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Grandparenting

Advice Appreciated

(36 Posts)
Ormond Fri 15-Jan-21 14:45:29

My son and partner delivered a beautiful grandchild 9 months ago, who is completely loved and cherished.

The pregnancy was a shock, as my son's partner was on the pill. The family have rallied to help and support, both materially and financially during the first 9 months, as things have been very hard for them as a family, this has often meant myself or my father (Great Grandad), paying bills or giving them money for food. I've also been getting busy in the kitchen, revisiting weaning recipes of old.

We've recently been told, that there may be a further pregnancy, despite my son's partner again being on the pill and apparently never missing etc.

Whilst I know it's not about money (necessarily), I wonder what others think in terms of long-term outcomes for both children, as the first grandson will be 18 month old when the 2nd one comes along.

Mum whilst improving, hasn't coped particularly well with the initial 9 months adjustment to becoming a Mum and whilst I've supported in every way possible, I wonder whether seeing this 2nd pregnancy through to conclusion, at this time, is the best thing for them as a couple, family unit or the children.

I have advised that it may be best to wait until they are more settled and that there are options (which is a terrible thing to have to think about as a grandparent), but I wonder whether Mum will be able to cope, particularly if baby no.2 requires more attention than baby no. 1, but it seems she wants to press ahead with the pregnancy.

My son whilst working, is on a zero hour contract and work is not continuously sustained, visa vie no work, no pay. I'm most probably not articulating the situation extremely well, but I'm very worried for the long term repercussion's on all concerned, particularly the grandchildren and just wondered what others felt/thought and any advice you may have to offer.

vampirequeen Fri 15-Jan-21 16:49:59

DD2 was on the pill and taking it properly each time she fell pregnant. It's not 100% effective no matter how careful you are.

Try not to worry about having children in quick succession. If I'd waited until I could afford children I'd have never had them but somehow we managed.

As said earlier, they need to check they are getting all the benefits that they are entitled to. It's more difficult when on a zero hour contract so you have to know the system. It's worth looking on a website like Turn2Us as they have benefit calculators and give advice.

benefits-calculator.turn2us.org.uk/AboutYou

3nanny6 Fri 15-Jan-21 16:51:05

Ormond ; sometimes we have to remember we are the grand-parents and not the parents. All decisions taken about the child must be taken by the parents.
My daughter had her first child and not long after announced that another baby was on the way. Both children unplanned.
The two babies were only one year apart. My daughter struggled to cope, firstly with two babies that young and then also financially. I was called on to help with everything
which I willingly done and I did have two beautiful grand-children.
The two children were almost school age and it had been difficult and she announced she was expecting another child. There was no father on the scene and I was certainly not pleased another child was on the way.
This put her back to square one and I have stepped back quite a bit particularly financially, I still offer some support
but will not allow her to make excuses about having children without taking the consequences to be able to provide for them.
I at no time ever suggested terminations to her although I will not lie the thought did come into my mind as her ability to cope with the first two was never 100 per cent.

You are right to think of the long term repercussions on everyone but the choice is not yours to make.

sodapop Fri 15-Jan-21 16:57:54

MissAdventure

I would think that considering these adults are unable to support themselves, it makes sense for them to weigh up all their options.

I agree MissA providing its their decision with no pressure from the OP.
I think you are too invested in your son and his family Ormond I understand they need your help financially but I think you need to let them sort out their own lives and child care.

welbeck Fri 15-Jan-21 16:59:40

you are interfering in the most personal aspects of this family's life.
it is not your business, and subsidising them does not give you the right to intrude in these matters.
it sounds very unhealthy. perhaps it would be better if you did not subsidise them. have they applied for benefits.
let them live their own life in their own way.

3nanny6 Fri 15-Jan-21 17:00:17

Just to clarify where I spoke about the termination I meant when it got to the third child although I never voiced those thoughts to my daughter and would not have done that.
The third grand-child is a joy but like I said my daughter puts
a heavy bargaining claim on my time and I do not always find that easy.

GagaJo Fri 15-Jan-21 17:05:02

If my child had had 2 accidental pregnancies, I would talk to her about contraception. (My child HAS had 1, and we talked about contraception then and have recently talked about it again, when she told me she had changed her method of contraception).

Abortion is a different matter. I didn't want her to have one with her only pregnancy, but I also didn't influence her. It is the biggest decision we make in life, to have a child, and I wanted it to be totally her choice.

3nanny6 Fri 15-Jan-21 17:24:22

When my daughter had the first baby and was out of hospital about two weeks later I had the conversation to her about contraception and told her to see the doctor and get what she needed.
Like the OP my daughter made excuses that the pill did not agree with her and that is how she fell pregnant in the first place. I told her to then get the contraception where it is fitted in the arm or the device they fit internally she complained she did not like the sound of those two.
In most cases the pill is most reliable especially if taken correctly, my daughter told me she forgot to take the pill once or twice when she became pregnant the second time.

Toadinthehole Fri 15-Jan-21 17:25:29

I found as a mum myself, and seen it in the grandchildren, once number two comes along, although challenging at first, is easier in the long run. I’ve seen a few parents struggle with just one...as all the focus is on them.
As for suggesting an abortion....I am a Christian, but even when I wasn’t, would never in a million years have wanted this. This is your grandchild. Imagine how they might feel about you in a few years from now, because the pain never goes away.
A few years ago, my friend’s daughter was pregnant with her fourth. Her grandmother told her she shouldn’t have the baby, as she couldn’t afford it. She owed the grandmother money. My husband and I offered to pay the grandmother what she was owed....no strings, to save the little baby. She said she just couldn’t take it from us and went ahead with the termination. She was on the Pill too, and was sterilised afterwards.
She’s not been right since, and must look at her other children, and know what she could have had.
Please don’t go down this route, but sorry if I’ve misunderstood, and this is not what you meant.

Hetty58 Fri 15-Jan-21 17:35:00

What a shocking post to read!

How dare you suggest abortion?

I'm pro-choice, but it's up to the mother, certainly none of your business!

You've helped them, and that's good. It doesn't give you any right to interfere in their lives, though.

Nansnet Mon 18-Jan-21 04:29:10

It doesn't matter how old our kids are, whether they are children, or adults, we still worry about them. The fact that the OP, and her father, has had to support this young family financially, is obviously very concerning, especially now with the prospect of another child coming along.

It's absolutely no one else's choice whether or not they go ahead with the pregnancy, and I personally would never make that suggestion to either of my kids. However, not knowing how bad the circumstances of the the OPs son & DiL are, I can forgive her, perhaps, for telling them that they have choices. They are adults now, and can't be financially reliant on their parents/grandparent forever. Of course, most of us do whatever we can to help our kids, if we have the means to do so, but there has to come a point when they start to fend for themselves, and realize that what they do with their lives isn't someone else's responsibility.

As someone else upthread said, if we'd waited until we could afford to have children, we would've been too old!

I think the best way for the OP to support her son & DiL now, would be to tell them that she's unable to offer extra finances, but to help them find out what financial support is available to them. It's very difficult as a parent to think that our kids are struggling, be there does come a time when they need to stand on their own feet.

Our son and DiL have had some financial difficulties in the past, and we've helped them out wherever we can, but the last advice we gave them was basically that it couldn't go on, and they needed to sort themselves out financially, as they couldn't rely on us every time they had a problem. I'm pleased to say, that they finally seem to have managed it!