my family is a mess and I don' know what to do

It is more the dynamic and conflict between my son and the stepson, but I feel it is not good for the baby. I feel the tension is like a powder keg about to go off. The stepson is volatile and once threatened to stab me. I have no reason to believe the baby is being harmed in any way but how would I know that for sure? She is 7 months old and has hardly been outdoors.
Thankyou MissAdventure- I hadn't thought about the NSPCC.

Thankyou Cornergran- I will try them tomorrow.

I think the tether ran out a long time ago!

I appreciate all the comments- thankyou.

Good advice 're the NSPCC MissA, they're completely confidential and will offer support and advice or just a listening ear.

You can also contact the Samaritans. They will listen to you about this type of problem. The issue does not need to be depression or suicide. Remember to be kind to yourself.

Good advice given on here keepingquiet. I have been helped by others on this site in the past and having a friendly ear is always useful to let off steam. I have a similar difficult new grandchild situation at present and have learned to try and back off mentally from situations I can't control. Not easy though. Stay as strong as you can but reach out when you need to.

I m trying to get a picture of all this to come up with some ideas
Can you think about the relationship and see anything positive?
Is the baby loved and looked after? Is the house kept clean is the baby thriving? Is she played with ?
Do you go over once a fortnight to their place and see this conflict for yourself or does your son tell you all about it ?

You say none of them go out, do the men work ? You say your son is financially independent so I presume he is working when you say you support them what actually do you mean ?

I m sorry for all these questions but before you ring anyone you need to have all the facts at your fingertips, you need to be clear what you are asking for and what you are telling them

Get a piece of paper and a pen and write down bullet points of all your concerns I may be wrong but I get the impression you are being fed lots of negative information and moans over the phone and then are left thinking and imagining what’s happening with no one to talk it over with and you are understandable overwhelmed with concerns and fears whilst being on your own with no one to talk it over with

Thank you so much for this. I have been dealing with this for months and have managed well- so what is the difference? The baby seems loved, yes. One positive in the relationship is that they are still together, though my son constantly talks of leaving her he always goes back. His father died recently and he really misses him- so there is the grief to deal with.
Their housing situation is not great, not the way I would choose to live but hey! What do I know?
Basically they live in chaos.
The baby was very small when she was born but seems to be developing ie she crawls, babbles, is being weaned. I'm unsure about the play bit- I seem to be the only one who bought her toys for Christmas but again, it is hard to say. She is very young. When I go I only stay for a short while because I'm shielding.
I have been working on my relationship with my son since his father died, but it isn't easy, Last night was a bit of a break-through, so I hope he keeps in touch.
When I go they are pleased to see me. I don't feel pushed out at all, but they have cats I am allergic too so I never feel comfortable. I also sense the strain, but rarely see the step-son. I suppose I think the Covid thing is putting a strain on everyone and everyone is the same. Maybe they aren't.
My son isn't in steady work, and the stepson worked in a pub so has no income now- although the family are not poor. I feel I am supporting them by being the only person who visits because they are very isolated, and also I feel I need to see my grandchild because I have no one else around me. She is a joy.
My son's partner has some physical and mental health problems, she is supposed to be getting counselling and my son has his own difficulties.
Having written all this I think the main worry is the conflict between the two men in the house, which has always been fraught. My son tried to throw him out but that isn't sensible. The stepson seems to be drinking too much- but I hear lots of people are. My son and his wife don't drink.
Your final paragraph sums it up. I have no one to talk this over with, so coming here has been helpful.
Thank you.

keepingquiet thank you for coming back and filling in some blanks
I can see your concerned about the step son and your sons inability to get on especially living in the same house and you’re probably right it is made much worse because they are all thrown together during CoviD but your most recent post has highlighted some good points too The baby appears to be thriving and meeting her milestones babbling, crawling, being weaned Your son and daughter in law don’t have alcohol (hopefully not drugs either) problems
A lot of people don’t live in the way we think ‘is right’ or acceptable over messy, maybe not as clean or tidy as we think is right but that doesn’t mean the baby won’t be fine

My main advice is try and keep the talking lines open with your son let him vent to you then you can vent to us ? try to let him talk it out of his system without offering too much advice unless asked (I ve had to learn that lesson as I always want to find a solution for every problem)
As long as you think the baby is well and fed, cleaned, loved (hopefully played with) then I personally don’t think you need to ring NSPCC or others to rush to do ‘anything’ but you do need to manage your own fears and worries Obviously if that changes then alert someone immediately
Do be patient about your daughter in laws counselling the mental health teams and the charities are over whelmed at the moment
I think what you need more than anything is an unloading platform and hopefully you ll find it here
You are supporting your son and family and you need support too
Good luck keepingquiet ?

You are listening to your son, and I am sure that is appreciated by him. Does his partner have a mum, sister, brother? If so, are they supportive and does your son get on with them? Does her son get on with them? Perhaps you could suggest that your son and your grandchild visit you occasionally, which may relieve pressure in their house. These are difficult times for everyone and a multi occupied household, is bound to be very stressful, especially with a baby.

Yes- thanks everyone. I feel much better today. My son video called me with the baby and assured me things were better today. I guess I have to believe him until next time.

I didn't ring any helplines as I'm aware there are far more people out there with much bigger problems.

I'm so glad I found some support here, it has made a big difference.

My son's partner's family are very complex and I stay out of things, as I have my own concerns to concentrate on.

They never visit me- she is the driver and doesn't like going out and it isn't a good time for public transport.

However, he did say they had bought a new pushchair and that is a big leap forward as it means they can take her out more, or he can take the baby out on his own.

So maybe the pressure will be relieved on us all soon.

Thanks everyone-this is a great site!

Keep popping in and having a chat about anything it doesn’t have to be a problem just make some friends
Good luck in the future

It's good to hear that news, keepingquiet, and that the advice here was useful.
I expect that talking it over with you has helped your son too.

In the past my niece would phone with a problem or moan. I would worry about it but next time I spoke to her concerned asking about her problems she would say "oh I had forgotten about that its fine now was just having a moan.

I think you have to differentiate between someone just unloading and a real problem that they cannot deal with themselves.

I’m glad we have been of help and things get easier.

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better. One thing I would add is that I do feel a little sorry for the stepson. It must be quite difficult for him to not only have a new adult male in the house, but a (crying, disruptive) baby as well. He has had a lot of adjusting to do at a very difficult (Covid related) time for everyone.

This does not excuse him for bad behaviour obviously.

I feel sorry for all of them, but the step-son is not my priority. I can't sort that one out!

The NSPCC have a helpline you can ring to discuss worries about a child and they will give help and advice. This link will give you the number to ring www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/

Maybe they would like the occasional walk with you if they are your bubble and have a new pushchair. If the weather isn't too bad it would mean you don't need to worry about the cats? Just a thought.

Well what age is the step son? Are you thinking there is alcohol and or drugs in the mix? Given the age of the baby the Health Visitor should have a good handle on the child's development and home situation. They would frequently be at the forefront of referral to social services if necessary. I wonder if step son has any access to a weapon for example. Personally if this were my family I would not refer unless I had strong evidence to suggest the child was at risk. Seems like your son is not going to want to walk out and leave his child.

Keeping Quiet, do you have any idea why your son is not keeping in touch as much as you would like?

I can only suggest you ask him to telephone or email you. Whatever you do, it will be better for you, the baby, and your son if you pretend not to be worried, and keep the conversations light hearted.

Thankyou Alexa- things are certainly better for now. We text every couple of days and he sends me photos. I don't know when the next crisis will happen, and it will but all's calm now.
I am not visiting due to lockdown and I think that's probably a good thing. Although I'm conscious that it is the weekend again...

Apparently this Covid has been a testing time for many families as I'd heard that more and more grandparents were becoming guardians of their grandchildren. How sad is this ?

I think it will take time for the true cost of isolation on young families to come out. Bringing up a baby takes so much support from families, friends and communities that I worry about all the invisible children born during Covid. My little granddaughter has no contact with other children and is completely unaware of her extended family. It is beyond sad.

My friend has divided chores in her house into pink and blue jobs, ie her husband does the blue jobs and she does the pink ones. Is this a good idea and should we all adopt it?

When we are on our boat cruising, my husband develops boat rage and yells at the crew, ie me! Is this normal?