Granddaughter sobs every time she goes to her mummys house

There are two great questions that I learned to ask my kids whenever someone else cared for them. I asked these questions privately. And I never asked in front of the caregiver if they had fun. I didn’t want them to ever feel like they were lying or couldn’t tell me if something upsetting happened because they already said they had fun.

1.What was you favorite thing that happened?
2. What was your least favorite thing that happened?

I learned a lot about what went on from these questions. Happily I never learned of any abuse, but there was enough that I stopped using certain babysitters in favor of others.

When I was investigating occasional accusations of " bullying" in school my advice to worried parent was for a whole week not to ask the child if x had been mean to them etc. but to greet them with something postive to talkabout. We promised to monitor in school. 9/10 the " bullying" disappeared... Children can quickly learn what gets attention... they don't do it to be naughty it is just learned
behaviour..

Also, we're hearing the words "Stay safe!" everywhere at the moment.

Goodynanny, I do wonder if she's picking up on your anxiety and reflecting it?

My granddaughter (on Zoom) asked 'How are you?'. I (semi) jokingly replied 'I'm bored silly!'.

She said 'Oh Nanny, I'm so bored, I can't go to school, can't see my friends, can't play out, can't go places - everything is shut here Nanny, it's horrible!

Then, a complete meltdown, tears and self pity ensued.

'Thanks a lot' said my son!

Dad sounds sensible and the parents agreed he’s best placed as resident parent. In the absence of more info, I wonder how much of this little girl’s worries are due to the difficult times we are living in. No school, no friends, little opportunity to go anywhere but familiar walks

Mum left 3 years ago and her new partner has been on the scene for just over a year.

Also if anyone asks a 5year old ' do you feel safe at mummy's house?" they might say 'no I don't' if they think that is the anwer the questioner wants... If her dad is confident that mum will take good care of the child, even if the child finds the split arrangement an unhappy one , & parents are communicating, then it seems the situation is being monitored.

Feeling safe/unsafe is very much in the lingo in some schools. At a school I used to teach at it was a big part of the PSHE curriculum. Not just about abuse, but bullying etc. Not saying she is being abused, but just that it's not necessarily come from adults at home.

I suppose the underlying fear is that the child is being abused by the new partner. That would be my fear. Keep your eyes peeled and ears open without suggesting anything to the child. If it continues I would most definitely take action.

I think, with the additional information and the fact your Granddaughters Mum has a personality disorder, I wonder if she is asking her if she feels safe and your Granddaughter just wants to go back to her Dad? If your son is coping okay with her, I think it might be better the scale down overnights for a bit? we all love our OWN beds, knowing where our toothbrush, preferring that routine, I don't know why people think children are any different tbh

How are handoffs handled? Swift and happy?

You don’t say how long Mum’s new partner has been on the scene, perhaps she was used to 1 on 1 with both Mum and Dad, quite a change along with many others this past year.

The additional information adds a lot Goodnanny. Sounds as tho your granddaughter, like almost all children, wants mummy and daddy in the same house. A sensitive 5 year old will have some understanding that mummy needs loooking after.

His ex-partner would say she settles down after a while, wouldn't she. But how long is 'a while?' and how upset is she during that time. As many other posters have said I would gently chat with her and see what she says about being at Mummy's. Something isn't right. It would put your mind at rest too. You must be going through every possible scenario in your head. I wouldn't leave it to get worse. Good luck.

My dgd loves her mummy too and wants to see her but not at mummy’s house. She wants to know why mummy and new boyfriend can’t live with her and daddy!
Her mummy suffers from borderline personality disorder and has very up and down moods, but does love her daughter. I personally think it’s more to do with my dgd just being fed up with 4 nights at daddy’s and then 3 nights at mummy’s, but obviously I can’t be sure, which is why I’m worried. She is a very bright but sensitive child.

Iam64 it seems this has been going on for a year so teacher will know child. If not at school teacher will be setting lessons online and will be available to talk to.

25Avalon, unless the dad is a keyworker, or the child identified as vulnerable, she won’t be in school. Then emotional impact of disruption to school, alongside mum having a new partner is quite a lot for a 5 year old.
Hi there, you made the point much more directly than I did. I’ve never heard a 5 year old make that statement.

Hithere

"I dont feel safe" is not a sentence a 5 year old might say on his/her own unless it is heard from adults.

I agree. 'I don't feel safe' is a very strange thing for a 5 year old to say.

"I dont feel safe" is not a sentence a 5 year old might say on his/her own unless it is heard from adults.

Please ring NSPCC on 0808 800 5000 if any one is worried about a child’s welfare. You do not need to leave a name but a helpline counsellor will give guidance.

Another thought Goodynanny has your son spoken to your gd’s teacher as to whether her behaviour has changed in school. This could be a good indicator.

Nothing here suggests the need for Family Court involvement Redhead 56. The parents have discussed it, the resident parent is working with contact arrangements.
I don’t know where the little girl said she doesn’t feel safe. That’s an unusual comment.

Could gd be worried and anxious because she mimics what she sees around her?
It happens with my kid and when I change my reaction, they also may modified theirs.

I would be very worried here . I don’t think the child should just be ignored. If you have a gut feeling something is not right then it is up to you or your son to do something.

Another perspective: has the new partner got a dog? If he has brought a dog into the household your DGD could be nervous of it, feel and unsafe, however nice-natured the dog.

Could I just offer a different perspective here as I don't think anyone has mentioned it. My parents divorced and I had a few different Stepmums in different houses. I also had a Stepdad who moved in with us. It is really difficult as a child in these different sitations to know what to do. My Stepdad had very different rules and habits to my Mum and what we were used to and the same with my Stepmums, they had different expectations of how a house was run/what was expected of us etc. I never felt 'at home' in my Dad's house so my visits there were always short and not overnight, I just never felt comfortable. My sibling stayed overnight but was a very different personality to me. My Mums home was MY home iykwim. I always felt the expectations of me were different there. Maybe she just feels like she needs to be at home with her Dad and it was why I suggested shorter visits to her Mum and building up to longer stays if necessary, though they may feel shorter visits work better.