Dilemma

1. What’s the matter with your son?
2. Talk with your son and DIL and let them know you are alone and would like to be included occasionally!

Speak up and speak out because it is true that once married often times the MIL gets ignored if the DIL has a good relationship with her family.

Your DIL is jealous of your relationship with your son, make friends with her but don’t cater to her. She needs to respect you.

Once a son is married and has his own family they sometimes have trouble balancing the females. Just speak up !

Can you make a life for yourself, and then you wouldn’t be so desperate for their company. When they realise you have other fish to fry they might be more ready to visit or have you round. Perhaps you come across as too needy.

When the baby is born , of course you will want to visit straight away but wait until you are invited. Surely they will realise the baby has another grandparent, who will want to be in their life.

Don’t make waves otherwise it will be history repeating itself.
Let them come to you.

welbeck I received a lot of very helpful advice when I posted on here some time ago. One posters advice was to seek therapy which I did.

I discovered through therapy that I was frustrated with my own MIL and her control in my life and then felt I was ‘owed’ having the same control in my ds’s and dils life too and was very frustrated when they didn’t play ball as I felt it was my turn for things to go the way I wanted.

I have been learning to listen and process before I comment or react, which is/was really, really hard for me, but I think was partly what caused so me so much grief. I also have been unlearning acting defensively and not taking things personally when they are most probably nothing to do with me.

One thing my therapist said to me which might apply to the OP is that your dil ( also can apply to friends husband anyone not related by blood) was raised by a different set of parents. Her way of showing love might be different to yours. If she finds spending time with you an obligation i.e guilted for not spending enough time with you, your feeling alone and rejected she might avoid spending time with you if her own family feels more enjoyable and pleasurable to her.

Perhaps when she next visits ask ‘what family traditions will you pass on to your new baby?’ And share some of your own too, but without an expectation she will use them with your new gc.

I did the same with my dil and actually found it helpful. Her family is so very different to mine. And I realised in time her quietness was not her not enjoying time with us, but rather her upbringing. Her family are very bookish. They enjoy quality time all relaxing together with a book and quiet. I’ve learnt to love her differences and see her as another child now.

It’s not too late to change the relationship op, take heart

Please excuse if this reads as gobbly gook I’m mildly dyslexic and writing distracted on the train.

I have been learning to listen and process before I comment or react, which is/was really, really hard for me, but I think was partly what caused so me so much grief. I also have been unlearning acting defensively and not taking things personally when they are most probably nothing to do with me.

I think I could benefit from that too Dilly

The key person n this whole sorry situation is your son. He must be so weak if he can’t comfort or welcome his mother. How did it ever come to this?

Fuming for you!!! I have same issue. I childminder 2 days a week otherwise I wouldn’t see my grandsons. It’s something I’ve got used to and I’ve realised I’m forced to think of myself more. It’s all you can do. It bloody hurts tho and they are ignorant selfish people who may grow up one day and realise. The grandkids are their kids and will be brought up the same of course, but hopefully they will keep in touch with their grandma through life, that’s the best you can hope for and anything else is a bonus. Focus on you x

This sounds awful for you and I would be devastated if my son treated me like this. Maybe things will get better when their baby arrives? Could they want you to babysit for them? If not I am afraid I do not think you can change them unless you confront the daughter in law but then you risk the chance of her refusing to see you at all. Maybe you need to try and make more of a life for yourself and not take what they do to heart.

I would suggest just going quiet for a while. Keep your dignity.
Be friendly if they approach you. Always keep a little bit of yourself back. If they don't totally 'know' you they can't totally hurt you. Have no expectations then you cannot be disappointed. Every approach from them will be a bonus.

Lots of good advice given already eg counselling for yourself, honest conversation with your son by himself about your feelings about feeling lonely and forgotten etc. What I’d also do though - and this obviously may take some manoeuvring but you’re playing a long game here - is quietly become best mates with key family members of my DIL’s family. Bit Machiavellian I know but inserting yourself into your DIL’s extended family will get you naturally included and also give you allies should you need them. Be delightful to everyone and always positive and they’ll wonder why your DIL has been keeping you at arm’s length. Good luck!

Juliet27

^I have been learning to listen and process before I comment or react, which is/was really, really hard for me, but I think was partly what caused so me so much grief. I also have been unlearning acting defensively and not taking things personally when they are most probably nothing to do with me.^

I think I could benefit from that too Dilly

I think we all do it to a certain extent maybe it is something to do with being a Mum (or a woman) and this expectation that we have to please everyone and we are somehow responsible for our family's happiness. I know it's a sexist notion but it is so instilled by our families - well mine anyway- and society. There have been so many times where I have sacrificed my own needs for my children, partner and wider family and then if met with any critique it feels somehow personal.

Sorry Nonna, it's no wonder you are upset but I think what Dill has posted regarding therapy is really important and could be really helpful to you. Any of us on here would be upset (and angry!) if they took round food and it was cooked for someone else!

You HAVE to assert yourself otherwise for the rest of your life all you will have is the thumbnail scrapings of time and affection that another, frankly odd, woman determines. Assertion is calm and quiet and insistent and you may well need professional help to acquire it but don't give up hope. You deserve kindness and thoughtfulness and respect and at present are getting none from the tribe your son has joined - nor will you ever if you do not act. I am sorry that your son has proved so spineless when he must know that he is all you have. If you can show assertion perhaps so can he.

Remember that others treat you the way you treat yourself. I have a family member who plays the martyr role without realising it. She thinks people should recognise how she feels by the 'sacrifices' she has made, but she actually comes across as a doormat, with no life of her own, who rarely socialises unless she thinks she is 'needed'. I am not saying that this is you, but how you see yourself is not necessarily how others see you. I agree that therapy might help you, but also urge you to build a better life for yourself. You sound lovely and deserve so much more. Good luck!

Another for Lolo, but I don’t think he should have asked his wife about the hug.
He probably enjoys being part of a big family after being an only child and sons don’t tend to visit their mothers as much as daughters he probably thinks he’s doing his bit with the phone call/text
I think when Covid is over you should broaden you hobbies/activities, so that they are not your main focus
I feel for you ?

You have my sympathy Nonna1day , you have been badly treated and your son does seem to be under his wife's thumb. However, your DIL holds all the cards, upset her or criticise her and she could easily stop you seeing the baby. I think you'll have to accept from the start that the other family will come first and I think you need to tread carefully. Let your son know how much you are looking forward to being a granny and how you hope to see the baby on a regular basis but you can't force your DIL to change, no matter what you say or do. All good wishes for the future.

I really do feel for you as I have been through he same thing with not seeing one of my sons for 10 years and he is now living with us due to his wife kicking our and keeping their 2 children away from him as much as possible. We met them for the 1st time 6 months ago and now they come to our house 3 out of 4 Sundays.
My youngest sons is now doing the same to me. They were due to get married this month but have postponed it for a year. I last saw them 8/12 as it was his birthday and they told me they were expecting a baby, I was delighted and really excited as I expected to see this child and see it grow up as my other 2 grandchild live 250 miles away and mother does not bother to send us photos or anything.
Well, I have now been told that she is now in the position to tell me what she thinks of me and she does not want anything to do with us. She also is close to her parents, who are buying a house in the next road to them so they will be around all the time. This is the son I was closest to and he also had now abandoned us. We gave our son the deposit for the flat he bought before he met her and they now have bought a house together and wanted us to give them a lot of money toward it but we said no that her parents could help as they are both working and have a lot more money than we do but they refused.
I have never done anything wrong, have kept my mouth shut and have never interfered but it has made no difference. I have now hardened my heart against the hurt. I cried for years but it got me nowhere so I got some anti-depressents from the doctor, started doing voluntary work and have made it clear that they will not get another penny from us and nothing when we die.
I would let your son come to you and then tell him how you feel.
I am going to write letters to my 3 sons, to be given on my death, and tell them exactly how they have treated me and how it made me feel.

soosiewoosie
Sounds American ???? That's rich. Be assured you don't need to go far finding yourself in the clutches of control freaks.
They find you.

Dilly, that is a lovely story of successfully turning things around so everyone is happy. Well done.

My MIL's interference has had the opposite effect on me. I'm extra careful about not interfering because I know how destructive and inappropriate it is.

I do hope the OP can have the same success as you had with working things out.

Be careful about taking advice to confront the DIL or assert yourself. It might have the opposite effect you are hoping for.

I am so sorry you are in this situation. Could you write your son a letter (or email?) Explain the way you feel, without directly blaming DIL. Don't say it's her fault, just that you love them and are feeling very left out and that, especially now there will be a grandchild, you would love to be involved more in all their lives. It might make him think. If it doesn't work or there is no proper response, then I think you will just have to accept that, for whatever reason, they are very uncaring and try to make more of your own life now. Very best wishes to you.

I think, as has been suggested, you need to consider counselling. A counsellor can help you find a path that suits your personality. You seem to be in a very unhappy place and seeking support from a professional will no doubt help you. If you speak to your son I would be very cautious about what you say as nobody is comfortable with feeling guilty. Keep it blame free. Perhaps tell him/them you're feeling low and lonely and what do they advise you to do.

I have total empathy for you. My DIL is just like yours. I have bent over backwards for her, given money, time and even let them live rent free in my home to help them save. I dont get invited or included in any family events. I offered to look after grandson free of charge however have now found out that she is paying her mum to look after him. I have on numerous occasions spoken up, however things dont change. Selfish people like your DIL and mine will hopefully reap what they sow. Doesn't make the pain go away though. Hope you find peace x

You come across as a glass half empty person I'm sorry to say. Do you seem/act 'down' whenever you are with your son and dil as they may construe this as you not wanting to be with them. Some people are more whingy than others, it's just in their nature but can be tiring for those who are affected by it. Possibly your dil family are upbeat and their company is enjoyed more than yours is right now. You say your son phones you weekly, do you ever ask how he is or what he's been doing ? I would definitely talk to him about how you feel. As the saying goes ' if you do what you've always done, you get what you've always got'.

Dil holds all the cards here. Paste on a smile, never interfere or criticize. Be unrelentingly nice, tell her what a wonderful mother she is, gifts, cards. I have had a rocky time with one dil over a period of ten years, link with that family never broken though. Keep a polite relationship with son, don't make him be pig in the middle. His loyalty must always be to his wife not you if any issues. Things are beginning to thaw now for me and I always saw the gcs. Apart from anything else, dils are almost always closer to their side of the family than his. Any complaints or rows are guaranteed to worsen the situation.

Dear lady, I feel for you, but I honestly doubt that anything you do or say now will change this relationship.

Neither your son nor your daughter-in-law is taking your feelings into consideration.

I would tell them both, preferably when they are together and face to face, that you very much want to be part of your coming grandchild's life and ask them how they envisage this happening?

If they look at you blankly and ask what you mean, point out politely that they seem to spend a great deal more time with her relations than they ever do with you, and you would very much like this to change. See what they say.

Here comes the part of my advice, that I am afraid you will not like and therfore not consider taking.

Spend less time worrying about your son and his wife. Make new friends, take up various hobbies, if you are retired, get a dog or a cat - do anything in short to give yourself less time to brood over a dysfunctional relationship, which you cannot alter unless the others also want it to alter.

Some of us unfortunately do have children who decide as adults that they do not particularly care for us. This may be what has happened to you.

I am much afraid that you caused a rift when you voiced your original criticism of the woman your son was in love with, or rather her relationship to her mother's family and lack of one to her paternal relations.

If this is the source of the trouble it will be too late to change it now, unless of course these selfish young people decide you will be a useful baby-sitter!

Bluntly speaking, Get a life and let the young people sail their own sea. Doing so, might just work a miracle if they see you as clingy and needy. I am not say you are either, but they may perceive you in that way.f

Your son has basically been the focus of one female ie you and has moved to be the same for his wife. You need to tell you son, on his own, all that you know about being disregarded by him and DiL. He may well take it on board and do something about it eg visit you regularly, go for a meal to catch up and when GC arrives visit with baby or insist you are allowed to visit his home but I doubt the latter will happen. You don't have a relationship with your son and DiL so stating your case will lose you nothing. Heartbreaking Nonnalday. There are givers and takers in life, you know which one you are and which one your son is. I cannot stop imagining you seeing the family indoors eating the food you provided.