Sleepovers (question from DIL)

You could of course just show her this chat group’s response. Your baby, your choice of what to do. ??

I don't think there is any right and wrong about the age of a child for staying over at GPs (sorry, 'sleepover' sounds like a party to me!)
There are a lot of cultural differences about this (indeed, within folk who appear superficially to be from the same culture).
I too think the main cue is that you are uncomfortable. You really need to talk to your DH and include him - he may be uncomfortable disagreeing with his mum, but you do need to explain. He can say 'Daisy's family do things differently, and we need more time'.
I also wonder what your mum thinks (apologies if your mum is absent or distant)
Although Covid is making everyone a little more anxious, I wouldn't blame it too much, as she'll glom on to that once you're all vaccinated!
But I do think it's OK to say 'I'm not comfortable yet' and let her moan away.
I agree that boundaries are important, and you need to establish yours - you can keep the door open for the future, but if you get persuaded to do this, then feel unhappy, you'd have to justify changing your mind.

If absolutely necessary (and she does sound like she has a tin ear!) you DH will have to say 'If you push us / Daisy too much on this, we won't feel comfortable leaving child even for a short while'.
Sorry you are going through this - I don't understand this insistence either and I grew up in a very close family

She sounds like the mother in law from hell. I think everyone is in agreement that you do things your way. She is causing so much stress. Ask your husband to tell his mother outright that baby sitting is not needed at the moment sends hugs to you.

Can you have MIL babysit for a couple of hours in your home. Perhaps to allow you and partner to go shopping, for a lunch, meet with friends (adhering to any relevant Covid rules of course). Whilst you don't need childcare at the moment there may come a time when you do eg an emergency so keeping a link albeit short and sweet times may be worth keeping. Do you think oerhaos your son is out of sorts after a sleepover as he isn't familiar enough with his surroundings. That said your son is no one's responsibility other than his parents so just say 'no need for sleepovers' .

They are all different. My eldest grandson stayed overnight from a young age and spent a lot of time with me. My other grandson has never stayed overnight. Regardless of this, it is ultimately YOUR decision and you shouldn't have to justify it.

Please don't allow your MIL to do anything you don't want her to do. As many others have said your baby your rules. Make it clear that this is what you and your babies dad have decided and there will be no more conversations about the subject, until you decide its okay. Remember Your baby your rules. No argument.

Oh you poor thing having this pressure put on you. I am a granny and I feel that having a baby with this Covid epidemic must be very hard indeed. I have a 3 year old grandchild who has never stayed overnight with anyone and my own children certainly never until they wanted to. You must do what you feel is right for you and involve mil when you are ready.

That's a very good suggestion 4allweknow and I've been thinking the same thing.

Wow. So many people on here against a baby sleeping overnight at grandparents. I wonder why ?

I’m lucky and my grandchildren have had sleepovers at my house since they were very young HOWEVER the routines asked for by their parents were always stuck to and the reasons for sleepovers were not for my benefit but to give the parents a break and a night’s sleep

The result being 3 children who have always been comfortable, confident and relaxed at my house and parents who don’t worry if there’s ever a ‘need’ for an emergency sleepover

As a grandma to 4 all of varying ages, I certainly would not have pushed to have any of those babies stay over unless their parents specifically asked me too. I always said I was happy to help with child care and babysitting, on their terms.

Stand your grazing and just say " thanks, but no thanks" when MIL pushes to have you little one sleep over. He's your son, you know him best. Good luck and I wish you all the best as new parents in these very difficult times.

Oops Stand your ground! Blooming predictive text Lol

I am so sorry to hear the your MIL is causing so much stress on what should be a joyous time. I question what exactly she is planning to do with the baby all night if she is so insistent on it. There is plenty of time in the future to establish a warm relationship with her grandson, so why the insistence of an overnight now?

Do not leave your baby with her overnight,you’d have a nervous breakdown.Just say you feel very teary leaving your child ( blame COVID) Just keep stalling you are the parents——- old say “If in doubt don’t “,good luck.

I have one piece of advice OP. As a new mother, you need to stop caring about other people’s wants & feelings regarding your parenting. Yes, even your MIL’s feelings need to be ignored. They don’t matter, yours do. This is your baby, not hers.

Not to mention, offering an open ended invitation to have the baby sleep over if you & your spouse need a break is fine. Hassling you about your child sleeping over is not fine. It does not benefit the baby, it does not benefit you. It only appeases MILs wants. And we all know she won’t care for your baby the way you’ve asked her to and it will cause you anxiety all night. So simply tell her no and to quit asking.

Toadinthehole

Goodness, where do I start?! Regardless of ANY of the reasons you’ve sited as to why you don’t want to do this.....there is absolutely no need, ever, for such a young baby to stay overnight with grandparents. I’m not an advocate of it ever to be honest with you, no matter how old the child is. We’ve had our time, although if you must do it, I would say 10 years old is soon enough. I respect those who think differently.
She sounds a nightmare....just like my late MIL. Forget ‘ making her happy’. It doesn’t work, we tried it. This is your precious baby, her feelings don’t count. It’s time to impolitely say NO. You won’t regret it. Your child must come first, and if you have more, you need to have set the boundaries now, otherwise it’ll just get harder.
I wish you all the best.

Wow! That’s a bit dogmatic isn’t it ? Who says ?10 years old ? A lot of children love staying with grandparents, I know mine do and have done for a long time.
I had DGD stay from I think about 1 year because the parents suggested it ! Nothing wrong with that if it suits both parties.
The issue with OP is that she’s does not want it which is her absolute right .

It is up to you as parents to decide when you want your child to stay at a GP's or anyone else's home without you. I have to say I have had each of my daughter's three children to stay over from when they were just a fortnight old, mainly so she could have a decent night's sleep, and I used to have them all to stay most Friday nights and all day Saturday too (I was working full time as well which is why we settled on sleepovers only on a Friday night) But my house was quiet, I lived alone and used to go to bed fairly early to be up with the baby early the next day. And, of course, we didn't have worries about Covid then either.

Far too young for overnight stays. I completely fall in line with what my DIL says. I prefer it that way and so I am trusted. You shouldn't be put under any pressure or stress about this, and don't leave your baby with anyone who doesn't abide by your rules. Perhaps say you will ask for help if you need it and include her in visits with you there.

I have 4 grandchildren - only 1 has stayed overnight with us and they were 6/7 at the time. We regularly provide childcare for our two youngest grandchildren (now 2 and 4) while their parents are at work, which we enjoy very much. Personally although I love them dearly I don't feel the need to have them sleep over atm - I enjoy my sleep too much lol

Like I said Lucca, I respect those who think differently. This is just my opinion...not fact.

I expected to accept more childcare help before our baby was born, but between covid, her constant pressure, and concerns about what I’ve seen in her childcare of our niece, I’m very hesitant. The few times we have left him in her care for a few hours (at her insistence), it has been very stressful for both my husband and me. Our son has been quite cranky upon returning home and we found his sleep was disrupted for multiple days after. Her home is very loud and she has stated she doesn’t feel naps are really necessary (despite our clear explanations that our 9 month old MUST nap at certain intervals)

This paragraph absolutely highlights why you and your husband must present a completely united front on what you will and won't allow with your son. Clear statements like "We have decided that at the moment we prefer to have him with us!" "We are not considering sleepovers anywhere at the moment" consistently applied. Alternatively "Last time he stayed with you he was very cranky because he had not slept, which is what he needs. So we will keep him with us for the moment, so his routine is not disrupted like that!"

Regarding sleepovers I don't think there are hard and fast rules, generally. It depends on the parents, the grandchildren's personalities and the Grandparents. But if the parents have ANY reservations at all about anyone, family or not, then they should never ignore those reservations.

I was 37 when I became a grandmother. I loved her to distraction, and still do, but the only the my DD asked me to intervene was when my DGD turned day into night. She asked, I helped her and she didn't ask again although I would have gladly helped her. My point is that all help and having a baby overnight should come from you not your MIL.

I love/adore my grandchildren (6 and almost 3) and I regularly "kidnap" them for playdates and sleepovers at my house. My daughter and son-in-law love having an opportunity to have "grown up" time and date nights too. Everyone wins.

I adore that my daughter trusts me with her darling children. The time I spend with them is priceless.

just say no.
forget about making her happy.
you let her watch him, against your better judgment, and at her insistence.
she has no power of insistence. don't give her it.

Thank you all for your kind feedback and advice.

To answer some questions:
-my son has not had any overnights there at this point. The longest she babysat for was about 4 hours.
-some of it is cultural/community based. She constantly whines that her friends get to have “sleepovers” with their grandchildren. (Her word, not mine.) I grew up in the same metro area, but my parents live about 1.5 hours away (my in laws are 30 minutes from us). My mother has never pressured me about having the baby come stay with her, but she has offered her assistance for if/when it’s needed.
-I am in the US. So while our numbers are terrifyingly high, there is no universal shutdown and my state hasn’t had a shutdown since spring. My MIL doesn’t deny that the virus is real, but she gets very angry when we take any precautions (masks, asking her not to kiss the baby and asking her to refrain from kissing us, etc). She recently held a gathering in her home with more than the maximum number of people permitted by our state. I want to note that her 95 year old father lives with her and my in laws are both in their 60s. We are trying to keep our child safe, but we are also very concerned about their safety. My town had over 100 cases in the past week.
-my husband always backs me up in conservations with her, but he privately questions me about whether we should just give in to make her happy and since she constantly reminds him that her friends (including some of his friends’ parents) regularly watch their grandchildren overnight.
-I’m getting to the point where I’m closer and closer to blowing my top. Her passive aggressive comments are grinding me down. I don’t want to be rude, but she literally refuses to take no for an answer and won’t leave the issue be.

Re what her friends do...straight answer from you is

"That is obviously what works for their grandchildren's parents which is fine. However that is not what we wish to do!"

If she askes why you are not happy to do it the reply could either be "Because we do not feel it is appropriate for our son" OR "because we feel it is important to keep his routine at this stage. That is what we have decided."

If she won't take no for answer just keep repeating or eventually just say "We have discussed this. We have explained our reasons"

Re your husband ,,,I think you have to point out that the issue is not keeping his Mum happy (and off his back?); the issue is doing the right thing for your son...and clearly when she babysits there is a problem re his sleeping needs ...plus whatever concerns you have re her care of your niece"

I know how hard this is but you are absolutely right to put your son's needs and your instincts/concerns about care first. It would be different if you did not have those obvious reservations