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Grandparenting

DH says no to caring for grandchild

(47 Posts)
Babushka63 Sat 27-Mar-21 08:37:04

Just wondering if anyone else has had this issue?

My dh is saying there is no way he wants me to care for our first grandchild 1/2 days a week.

He has said this for years, but I know it is for purely selfish reasons. He works most days, I have been a sahm for all four children who are now adults. He says we have done our "stint" of raising kids, albeit he was never a hands on dad so it was left to me for all the day to day stuff.

I would love to help my dd with childcare.

Has anyone else been in this situation?

Many thanks all

keepingquiet Sat 27-Mar-21 08:41:51

For one half day? Does he fear it may become more? If he isn't even there for that one half day I don't get it, unless he's frightened if the child comes to you it will trash the house?

If you are going to the child's home then I don't see the problem. You are not a prisoner.

Carenza123 Sat 27-Mar-21 08:44:50

I see no harm in offering to help with childcare if you are willing and able. DH does sound a bit selfish to me. It is up to you but it is rewarding helping your family.

Andipandy Sat 27-Mar-21 08:52:42

Things have changed. Whereas it was ok and socially acceptable to be a sahm for the previous generation, young women of today are under increased pressure to earn a living, have their own pensions and not solely rely on a husband. The coming generations will have to work a lot harder to achieve a halfway decent living standard for their old age than our generation. So yes, I do not have grandkids yet, but I would definitely see it as my duty to help my kids. My grandkids will also be my “blood”, and it’s not only work, but kids are a lot of joy and keep you young. I would be honoured to be asked to look after my grandkids and have a special relationship with them.

Galaxy Sat 27-Mar-21 08:54:40

He absolutely has the right to say he wont help with looking after a grandchild, he has no right to say you cant look after a grandchild.

Maggiemaybe Sat 27-Mar-21 08:55:57

I think your husband has a bit too much to say about how you spend your time, Babushka. He’s out working, so surely it wouldn’t affect him anyway if you spent a couple of days with your grand.

It sounds as if you really want to do it, so do it. smile I’ve spent a day or two a week looking after each of mine as the chance arose and have absolutely loved it.

Maggiemaybe Sat 27-Mar-21 08:56:42

grandchild, not grand!

Baggs Sat 27-Mar-21 08:59:51

Do what you want to do, babushka. What your husband wants (or rather doesn't want) is not irrelevant but it's not the most important thing. The choice is yours whether to take on the responsibility of this new job.

grandmajet Sat 27-Mar-21 09:00:59

If he is working why does it concern him how you choose to spend your days? If you want to help with a grandchild of course you should, the baby days are quickly gone, as they were with your own children. Enjoy them while you can.

MerylStreep Sat 27-Mar-21 09:01:55

He will probably be at work so what does it matter.

Witzend Sat 27-Mar-21 09:02:26

Can you go to the Gdcs’ house on your own?
That way he doesn’t need to be involved.
I’d just tell him - as calmly as possible. He really doesn’t have the right to dictate to you like this.

eazybee Sat 27-Mar-21 09:09:46

This is your decision, not his, whether it is half a day or one to two days a week. It is your time as well as your home, and he is clearly not expected to help out.
If you want to do it, do it.

Polarbear2 Sat 27-Mar-21 09:15:47

Is the grandchild here yet? My ex husband was adamant he would never look after GC. Now they’re here he dotes on them. My new OH does too. I think they love the unconditional love that comes from GC. They don’t get judged or told they need to do x or y. They just get big hugs. It melts them in my experience. He’s probably worried you’ll not give him the attention he likes. Men are babies really.

rosie1959 Sat 27-Mar-21 09:17:42

I look after my granddaughter one day a week my husband would not dream of telling me not to do it He is working anyway and as our office is attached to the house he gets to see her too
He knows he would get short shift from me anyway if he tried to tell me what I can or cannot do

honeyrose Sat 27-Mar-21 09:26:46

That does sound rather selfish of your DH. I would look after my GC in a flash (and I do - I have twin GDs aged 3). It’s such a special, precious time and childhood is so short. I regard it as an absolute honour to be able to look after them. You may feel resentful if you don’t do this and your DH shouldn’t dictate how you spend your time, especially when he’s out working.

Peasblossom Sat 27-Mar-21 09:58:45

Just tell him that’s what you’re doing. You don’t need his permission.

I’d do the childcare at their house though, and save mine for special visits with Granny and Granpa 🙂

Ilovecheese Sat 27-Mar-21 10:24:44

As others have said, this is your decision, not your husband's. However, it is a decision not a duty, only do it if you want to. There are plenty of us in our generation who went out to work and paid for our own childcare. Today's mothers do not have a right to demand childcare from their own mothers.

timetogo2016 Sat 27-Mar-21 10:30:28

I wouldn`t stand being told what to do by anyone.
Your Gc is precious and time with her would be wonderful
I used to have my g/children every wednesday and we all had great fun,sadly they are too old to need looking after.
So Babushke63,make the most of it and stand your ground.

JaneJudge Sat 27-Mar-21 10:34:20

Galaxy

He absolutely has the right to say he wont help with looking after a grandchild, he has no right to say you cant look after a grandchild.

This!

vegansrock Sat 27-Mar-21 12:47:28

Is he always this controlling?

Grandmabatty Sat 27-Mar-21 13:29:54

While I absolutely agree that he has no right to stop you providing child care for your grandchild, is he concerned it might be too much for you? I watch my dgs two days a week and it is very tiring.

Rosalyn69 Sat 27-Mar-21 14:08:59

I think your DH is right. I don’t have grandchildren but I wouldn’t take on caring for them. When our son was little we didn’t have family nearby and my husband worked away from home a lot so I had to make my own proper childcare arrangements.

silverlining48 Sat 27-Mar-21 14:29:24

It’s up to you of course, but you have other children, and one or two of those may also expect/request help at some point ( if they don’t live too far).
Personally I think starting with two days a week is a commitment,. It’s easier and much less problematic to increase from one to two days later than to reduce from two days to one.
Congratulations by the way. We have done this nice a week for 10 years and certainly notice our reduced energy levels now, but it has ( mostly) been a joy.

silverlining48 Sat 27-Mar-21 14:30:16

Nice a week ....Once a week....

sodapop Sat 27-Mar-21 14:40:33

Silverlining is right, don't take on too much with your first grandchild Babushka your other children may need help as well. A compromise of one day seems better and would help your husband get used to the idea.
He may well surprise you when the baby is here. As he is working its not really going to impact on him is it. Congratulations from me too.