Dilemma

J52

Are you in the UK? If you’re on your own you could be in there family bubble and thus be inside.
I would suggest this to your son.
Situations like this are heartbreaking, but sadly no so rare.

If you’re in the UK, your daughter in law cannot have a bubble with her family, only with someone who lives alone, and that would be you, so unless her parents are separated or one is dead, leaving the other living alone, they absolutely cannot be in a bubble with your son and his wife. Perhaps you could mention this to your son when you meet him. In any case the whole family shouldn’t be inside the house, it’s not allowed except for people in bubbles. When your grandchild is born the the situation will change, but they could still be in a support bubble with you, and a childcare bubble with them.

I’m very sorry about this situation you find yourself in. Sending you but no real advice I’m afraid. I think suzie has given good advice.

Why oh why do the younger generation seem to perceive MIL’s to be ‘against’ them? Insecurity? Jealousy? Judgemental? Or something else? From my experience probably a mixture of reasons. Most aspects of the MIL & DIL relationship is complicated and there are many grey areas. I think the key is to consider each other’s point of view and try and find a middle ground for everyone’s sake. However, it takes two and if one side cannot or will not put the effort in the relationship will suffer. I don’t think you should have a sit down talk with just your son. I think you, your son AND your DIL should all sit down and thrash this out. Because if you don’t, things will never change. Swallow your pride (something you’ll need to practice often as a MIL I’m afraid!) and make the first move. If nothing else, for the sake of your relationship with your unborn grandchild. Wishing you all good wishes. (Let us know how you get on)

Nannan2, May I politely correct you,I live in Ontario Canada and we are in lockdown and most certainly are not visiting inside and not much outside either.

Pennykins: "I am going to write letters to my 3 sons, to be given on my death, and tell them exactly how they have treated me and how it made me feel."

Oh my god, Pennykins, please please please don't do that.
You sound resigned to the situation, and I won't comment. But giving them these letters after your death is the worst. It is pure revenge, and does not give them a chance to respond, or even make changes, which might happen if you send them thoose letters now. Fair enough, it might not change anything - but as you sound like you have nothing to lose anyway, I would take that chance.

I have 2 daughters in law - one has no parents as both have died- the other has both parents. I kind of expected that their parents would take precedence over us - as daughters will most likely gravitate towards their own mum when they have children. My three children certainly saw more of my parents than they did of my husbands parents - they lived nearer and often helped out with child care as I was working. However we always took them to see the other Grandparents about once a month. It seems very unkind of your son’s family not to include you in their activities - especially as you are on your own. Both my sons live some way away - but I usually get to see them fairly regularly - not however in the pandemic. We try to keep ourselves busy. I still do a bit of private tuition- we are members of U3A and take part in their various activities- my husband plays golf and loves gardening - I go out to pub lunches with a number of friends - not at the moment of course - perhaps try to get involved in some of your own activities- church? U3A? WI? Helping in a charity shop? Offering to take your grandchildren off their hands for an hour or two? How old are they? How many? Get some suitable toys, games, videos, pizzas burgers etc so that they will look forward to that. The pandemic must have contributed to your feeling of isolation- compounded by what seems like unkind actions. Certainly tell your son how sad you feel and cite that example you wrote about. Don’t sound too needy - you have to find your own way out and please do join something - seeing And chatting to other people your own age will help to put it in perspective- Good luck - let us know how it goes. ??

Dilly's advice sounds really sensible. I'm very sorry for the situation you're in and don't think this is all about the baby. Obviously your thoughts must go round and round in your head if you have no-one to share with and some of the comments here are rather harsh. I think you are going to be upset often unfortunately, as that is your nature, but I'd try to keep being welcoming and saying nothing, except perhaps to emphasise how nice it is to see all of them when you see them. I definitely wouldn't write a letter (can be kept as proof of your problems with them and perhaps shared with wider family) or spend time telling off your son just because he defers to his wife. You can't compete with her family so maybe you could join them when times allow. Try to steel yourself against upset by widening your activities and friends and keep being kind and welcoming to them.

Sorry but I also have to agree with Lolo ....my daughter has not spoken to me for 14 years....NO reason, asked why ...NO reply ...but I found out she is married, has at least one child I found out about ...I send cards, every birthday, Christmas, etc ..NO contact still. She knows where I am ...BUT I don't feel sorry for myself ...just shrug and think well, it;s her life, no doubt she has imagined reasons ...I do know the family she married into is large and looks successful (from online research !) and they live in a big house in a very expensive town ..............one day I plan just to go down there, stay in a hotel, look around and maybe take a taxi just to go past ...just for devliment ...might even see my grandson ! My friends who knew us when she was growing up tell me I was a wonderful mum ...she wanted for nothing ...then Uni, her own car ...even offered to buy a little house for her ...she said 'What do I want a house for ?' I might want to move !!!!! ....so I gave her money instead .....never any arguments or falling out ...I am sometimes intrigued as to why, but I shall die not knowing ....ha ha so I have made my Will which excludes her ...............with instruction to my Solicitor that if she ever contacts me I may re write it ! I do know she once informed me, when she was about 14 that 'I am not going to look after you when you are old ...I shall put you in a home' ...to which I replied Well, Ihope you can afford it ! c'est la vie...life is far far too short to dwell on it ...just let it pass .............

I think I would be having a good cry after reading some of these posts!

They say Mom in some parts of the black country/west midlands btw

What a horrible situation you are in. My heart breaks for you.
I think the idea of going to a counsellor is a really good one. You can vent all your frustrations and maybe get some helpful advice.
Unfortunately this situation is very common, when a couple get together, it seems one family seem to be more in favour than the other.
This happened to me, I made the mistake of talking to my son about how I felt. Although he knew I was right, he had no sympathy for me. And we are now estranged.
At the time I knew that I needed someone to talk to about it, I wish I’d sorted out a counsellor.

This threat brings back so many memories. My eldest DS was in exactly this type of relationship and had a wife and mother in law of the same ilk. Anything I did was twisted and used to make it look like my intentions were to upset them. Buy a gift, it's done to upset them. Pay for meals out
just for them, I supposedly picked the restaurant to embarass her somehow. Call up to ask how the pregnancy was going, I'm harassing her. Don't call to give them space, I don't give a damn about whether or not she miscarried, not that that was ever a concern during the pregnancy.

When they announced her pregnancy, myself and my husband called to congratulate them, as we knew she was looking for any excuse to cut off contact with his family, as she'd made him do with all his friends. Inside we were gutted though as we'd already witnessed the way she treated our son.

Her and her mother did turn him against us and he ceased all contact for over 3 years. Apparently my congratulations weren't quite effusive enough, so I obviously couldn't be part of their child's life, as I didn't earn my place in theirs. That came after we'd furnished the entire nursery, bought the pram, car seat, bouncy chair, sterilisation equipment and a wardrobe full of clothes, everything they'd said they needed. They allowed us to meet our first grandson just once, accepted all the flowers, the box of nappies etc etc, then cut us off completely.

Three years later the relationship was over. As expected she refused to allow our DS to play any part in the child's life thereafter, and actually claimed he was the result of an affair and not our DGS at all.

Sometimes you can't win whatever you do. I've learned that you have to stand up for yourself because becoming a door mat for someone like that really won't get you anywhere.

I am livid beyond words for you. I think you are giving out mixed messages. She sees you as someone who is OK with being treated as a doormat. Well you tell her you re NOT! Tell her you would like to speak with her alone and bring up all the times she has hurt you. She is a bully and bullies need to be stood up to. Tell her you are not prepared to lead the rest of your life being walked over. When this baby comes they will be knocking at your door to babysit. Be strong - they will respect you then.

This worked with my dil. Now is all sweetness and light!

This must be the hardest part of being a single parent. Be glad for your son if he is happy Always put your son before your grandchild. Ask how your son is and tell him you love him before you ask about the baby Never moan about his wife and if He does just listen but don’t judge He will always need you like a child needs his mother, age is not relevant Tell him how proud you are of his achievements (which are yours too ). If people enjoy your food be glad for them Someone told me once that as a paternal MIL even if I could s.... miracles it would never be enough ! How true. Speaking as a single parent of two sons and now with five grandkids and yes it was easy til my sons married but I’m so glad that they are not still on the sofa waiting for their dinner! Expect to emotional as a new grandma That doesn’t mean sad
Keep your little chin up and know you are in for the long haul

Nonna1day, you and your son sound, to me like non confrontational people who would rather keep the peace rather than have it out with DiL.

A suggestion, as there is just you in your side of the family and DiL has a large family, why don’t your try to integrate yourself. Ask son, DiL and, say her parents, over to lunch one day (when you can), and be sweetness and light and full of delight at what fun ‘us grandparents’ are going to have in the future. You may have to do this a few times without reciprocation but it may serve to have you seen as and include within the wider family, rather than as a separate entity.

You don’t have to enjoy it, and may have to bite your lip more than a few times, but it may be a means to be more included in your DGC’s life.

Another vote for lolo

There are two sides to every story and mothers who devote their whole life to their children do tend to struggle to cut the apron strings. Is it possible that the DIL has felt she had to do the cutting in order to allow your son to be an adult in his own right?
I wonder if you could use a counsellor to explore your feelings with the coming of a grandchild. Somebody who is quite neutral and has an understanding of the complexity of family relationships. I saw a counsellor about something completely different but my family came up whilst we were talking. I was quite surprised at some of her comments regarding them but when I reflected, I realised I had been guilty of insisting on the last say with my son, albeit with the best of intentions. Although we didn't have problems, it has helped improve our relationship.
There's an old saying about how you can choose your friends but not your family. Maybe your son feels more comfortable in the room with a lot of people in her family than he does with you on your own. I don't mean that he doesn't like you or love you but maybe there is more of a sociable feeling being in a crowd. I know from my youngest son's experience as being a lone child at home as he is much younger, how much he loves being with a larger group of people; it doesn't reflect on how he feels about us.
I would try to be positive when you are with them, give praise when you can and don’t give advice unless asked, and keep things light.
I think this is very good advice. Putting pressure on your son is only likely to alienate you further.

Just don't leave them any money! Sounds like they'd be expecting it. Very dysfunctional.

At last some common sense. A son is a son until he takes a wife.

I am in a similar position but now have almost no contact with my son or my 3 year old granddaughter. There is another baby due soon but I doubt that I will ever meet him. After my granddaughter was born I drove 35 miles each way once a week (all I was allowed) with 3 main meals for them as well as lunch on the day of my visit. Like Nonnalday, I was never invited to join them, never saw my granddaughter have a bath, go to bed, etc. but at least I saw her. My dil had a difficult birth with a Strep B infection, which was passed to my granddaughter during labour, as well as a severe prolapse. My dil returned to work 6 months later and my son took 2 days a week off work with the baby going to nursery 3 days a week. I am in my very late 70s, not in good health and felt that I would not be able care for her safely - I couldn't even carry her. Also I would have had to drive there and back in the rush hour every day, leaving at 6.30am and not get home until 7.30pm. My son has been unable to forgive me for my refusal to baby sit and whenever I suggested a visit, came up with various excuses. I have not seen my granddaughter since she was 14 months old. When I send birthday/Xmas presents/Easter egg etc I get a 2 line text thanking me - and that's it. My dil is not British so there is no difficulty with her family - my son simply doesn't want me around.
The contact you have with your son, although far from perfect, seems like a distant dream to me Nonnalday. I also think that you should try to sort things out but very calmly. It didn't work for me but I hope with all my heart that it does for you.

Many families have issues with in-laws, but it’s shocking your son allows his wife to behave so disrespectfully towards you. Stand up for yourself and demand respect from them. What have you got to lose? Especially before your DGC arrives, otherwise DGC will also disrespect you and that’s worse than no contact.

A daughter is a daughter all of her life
A son is a son till he takes a wife.

In the animal kingdom the parents look after their young till they can fend for themselves, then the parents send them on their way. I often wonder if us humans would do better following that path

Just as an icebreaker, could you maybe just "happen" to be near your son's work , for a feasible reason, and perhaps ask him out to lunch? Just occasionally, keep things quite light and, hopefully, progress things from there?
Sadly, it may just be that you have to find new things to fill your life but I hope things will improve, at least once life is a little more normal

Only my experience after much faffing and feeling just like you my - own daughter said Mum tell me what you want I’m not a mind reader ask......
So now I do it won’t ever be as it was as my SIL is like your DIL but they’re not mind readers. Do you know her parents ? Have you asked them over ? Million and one things can be done...... to ease this situation.
Maybe they think your a loner / happier by yourself..... just think about what you want and make it happen ❤️

I've never faced this situation, either with my in-laws or with my DIL and SIL. I agree with some posts on here that say you need to start living a more fulfilled life, take on group hobbies, build up a friendship base, get out and about, become a busy person with your own interests. Perhaps you're just too needy when your son and DIL are with you. The loneliness and resentment you feel is probably causing an atmosphere making visits to you more of a chore than a delight.

I'm grateful that my son and daughter, plus their partners, enjoy our company. We have some great times when we get together and they and the little grandchildren still share holidays with us from time to time. My daughter tells me she's glad she's got a mum who's has her own life, though it initially caused Umbridge when she wanted me to look after my two granddaughters when they were tiny, but she came to see that having a mum who was 'out there', would have the children 'occasionally' and help out when needed was a better compromise and family relationships have remained strong and very loving.

You've spent years investing so much time in your son, but you have to live your own life now. Go grab it by the ears, get some counselling and start to see the world as a happy place. I'm sure that things will improve in the future and I wish you well.

I have a narcissistic dil who has done much the same. I have not seen my latest gc despite onl living 10mins drive away. My ds has visited me twice in 5 months and both times fil phoned him and pestered him to hurry home. I have given up letting it upset me and now just get on with my life. If my ds calls we have a chat, I ask about the gcs and that's that. There is no point wishing for something that may never happen. As for the gifted foid eaten by others I definately would call him out on that and would no longer be supplying food to feed her family. Get out, do things for you and font rely on others to make you happy it can and often does lead to disappointment and you are worth more than that.