Sick of my DIL

This sounds very familiar to me but in my case it was the other way around. My MIL never "warmed" to me. She would criticise anything and everything I said and did. I married her only son who treated me the same as his dad treated his mum, the proverbial doormat! Whether her treatment of me was her way of getting her own back I do not know. She had two daughters too. I soon learned that there was no point in trying to build a relationship with people who hold a dislike. I certainly did not try to buy myself into the family but it hurt to discover that my children were always treated less than her daughters children.

E-mailed every couple of days is way too often let them get on with their lives and bringing up their children on their own.
My DIL is totally different and keeps in touch with video calls to DGD every week whilst we are under lockdown before that DS1 would bring her down every Thursday when her mum was at work,it works well for us I never interfere with their life.
My other son and his wife have no children yet and he messages me when he remembers (busy working) but I always say about him and his wife that no news is good news.

Leave them alone to work out their problems. The poor young woman sounds stifled, she can't do anything right and you seem to want to 'sort out' non-existent problems. Let them sort out house/garden/children. If she is happy to ask her own parents then just let her do so , she probably doesn't feel so beholden to them. And as for your husband snapping to your son to sort her out! I mean really !
It sounds as if you think she is incompetent, she has lost any confidence she had and you want to be thanks continuously.

Does your son thank you for your help?
If yes, why does your dil have to thank you too?

This is a prime example of help, buying them things they need,etc coming with strings attached.

You say you got along well before there were babies.
How often did you visit them before babies? How often after?

Same with contact, help you provided them, things you purchased for them.

Your dil became a mother because she wanted to take care of her baby - not you.

Did your dil want you to visit at the hospital during her second stay, when she had to stay for 3 days due to her medical condition?
Do you see how your visit was not appropriate, much less you holding your gc?

You have to learn to read body language and back off. You are creating this problem by being overbearing and stepping all over their lives.

Your dh must apologize to them.
You must back off and let them learn how often and for what they want you in their lives.

You say you got on fine before the children were born, so you need to focus on what's happened since. One way or another you have upset your daughter in law.

My mother in law once said "new babies are too precious to be left to their parents."
That explained a lot as she'd been quite interfering when ours were small.

You probably tried too hard to help, which is difficult to do without coming across as being critical.
Calm down a bit now and in time you'll get on fine again.

People saying that I’m at risk of losing my son, that wouldn’t happen as I know he loves me a lot and would never disown me. He knows I do a lot for them and is very grateful. I just don’t understand how someone can’t be pleasant when I’m doing all those things? Like for example, I messaged my son asking to come over to do the gardening which he happily answered me to come over yet I get there and her face is like thunder. She doesn’t seem to be bothered having the garden tidy and it’s just covered in toys. I offer to do their washing which my son wants to do but It seems she has put her foot down to doing it even though it is clear she struggles to get it done. Being polite costs nothing.

I wouldn't want someone rummaging through my dirty washing, would you?

It's quite difficult to tell someone to stop interfering in a polite manner when they don't appear to be getting the message.

Your own life must be sadly lacking, SadMil; perhaps you could join some activities, clubs, when this is all over and stop trying to life vicariously through the lives of your family.

I'm out.

I'm not sure what she is doing that is unpleasant.

Do you mean not living exactly as you think they should?

Toys in the garden. So what?
It's their garden.

Oops, I should tidy up the footballs as no-one has been for a kick around since lockdown
I counted three yesterday but didn't pick them up

I loved my MIL, tidy wasn't in her vocabulary.
She once said she thought I polished too much . It's the only time I felt like an adequate house cleaner.

I wouldn’t think you will be able to be involved with anything right now unless your son and DiL live with you, that is...

Wow..SadMil you need to take a step back and read all the good advice on here. But something tells me that you know better.....why ask for advice if not prepared to listen??

You are being rude, not your dil.
"Being polite costs nothing" you wrote.
Start practicing it.

Your son and dil are not on the same page.
They both have to agree on what they would like you to do, not just your son.

Help is what the people receiving it consider help, not the party giving the help.
Do you understand the difference?

You are not helping.
You are intruding, overstepping and being overbearing.

These are two adults who can manage their lives independently, they don't need you

The garden is not high on their list of priorities. Your own son could do it himself if he thought a tidy garden is so important.

The garden is high on your list of priorities.
Who has the call here? THEY do. Their garden, not yours.

Your dil had a huge husband problem. Your son is picking his comfort and your wants over his wife.
Your comments clearly show enmeshment on your son and your part.

It is not going to end well if this continues.

If your son doesnt change, he will see his child every other weekend + 1 afternoon a week - or the standard visitation offered in your area.

Your dil has been very polite so far.
One day, she is rightfully going to explode.
I wonder how she has letting this go for so long

...email them every couple of days...

Blimey! Try every couple of months, fgs!

Good point Mapleleaf

Just what part of lockdown don't you understand, OP?

Is this SiL or DiL as you've mentioned both ?

Too much interfering I'd have said.

She doesn’t seem to be bothered having the garden tidy and it’s just covered in toys - every "helping" act seems to contain a criticism from you - no wonder DIL does not appreciate it!!

Just to clarify I don’t tell her the garden is a mess or anything like that.

Your dil has a huge husband problem. Your son is picking his comfort and your wants over his wife.

Your son should be prioritising his wife and children, not his parents.
As he isn't doing that, you need to Back Off - as so many replies on here have said.

Stop offering to do things and stop buying things for them, except normal gifts for birthdays etc.

Also, don't comment on the children's clothes or anything else about their upbringing.
Chat with DiL about neutral topics.

Wow SadMIL you sound just like my own mum. Overbearing, interfering and controlling.

There’s no point discussing anything with you because you will always be in the right.

SadMIL if I was to come round to your house go through your laundry, replace a rug and dig up your garden would you be OK with that? If while I was doing it I kept banging on about how you couldn't cope and how your garden was a complete mess would you still be OK? Or would you feel I was an interfering old bat? I admire your DIL's patience if you were my MIL you would have been shown the door a long time ago. Do as the others say find a hobby and take a step back.

Your son doesn't mind the garden being a mess either, then?

Is it waist high in weeds?
Or cluttered with toys?

Quite honestly I cannot understand why your DIL is not outside, toiling away in the garden, baby strapped to her back, toddler clutching at her legs and wailing.
While your son watches her, presumably.
She must be a lazy madam.

It sounds like there are three people in your son’s marriage. Him, his wife and you. Everyone else has said it - back off and let them be a family without you interfering.

If your son wants a tidy garden and the laundry done, I’m sure he’s a big boy and can do it himself without running to mummy to do it for him.

I need a couple of new bath mats, if you're offering.