Sleepovers (question from DIL)

I've had sleepovers with my GS since he was about a year old. But I totally accept following his mum's routine while he's with me. Why wouldn't I? He's easier to cope with if I do.

I think you're reasonable to say, 'not yet'. But I think you also have to be very clear with her. IF in the future she has him overnight, you expect his routine to be followed. If not, the visits won't happen again. You need to tell her it's about trust.

Yes, only in an absolute emergency, would I ever have thought about letting my children stay overnight with grandparents. Luckily...we never had an emergency!

Goodness, where do I start?! Regardless of ANY of the reasons you’ve sited as to why you don’t want to do this.....there is absolutely no need, ever, for such a young baby to stay overnight with grandparents. I’m not an advocate of it ever to be honest with you, no matter how old the child is. We’ve had our time, although if you must do it, I would say 10 years old is soon enough. I respect those who think differently.
She sounds a nightmare....just like my late MIL. Forget ‘ making her happy’. It doesn’t work, we tried it. This is your precious baby, her feelings don’t count. It’s time to impolitely say NO. You won’t regret it. Your child must come first, and if you have more, you need to have set the boundaries now, otherwise it’ll just get harder.
I wish you all the best.

I occasionally babysat my GD, in her own home, when she was little. It couldn't be frequent due to the distance between our homes.

She didn't come to stay overnight with us, on her own, until she was 7. That was quite soon enough for her and now she enjoys coming.

I don't see it is necessary for a baby to sleep over with grandparents other than in exceptional circumstances. Perhaps a compromise would be to ask you MiL to look after your baby in your home occasionally while you go out or have a night away.

Your MIL has no right to be so demanding. She needs to be told, once and for all. She’s a silly woman who needs to stand back and only be there for you, if asked.

All of the posters have given excellent advice. Your mil is really out of order demanding a sleepover. It may be that she is excited about being a grandmother but you are in charge, this is your baby. You and your husband have to be a united front on this. I had dgs for a sleepover when he was ten months because my daughter asked if I would. I was exhausted! I've had him once overnight after lock down when he was a bit older. I never ask to have him overnight as I think at two he's still a bit wee. I know dd and dsil had problems with his dad as he was determined to have dgs regularly overnight. They were firm that it wasn't happening and keep reiterating that. You do the same. Best wishes to you.

Why does she need to spend time with him asleep? Surely awake is better. She has had much more than is even allowed/recommended (depending on where you are) during the pandemic.

Don't do anything you aren't comfortable with. Seeing her is already having a negative effect on your sonand you.

"thank you for offering but we do not plan to let him stay anywhere overnight for a while, we will let you know when we are ready."

Hopefully, if you make it really clear that overnights are simply not going to happen because neither of you can bear to be parted from your baby, she will stop asking. It is up to your husband to tell her while you are there. You both have to show a united front.

You are being perfectly reasonable. I would never have let my children sleep away from us at that age, only when they were much older and understood what it was all about. As it happens ours never slept at grandparents unless we were there too as they lived too far away. You must do what is best for your baby. Good luck and stick to your decision.

I would not have felt at all happy sending a baby that age to sleep overnight anywhere. Likewise would never have asked DD to do it. As others have said it’s your baby and your rules. Sounds like MiL wants to play dollies!

I think the advice given above is very sound and I’m sorry these special early months with your little one are being marred by your MIL. Most grandparents delight in the arrival of grandchildren but one of the joys is to enjoy their company knowing you don’t have ultimate responsibility for them.

Relationships with in laws can be fraught; it came as quite a shock to me to find that, although my late MIL treated me kindly, I was not loved by my FIL who found me too assertive.

You say you have concerns over your MIL's care of your niece which set alarm bells ringing. You sound like a very caring, sensible mother and I’m sorry your MIL is being so insistent. Encourage your DH to speak to her, as gt66 suggests. Follow your instincts above all and let us know how things develop. Good luck!

Put your child first. He won’t enjoy a sleepover. Babies this age like routine. Just say Thanks, but no thanks., don’t engage in a discussion.

I agree with everyone else up thread....if you and your baby are not happy for him to stay overnight, then you must stick to your guns and not let her bully pressure you into giving in.

What about your husband? Could he not be the one to say no to his Mum?

Say; ' Sorry that doesn't work for me' and refuse to say more . In this instance you hold all of the cards, if you are a SAHM you don't need childcare so won't be looking for her to help you go back to work. I think 9 months is far too young to leave overnight. I think you need to put your foot down firmly now, because you are going to find she will interfere more if you cave in now. As they say on Mumsnet ' No is a complete sentence'

Agree with all of the above. Basically, your baby your rules.

I have a 9 month old too! My in-laws have watched her twice (at our house). I have no plans to let them have overnights until she's about 2 (or even just at their house). She's too little. It's okay to have a boundary that the routine (naps) must be followed if she wants to babysit (or she won't get too). However sometimes bubbas don't want to sleep for others and that's okay too, as long as they tried. You do what's comfortable for you, don't ever feel pressured or let her pressure you. "Sorry we're not comfortable with overnights yet" is a perfectly acceptable response.

As far as what is best for your baby, what does this tell you?

Our son has been quite cranky upon returning home and we found his sleep was disrupted for multiple days after.

Maybe your MIL needs you to be more direct? You said you've run out of ways to say no nicely. Maybe she's one of these people who doesn't get hints and needs to be told things straight?

It sounds like you have allowed your MIL to pressure you into doing something with your child that you aren't comfortable with. It causes stress. The baby will pick up on this stress in his parents. You do not owe your MIL any particular grandma experience. She has had her turn with her children. Now it is your turn to make decisions about how you will raise your child. You can say no to anything at all. If MIL gets upset or reacts badly, that is for her to deal with. It doesn't mean you have done anything wrong.

A nine month old needs his parents more than anyone. Tell MIL, "Thank you for your kind offer. We don't need childcare at this time but will let you know if we would like your help." When it comes to overnights: "Thanks for the offer but we prefer to wait until he is older before we do something like that." Or, since you've already been doing them, "We have found it difficult to have our son away from us at such a young age and have decided that we will not do it again until he is much older." Any objections, just tell her it's what you've decided as his parents. She doesn't have to agree or like it.

MIL doesn't have to have your baby overnight or for childcare to feel included. She can visit during the day and read him books, help feed him if that is something you are comfortable with, take him for walks (with or without you, depending on how you feel about that), go on outings with you both, come for lunch in the weekend. She doesn't need to have alone time with him. If she is not happy to accept what is offered, this is not your problem and you don't have to correct it.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but I see a young mother who is doing things she is uncomfortable with to please her MIL when there is no need for you to cause yourself this stress. Your baby, your way. No-one else gets to make those decisions. Anyone who doesn't like what you decide, including grandma, will just have to get over it.

What do you think is best for your baby? That should inform your decision, not what is best for MIL.