Sick of my DIL

SadMIL is a perfect illustration of the Mother in The Screwtape Letters:

“She's the sort of woman who lives for others - you can tell the others by their hunted expression.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters

What colour bath mats are you offering?

SadMIL I know your behaviour comes from a place of love for your son BUT please take a step back and see what you are potentially doing to his marriage.

When you say "for example, I messaged my son asking to come over to do the gardening..." it sounds like you want to do this. You aren't even just wondering if there is something useful you could do. AND you are only communicating with your son.

Likewise the laundry. You have decided that they need help and are trying to sort this out with your son. She has "put her foot down". No wonder. You didn't even offer her the help (of her choosing), you are again cutting her out to try to get your way.

I know it is hard to watch your family struggle (as we may perceive it), but they have to be a TEAM and we, as grandparents are not part of that. We want our children always to have the best, easiest, most satisfying lives possible but they really can't do this if we interfere. We have had our time with little ones and now it is theirs.

Please think about this - if you drive a wedge between them will your son be happy? Will he love you more (or less) for causing pain? In future, if you have time to spare, message his wife and offer "is there anything useful I can do?" Let HER take control of her own house.

You do say that these problems didn't occur before the grandchildren came along. With consideration you can get back to that happy place.

I really hope you do.

The way to your son's and grandchildren's hearts is via your DIL. I have learned the hard way.
If you push her too far, she will leave your son taking the children with her. Where will that leave you and your son? Another thing, don't try to compete with her family - it will end in tears. I have 2 d.i.ls - they both are very close to their mothers and that's how it should be.
I'm curious as to why you email your son every couple of days......is it to complain about your d.i.l?
As mothers, we should hope and pray that our children have happy lives with their partners and children, even if it means that we feel side-stepped.
Be grateful that you are healthy and strong. Use your energy in other ways and try to keep your DIL in your good books. As someone suggested, take her a nice bouquet of flowers, when you next visit , instead of buying her a bath mat.
That's the only way forward. Good luck SadMIL !

You don’t get it at all do you
I think you will always be a sad mother in law you just don’t get it unless you are winding us all up I can believe someone is so thick skinned dozens of people have told you you are wrong and you are still arguing you are right
I d give you a black look if you turned up at my house if you are not careful you will alienate them both however much you think you won’t
Why are you desperately trying to make the son you repute to love so unhappy
Back off and leave them alone

If I were your DIL I’d throw the whole man in the bin.
He can’t possibly be worth putting up with you.

Apologies, I see you were offering to do the gardening - same comment re lockdown.
For goodness sake leave them alone, back off, take up a hobby and mind your own business.

Being polite costs nothing

Then why don’t you try it OP?

The more you say, the deeper the hole you are digging for yourself.
You sound proud that you might end up driving a wedge between your son and his wife - if that happens, I wouldn’t hold your breath about seeing the grandchildren. In your DIL’s place I would put a couple of hundred miles between my interfering MIL and myself and my children.
Did you mean your son to come over and do your gardening? Are you very old and infirm so you can’t do it yourselves? And don’t you think a man with two small children might be more than busy enough at his own house?
And finally, what part of lockdown don’t you get?

* people say that I am at risk of losing my Son. he would never disown me*

My Dear SadMIL please be careful this is exactly what happened to someone I know. When push came to shove he put his Wife and Children before his Mother, quite rightly. You don't say if you have other Children so perhaps he is an only Child that you dote on. Your DIL has two very young children can you think back to what is was like when your Son was tiny, did your MIL interfere? Did you accept this with good grace or fall out? Or maybe you had a great relationship with her if so please try and apply that to the current situation with your DIL. The only way to be treated with respect and kindness is by showing that to others, please give it a try if you don't want to lose your Son.

One other thing to add to other comments. Does your husband agree with all you are doing and the upset you are causing your son and DIL? Because if he agrees with what you are doing hes as bad and if not you are risking your own relationship.

WHY would she be jealous of YOU .She is the childs mother ,all the decisions about her childs welfare are down to her..no one else

Seems obvious that your level of intrusion is upsetting your son's marriage. For everyone's sake let them be as a family. If the garden's a mess then let them sort it out it not. It's their garden after all. At this rate you may well get banned from the house then you won't be seeing anyone!

By the way , I wouldn't put kisses on an e-mail to my ma-in -law either. And I like her!

Snap dontmind

Okay, I just noticed your thread title - "Sick of my DiL".

That doesn't show a good attitude on your part.

I think the title of your post says it all really..

"Sick of my DIL"

Why ? Could it be because she isn't doing things the way YOU think she should?

You need to change your ways.

You both sound absolutely terrible. She wants to live in a little bubble with her husband and children, excluding everyone else (I have a certain contempt for these types as my grandparents, aunties, cousins and uncles have always been a huge part of my life and I believe it takes a village to raise a child). BUT, you sound very very dominant and although your intentions are to be helpful, you seem to take it too far. You need to learn to get on with each other for the sake of the children, and it won’t be achieved by your daughter in law alienating everyone or you upsetting her. I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but it’s the only way I can explain things. Have a nice day!

Sadmil

It is not only what say - or what you dont say
It is also what your actions say about your thoughts
It is also your body language
It is also your attitude and tone of voice

It comes across loud and clear - you dislike dil immensely, you think she is not qualifird to be a mother and take care of the home and your son needs you to feel the void by involving you to follow your standards of care and cleanliness.

You are not fooling anybody

sadMIL. You ARE getting it wrong. You may not want to hear it, but none the less, you’re delusional if you think your behaviour is warranted. All the posters agree. We can’t all be wrong. You seem to almost be encouraging your son to go against his wife. This is a recipe for absolute disaster. I can guarantee, that at some stage in the future, you will either lose them all, or have a very strained relationship with your son, if your DIL leaves him and takes the children. This is not going to end well. Please back right off and leave them alone, so hopefully something can be salvaged for the future.

Oh and while I'm thinking about it, try buying your DiL flowers now and then - for no particular reason. Just do it. then step back. And don't mind if she isn't effusive in her thanks. Just do it.

do you really think it's necessary to email your son every couple of days, leave him alone!

So you do everything for your son and dil, no wonder your dil is off with you. Stop interferring and let them live their own life.

I need a couple of new bath mats, if you're offering.

It sounds like there are three people in your son’s marriage. Him, his wife and you. Everyone else has said it - back off and let them be a family without you interfering.

If your son wants a tidy garden and the laundry done, I’m sure he’s a big boy and can do it himself without running to mummy to do it for him.

Your son doesn't mind the garden being a mess either, then?

Is it waist high in weeds?
Or cluttered with toys?

Quite honestly I cannot understand why your DIL is not outside, toiling away in the garden, baby strapped to her back, toddler clutching at her legs and wailing.
While your son watches her, presumably.
She must be a lazy madam.