New nanny - feeling a little left out

A Revolution is needed! Dons have become such hands-on fathers these days and yet the rights of paternal grandparents are yet to change - I have two sons and the cry I hear all the time is that maternal grandparents see grandchildren far more. The ‘new’ mother should realise that we have rights too. It starts with mother of the bridegroom having 2nd class status and advances from there! So make a stand all you mothers of sons!

are you serious Gigi ?
i don't think talk of rights in this situation will get you very far.
you have no rights at all.
if a man whether married or not, has not bothered much with, or is not close to, his parents, why would those parents expect to suddenly invade his family's space just because of the draw of a new toy, or baby.
also, since it is women who have to go through the trauma of giving birth, it is natural that the woman will want her own mother, if she wants anyone else, around to support her.
her own mother has seen her naked, has tended her through illness and messiness, and above all will be there for her, not just to come play with baby.
such a lot of egotistical nonsense and self-serving self-delusion around this topic.

Gigi2

A Revolution is needed! Dons have become such hands-on fathers these days and yet the rights of paternal grandparents are yet to change - I have two sons and the cry I hear all the time is that maternal grandparents see grandchildren far more. The ‘new’ mother should realise that we have rights too. It starts with mother of the bridegroom having 2nd class status and advances from there! So make a stand all you mothers of sons!

No.
If this is how you treat your DIL, you have no one but yourself to blame for being at arms length.

You have no rights to a child who is not yours.

It has always been that way and I can’t see it changing somehow. It is a time when mum is needed, not mum in law really. Nothing to do with ‘rights’, that doesn’t enter into it.

Gigi2

A Revolution is needed! Dons have become such hands-on fathers these days and yet the rights of paternal grandparents are yet to change - I have two sons and the cry I hear all the time is that maternal grandparents see grandchildren far more. The ‘new’ mother should realise that we have rights too. It starts with mother of the bridegroom having 2nd class status and advances from there! So make a stand all you mothers of sons!

Rights?? Really?

GP’s have no rights.

Maybe instead of demanding “rights”, try (as many mothers/fathers have on here) building a relationship with the partner of an adult child based on respect, kindness and understanding.

Making a stand as you put it is (IMO) a path to defensiveness, bad communication and mismatched expectations.

A couple marries one another - it’s lovely if the extended family grow to love one another, but that’s not always the case. So again I go back to, understanding kindness and respect - you know, like adults?!

Many congratulations on the safe arrival of your grandson! I understand completely and it hurts a lot doesn't it? It's so hard to swallow it down too when there's a lump in your throat. Social media doesn't help either, with all the photos of maternal GPS beaming away and frequent comments from maternal granny emphasising "My grandson". I hope you haven't had that to contend with too. But it sounds like you are and will be welcomed and I would advise you to make meals and give practical help as others have suggested. Chat to your son and be a friend to your DIL. You could offer to sit with the baby while new parents grab some sleep, do the washing or shopping, things like that. Don't wait to be asked. There will be more than enough 'duties' for all grandparents to help with. If you live near, that makes you very fortunate too and the fact that they know you're happy to be available augurs well for the future. As Love0c says, it feels like being hungry for any crumbs you are thrown when your heart is starving. I do not agree with accepting being sidelined just because of being paternal. That's so wrong especially if you're as nice as you sound. As a woman and mother you understand what your DIL is going through. One other tip, as you do become more involved, do things their way as they'll have their own way of doing the baby things, and you'll soon find they'll be asking for your advice. Your grandson is not bothered who changes his nappy, but you are already building up your bond with him in your heart and mind and I'm sure very soon will be physically. I wish you very much joy and hope that before long you'll be happily run ragged looking after the new family!

Megs36 I admire your honesty.

MooM00 that's such a touching and sad story. I'm glad they kept the cut out bit of the photo even if it was hidden away like that, and that mil finally found it. Was she able to reattach the baby's picture, I wonder?? She must have had great strength and understanding to put up with that. I think we paternals often develop deep reserves of wisdom and diplomacy not found in many of the maternals. And I thought we women were supposed to be empathetic 'sisters'!

OP, I have an 8 month old and can so clearly remember those early days. My family wasn't in the frame because of lockdown travel restrictions, but my inlaws live just down the road.

Please, please try to give them space. Contacting them once a day is too much, even though it is well-meant. The fact that they are ignoring your messages clearly communicates that.

I know you are excited about your grandchild, but there is a woman whose life has just been turned upside down by the arrival of this new baby, who is probably getting no sleep, is healing from the birth, and just needs her Mum at the moment. Please do not make it an issue.

My inlaws were overwhelmed with love for their new grandchild and I felt like I was under seige. There was very little regard for my privacy, or that I needed space to establish breastfeeding (which I was struggling with), or that I was just really, really sore and didn't want people in my house all the time. I found their need to be heavily involved in the very early days, regardless of what I wanted, to be so incredibly intrusive. When I asked my MIL tearfully not to keep turning up so often, and to combine some of her visits with other family members, it was like I was talking to a wall. You say you want to be helpful, but don't seem to want to be helpful in the most obvious way, which is, at this moment, to give them space. It may not be the help you want to give, or what you expected, but please try t to listen. It is very early days and things will not always be this way. 3 weeks is no time at all, and certainly not enough time to have established any sort of routine.

My inlaws are loving grandparents and a big part of my DS's life, but I will never forget the way they prioritised themselves when my baby was born. It honestly made me feel like a walking womb.

3 weeks is no time for your son and DIL to come to terms with the little guy who is totally dependent on them and who is taking over the house and there lives.
There is so much to process when you have a new baby that you are not really thinking of how others are feeling.
Best to tell them you are there if needed, for anything, and then step back or else you may make them feel pressured.
Give them time to get used to how they are feeling with the little guy and being a family of 3 and them with time they will feel more relaxed and adapt to their new little family.
I am sure they will include you in their lives and you will be asked to babysit or spend time with the little family.
It is not always easy being the paternal grandma and being on the sidelines but that is the way it usually is and I would let them make the moves and not put any pressure on them. I am sure it will work out its very early days yet. Congratulations x

When my Son was born after a very difficult labour and delivery my Mother in law couldn’t wait to see him.She was so excited and hadn’t even had her weekly bath and I have to say her BO nearly made me sick.Her first comment to me was ‘well you don’t matter anymore now the baby’s here’! After my husbands return to work she insisted that my FiL brought her down to my house every day from approx 11.30 am to 6.30pm.....not to help oh no. As soon as FiL took the dog out she started her onslaught of criticism and basically expected me to cook ,clean and make their tea for them!After 13 days I was at the end of my tether and exploded....she was not made welcome after that!The moral of this story is to put the new Mother first and foremost,stop being selfish and try to be more considerate, otherwise you will cause more problems for yourself! Give the poor woman a chance to recover and establish her own routine,and,whatever you do DO NOT interfere

I'm glad you love your new grandchild and welcome the new addition! Sorry you feel left out. Please keep in mind it has only been three weeks, that is not long at all. The new mom is still recovering from giving birth, they are adjusting as new parents and finding their routine. To say you feel left out shows your lack of awareness. Do you not remember your new parenting days? Please do not place the burden of your emotions on the new parents. They are experiencing your emotions times one thousand so please give them space and time. Overbearing pushy grandparents who only think of themselves and how they are feeling can be so annoying in those early days, it's one of the most frustrating things about being a mother. I was reprimanded by my MIL for not "keeping her in the loop" when she could have asked her son to keep her in the loop. I'm still unsure to this day why it was my job as the DIL to keep her in the loop. She just could not fathom communicating with her son. I guess in society and familial relationships the females are expected to do the emotional labor of keeping extended family in the loop. I threw in the towel on that one and felt a huge load off my shoulders. Lots of stress was relieved.

So sorry you are feeling left out Nannyto. I am a maternal MIL and always wait for a call rather than calling, mostly because I don't want to intrude on their schedule, especially sleep. My daughter made clear to both pair of ILs that they want to work though this wonderful experience together, but they will let us know when they are ready for visitors. I agree that it is indeed early days. Stay positive, they will let us know when they need our help!

Megs36

Regrets I have a few........mainly how I left my in laws out and my mother had most contact with my sons. But I think this has and always will be so. How hurt mother in law must have been and what a bitch Iwas but too late now.??

Looking back, I can see that this is exactly what happened when my children were born. I don't think I deliberately tried to exclude my in-laws, it's just that we usually spent more time with my family anyway. Thankfully, as they were growing up, my children had little cousins on my DH's side of the family, and they started to spend more time with my in-laws.

Now, as a paternal GP myself, I can understand how hurt my in-laws must have been all those years ago. And, yes, what a b**ch I must've seemed! I do wish I could have that time over again and do things differently, as I do feel that my in-laws were just as deserving as my own parents to have that special early time with their new grandchildren. However, my in-laws never once complained, or commented, bless them. And I did grow to love them both very much.

Fast forward to me being a paternal GP myself. Even though I have a very good, close relationship with both my DS and my DiL, I did make a few rookie mistakes in the early days, all due to feelings of jealousy, which now, looking back, seem rather silly, but still totally understandable. All water under the bridge now, I'm happy to say!

My DD, whose partner's parents only have sons, has already said that when they marry, and hopefully have children, she will make sure that her MiL is totally involved in the wedding arrangements/going to choose the dress/etc., and she'll make sure that they are totally included, and do not feel 'left out' if/when any babies arrive. I love that she has that attitude.

My MIL sidelined herself. It literally started the day my first was born. Hanging out by my bedside for over eight hours when my baby was hours old. "MIL, please don't take my underwear to wash." "Don't be silly," (gathers up all underwear plus more). Calling around every day when I got home with a clear interest in only the baby. If she'd come to visit with ME it might have gone differently. "MIL, baby needs a hat if you take her into the garden." (MIL puts on hat and removes it as soon as she steps out the door). It was constant, she had no respect for me as baby's mother because she had rights (in her opinion, not mine), and I couldn't handle it so just backed right off. It could have gone so differently.

Why does a woman has to be worried if she looks like a b*tch for choosing how to heal from a medical event.

This is so offensive - as women, we are people, not a means to an end - the baby

The patients come first. Why is it so hard to understand?

Have.... autocorrect

Why does a woman has to be worried if she looks like a b*tch for choosing how to heal from a medical event

I am not sure which post you are referring to Hithere?

I do agree, all mother's should be allowed the time and space that they need after a birth to heal.

Apologies, I was referring to a comment by Nansnet

As Mum to 5 sons, I fear being left on the sidelines at these times too. I don't see any harm in checking in via text everyday to let them know you are thinking about them and are available should they need anything.

Hithere

Why does a woman has to be worried if she looks like a b*tch for choosing how to heal from a medical event.

This is so offensive - as women, we are people, not a means to an end - the baby

The patients come first. Why is it so hard to understand?

I am only speaking from my own personal experience. I didn’t feel that way at the time, it’s just all these years later, now I understand how my MiL must’ve felt. And I’m not talking about over-the-top behavior from MiL’s, trying to muscle in during the first weeks, wanting to do everything, when all you want is your own mum (and husband!). I know that sometimes happens, and I agree that’s unnecessary and unacceptable, but just from the aspect that I can see now that there is no harm in allowing your in-laws time after the baby is born, and during the first weeks, to see their new grandchild.

Most MiLs have no desire to try to take over the special mother-daughter relationship, but for some reason we only hear about the bad situations (it can sometimes be the maternal GM who’s a pain in the backside!), and I totally agree that most new mothers want their own mum to help out with things, and not their MiL. I did too! However, I do think that some new mothers, who don’t even want their in-laws to see the baby during the first days/weeks, don’t realize how upsetting than can be. We are, after all, the parents of the father, just the same as the parents of the mother, and our feelings are the same. Yes, I know we don’t have any ‘rights’ as GPs, and I know there are other posters here who will disagree with my views, and that’s totally fine. This is just my opinion, based on my own personal experience as a mother, and a grandmother.

Most MiLs have no desire to try to take over the special mother-daughter relationship, but for some reason we only hear about the bad situations (it can sometimes be the maternal GM who’s a pain in the backside!

That is true nansnet. I suppose we hear about the bad situations because the good situations don't cause problems for people

cannotbelieveiamaskingthis208

As Mum to 5 sons, I fear being left on the sidelines at these times too. I don't see any harm in checking in via text everyday to let them know you are thinking about them and are available should they need anything.

That depends on how you handle it. Some couples might find it demanding and overwhelming. It might also depend who you text. How you text is probably most important. Are you asking how they are? The mother and baby too? Or just asking about the baby and 'send pics'? I wouldn't have minded myself but might have stopped replying if it was all just asking for a baby report with no interest in me as a person.

Agree with cafeaulait

The sender may not see the harm in daily messages but the receiver may not agree.

Being left out, sidelines - it is the perspective of GPs not being as close/involved as they would like to be, because the core family (parents and child) follow different rules. The old wants vs needs discussion

My younger daughter has just had her first baby. He's my second grandchild, the older one lives 15 minutes away and I see him weekly. The new baby lives two hours away from me, but five minutes from his father's parents and siblings. Of course they're going to see much more of him, and as both his father's siblings are having babies this year his paternal grandparents are going to be spoilt for choice.

I will not be the first to meet him, I won't see a lot of him (compared to his father's family) and I don't know if we'll be able to arrange for me to help with childcare when my daughter goes back to work... but I won't love him any less and luckily I'm not remotely competitive or possessive about him. I am delighted that his other grandmother is keen to help and trust her to love and care for him every bit as well as I can!

The question of me staying to help after the birth never arose with my first grandson (who was in NICU for a month) and hasn't been discussed with this one. I definitely wouldn't have wanted my mother around for even a day when I was first home from hospital with my own babies, let alone a week - I'm surprised so many people seem to think it's expected.