll take the phone calls because he's inside their heads and they can't help themselves. When I escaped, ex used to phone me and I'd answer because I was too scared not to even though he wasn't there. His first words would be 'don't hang up' so then no matter what he said I couldn't hang up. I know it sounds daft but it's part of the control they have even when you've escaped.
I know you agree but none of this is any good if you don’t put some of your own tactics in place Don’t rely on SS they are over run and depending who you get some are good some not so
Why are the boys and her taking phone calls from the man your last post says this is an every day part of their life but why ?
1 Get a solicitor and ask for an injunction
2 Record EVERY THING Take note of times of every phone call /visit etc take photos where possible for instance if he sits outside her house when he stormed upstairs ( I know too late For that now but just giving an illustration)
3 Get a chain on the door
4 don’t answer calls Remove phone numbers from kids phones
5 Get your daughter or do it with her Permission contact Women’s Aid they will have heard it all before thousands of times and will set up things for her to improve her life They will have all the answers of where to point her to
You need outside help you can’t do this just the two of you
I totally agree with you MadHatter. I just hope that karma does the job for us.
Hi
I just want to thank you all for your advice and the information you gave me.
Vampirequeen
I feel for you too
Social services are a waste of space.
The piece of scum who abused my youngest grandson once and my oldest grandson three times, should be locked up not posting on FB what a wonderful dad he is.
The police were the only ones who believed us too. We had evidence but social services ignored it and chose to believe spoken statements rather than solid evidence. I really feel for you, your DD and your GSs.
Vampirequeen
The police are the only ones who have tried and it’s the other organisations that have stopped them.
If you spoke to our Grandsons and Daughter you would see as we do that this is now part of every day life.
If everything is going ok for there dad then he’s ok with the grandsons and Daughter but if something goes wrong in his life he then takes it out on our grandsons and Daughter even when they are not involved.
That’s what happened the last incident he had a argument with his girlfriend then started messaging our Daughter she didn’t react to him so he started messaging our oldest grandson.
Our Daughter didn’t know he was messaging our grandson so when the door knocked the next morning he was the last person she expected.
BlueBellE
I’m am going to have a long conversation with her and tell her that there are people she can talk to, Things she can put in place to protect them from his physical and mental abuse
Hithere
I have explained in quite a lot of my replies that my Daughter did not know it was him at the door. She just opened it.
Dee1012
The SS treated our daughter as if it were her who abused the children.
They gave her no help, but gave him all the help he wanted.
Tapdancer6
No he has no contact with teachers at the moment
Trisher
Thank you for your input
I will definitely be talking to my daughter about this.
I understand your daughter's inability to think straight. After all these years he's totally in her head and simply won't be able to think straight where he's concerned.
The same will go for the boys. Abuse of themselves and their mother is all they've ever known. They did the right thing and asked for help only to have it thrown back at them and they no doubt suffered more abuse as a result.
Sadly, as we discovered, the police are guided by social services so even though they believe that the abuse is taking place their hands are tied if social services says that it isn't.
Definitely see a solicitor for an injunction even if you have to sell something to raise the fees
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