Dilemma

I can fully understand why you chose not to remarry or have any other relationships that left just you and your son.
Sadly, you can't blame everything on your DiL or her family, but when you have isolated yourself as you have (probably not really meaning to at the time), it becomes so easy to be on the outside looking in.
Your son may believe that you actually prefer to be on your own as that is the way he knows you, as painful as it is.
I don't understand why you left when your DiL said she was going to start cooking the food that you had provided - could you not have offered to help and indicate that you were staying ? Maybe you have never given them a reason to think that you want to be involved in the whole family thing ?
It is all in your hands - time to get off your bottom and make a life for yourself, with or without your son, starting with sitting him down, preferably with Dil present and tell him just how you feel and maybe even ask her to help you. Assuming or waiting for people to make the first move just ain't gonna happen if they see you as standoffish. Get some counselling to help to build up your confidence.
You can do it!

I am sorry you are hurting so much. I have recommended this before but do suggest you get a book called A Woman in Your Own Right by Anne Dixon. Its in paper back and has been in print for decades as it is so relevant to so many women. Its about learning to be assertive (not the same as aggressive, of course) and speak up for ourselves. Its not about always getting what we want - life isn't like that - but feeling ok about the way we managed ourselves and what we said. However, it does increase the chances of getting what you would like.

I’d keep quiet. You can cause a lot of heartache for yourself by reacting or by being assertive (which is NEVER seen as assertive by those close to you; just bossy and demanding). Don’t buy groceries for your son. Look after yourself and be kind to yourself. Just cool down. Be more lighthearted. Make a sarky comment now and again; a jest with a jag. They’ll come round (when they need something). Rotten sods. Congratulations on becoming a nana! X

Nonna1day

Something similar for me too. It has been heartbreaking over the years until they had my gd and because of Covid and technology, I get a facetime call every week and get to speak to my son and gd. The Dil is never there. I cannot say for sure but I put it down to jealously because we had a great bond and talked about everything. We were a one parent family.

Since retirement I joined the u3a learnt a new hobby and as much as I love my sons I could not carry on feeling so depressed about the situation and yes like you crying about it.

If I were you I would start to find a new hobby. There is an assocition called Meet Ups and see if there is one in your area also Rambling groups and as mentioned u3a. I know because of Covid we cant meet up but after next week with things starting to open up it will give you something to look forward to and something else to think about. Small steps at a time.

I have come to the conclusion we only have our children for a short time and we have taught them to be independent, as long as they are happy thats as much as we can ask.

Looking towards the future make yourself happy first!

Is it impossible to ask your daughter in law out loud why she sets different rules for her family and for you?

When you are so low it is very hard to read what some people have written here. You’ve come here for help and support not to have people ‘tell it how it is’ in such a straightforward manner. I really understand that.

So please accept my sympathy and understanding. My relationship with my DIL is not dissimilar. I have had to accept that I am ‘other’ and not part of the flow. In my case, my DIL is very independent and can ‘handle everything’ and I have to step aside even though I know I can help and want to spend lots of time with the grandchildren.

I am, luckily, not alone because my husband supports me and listens to me as I experience the hurt and pain. Your job now is to make life work for you. It’s my job too. We have to go out there, join some post lockdown clubs and societies and attend events that interests us. Just look for local talks and concerts, you could do crafts, learn French, whatever takes your fancy.

Then friendships will start up and one day your son and his wife will ask you for lunch and you can say ‘I’m sorry I’m out with the ladies.’

Take it slowly and you will become strong again and, in time, you’ll feel better about your relationship with your son. The grandchild will love you to bits, even if it’s for short periods of time, because there is no one quite like your Gran.

This won’t take the pain way today but, by planning tomorrow, there is a way out.

They, as a couple, are not allowed to bubble with another couple, only a single person.

Another vote for lolo.
You made the rod for your own back unfortunately, you made your son your whole world so of course feel bereft now and , even unintentionally, probably this came across to his wife

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhiteRabbit: my DIL is very independent and can ‘handle everything’

That is me to a T as well. It comes from having to be self sufficient and look after myself from very young. I'm always the first to help others though and I am learning to ask for help more as I get older. It's very hard for me to do that though. In my MIL, I'd have welcomed a friend more than a helper.

So sorry to hear this. I can relate somewhat. You sound like the type of person who always does the right thing. You should be proud of that. This doesn't stop you from being hurt, of course, even, or especially, when you see these other people doing the wrong thing. I'm glad your son hugged you in the end, but asking permission is really bizarre. Was this to do with Covid rules? I think you should maintain a good relationship with him and with your dil as best you can, and I hope in time they will value you and all your efforts more. They sound immature too. Do look forward to your grandchild and be excited for them as well as yourself. You must not miss put on this! As you live so near I'd be extremely surprised if you're not called on to help. The only disadvantage is you could be 'used' too much, but then you would probably go along with this for the sake of maintaining relationships all round. Also, you never know what the future holds, good or bad, and you may need to step in. I agree you should pursue your own interests and friendships outside of all this to keep you grounded. Don't give up hope!

You have brought up a lovely happy son, you cared for parents and now this is tearing you apart. I think now is the time to be thinking of yourself for once. You need to get out (after lockdown) and join some clubs. You cannot do anything here but inflame the situation and make it worse. You have done everything you can and it hasn't worked. I think if you ignore it and get a life of your own your son will gradually see over time that she has alienated him. Unfortunately he has to see this situation himself, it isn't any good you running her and her family down after all he was at the table eating your food as well. You may not have a relationship with this grandchild whatever you do so take my advice....life is short, live your own life, you have done your bit. Try contacting U3A who have lots of things you could do. Maybe you have always wanted to draw, or speak a language or just meet others. Get your life together and the rest will sort itself out.

I'd have knocked VERY loudly on their door when i picked up the glasses- and demanded to know why they were all INSIDE sharing the food I had brought, if they weren't 'allowed to' because of covid- and more so I'd have swept in and insisted i stay too now I'm here! If they didn't like it-it'd be tough, she could hardly deny they're having No One over, inside , could she?Also, as YOU had brought the food its NOT considered, 'no food exchanging hands' if you took them it, is it?! I think most of all your son needs to grow a backbone, and tell her and her family where to get off- but if he can't, maybe years alone with just you has 'softened him'- I'm sorry if all that's rough to hear, but otherwise, if you don't stand up to them you may have to wash your hands of a 'relationship' with your son at all, as this family sound very ' cliquey' and a bit crazy to be honest.??

Unfortunately it is universally believed that the mother of the mother is the number one grandma and the mother of the father is the number two grandma.

It’s very difficult situation & unless you have experienced it, or something like it, you probably don’t know how much it hurts.
There can be DILs who isolate their husbands & grandkids, you can’t do much to change that.
And talking to therapist is good advice.
I’ve done all of the above & while my situation has improved I’ve had to accept that the relationship with my DIL is not going to be close.
Your situation does sound extreme.
Please be kind to yourself.
And yes, if Dilly has any strategies I’d be interested in that too.

JenJen- i don't think they have 'bubbles- OP said 'mom' so i assume their in USA or even Canada?? (& like all their kinsmen are seemingly acting like theres no pandemic so carrying on life as normal, visiting etc.?)

I too have similiar problems but although could have been as bad are not quite because I’ve bitten my tongue He’s kept to rules althrough covid
Except for breaking rules about seeing my DIL family or like last weekend went to her brothers and had 10 people there but I’ve found he won’t let me question his actions without getting angry and threatening we wouldn’t see our grandson We did get to point last may when he nearly fell out with us all together Since then even though his wife is very rude to us we have to ignor itHard but necessary

Not always so Annanan- i am my GC's 'favourite' nan/grandma even for my eldest sons kids- and equally same for 2 of my dd's kids- its how you are with the kids that counts, and your own personality!?

Nonna1day, I am so sad for you. This sounds so hurtful.

I don’t agree with people who have said you have nothing to lose by complaining. You could lose all contact and not see your grandchild at all, which would be even worse. (There are threads on Gransnet about this happening to people.) I would tread very carefully. Don’t put your son in the position of being torn between the two of you, because she’ll probably win.

IMO his wife does have to come first, but he should consider you and give you attention and affection. But if he doesn’t, no-one can make him. His wife holds all the cards here.

Is it possible you are coming across as needy? If so, it might help to pursue other interests and see other people, and talk about those things. Maybe you already do.

I would try to be positive when you are with them, give praise when you can and don’t give advice unless asked, and keep things light. Maybe let them come to you more.

I really hope things improve for you. I know how I would feel if my son did this.

Why not write down how you feel
And what you are would like to change and post it in a card to your son? Don’t be ‘woe is me’ be upbeat and say you’d like to be involved.

This brought me to tears ! I’m sorry what a horribly selfish pair they are, and so rude too.

Take a step back just for a moment, give them some space and time and make some well deserved time for yourself, try and find a new hobby and interests and when the dust has settled and lockdown finally lifted invite them both over for a lovely home cooked meal and actually explain to them both as calmly and coolly as you can that to feel excluded and that having a grandchild is so exciting for you too and that you’d like to share in their happiness and joy

Be brave, bold and assertive

Good luck x

DILLY THE GARDNER - great advice sometimes when we are in a state of upset with relationships and the norms of behavior is not working no matter how hard we try then an outside professional help can do just that help the situation.

Decide what you actually want here. Then decide what is realistic. Then develop a strategy to get you what you want and modify as you go. You can do this and yes, you can achieve a much better family situation.
If you want the close relationship that you formerly had with your son, frankly it's not realistic. He's an adult now and has another family so you'll have to renegotiate.
Consider your son and his situation and what would make him happier. Do the same for your dil. Then do it for you. Work out strategies. Simple things first. You want to talk to your son on the telephone? Speak to him after a meal, when he's on his own and not when he is busy with dil. Make the call short, and be the one to end it. Make sure he enjoys the call. Happy voice, happy topic, focus on him. If you pick a bad moment (ask) apologise and ask when you could call. No hurt feelings, nothing unhappy or controversial.
Never, Ever Write. No letter, no emails. Without a leaven of facial expression and/or voice expression the written message comes across far too strongly and can be held against you for ever.
You can turn this around and get a good relationship happening. You can never get back what you had, don't try.

Nannan2

JenJen- i don't think they have 'bubbles- OP said 'mom' so i assume their in USA or even Canada?? (& like all their kinsmen are seemingly acting like theres no pandemic so carrying on life as normal, visiting etc.?)

Nonna1day said on 5 April, ‘their bubble is her family. I’m not included!‘

I’m really very sorry for you. However, I think your son isn’t helping the situation and appears to be controlled completely by his wife. He needs to stand up and tell her he will be including you in his family and definitely not ask her permission to hug you that is dreadful. I also think you should stop buying gifts and food for them. You are obviously very kind. Step off the gas and tell them why. I imagine though you are concerned if you do that then they won’t bother with you at all. His wife is controlling
and knows what she is doing obviously not a nice person. Take care and start to think more about yourself