Multigenerational household

My DM moved in with us for the last six years of her life. She paid for an extension and, when she died, that was my inheritance. My sister got the equivalent in cash. We had it all drawn up properly, with DM's share of the property being a third (so that the value of her contribution rose as the value of the house rose.) We also made wills, leaving our share to our kids and DM as their guardian. If we were all dead, everything went to DM. We could have left her a life interest in the property but I wanted to know that she could buy a smaller house and have some money, if I wasn't there to take care of her. I didn't trust my sister to do so.

So my main advice would be to make sure that the legal side is done properly, and try to take care of as many possible situations as you can. I did used to worry about what would happen if I died and DH remarried, but there was nothing I could do to protect DM in that situation. She would just have had to buy a little house. You can't take care of every possible situation.

We also had our DD and her first partner living with us for 15 years. They had children and we helped lots with childcare. Be prepared for the fact that they will take it for granted that you will look after the kids. I didn't mind but, if you do, say so at the first opportunity. (I admit that we took my DM's help for granted too.) DH loved having the children here but never really liked DD's partner very much. Fortunately they didn't see much of each other till DH retired but it created tension sometimes. Think about how you all get along.

Also, think about what you will do if your DD's relationship breaks up. Our DD met someone else and they moved in to a house together. Her ex stayed at our house. We wanted him to go and tried to hint, but didn't like to tell him to his face - partly because we were embarrassed but mainly because the children still slept at our house several nights a week and spent time with him. He stayed for a year. Eventually, Covid-19 began, we had to isolate, the kids had to live full-time with DD and the ex finally moved out, with me telling him in a diplomatic way not to come back. So that's another thing to think about - if the situation becomes awkward, can you say what is bothering you or are you a total wuss, like we were? xxx

My mother moved in with my husband and I, 4 years ago. We own the house and she sold hers. She pays us rent. This was her decision. She helps clean, we take turns to cook meals. She has a bed room, her own fridge and her own lounge. We go shopping and outings together. It works really well. We all need our own space and meet up for meals and at 9pm to watch a film together. It works really well.

Jellygran
That sounds like a very nice arrangement, as you say, really important to have your own space.

I have my young granddaughter a teen mum and her one year old baby living with us and will likely both stay for another couple of years or so. On the whole it works out fine, BUT it is my house and therefore my rules etc. I think living with a multi generation home has its ups and downs, there are times when I look forward to the day when it is just myself and husband but we also have some lovely times altogether too.

Dont want to dampen your spirits but 3 friends tried this and they all went wrong.So much so that one friend no longer has any contact with her Mother.They all started with the best intentions but it soon went pear shaped

I personally would never live with any of my children.

My father died very suddenly nearly 50 years ago, my then boyfriend and I brought our wedding forward and moved in with my mum as she could not have afforded to stay in that property. Mum’s elderly sister also lived with them, and continued to do so.

It worked well for the next two years when I was still working full time, then I had our children. After about three years, I just wanted my own home, , although we still got on well.

Mum sold up, bought a smaller property for her and auntie, my DH and I and the children moved into a tied cottage which went with his job.

Looking back, I wish we had always lived on our own really, as we missed out on our own little first married home, but it was a big help to my mum and helped her get over losing dad.

My paternal Grandma lived with us from when I was seven until I was 19. She had her own sitting room, but other facilities were shared. I think she had a financial interest in the house, but my parents were very coy about it. It didn't work because my mother and my Grandma did not get on. Because of this it was quite an unhappy household, and we children were affected by this.
Please ensure that you all have space, preferably with your own kitchen and bathroom facilities.
Please work out a financial exit strategy so that you can each get out of the situation with dignity.

Sunnybean
I think we have to treasure all those lovely happy moments and not dwell too much on the tough bits.
I want the children to be happy, so I don’t want to nag all the time, but I admit I find the endless mess very wearing at times.

Make sure any agreements you have about the house funding, space etc are written down and witnessed by a solicitor. God forbid you should ever fall out, but better safe than sorry. X

What a lot of negativity about this. I am considering bringing my 90 year old father to live with me and my OH after my mum dies (which is imminent due to MND) as I know he is going to find it difficult on his own and visiting as regularly as I now do is just not sustainable. I have 2 friends who are in an intergenerational living situation and it's working brilliantly. Yes the legal stuff needs to be done and I think it is essential that there is some sort of annexing so each generation has their own space but to be able to help & support loved ones without the travel while still retaining some independence seems to me to be a wonderful compromise. Until we have a 1st Class Social Care service in this country or affordable quality childcare I think we are going to see more and more of this. Take the common sense precautions, make sure you have discussed all the potential scenarios and if everyone is still comfortable do it! I don't know how old you are but you must be realistic about how much you can do re childcare especially if there ends up more than one as it can be much more tiring than you imagine but to me it benefits everyone including the grandchildren.

I think it depends very much on your personality type whether or not it will work out! I have had my terminally ill Mum live with me for the last year of her life then my AS who had some minor strokes and was very ill for a time. My other AS is Autistic and lives with me too. The only reason it has worked is because I am a very laid back and tolerant person, most things go over my head! I am divorced so no one else to consider. Now i have terminal cancer so my sons are looking after me, thank god they are here. I woyld suggest you get legal advice as others have said. Good luck with the new arrangements.

You’ve had lots of advice about making sure the financial aspects are locked down. I would advise also doing the same with the “house rules”. That way everyone knows going into this what is expected.
I moved back in with my parents after living on my own for 4 years when I was a young adult (moved out at 19 and back at 23 when my relationship broke down) and I lasted 8 weeks! That was because they viewed it as me moving back in and expected the same “rules” from my teenage years, so curfews, rigid schedules, knowing my whereabouts 24/7 etc etc. By this point I was an adult, I had lived independently for 4 years without them knowing every aspect of my life and I found it stifling to attempt to go back to this. Even silly things like wanting to cook, do my own laundry or order a take away were potential arguments.
Luckily the flat I’d shared with my ex sold quickly and I was able to move out on my own, which IMO saved my relationship with my parents.
My (rather long winded) point is that everyone needs to have an expectation of roles within the home. Will you eat together every night? Who’s cooking? What if someone wants to invite over company? Will there be communal spaces? Can you tell each other that you need the other one to give them some peace and quiet without it causing hurt feelings? These all sound like wee daft things, but these are the types of things that can stir up resentment or ill will if they’re not acknowledged and discussed.

I wish you every happiness with your new arrangement OP and hope you can iron out the details to make you all happy.

Sara1954, oh how I agree with you, my daughter had a row with her landlord and was given 3 months to leave the 2 bedroomed house she rented. She couldn't find anything straight away, so I said come back home for a few months, this she did, along with her 17 year old son and the dog ....... that was almost 8 years ago!!
Its been hard, and yes she brought a lot of belongings that are still in boxes, shoved as out of sight as I can get them.
I am not confrontational at all, so we have a stalemate, she is in a relationship that has been ongoing for 6 years, but neither of them want to get married, I think because they both have it so good at home!!
It is just a situation that is ongoing and we skirt around each other daily. Grandson doesn't work either, but say no more about that.
I am not looking for any sympathy, just saying it as it is.......we all live our lives differently and "get on with our lot".

I would have to have my own separate space and I'm guessing they would too. I have a large garden and had the idea of putting something in there for me so I have my own privacy and let them have the main house with their two children. It will go to my dtr anyway when I pass I just need the finances to do it. They're renting and can't afford to buy.

f77ms Sending you kindest thoughts and

i heard of a lady who did this. she said generally it was ok, but there were some assumptions eg that the younger generations could and would wander into her annex at all and any time.
it had been made clear that she would come into their side by arrangement, usually to help them.
she didn't like to say anything about this, esp as it seemed like keeping the GC at arms length.
but their parents would also wander in, for no particular reason, barely acknowledging her, really as if they owned the place, to look out the window, walk about.
so she had to know her place, but they had the right to roam.
and of course she was treated as if staff, easing their lives.
it really was like upstairs downstairs, and she was expected to be grateful, despite her hefty financial input.

i think the underlying assumption was that they must preserve the sanctity of their family live, its privacy and intimacy.
whereas she being single had no private life, so didn't really count, except in so far as she could oil the wheels of their lives.
these attitudes, perhaps ageism, are quite prevalent in families.

Congratulations on the upcoming grandchild, Mattsmum! I don't have much to add on your living arrangements, but I know it is very common in many cultures, so I'm sure you will make it work to the benefit of both.

I think if you make privacy rules right from the start it will be easier. If you have your own set of rooms, then let them know once the doors are closed you want private space, and vice versa; make sure to give them private time in their part of the house.

Good luck, and let us know how it goes.

Another thing to consider, which I’ve had first hand experience of, is the effect on other family members.
If you have other children and grandchildren, they may feel resentful about your helping their sibling so much more, and jealous of the closer bond you have with the children you live with.

sara1954 7,7,4

At last a positive post, thank you. I’m only 55 so have lots of energy and lots I hope to give to potential GC. I get on extremely well with my daughter and her fiancé, and my daughter also lived with her nan, my mother, whilst training to be a nurse for 3 years, so we are all fairly chilled. Looking forward to having my own space once annexe is built and planning our lives together and apart.

You haven’t mentioned what legal agreement you have to protect you should everything go pear shaped.

Different for everybody isn’t it ? I loved my mum and dad and my mum in law but I would never have wanted to live with any of them I couldn’t wait to get out in the big old world and explore with my new husband
When in my 40 s my Nan came to live with me fir the last three years of her life so I could care for her I found it hard to divide my time between three growing children and Nan with dementia but I wouldn’t have changed it
My eldest came back for a year when her partner died but just to get on her feet
Otherwise long term wouldn’t work for me I hope I can stay looking after myself as I just wouldn’t want to infringe on any of my kids lives
But good luck mattsmum if it works for you good stuff

You sound really positive and excited, so I’m sure it will all work out for you.

I moved in with my daughter and her husband and my DGD eleven years ago . It was a few years after my husband died and I was only in my late fifties.
I only lived a couple hundred yards away from them and we were always either in their house or mine so it made sense to live together .
I paid a decent deposit and we now live in a much nicer area of our town . It’s a lovely 4 bedroom house with a large garden . The close we live in is very quiet and not many people are aware of it so it’s safe . My granddaughter was able to grow up playing in the street with her friends.
I have my own sitting room and an en suite shower room off my bedroom , so I can be alone whenever I need to .
My 2 DS and their families visit frequently . It’s worked out well .