i think you just need to taper off contact.
maybe for high days and holidays there can be a brief appearance by children, but not left alone with her.
you cannot correct her or appease her, she is off her trolley. best to avoid.
look after yourself.
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Grandparenting
Sorry another MIL question
(41 Posts)Hi everyone
I am very much struggling to get along with my MIL to the point that I think our relationship is pretty much breaking down. It is particularly difficult for us as we live on the same road and there is no hope of us ever moving. So I basically want to try and have some civil relationship at the very least. I also desparately want my children to have a relationship with their grandma as I barely knew my own and feel its is something I missed out on as a child.
It seems to me that she has taken against me since we got engaged, no congratulations, wouldn't discuss wedding plans, booked a holiday knowing it was our wedding date. She eventually told DH that she thought we were too young (26) to marry and wanted us to wait until we were in our 30s. We both decided that we really wanted to get married and went ahead, she turned up in black and didn't speak to me for the entire day (except to tell me I "looked about 12).
Things didn't get much better but I hoped that she would eventually except me. Obviously I don't know for sure, but her reaction to all her children getting married was fairly hostile and I often wondered if she has abandonment issues (??). So I foolishly agreed to buy our first home nearby so Dh can spend time with her and made it clear she can visit whenever she liked.
This was somewhat niave on my part and things went from bad to worse as she would literally turn up and criticise everything and trying and micro manage our lives. I bit my tongue but started to feel resentful and somewhat hurt by her constant disapproval. She could also be mischievous; If my husband was away she would turn up and hint that he is probably having an affair "they all do when they work away".
When the babies were born she want from being difficult to being a real nightmare. Very controlling and wanting be to ignore midwives/hv advice, telling me not to BF, wanting to choose names, hating my name choices, telling me I didn't know what I was doing every time I saw her. She blamed me for absolutely everything. When DD caught a cold it was because I wasn't keeping her warm enough. None of my baby equipment met her standards - all wrong. She then wanted me to go back to work so she can give full time care to my DD. She had began telling other people this without discussing it with me.
She would be very hostile to my lovely mother and began criticising her baby skills often her leaving in tears. She brushed this off as 'hurting too easily'. We tried to compromise by saying she could have DD for one day a week which seemed to make her happy. Heres the problem....she was dangerously bad with her. E.g giving her marbles to play with when she was 8 months old. Leaving her alone in a different room when she was crawling around whilst she baked in the kitchen. Forgetting to give her milk even though she was crying. Final straw was when she strapped in a pushchair wrapped up in coat and blankets and left her by the radiator. When we picked her up she was just ignoring her crying obviously far too hot. I refused to leave her alone with her.
I visited a few times a week but would stay with DD. This enraged MIL who naturally knew that I didn't trust her and so she began lashing out at me over every tiny thing. I couldn't cope, so DH would take her around at the weekend for supervised visits. This worked well for a short time.
Problem is now DD and DS are older and neither like to visit and want to go home very quickly. So MIL has started turning up at our house again. Obviously I let her in but she is just so awful to me as she seems to be still holding a grudge. I literally shake when she is here. I have asked her to come when DH is here but she rarely does. I have come to the conclusion that she scares me and I naturally feel nervous her being around my children even supervised even though there is very little harm she can do.
I made the mistake of confiding in her that I have been prescibed AD for anxiety and that I can't always cope with unannounced visits. No sympathy. She is now telling everyone in the family I am unstable.
I want to move but honestly we cannot afford to do this anytime soon as we are trying to renovate (another story).
Please gransnetters help me to cope better with her without confrontation and without cutting her out of our lives (which is the advice I keep getting but am reluctant to do). If possible help me see things from her POV because I am stumped. She also has difficult relationships with other ILs but she is particularly hostile to me I suspect because I am nearest.
Thank you xx
If possible help me see things from her POV because I am stumped.
Not surprised that you are stumped. Whatever her POV, her behaviour is completely and utterly inappropriate
So MIL has started turning up at our house again. Obviously I let her in but she is just so awful to me as she seems to be still holding a grudge. I literally shake when she is here.
Why obviously? Say clearly: "I have asked you to come when DH is here. He isn't here now. Please come back when he is!" And shut the door
I made the mistake of confiding in her that I have been presrcibed AD for anxiety and that I can't always cope with unannounced visits. No sympathy. She is now telling everyone in the family I am unstable
Say clearly: "I told you that I don't want unannounced visits. You have ignored my request" And shut the door. Then ring the family and tell them that MIL is saying you are unstable because you take AD. State clearly that you are not unstable just suffering from anxiety caused by MIL.
help me to cope better with her without confrontation
Stating clearly a fact is not confrontation. Try to get your head around that and state facts at her very clearly as above.
She told me that no child should have a nap after 10 months even though my DD really needed a little afternoon nap
Say clearly: "DD still needs an afternoon nap. That is our policy."
Asserting oneself makes a fairly trivial situation 100 x worse.....*Thankfully BIL opened up to me about their struggles and made me feel a little better*
That is because everyone engages in her drama, including the rest of the family who are clearly all scared of her. You are ALL presumably suffering from her outrageous behaviour. You ALL need to work together to block her dramas and to refuse to engage in her dramas that is her so far successful method of getting her own way.
TBH I think she actually needs to suffer the consequences of her appalling behaviour and it is very unusual for me to say this but I think you should consider cutting off from her. DH should consider it as well. If you do that, state clearly to her (by letter?) the reasons that you are doing that. Moving first would be a good idea.
it doesn't matter whether DD needs a nap or not.
it's nothing to do with MIL.
it's your decision.
don't discuss anything with her, because that implies she has a stake in how you run your family's life.
she does not. don't open the door to her.
she is a foot in the door merchant. give an inch, they take a mile. don't give her that inch. repel bandits.
read up on fear, obligation and guilt, (FOG).
Some people are not good at interacting with small children.
If MiL doesn't have the right
toys etc perhaps you should supply her with some.
Do something positive to help the relationship work. That's if you really want it to.
My DM was in some ways similar to your MiL. She openly said she was frightened of babies and bored by small children.
It was said jokingly but there was truth in it.
She loved their company as they got older and took a real interest in their studies and hobbies, their partners and their DC so they liked her a lot and were sad when she died.
Now as adults they remember her fondly even the box of cars which she brought out claiming everyone loved toy cars.
Grammaretto
Some people are not good at interacting with small children.
If MiL doesn't have the right
toys etc perhaps you should supply her with some.
Do something positive to help the relationship work. That's if you really want it to.
My DM was in some ways similar to your MiL. She openly said she was frightened of babies and bored by small children.
It was said jokingly but there was truth in it.
She loved their company as they got older and took a real interest in their studies and hobbies, their partners and their DC so they liked her a lot and were sad when she died.
Now as adults they remember her fondly even the box of cars which she brought out claiming everyone loved toy cars.
Did you read the updates?
Mil doesn’t like when the children bring their own toys
Op has gone above and beyond to include her, and for her efforts now has anxiety to see her!
of course everyone likes toy cars !
but that's not the issue. and this MIL does not sound like the owner of the box of cars.
How MIL interacts with her GC is not really the main issue in this difficult situation Grammarretto Her other astounding behaviours seem far more important to be dealt with
Thank you again. I am thinking about situation and we are dealing with it taking your kind advice in. We have a plan. xx
Here we go again. Where is this magical, fantasy place where Coronavirus doesn't exist and people can just visit and come indoors? I'd really love to know!
Hetty58
Here we go again. Where is this magical, fantasy place where Coronavirus doesn't exist and people can just visit and come indoors? I'd really love to know!
Parts of Canada?
Parts of Australia?
Apparently the entirety of the US?
Hetty58
Here we go again. Where is this magical, fantasy place where Coronavirus doesn't exist and people can just visit and come indoors? I'd really love to know!
Not everyone is in the UK :-)
annebo good to hear that you have a plan 
Is there the slightest possibility that you could lose your temper once and for all and tell your mother-in-law exactly where she gets off?
And don't apologise afterwards.
Doormats, dear girl, get trodden on, so stop being one. Tell this infuriating woman that she is welcome when you invite her, but that she is not just to drop in.
You have tried to make things work by being nice. That did no good, so make her respect you by blowing your top. Nothing else will do the trick.
Annebo, if your mother in law is literate why not give her this letter of yours to read?
I guess you need to express your true feelings to her. She actually sounds well meaning but socially clueless
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