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Grandparenting

Husband problem with grandchild

(94 Posts)
Notjustaprettyface Fri 16-Oct-20 15:19:29

I love my grandson who is just over 1 year old and I look after him one day a week to help my daughter out as she also has a newborn baby now
When my grandson comes to our house , I try and do activities , I don’t stay in all day but still my husband who is the grandfather seems to resent his grandson being here
Our grandson is lively and tries to touch things he shouldn’t but I do watch him and control him
I am very hurt by my husbands attitude , at best he ignores the child , at worst he shouts at me mainly if he does something a bit silly
I don’t know what to do , I have talked to him, I have threatened to leave , nothing seems to work
It’s also embarrassing to tell our daughter that her dad is not interested in her child
Please help , I need advice
Thank you

PECS Fri 16-Oct-20 15:43:33

Oh! What does your husband say when you have spoken to him about his lack of interest/ tolerance of his grandchild?
I get not everyone is keen on babies & toddlers but he could be more positive towards the little boy. Does he disapprove of your DD or her partner? All the men in our family enjoy the company of small people so hard to know how to respond!

Esspee Fri 16-Oct-20 15:49:34

How was he with your children when they were young?

Eviebeanz Fri 16-Oct-20 15:51:59

Does your grandson like seeing grandad? In our house grandad is the favourite with my youngest grandson.

Notjustaprettyface Fri 16-Oct-20 15:53:12

He was not as bad with our own children

sodapop Fri 16-Oct-20 15:53:17

It's a difficult situation Notjustaprettyface some men just get out of the habit of having small children around and resent their life and routines being disturbed. It is only one day a week so should not have been too much of a problem. Did you discuss the arrangements before they happened or was he presented with a fait accompli ? Perhaps you could appeal to his better nature and say you need some help with your grandson and that Grandad is a role model. If all else fails suggest he takes himself off for the day when you babysit.

Notjustaprettyface Fri 16-Oct-20 15:54:23

Don’t know , I think he is too young to say

EllanVannin Fri 16-Oct-20 15:56:25

Oh dear, what a misery. I'd be telling your DD that her father is making your life a misery when the child's there and see what DD says. Do you think she'd have a word with him ?

Is the man ill or what ?

Eviebeanz Fri 16-Oct-20 15:59:01

Does the child go up to him? Sometimes even the hardest heart can be melted when a tiny hand tries to hold yours
Just a thought - is your DH generally cheerful the rest of the time?

Eviebeanz Fri 16-Oct-20 16:00:39

"I have threatened to leave , nothing seems to work"
This makes me wonder if he could be depressed

PinkCakes Fri 16-Oct-20 17:17:58

What a miserable old grandad! Can't he go out, if he's determined to be such a mean-spirited person around his own grandchild?

PECS Fri 16-Oct-20 17:22:41

notjustaprettyfae how odd that you cannot tell if your little grandson likes his grandfather! I knew from the facial expression & body language how pleased our baby DGC were to see grandad! What a sad scenario for you.

B9exchange Fri 16-Oct-20 17:25:59

I think he deserves to give you an explanation of why he doesn't seem to want his grandchild around. There are some men (SiL was one of them) who seem turned off by young children and toddlers, but once the child starts speaking clearly and becoming a small person, then they come into their own.

Not that is any excuse for being rude!

BlueBelle Fri 16-Oct-20 17:32:26

Well if he has no interest in the baby the grandson won’t be interested in the granddad will he ?
Would it be better if you looked after him at your daughters home or can he (old misery) go out for the day
Difficult situation for you but I d ignore it he’s obviously jealous of your time, I d take the baby out or play with him in a different room and leave the reluctant grandad to his own devices

Toadinthehole Fri 16-Oct-20 17:36:47

You say his grandad wasn’t as bad with your own children, which kind of suggests he wasn’t brilliant either. Have I understood that right? Some men are just not switched on, to either their own children or grandchildren, but still love them. I know you’ve said you’ve talked to him...but is it in a confrontational way? You’ve threatened to leave. Do you mean the marriage...forever, or just that day with your grandson? I think you need to find a quiet time together, and bring it up slowly. What are you like together, when on your own? Sorry for questions, but maybe a bit more information would help.

NotSpaghetti Fri 16-Oct-20 17:40:53

Hello,
Was the child minding discussed properly with your husband before it happened?

If so, did you say "don't worry, I'll look after him" or similar?

Notjustaprettyface Fri 16-Oct-20 17:52:23

Thanks for all the answers so far ; my husband can’t really take himself out much because he broke his hip 3 months ago and is still using a stick ( but can drive ) and also because of COVID as there isn’t any group going round here
He was not and is not a children’s person which hurts me because I am
I can take my grandson out and play with him in another room but isn’t that sad ?

sparklingsilver28 Fri 16-Oct-20 18:53:51

Notjustaprettyface I have some sympathy with your problem. When my daughter a baby her father very jealous of the time I spent with her. My situation at the time was not straight forward with many conflicting issues.

One day, I asked my H about his relationship with his father, who died before I arrived on the scene. His comment "I didn't know him - he was always working". Looking further into his family history, I discovered his paternal grandfather had died when my FIL three years of age. So when his own son, my H, arrived he had no idea how to respond. I cannot say it made life easier, but it at least explained why my husband had no understanding of what a husband and father to be.

welbeck Fri 16-Oct-20 19:08:02

i have some sympathy with your husband.
it is his home too.
was this arrangement properly discussed and agreed by him, or was it just imposed on him.
also he is trying to recover from a broken hip, which may make him aware of his frailty esp in comparison with a lively energetic toddler.
this may also cause him anxiety, that he may be barrelled into or toppled even by an unaware child.

V3ra Fri 16-Oct-20 19:28:40

I can remember my Dad being extremely bad tempered with our three children when we visited, and I can remember bursting into tears and asking Mum why Dad didn't like my children. Very upsetting.
I wouldn't advise saying anything to your daughter if she has a new-born.

If you can keep your grandson and your husband apart for now I think that's your best option.
You can have a lovely day getting to know your grandson in peace and maybe in time your husband will start to take an interest in him.
I agree with you it is sad though 😕

Madgran77 Fri 16-Oct-20 19:37:14

I can take my grandson out and play with him in another room but isn’t that sad ?

I think you need to :

* talk to your husband about what annoys him and why
* ask him if there are things he would like to do with grandson
*agree together the arrangements for baby sitting day

Your comment above suggests that part of your worry is that you just want him/situation to be different. If that is the case I think you need to accept that it is as it is!

Have that conversation , acknowledge it is his home AND your home, and agree the arrangements for babysitting day (because the babysitting is going to happen and he has to accept that)
Going to another room might be the best solution if he really wants no involvement flowers

M0nica Fri 16-Oct-20 21:12:16

Not as bad as with our own children which means that he was iffy about them as well. Did your children notice this or ever comment?

He was not and is not a children’s person which hurts me because I am So he has always been like this. Well, we cannot expect people to change just because something about them annoys us. If he has always been like this, all you can do is accept it and stop feeling hurt over something that was always going to be and is unchangeable

Just concentrate on getting all the enjoyment you do from the opportunity to look after your precious gradchild and leave your DH to continue to respond to children the way he always has.

Deedaa Fri 16-Oct-20 21:49:00

Sounds very like my DH. He really didn't do small children at all and wasn't that great with older ones. And yes he was exactly the same with our own, although he quite liked being the father of someone as clever as DD. Oddly enough all three grandsons were at our house the day before DH went into hospital for the last time and he made a real effort to enjoy having them round although we had no idea it would be the last time he saw them. They all miss him and seem to have nice memories so his anti children thing must have been more obvious to me than it was to them.

ElaineI Sat 17-Oct-20 00:26:55

One day a week is not much. We have DGS1 and DGD sometimes twice a week and now for sleepovers once a month. We also have DGS2 twice a week and 4 times a week if childminder is on holiday. It is tiring and though I am 64 I find it physically exhausting. Also my DM is 85 and increasingly needing help as has advanced macular degeneration. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed and just tired as I am up early when doing childcare - 5.45 for DD1 and 6.45 for DD2. I need paracetamol to start the day as my limbs are so sore. My DH has a brilliant relationship with all DGC but he does the fun things and it is me who does nappies, toilet training, shopping, looking after if ill or hurt themselves, arrange (pre-Covid) things to do - soft play, baby groups etc, arrange (post-Covid) woods, nature trails etc. I could not leave DGS2 who is 2 ½ with him as his expectations of that age are dangerous i.e. he randomly remembers he must go to the garage/upstairs to the computer/upstairs to the loo whilst he is with the DGC and just does it leaving back door open, gate open, toddler at foot of stairs etc. What I am trying to say is I think men are not in tune to the risks of looking after small children and not intuitive to their needs and it is not till they begin to respond that the relationship of grandfather builds. I, DD1 and DD2 also find that DH winds children up at mealtimes and before bed which is difficult to deal with. Sometimes I get on better if he is not there which is a sad thing to say but when our own children were small he was at work and I was at home so maybe understandable. All DGC love their Papa dearly and also the fun they have with him. He did take turns when they were tiny babies with colic but it was me who did the pacing round the garden, singing, rocking for hours on end.
I have age appropriate toys in a box and move anything breakable, damageable as much as possible because it is easier. All the children have responded well to what can/cannot be touched and by 3 are usually reliable to not touch other things although even at 6 can easily get carried away. Personally if I was you I would remove anything breakable or not touchable before the baby came and go out as much as possible. Small children can spend hours digging in mud, throwing stones in ponds and running through grass in woodlands. Get your DD to bring a bag with wellies, puddle suit and all in one. We spend a good ½ hour jumping in puddles, throwing stones, squelching mud - you can't get that time back. My DH I think might have mild ASD maybe why he can't enjoy these things but please don't let it interfere with your enjoyment and relationship with your DGS.

Coconut Sat 17-Oct-20 09:49:23

Not everyone likes small children and you have to accept that your selfish husband is one of those and you cannot change that. However, he also has to accept that you love them and you are not going to stop looking after the child just to keep him happy. How disgusting that he is shouting at you in front of the child who will very soon pick up on this hostility. If he cannot take himself out, pick a room each and tell him to stay well out of your way. His behaviour is clearly displaying that he has no concern for your feelings whatsoever, it’s all about him and he is ruining your precious time with that small child. Personally that is something I would not tolerate.