How much support to expect from children

I am living with my daughter and her partner after the death of my husband of forty years. We are renting a large house which gives me my own space. They have both been amazingly supportive and often tell me how much they love having me with them. I feel so blessed.

When I moved because of my husband’s job, my parents moved very nearby within a year. All was fine at first and we each had each other’s house keys for emergency purposes. Then my father just took to letting himself in to our hone whenever he felt like it, and without knocking first.We had to stop that.
Then, when my father had a stroke my mother had very little help from social services etc, because she told everybody that I lived nearby and could do everything for them.
When my father died, the onus was still on me to look after my mother.
I would never expect my daughter to look after me in this way.

I know of some people who moved to be near their family and then a few years later thefamilymoved away.☹️☹️

Our son has brought up a few times that husband and I should buy over his way. About 45 mins from where we are . We laugh and say no (he grumps a bit )
We have our doctor and chemist here who know us
We have our little shops across the road.
The public transport is excellent and twenty footsteps away from our door.
My family has a predilection to dementia. After watching my grandmother and my mother both very fit and able to almost their last days , swear and fight and abuse everyone. I will not inflict that on family.
I really hope mine is one I pass in my sleep and that is that.
My son , husband are quite aware the moment I ....am like my mother , I am to go to a home.
I would love to live closer to my son and his family but...he doesn't need me to and isn't practical. I definitely wouldn't move closer for caring for me

As others have mentioned it was different years ago when families did not move far away and most women stayed at home once they were married. DH and I no longer have parents alive and are in the fortunate position of being healthy enough and have enough pension to enjoy our retirement. I would hope our children will be able to do the same.
I was 33 when I had my first child. If I, hopefully, live to be 90 they will probably still be working full time. I know they would be there for us if we needed help but there is no way I would want either of my children to do any personal care.
If either of us needed it we would either pay for a career to come to our home or move to a care home.

I as a son didn’t get told when growing up that when I got to retirement age that my time wasn’t mine to enjoy with my partner but to be spent with grandchildren and my elderly mother. When did this become a thing?

My late MiL was extremely demanding and no one dared to suggest she should move to be nearer her 5 children so they didn't have to take weeks off work or leave behind other responsibilites to look after her. Although I am myself 76 I offered to have her for six months, at the same time caring for another member of the family. There were numerous fall outs among the children and it was all together a horrendous time. Her daughters said they would speak to her about assisted living but none of them dated to raise the subject. I care for my special needs grandson on a regular basis but I don't expect me daughter to care for me in the future - who knows what her situation might be by that time. Maybe assisted living when the time fomes.

I am 97 and my only son is 72. I have always lived many miles away from him. Have always been independent and have been widowed for thirty four years.
The last place I would want to,be is a care home especially after a week in one for rehabilitation after being in hospital.
I employ a woman for an hour each day for housework and tasks i cannot manage myself but no personal care

Bijou This sounds to be a very workable solution - I was thinkIng the same - to get paid help with the things I might eventually no longer be able to do.

I looked after my grandfather who had dementia when my mother and her sister would not. My mother had kept telling him he could move in to her self-contained apartment at the huge house he had let her have at a very heavily discounted price. I lived in a smaller house with my working husband, youngest child, second born and second born stepson, all of vastly different ages. My son was in the middle of his GCSE's and my youngest was a toddler so they couldn't share bedrooms. Within a very short time we found our whole life disrupted in living space and it didn't take long for us to realise he had dementia so we had to make adaptions to stop him from escaping, defecating on the furniture, etc.
The first time my mother was dismissive about how tired we all were as I was talking to a friend, I made up my mind that I would never do the same for her. Any respite help I asked for was given reluctantly and with little care so in the end I had to find other ways. She now tells people I "stole" him from her even though she wouldn't take a turn sitting with him as he was dying. My anger when he died knew no bounds when she took over his funeral arrangements and his considerable estate with as much gusto as she could.
The trouble is, now she has dementia, I find I am doing all her arranging care, her admin, etc. I can't face the thought of putting her in a home but one day it will have to come. With all the help I give my adult children, I'm not sure I have the energy to take Mum on and I still have to do all the things I'd like to do.
I don't want my children to care for me (just as well really!) but I do want them to care about me. I hope I will be less obstructive than my mother is with her care but she considers it her right to have her children care for her. She has constantly berated me for not insisting that I ask for help from my children as she feels there is no point having them if you can't rely on them. It is a view I cannot get my head around.

Joet I'm sorry to read of your step daughter's illness. The kindess and care you have received from both her and her son must reflect what a good step father you have been and are.

My youngest son is disabled and lives with us, he acts as my IT support. That's as much as I'd ever expect from either of my children, and even that I could buy in if they didn't have time. They have their own lives to live. My mother moved us in with my grandmother to give her care as she got older, it wasn't the greatest for their relationship, don't want that.

The boot is on the other foot here! Both our ACs moved/settled near to us so we could help with childcare. They contact us often and I'm sure when the time comes they will reciprocate as much as they can. There are limits to what I would expect though.

I am currently a carer for one parent; the other in a residential home with Alzheimer’s. My eldest son is emigrating to Australia. Middle son will always live in London. My youngest, a daughter lives locally. I intend to live fairly close to my daughter on the basis that she can visit me. I don’t want to go into a home. If I get Alzheimer’s I will want a live in carer. I do not expect my children to care for me.

I don't expect or indeed, even want any support from my 2 adult children! As far as I am concerned, they have their own lives to live and I have no intention of being a burden to them by asking for their help! Childcare does not enter into the equation! I didn't have any family support or childcare when my children were small, as my mother was very ill and then terminally ill, so she was unable to even babysit! ? My husband's mum was a lot older than my mum and in the early stages of dementia, so that wasn't an option either!?. The kids saw both grandmas very frequently, but neither one provided childcare! We paid for childcare, but we were fortunate that we could afford to do so, as I was a Senior Nurse before I had my children, and therefore on a very good salary! These days, I have quite a few healthcare issues, so I would not feel safe taking care of a small child, and its doubtful if I would even be able to! ?
It's all very well to provide childcare for your adult children, with the expectation that when the time comes, and you need care, they are going to be on hand to provide it!
However, family circumstances can change in the blink of an eye! Far better to make your own arrangements for care and support should you require it at some later stage! ?
I am aware that not everyone will share my viewpoint, especially people who have a large extended family! However, I don't have that luxury, being the only child of 2 only children! I learned to be independent at a very young age, and it stood me in good stead, as both my parents died when they were younger than I am now! I am nearly 64, seldom have to ask anyone for help or support, and it will continue that way for as long as I am able! I helped my own mum a lot after my dad died, just age 54, but it was my choice to do it, my mum was very proud and independent and never expected anything from me! However, I had a very good relationship with her, as did my husband, and we were always close! My daughter lives over 50 miles away from me and we have never been close! My son and I have always been close, but he is a professional musician who has travelled all over the world, so he might not be there when I would need his support! I wouldn't have it any other way! ?

I helped to care for my mother during her last few years. I was happy to do it, as I lived nearby and diIIn't have a job. What she really wanted was my company as she had moved to be closer to me, and didn't have many friends. She did the same for her own mother, despite working and having me to look after. I have a daughter and two sons, but don't expect this level of care from them when the time comes. I hope they will visit me, but am in the fortunate position of being able to afford care.

Who can tell what will happen in the future?
Do you really think that you need to write a list of what your AC will do if you become incapacitated like it's a contract ?
Sorry, it just seems a weird arrangement to me "if you move here and look after the kids, when you are ill/gaga/incapacitated , we will do X Y Z"
To me, you should not really expect family to care for you. Days gone by , it didn't need to be said and there was an expectation that a near relative would step in if needed but this really no longer applies due to many people's job expectations.

I do not understand this strange (to me) concept of chasing your children round the country. Maybe because all of my family are, and always have been, fiercely independent. My children's reaction to caring in later life? "That's what nursing homes are there for" !

When my mother had cancer I moved into hers to care for her until she died which was about 3 months.
My adult dc live a few hundred miles away from me so I don't think they will be in a position to care when that time comes.

NONE ....my only daughter hasn't spoken to me for 14 years (NO idea why .....no argument, nothing ....just one day did not answer a text message about when she was coming out to see us for her holiday (I paid her fare, picked her up from the airport, entertained whichever friend she bought with her ...it was lovely !) then suddenly she texted me to say she was coming out on holiday and bringing the latest boyfriend, who had two small children ..fine, I said ...just let me know the date so I can arrange to pick you all up and get a room ready for the children ...............then nothing ............nothing at all. I have now found she is married (not to that boyfriend) and has at least one child .....I have sent cards, flowers and messages (found her on the internet !) but no response. She DID tell me once, when she was about 15 that 'I am not going to look after you when you are old ....I will put you in a home' ....my response ? That's good.. I just hope you can afford it ......really odd, but its her life and I hope she is happy ! I DID offer a home in my old house in the UK for my dad ....the house was big enough for him to have his own lounge, en suite bedroom and enjoy the big garden....pub in the village square, men's fellowship at Church, bus into the town .....he came to stay for three months to 'try it out'.......decided after two weeks he wanted to go home as 'your daughter talks too much' (she was 2 at the time !') ...and then I was criticised for not looking after him by a friend of his ..............what more can you do, other than offer ? I visited when I could (with a full time job, a small child and (then) a husband ....my dad lived around 100 miles away, but that was ok ...I would take my daughter with me, and always stop at the park and the Little Chef en route, take him out to lunch, and shopping ......I was very sad that he didn't want to live with us, but what can you do ? In my case, I shall manage as long as I can, then I'm off to Dignitas . What also makes me sad is that I cannot legally leave anything to my grandson, who I shall never know, because my solicitor tells me without knowing his name, age and date of birth I can't do so. At the moment, she has instructions not to inform my daughter when I die, she says she could contest the Will ...ok, let her find me first and make contact. IF she does then my Solicitor also has instructions for her legacy. Families !

I made a vow 'in sickness and health' and don't see what is wrong with caring for my husband, although I would hope that I would get help too.

I moved away after I'd got married and came home due to my now ex husband's job. I cared for my parents, my sisters just left it to me, they just didn't care at all. I also had my mother-in-law, an elderly uncle who's wife had died and they had no children and spinster aunt to look after too. I was exhausted and they were constantly on the phone with hospital appointments, bills needing paid, dentists, etc. Caring for my parents was not expected, I wanted to do it, but all the others I felt it wasn't really up to me, but they just expected it, plus I'd the car to take them everywhere they needed to go. My uncle ended up in a care home paying £1600 a month as they made him sell his house to pay for his care, but yet trips to docs, hospital, etc, I had to still take him, the home said it wasn't up to them, but what would of happened if he had nobody. Now there is just my sis and I left, we will just have to hope we can care for ourselves as I dread the day it will take carers having to see to me or worse just left sitting in a care home as I have always been very independent. If I had of had children I wouldn't of taken it for granted that they would have to care for me.

I would hate my children to be my carers. I cared for my mum who had dementia and though I don't regret it it was hard for both of us. I am lucky in that finance isn't a problem and we have room for a carer to move in if it ever becomes necessary. But I do hope my children will still visit!

When my husband's job took him up to the Midlands we had to move, and as my mother had severe depression, we suggested they move near us so that we could give some support. In actual fact it turned out that my father gave us far more support, in collecting the children from school, which he loved. Then DH was told we had to move back down south or he would lose any prospect of promotion. We fought very hard, but the Civil Service were adamant, and we had to go. Despite having settled in well in the Midlands, we asked my parents whether they wanted to move again, and they did, into sheltered accommodation close to our new house. Again my father helped out with child care despite my mother now having early Parkinsons and dementia as well as the depression. I believe this was brought on by the frequent ECTs she had to try and give her some quality of life. As their lives drew to a close I was able to help to some extent, but had four children, a full time job and was working on a masters degree. I do feel guilty that we didn't help out more.

Well I certainly wouldn't be going along with the childcare in exchange for a promise of support in old age.
I expected nothing for looking after my mum I thought nothing of it because I loved her. I wouldn't want my children to be my carers, but some support would be nice, but my children are there for me anyway.