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Grandparenting

New grandmother with a heavy heart

(33 Posts)
Danishgrand Mon 15-Jun-20 10:52:35

My daughter and I have always been close and very fond of each other. My husband (not her father) says that it is such a healthy r/s with love and respect.
My daughter lives 40 minutes from where I live with her husband and they have just had a baby 2 weeks ago.During the last 5 years I often felt that it was hard to make appointments with her. Both alone and with my husband. She has got a girlfriend that to me sounds very toxic (she is not seeing her mother and is speaking badly of everyone) My daughter is very fond of this girlfriend, but I have been treated not so well by my daughter (she says limits) so perhaps the girlfriend is giving her some ideas. Well that is not the issue. I really need some perspective/help with feelings that are overwrelming me. I feel so desparate according to get a r/s with my new grandson in the future. I have seen him once for 3 hours - they have a hard time with crying and the new circumstances (very understandable). Her mother in law lives 4 hours away but she is coming at least once a month for 3 days and have done that the last 5 years. Now when the grandson is here, I feel so sad. The mother in law has just been there for 3 days and helped them with the screaming boy. I asked my daughter if I could help, but she says thanks, but no - she says "not too may people has to look after him". I feel that I always have to ask, and she is holding me an armlenght from her/them. I know that is very early, but I feel the desparation that I will see my grandson every other week 2-3 hours and the mother in law 3 days a month. Perhaps I sound very selfish, but in fact I am the opposite. I always want to understand how my daughter feels, I support her very much my sms (daily) all her small woman problems. And I always back off and wait (with a heavy heart though). I would so much like to see my grandson every week and then in between with my husband when it is ok with my daughter and her family. And I would very much like to have a feeling that I could come to her house more freely. Please any good suggestions would be much appreciated. I am Danish so I appologize if there are mistakes in the English.

BibiSarah Wed 17-Jun-20 16:32:57

OP, your feelings are perfectly normal but they are ones that you'll have to try and somehow curb for the time being.

Could it be that your daughter's husband has more of a say at home than she does and she's being dominated into her in-laws being the grandparents who are more involved than you're allowed to be?

Just to add I have 7 grandchildren and the latest is only 2 weeks old so I do have a bit of an idea as to how hurtful things can be when very normal feelings are involved.

crazyH Fri 19-Jun-20 17:54:54

Usually it's the baby's maternal grandparents who 'rule the roost' so to speak. I know my d.i.ls' (I have 2) mothers are omnipresent in both my sons' houses respectively, especially in my older son's house, because he works away a lot.
I have accepted it, because that's the way it is.
I hope you enjoy your grandson, when you do see him. I notice you and your daughter are very close. So don't worry, that bond can never be broken , although dynamics change. And by the way, your English is very, very good.?

Franbern Sat 20-Jun-20 09:56:00

Think that Bluebird summed it all up perfectly.

When our children get married or into partnerships, we have to accept that, no matter how wonderful our relationshops with them have been, we move down one notch in the pecking order. When they have children, we then go down another notch!! That is the way it should be.

There should be no competitiveness in grand parenting. Even working out how many hours each week, etc each g.parent may have sounds rather strange to me.

And, in anycase, this will change over time.

Enjoy your time when you can see the baby and your daughter. Enjoy being a new g.parent, be joyous and get silly little presents for them both. Be there when they want and need you, but let them lead their own lives and you continue to lead yours.

anonymous44 Wed 24-Jun-20 07:20:50

@OutsideDave is spot on. Especially the last sentence. The baby won't remember who snuggled him, but your daughter will remember how people treated her during one of the most vulnerable times of her life.
Furthermore, while there is a higher threshold for you as someone who is close to your daughter, be aware that acting desperate and obsessive over the baby can make a new mother feel threatened. I know it isn't your intention, but it may feel to her like you want to take the baby away from her. It's understandable to feel excited about the new baby, but remember he isn't yours and you aren't entitled to him. Best of luck.

Luckygirl Wed 24-Jun-20 09:21:43

One of the things I have learned in life is that, unless you want to go round the bend, you really have to concentrate on the good things in your life. Dwelling on those things that we perceive as unsatisfactory gets us nowhere and just causes misery - especially those things that we cannot change.

JenniferEccles Wed 24-Jun-20 14:27:20

Old as most of us on here are, I am sure we can all clearly remember those early weeks with a new born.

I am certain most new mums feel quite overwhelmed with everything no matter how well prepared they thought they were.

Your desire to see your grandchild is perfectly understandable but you have to accept that your daughter and baby come first.

Offer help by all means and tell her that she only has to phone if she could do with a helping hand, but please guard against being pushy.

Hithere Wed 24-Jun-20 14:40:11

Outsidedave and anonymous44 posted good points.

One of the mistakes grandparents make is showing their priority is their grandchildren, bypassing the generation in the middle (the parents of the grandchild)

You have had excellent access and relationship to your daughter and her child. 3 hours every 2 weeks is excellent.

What do you mean by this?
"During the last 5 years I often felt that it was hard to make appointments with her."
I see an orange flag there.