Husband problem with grandchild

Ask your husband to lay his cards on the table and tell you what exactly is the problem(s) with the arrangement, because it's obvious something needs to be said.

I ditto both perspectives of Jacks10 & Nannan2.

Are there regular things outside the house that you could take your grandchild along to? I used to take care of my grandson for 2 days a week and one of the mornings would be spent doing the bit Sainsbury shop (he loved that - especially the free sample foods on the deli counter!). And although I know it's a bit cold, what about a walk/drive to the swings or something? If you're out of your husband's way for half the day, maybe that would help? (Covid rules allowing, that is)

Sounds like your husband is jealous. He wants you all to himself and resents your time taken up with your grandson as he expects you to wait on him.

I had exactly the same problem, except it was my adult son who has ASD that caused the problem. His main issue was the noise and unpredictability of the children especially as babies and toddlers. Now they’re older he is able to tolerate them. If I am completely honest I found it difficult to look after them back then as well, I didn’t know how to relate to either of them as babies but did my best. I suspect I am on the spectrum too. I was able to relate to my own children easily, they were all boys and my grandchild are both girls, not sure if that added to my difficulty. Now of course it’s difficult to see them because of Covid and I miss them terribly! I am so convinced the second spike is a direct result of kids going back to school/college and I don’t want to take the risk.

I know this is slightly different to your issue, but think about how things will develop as your grandson grows up. My late partner was the same with my grandson ( not his grandson). My GS used to come and stay from when he was a toddler but my partner never spoke to him once he could talk. It made things very difficult and I would take my GS out to avoid the situation. I found myself stuck in the middle trying to make conversation to include them both but it didnt work. My partner had no GC of his own. Sadly my partner died 2 years ago and my GS is now 17 and we still have a great relationship.

I think I wouldn't have chose to marry someone like this in the first place- someone who didn't have the same family values and interests as myself or, at least, got out of the relationship quickly when it became apparent but let's imagine a different scenario.

Retired husband offers to look after his son's boisterous dog one day a week while he works. His wife has never really liked dogs and hates the house being messy when it's there. She says son shouldn't have got a dog if he can't look after it but he then gets a puppy too so that will probably be coming too soon. Husband says dogs are lovely, doesn't matter about the noise and mess and smell just for one day and why doesn't she just play with the dog and come out for long muddy walks.

The house is just as much his to decide to do this. Miserable old wife everyone thinks; it's only one day a week.

Do you think you’re husband is jealous?

One day a week is not an imposition, especially when the child is his grandson (not a step-child, not that that would be any excuse); and the house is your home too. Are there things that he does in the house that you don't like, such as piling a certain place up with his stuff, wall-to-wall TV, radio, etc. I get the feeling that his normal routine is being inconvenienced but are you inconvenienced by any part of his normal routine and simply grin and bear it? There needs to be a conversation, not just about his attitude towards a young child but about his belief that he can dictate what happens in your shared home 100% of the time - he can't.

He is being a selfish git. I'd tell him to go off and amuse himself for the day and allow you to enjoy your grandson. Your husband is behaving like a very small child himself and it's ridiculous. Call him out on it and ask him what he is prepared to do about it. He's a grown man.

I'm with nipsmum on this one he needs to grow up and pull his head out of his .... if he can't be pleasant around his own grandchild one day a week he's the one with the problem

Possibly if DH could get out & about on his own, safely... then he might not feel so confined & frustrated, so irritable.

@Notjustaprettyface, you have mentioned several everyday factors that roll up to a portrait of your OH not being as welcoming as you might like him to be, such as:

Your home is not childproof - so you are both on alert to protect your GC and your own stuff;

He broke his hip just 3 months ago (prolly is great discomfort & some pain), has reduced mobility, now needs a stick maybe permanently. Does he get to physio to aid recovery? Is he frustrated by his declining condition ?

He’s stuck indoors, cannot easily get out other than in car. Groups he used to be part of are not meeting, so he’s a bit bored, bit lonely.

Did you as a couple & as a family review this childcare arrangement when he was injured? Have you discussed & planned a safer household arrangement to support him & minimise risk of further injury. Does your daughter appreciate that her father’s circumstances & sense of self has changed? Is he expected to ‘suck it up’?

Is there a ‘sunset’ clause to this childcare arrangement? One day a week now, maybe growing into several more days when mum returns to work? Maybe newest baby may join the merry band coming to yours on a regular basis.

If I took a shuffle in his slippers, I’d not be too interested in a imminent toddler belting about the house when I am in some discomfort/pain. I may be a bit snappy & shoutsome when the darling child gets on my wick. On top of that my darling wife who is understandably besotted with GC bangs on about me not joining in, but does not seem to understand that it is OK for people not to be interested in small children. Then she threatens to leave... shall I pack her bag for her?

Sorry. H must accept life does not revolve just around him.

Sounds your H is jealous of the attention you are giving to your GC.I have come across this with a friend of mine who experienced the same .Sounds silly that a grown person can be like this. Carry on as you are as H must accept life does not revolve him.

Also maybe the covid 19 situation hasnt helped?maybe he feels you really should not have the child in during a pandemic- and maybe hes right? I take it you are your DD's 'support bubble' but still, maybe he feels its an extra risk, and that if he ignores your grandson eventually you'l stop having him there.but really you all should have sat down to discuss it first- not just foisted these arrangements on him.How did it start? As a proper arrangement or you just jumping in to help one day by saying you would take GS to yours to help out a bit?and your DD has thought it was now a regular thing so you've continued? Maybe it should have been less regular than that- or one time at yours followed by you visit hers for the day?what about the other grandparents?Do they 'help out' also?or the dad? All little questions- but might help you understand your husband may have underlying resentments and why? Maybe hes gone wrong way about it- but he may have a point or two worth considering.?

Difficult to ignore his rude behaviour. One day a week is perfectly reasonable. We joke that Grandad is Grumpy sometimes but the grandchildren accept that and love him. When they were tiny it was me who did most of the comforting, getting up at night etc but things improved as soon as they could play. Is your husband jealous because your attention is elsewhere? You could try asking but I wouldn’t expect a sensible answer at this stage. He may just be better with older children. Let’s hope so. Tell him to take a trip outside the home on the day your grandson s with you. If he won’t do that he’ll have to put up and shut up.

CarlyD7

This situation could have been written by a friend of mine. Eventually she found out that, basically, he'd tolerated their children (despite putting on a good "front") and when they'd left home was looking forward to having her to himself again and full of ideas about things they could do together. When she offered to look after their little grandson during the week whilst son and DIL were at work, he was secretly furious and became quite offhand and irritable with him (rather than speaking up at the beginning). He said that he felt that he hadn't been consulted and wouldn't have said yes to it, and that he hadn't seen his retirement this way. They came to a compromise (grandson went to a nursery 3 days a week, and they had him 2 days a week) but when grandson was there, husband went out!

Nailed it, CarlyD
You are, I think spot on here. I had a conversation with my DH when I agreed to have my DD’s first born so she could go back to work. DH thought that as we’d done our round of parenting when our own DCs were at home, he really didn’t want to go through all that again. He wasn’t angry about our small GS coming, but made it clear that it was me who would be doing the child minding, not him

He should be the one'leaving' not you.maybe if you had said that instead it would have made him see sense?as it is nothing would change for him so its not an incentive is it? Could it be that your husband is angry with your DD,? maybe he feels she is having her children in very quick succession, then letting others (you&him) bear the brunt of her actions by bailing her out with help? (Which of course she is) Maybe this is making him take it out on the child?Is there a reason she couldn't have waited a bit between children? A new baby straight after a one year old IS hard work- and maybe he feels that you& he (especially with his hip) shouldnt have to jump in & 'bail her out' at your time of life?-especially if you did not discuss it with him in first place?You dont mention the childrens dad at all- could he not 'help her' with the toddler& newborn instead?just till your husbands hip has healed at least? Perhaps yes he does fear being knocked over by an exhuberant toddler, i think i would.Maybe when the kids are a bit bigger he will take more interest in them, as for you "letting him do something silly" - maybe thats a real worry for your husband- do you do that often?Why would you let him do things like that? Is your home not 'baby/toddler- proofed'? You cant just expect a one yr old to 'not touch' things- maybe your hubby is worried about you too- thats its too much for you? It sounds like it could be tbh but you clearly want to help her- are you in a position to pay for her some extra help in her own home instead?maybe a couple of hours a day or every other day for either someone to help with kids or if not for someone to help her in the household tasks so she can concentrate on her children.Then maybe you could go to hers and visit/help out too?just till she finds her feet a bit.Either way you still arent making her see reality of her having her children one after the other if shes not facing her responsibilities- and perhaps this is what your husband is angry about- but cant say..maybe you should mention to her how he is towards her child-it may help her see not through 'rose coloured specs' that everyones as happy about her life choices as she is?I dont mean to sound harsh, but if we make our choices we cant expect others to take those choices on and take over if its too much all of a sudden.im no hypocrite- ive had a big family- but most are 'spaced- out' in ages in their arrival- except 2 who were 14mths apart- which was very hard work- but i did not have others take over to 'help out'- i shouldered responsibility of my choice..It could be all this is whats eating your husband.maybe you ask him- and ask for his opinions to help not just expect him to go along with it??

Sounds as though he might be jealous of the grandchild. Men can be so strange at times!

Really sorry you are faced with this problem but my sympathies are firmly with you. We all have preferences in life about what we would like to happen. Once we grow up we can respect that others require different things to make them happy. If his views on small children are different he doesn't have to follow you around shouting his displeasure. He can make arrangements with you so that he doesn't have to be present when the child is around either by using different parts of the house or being out during in visiting times. Current behaviour sounds very like making your time together so unpleasant that the baby doesn't visit - bullying to get his own way. Go out with the baby for a while, avoid him when you are indoors, if you're shouted at just reply quietly and calmly that he is causing an unnecessary problem. Hold your ground with looking after your grandchild. These are a few precious years and you don't get a second chance!

Hang in there - 1 year olds are hard work and maybe your husband is feeling a bit tentative because of his hip disability. He may actually be scared he will trip him up or something. My husband has always been pretty good with all his grandchildren but left the baby ones to me. Once your 1 year old grandson becomes a bit bigger it might be a whole new story. I know that my husband became very involved once he could have a proper reactive conversation with them and once sport came into the picture they were up and away. I think as the child becomes older things may improve! Good Luck !

Maybe once little one is talking, grandad will be more interested?

Elaine you sound so lovely

This situation could have been written by a friend of mine. Eventually she found out that, basically, he'd tolerated their children (despite putting on a good "front") and when they'd left home was looking forward to having her to himself again and full of ideas about things they could do together. When she offered to look after their little grandson during the week whilst son and DIL were at work, he was secretly furious and became quite offhand and irritable with him (rather than speaking up at the beginning). He said that he felt that he hadn't been consulted and wouldn't have said yes to it, and that he hadn't seen his retirement this way. They came to a compromise (grandson went to a nursery 3 days a week, and they had him 2 days a week) but when grandson was there, husband went out!