How much support to expect from children

I have 2 sons - one lives a way away and the other in the next town. We’ve always done lots of childcare and support especially for GC nearby. Now they want to move far away to get a bigger house in cheaper area by the sea. Very upset to think we’ll rarely see GC also worried about being alone in future.

Joet- what a lovely step daughter and GS you have. I hope SD recovers. I just hope our DSs put in place the care and support we need but I don’t expect them to physically provide it.

I'm insisting on a nursing home- much better than they insist I go into one.

PaddyAnne, I did this for my Mum from 2012-19, and i will never put my children through that either. I spoke to my DH and sister, and made clear if i ever need that level of care - put me into a home...but if i can ...let me choose it x

When my Stepfather died last year, my brother took control and moved my Mum from Scarborough to Surrey. The idea was that she was going to buy a 2 bedroomed flat that they could both live in. He was living in a rented flat at the time. I begged them both to look at sheltered housing apartments, as my Mum is 90 and getting a bit frail. They were both adamant that sheltered housing wasn't an option. They found a flat and then my brother announced he was going to keep his rented flat on and just stay with Mum for 3 or 4 nights a week, which sounded quite reasonable. She has just moved in and now he has announced that he won't be living with her at all, so it was all under false pretences. The flat has no garden and is behind a parade of shops. Everything I suggested was dismissed and now it all seems to be a bit of a mess. So, its not wise to rely on children for care in old age!

I think this is a generation thing and a gender thing. Currently I am fit and healthy but I have told my children that I want to be left to be independent and if that is no longer possible then they should arrange assisted living/or a home whichever is appropriate. My husband (2nd marriage) has not told his children that he expects them to care for him if he is no longer able to live alone and I'm not around, but I do know that is what he expects.
My own father is 89 still at his home and I do his shopping, pay all his bills, buy his clothes, cook at least 4 meals a week, arrange cleaner, podiatrist gardener and repairs as and when necessary. I do all this with very little thanks, a lot of moans from him about everything and no understanding that I have my own life and 11 grandchildren that I may like to see when we can again. He sees it as a daughters duty and is very grateful if my brother does anything. I frequently get asked to buy a present for my brother/DIL/ or niece and get nothing myself. I even took him to Jersey 2 years ago for a week with no one else because he wanted a holiday.
He is not being mean he genuinely thinks that's what daughters are for.

Very good point NanNan2. I know for certain that if our grown children needed to be cared for, they would certainly look to me and my DH to be there for them. Would it happen the other way around? Definitely not. Where is the equality in that? I get the 'children never asked to be born' argument but isn't it down to love and respect at the end of the day? Both of my grandmother's passed within a week of each other. Both cared for at home by relatives. There is something very comforting about that. Both from the perspective of the grandparent and the family who knew that they had made their end days the best possible.

When someone needs childcare, promises are easily made. I know that my daughter would do everything possible for me, but I've already told her that I don't want her to. I've said I'd be perfectly happy to go into some sort of sheltered housing or a care home as long as she and the grandchildren came to visit. I could never be a burden to her.

My Dil was talking the other day that her brother and family are thinking of moving to Austria, for 3 years, as he has been offered a job. That's not long or very far away I said so don't worry, as you can always pop over anytime for a holiday.
Her replied shocked me. She didn't want to be left looking after her aging parents on her own. Her parents being 74/72 and in good health. DiL parents looked after their two fathers for 30 years, until they passed, both in their late 90s, and I suppose she doesn't want the responsibility or burden.

This made me realise that if we needed help in the future it will be no good expecting my DS and DIL, to offer, not that either of us would ask or expect them too. If we have to be dependent on our children it would be a sad day for everyone.

I would never “expect” help from my children but I know they would always be there to help if needed as I have been for them.

We are in the process of moving nearer to DD and her family. My DH has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and he is also receiving treatment for one type of cancer and has been diagnosed with another. It is easier for us to move than it is to ask her to move here. As she lives two hours away ( on a good travelling day!) getting here in an emergency might prove difficult. We do not expect her to care for us, just to be nearer and able to help out with appointments etc and just be there. DS lives abroad, so he can't help much!Yes, it will be a wrench to leave this house, but will be a load of worry off my mind especially as there is no other family around to help care for DH.

One of the many reasons we moved back to Orkney in 2015 leaving both AC's in Devon was because we did not want them providing us with personal care etc, although it was by no means the only reason. Now, for complex reasons, one of them is living with us. The other is wishing she could move back to Scotland but the father of her son wants to remain near his family in Devon...but who knows what may happen in this unpredictable world?...

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I so agree with you. Well said

We very likely won’t be living close enough for popping in, but in any case I hope I’ll never expect dds to look after me. But (speaking from experience) old people who never were selfish or demanding, can become extremely so as they move into old age.

Dh and I have made it very clear in our Health and Welfare Powers of Attorney that in the case of our becoming both unable to care for ourselves and speak with full mental capacity for ourselves, we do not want dds giving up their lives to look after us. Luckily there should be enough money to pay for care.

I had many years of coping with both a parent and an in-law with dementia, and no way do I want dds to have to go through the sort of worry, stress and exhaustion I did.

In other cultures, even nowadays , looking after parents was the done thing,we looked after them while they grew up!

Things are different now both parents working , kids, etc
In Ireland where my son lives, it is just the done thing.
Families nowadays are more scattered, usually due to work etc. pluses and minuses to giving the familiar up to the unfamiliar,change can be really difficult as we age.

I have a dd 10 mins away and a ds 90 mins away. I would like to think if I was struggling with shopping or appts a little help would be on offer. But no way would I expect either of my dc to provide cleaning or personal care. That’s what care agencies and perhaps care homes are for. DH and I have already downsized to a bungalow to make life easier for us as we grow older. My dd has already advised that should we become infirm as we get older she will put us in a skip behind McDonald’s! I think she was joking......x

Several years ago, a widowed friend of mine moved in her with her daughter's familiar in a similar type of arrangement. My friend sold her home and used all the proceeds to help build a custom home with a MIL suite. Mind you, the house was large and very nice (the daughter and son in law were able to customize to their preferences), and my friend's contribution was so significant that her daughter and son in law only had a small mortgage. My friend even signed over her part of ownership in the house to her daughter.

My friend spent years caring for her grandchildren full time with short breaks to go visit her two sons. Everything seemed to be going well until last year when my friend started having health troubles and was no longer able to help out with the cooking and cleaning (grandchildren no longer need minding). At that point, her daughter wanted to put her in a home. It wasn't that my friend could no longer care for herself; it was that she could no longer do the things her daughter didn't want to do. I understand that caring is very hard; I've cared for many of my family members through the years, but I felt this daughter was in the wrong. She basically used her mom as a childminder, maid, and housekeeper for years, and now that her mom needs help, she's trying to offload her in a home.

My friend is now very hurt and trying to figure out what to do. She doesn't have any money because she sold the only asset she had when her husband died and gave it all to the daughter. Her sons are not in situations where they can take her and both sons feel that the daughter needs to pony up since she is the one who benefitted all these years.

Ugh, it all just seems so sad to me.

Well I left lucrative employment in order to relocate in the North to be near my son & DIL for their child to be born. So massive personal disruption but I was happy that I was going to be around to help look after the baby. I have had immense emotional and financial loss because some years down the line...my services have been dispensed with. Think twice before you make life-changing decisions.

I regularly took care of my grand children.
But since March 2020 when I started shielding as I am very vulnerable, my daughter has phoned me twice and my son 4 times. They only respond to me if i text them. I am breaking my heart. This lockdown is so hard when I cannot see family or friends. My neighbour however is phoned daily by her daughters, they do shopping and errands for her, and she is now in a bubble with one. I think it depends on your family if you get support. My Mum before she died said if it wasn't for me and her church, should would have been completely alone. She never saw her grand children! The only family member who keeps in touch is one grand child. I do not want their personal care, but I would love some attention.

I like your story

Some sad stories on here, I think we should all think hard about giving up homes, lives etc to help our families. For some it works out well but for many people they are left high and dry when their help is no longer needed.
We need to have a conversation with our adult children about future care should it become necessary to avoid mismatched expectations.

This is the exact position I am in now.

I moved 400 miles at the start of December to live near my elder daughter. I did it because I have had a few health problems over the past few years and she has been absolutely fantastic in helping me, even from so far away as I was then.

I haven't felt safe for several years, living alone and struggling financially in a house I could no longer manage as I would like to have been able to. My younger daughter was only 6 miles down the road but had become consumed with veganism, conspiracy theories and a growing dislike of the way I raised her ( she was only 6 months old when I became a lone parent)

I certainly wouldn't expect my daughter to carry out personal care, although, when I broke a vertebra and was having real difficulty she bought me a gadget you could use to wipe your tail end !!

I think i just needed to feel that I had family support. I have a wonderfully kind son in law whose mother died when he was a toddler. He regards me as his mum in some ways.

I thought about the move long and hard before I made it. I had a list of pros and cons and also my chart that says Where am I now, where do I want to be, what stands in my way and what can I do about it. Don't do it if you think it wouldn't suit you. It's early days for me, but I am content that I made the right decision.

I chose to have children and don't want them to look after me.
I have helped with childcare and money but expect nothing back.
I have saved over the years so that I can hopefully afford care if needed. I know how caring and attentive my children were when I had cancer so I know they will help with checking out care for me but that is all I want from them. I hope they will carry on keeping in contact with me in the future as they do now.

It’s sad that there are now so few District Nurses and Home Helps. With their support many elderly people managed to keep their independence in the past. The Governmnet should realise that it’s false economy to cut back these services so drastically. It results in beds being blocked by people who could be sent home, if the support was there.
I agree with most of you that I wouldn’t want my family to give me personal care. I’m hoping to just drop in my tracks one day, maybe while being chased by a jealous wife! ?
I nursed my MIL for six months when she was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I was expecting her first grandchild at the time, and was reaching the point where I could no longer cope when she slipped away peacefully. I was glad to be there for her, but couldn’t have managed to do it on a long-term basis.