I am very much struggling to get along with my MIL to the point that I think our relationship is pretty much breaking down. It is particularly difficult for us as we live on the same road and there is no hope of us ever moving. So I basically want to try and have some civil relationship at the very least. I also desparately want my children to have a relationship with their grandma as I barely knew my own and feel its is something I missed out on as a child.
It seems to me that she has taken against me since we got engaged, no congratulations, wouldn't discuss wedding plans, booked a holiday knowing it was our wedding date. She eventually told DH that she thought we were too young (26) to marry and wanted us to wait until we were in our 30s. We both decided that we really wanted to get married and went ahead, she turned up in black and didn't speak to me for the entire day (except to tell me I "looked about 12).
Things didn't get much better but I hoped that she would eventually except me. Obviously I don't know for sure, but her reaction to all her children getting married was fairly hostile and I often wondered if she has abandonment issues (??). So I foolishly agreed to buy our first home nearby so Dh can spend time with her and made it clear she can visit whenever she liked.
This was somewhat niave on my part and things went from bad to worse as she would literally turn up and criticise everything and trying and micro manage our lives. I bit my tongue but started to feel resentful and somewhat hurt by her constant disapproval. She could also be mischievous; If my husband was away she would turn up and hint that he is probably having an affair "they all do when they work away".
When the babies were born she want from being difficult to being a real nightmare. Very controlling and wanting be to ignore midwives/hv advice, telling me not to BF, wanting to choose names, hating my name choices, telling me I didn't know what I was doing every time I saw her. She blamed me for absolutely everything. When DD caught a cold it was because I wasn't keeping her warm enough. None of my baby equipment met her standards - all wrong. She then wanted me to go back to work so she can give full time care to my DD. She had began telling other people this without discussing it with me.
She would be very hostile to my lovely mother and began criticising her baby skills often her leaving in tears. She brushed this off as 'hurting too easily'. We tried to compromise by saying she could have DD for one day a week which seemed to make her happy. Heres the problem....she was dangerously bad with her. E.g giving her marbles to play with when she was 8 months old. Leaving her alone in a different room when she was crawling around whilst she baked in the kitchen. Forgetting to give her milk even though she was crying. Final straw was when she strapped in a pushchair wrapped up in coat and blankets and left her by the radiator. When we picked her up she was just ignoring her crying obviously far too hot. I refused to leave her alone with her.
I visited a few times a week but would stay with DD. This enraged MIL who naturally knew that I didn't trust her and so she began lashing out at me over every tiny thing. I couldn't cope, so DH would take her around at the weekend for supervised visits. This worked well for a short time.
Problem is now DD and DS are older and neither like to visit and want to go home very quickly. So MIL has started turning up at our house again. Obviously I let her in but she is just so awful to me as she seems to be still holding a grudge. I literally shake when she is here. I have asked her to come when DH is here but she rarely does. I have come to the conclusion that she scares me and I naturally feel nervous her being around my children even supervised even though there is very little harm she can do.
I made the mistake of confiding in her that I have been prescibed AD for anxiety and that I can't always cope with unannounced visits. No sympathy. She is now telling everyone in the family I am unstable.
I want to move but honestly we cannot afford to do this anytime soon as we are trying to renovate (another story).
Please gransnetters help me to cope better with her without confrontation and without cutting her out of our lives (which is the advice I keep getting but am reluctant to do). If possible help me see things from her POV because I am stumped. She also has difficult relationships with other ILs but she is particularly hostile to me I suspect because I am nearest.
Thank you xx
annebo Sat 07-Nov-20 21:26:37
annebo Sat 07-Nov-20 21:27:01
phoenix Sat 07-Nov-20 21:38:52
Jaxjacky Sat 07-Nov-20 21:39:45
Lolo81 Sat 07-Nov-20 21:40:14
Dinahmo Sat 07-Nov-20 21:44:16
Sparkling Sat 07-Nov-20 21:46:38
B9exchange Sat 07-Nov-20 21:48:45
OceanMama Sat 07-Nov-20 21:58:09
annebo Sat 07-Nov-20 23:52:45
annebo Sat 07-Nov-20 23:53:24
welbeck Sun 08-Nov-20 00:42:11
Hithere Sun 08-Nov-20 01:02:27
sodapop Sun 08-Nov-20 09:01:38
Nonogran Sun 08-Nov-20 10:43:24
25Avalon Sun 08-Nov-20 10:56:53
annebo Sun 08-Nov-20 11:16:31
OceanMama Sun 08-Nov-20 11:40:52
Grammaretto Sun 08-Nov-20 11:50:02
Hithere Sun 08-Nov-20 12:32:10
Hithere Sun 08-Nov-20 12:38:53
luluaugust Sun 08-Nov-20 12:50:06
annebo Sun 08-Nov-20 13:00:14
annebo Sun 08-Nov-20 13:01:42
Floradora9 Sun 08-Nov-20 15:25:19