I don't think my 18yo grand-daughter likes me :-(

Hmmm. Perhaps as the Granddaughter in question is 18. Have you thought maybe saying ..have I offended you in some way as our relationship seems uncomfortable and I'd like to put it right if you would be happy to talk about it. No need to answer right now and then just leave it with her and start doing some self care and hobbies and see if she wants a chat sometime.

Thanks MS, I didn't notice the date of the OP, or I wouldn't have bothered writing a reply.

As the OP never replied to anyone from the 1st of July I doubt if she’s still reading.

annodomini ? mmm? ….that she has been badly brought up and possibly encouraged to be spiteful to her grandmother.

I don't wish to be hard, but it sounds to me as if you expect affection in return for money and treats. I too have an 18 year-old GD. I don't see her very often but we get along very will though I haven't been in a position to lavish her with money and treats. I've always tried to give her gifts appropriate to her age and interests - one big hit was two white tee shirts along with fabric pens to decorate them! For her 19th birthday this week she has asked for a particular house plant as she has acquired a hobby of indoor horticulture! And last year, she had a few driving lessons in my car.
Your GD is a young adult now. Yes, she was mean and tactless giving you her burnt cookery, but I wonder what she was trying to tell you.

I think grannyben has the perfect solution. There is no need to have any unpleasant words, but by withdrawing your usefulness you will feel loads better about not being so put upon and eventually your family will work out why for themselves and perhaps change their attitude towards you. Of course if they complain that you have become less helpful to them, then you can have the perfect response already prepared.

try standing up for yourself.
if you always defer to them, do things for them, fit in with them, etc they may just assume it's because they are more important.
so you have to decide; do you want to carry on like that for the rest of your life.
you won't be able to make them change their behaviour, however wronged you feel, you can't guilt trip them into it.
only you can act differently.
good luck.

Precisely! If she’s an inexperienced bakerI can’t imagine how hurt I’d be if my granny had made a stink about the less than perfect cookies. I do know my less preferred grandma would have Been the sort to obsess over who got the biggest/best portion and two nearly identical items she’d be angry if she didn’t get the one she deemed superior. I wonder if that’s what’s happened here. She was dismissive and cold and couldn’t fathom
Why I preferred my maternal family to hers.

Hithere

Namsnanny

I agree it is very easy to predict the posts that a person is going to write.
It happens to me a lot with other posters

Thanks for the reply.
Yes it can be very difficult to see the other person's point of view sometimes cant it?
Especially when we may be passionate about our own position.
Sometimes I think the 'passion' blinkers us to other perspectives.

C'est la vie

It unfair but I think you have set the pattern and you can change it, the other gran puts herself first so they follow that pattern, like children the ones who shout the loudest gets more attention than the quiet ones

What happens with the other grandparents/what the other grandparents do etc is not really the issue here or relevant, much as it must be galling/hurtful to see/be aware of. What is relevant is:

1. The thoughtlessness/unkindness of leaving you alone over Christmas! Some things to think about:
- does your son realise you don't like Xmas alone?
- I am wondering what has happened on other Christmases , pre Covid bubbles? Has what happened previously with you just become "the norm" in their heads; selfish and thoughtless but is it a possibility?
- is there pressure/an expectation that they will always go to other grandparents for Xmas?
- do they feel unable to break that or ask if you could attend too?

2. You do a lot for them....
- do they think that you do it because you enjoy being busy/helping etc
- do they therefore think they are doing you a favour by letting you?
- do they want you to do things like wash up (that is very different helping to child care!)
- have you ever asked them to do anything for you?
- if so, do you thank them etc? I expect you do! Why do they behave differently towards you?

3. Why is your son seeing this as normal with his Mum?
- what was he like towards you before he was married?
- did he always just assume that you are "ok"?
- have you ever told him that you are not ok?
- does he realise and accept that you are getting older and may need more than you used to?

4. Money
- have you always given money for lots of things
- has it therefore become the norm in their heads?
- is it just seen as "Granny doing the usual?"
- do you/have you spent time with your son/DIL/grandchildren instead of giving money? Maybe paid for an outing, all gone together?

5. Grandaughter:
- How old is your grandaughter?
- Why did you buy and pay for the ingredients?
- Was this pre arranged or just given? Did you help her cook or give a reason for bringing the ingredients?
- does she need to "impress" the granny who is eg worried about her nails?
- does she see you as easy going and won't make a fuss about the burnt ones? Is she embarrassed by the burnt ones and thinks you will be ok/easygoing/understand?

All these questions link to various ways of looking at the scenarios you describe. There are so many possibilities for what has happened.

Overall to me it seems that at the very least there is a complete mismatch of expectations and understandings of what you would like/where you fit/why you do what you do etc. I think you need to try and express your needs a bit more and also think carefully about your reasons for giving your money, your time etc.

None of this is meant as a criticism, just that I think you need to analyse the situation, the relationships etc really carefully and ignoring the inevitable and understandable emotion, in order to decide what to do.

Namsnanny

I agree it is very easy to predict the posts that a person is going to write.
It happens to me a lot with other posters

It seems that so many on here feel the same way as you do and the more that you do, the less you feel appreciated.
One of my nieces has always been offhand with me.I came back from overseas when she was 3, so my sister had already been with her from birth and formed a relationship with her.
Despite whatever I did, she has always kept me at arms length.
When she lived in Cornwall, she was insistent that I went to stay with her and her family, but instead of spending time with her - going out for meals, to the local ice cream parlour, pub etc like she did with my sister and her family, I was treated as if I was staying at a B&B!
I left there, wondering why she had bothered to invite me!
Since then, things are really no different between us, whatever I try.
She even moved house and didn't tell me for several months , let alone tell me the new address- I only found out after sending a birthday card and having it returned by Royal Mail!
I am never sure if people, especially children realise how hurtful they can be.
Personally, I would cut back on the extra gifts and have no problem with explaining why to the parents as well as commenting on the fact that you were left to have Christmas on your own - they obviously assumed that, despite you acting as unpaid childcare over time, that you really enjoyed your own company while they were having a happy family time.
I would hope that they will feel horrified at how you feel and take steps to include you in future, but I'm afraid that things may never change and now that socialising is becoming more possible, that you expand your social circle - there are many people I am sure that will fill that gap, who are in a similar situation to you.

Hithere

Why blame the gd when she is following her parents' lead for a long time?

This issue seems to have started with the parents, and she just learned from it

She's 18 !!!

This problem isnt about one person being unreasonably jealous of another's position.

This is about an adult not haveing the common decencency to treat two parties the same.
Made especially hurtful as it was in front of everyone.

Hithere after reading lots of your replies (of a similar nature) I'm beginning to think you are just out to make an impression.
There seems no compassion at times, especially for GP's perspective.

It's become very easy to predict which posts you will answer and what that answer will be.

I’m so sorry to hear of your difficulties NaughtyNan, but am inclined to agree with those who suggest you have set yourself up for this to happen.
I always think there are two types of people, givers and takers. You sound very much like a giver, but if you happen to meet a taker, you’ll never thrive. You really should only ever give for pleasure. Once you put conditions, or expectations on what you do, chances are you’ll lose out if it’s a taker you’re dealing with.
Your son should know better than this. After all, you brought him up. It could be they are totally ignorant of your feelings. As for your granddaughter, she is still so young, and living with the parents who will be doing what they’ve always done her whole life. Once she moves out and becomes a woman in her own right, things may change.
I’m inclined to think you need to back off completely, and stop doing things for them. Do you have other children? Friends? There’s plenty of people to talk to on here.
I wish you well

NaughtNanThe Red, your granddaughter needs to know she hurt your feelings. For instance you could ask her how she herself would like a present of burnt food.

If you told her the problem then hopefully she might learn a lesson from what you say.

AGAA4 wrote:
"Favouring the other grandparents is not fair on you but I know this does seem to happen with one set, usually the parents of the daughter."

Thanks for that AGAA4. It makes my relations with grandchildren, such as they are, seem more normal.

I have seen a similar scenario play out with my in laws. MIL gave the other family more money, provided childcare, any time of work was spent looking after her grandchildren. Has she had any thanks for it? has she heck. They completely took her for granted for years, decades and now it as if it never happened and now she is elderly herself she is a massive inconvenience to them. Sorry to be so blunt but I don't think they know how generous your time and help has been. It's only if you don't receive that input and help that you can see how lucky other people are (generally, I'm sure not everyone is ungrateful but there does seem a lot of entitled people in my generation 40s/50s)

I think peoples expectations are just high, and so when they are not reached, unhappiness is the outcome. I’m not just focussed on the OP, this is a general observation.

I agree with other comments.....money and treats do not buy love and affection. Your granddaughter is now 18 and is an adult; by all means buy birthday and Christmas gifts but stop the random stuff.
The other grandmother could just be spending time with the girl which is far more valuable than material things.
Following on from the burnt cookie debacle why not plan a baking session with the granddaughter to teach her how to do it and not produce burnt offerings? If the other grandma doesn't like washing up chances are she probably might not like baking either - think mess in the kitchen, dough on her hands and down her nails - I hope that makes sense.
As for Christmas dinner, why nor consider inviting DS, DIL and GD to your house this year?

Families can be cruel sometimes with out even realising it.
I really feel for you.

Regarding giving money etc. I remember telling my daughter that I was disappointed at how my son and DiL treated me when I was so good to them and she said, You can't buy affection mum.

You are not being treated fairly and I think it is disgraceful. I would step back a bit and not do so much for them. See if they start to appreciate you more. Good luck….

I have stepped away from some of my family because of the way they have been with me, they were quite happy to let me do everything until they thought they were missing out and then I was treated appallingly, no more!

I don't think the 'burnt cookies' were as burnt as some posters are imagining, I'm sure the granddaughter wouldn't do that. maybe not as perfect as the others and she thought the OP wouldn't mind. Sure she'd be appalled to know it is on gransnet as burnt cookies.

how about trying to behave completely differently.
eg when the plate of cookies is taken away and you're told you'll take yours home, call out to the kitchen, don't bother giving me the burnt ones, better luck next time !
try saying what you are actually feeling.
it's worth a try. if said simply and sincerely, without edge, it can be quite liberating. but it seems not to be the norm, and then things can get mixed up, with expectations and perceived slights.
on seeing a sink full of dishes, declare loudly, not my rota, i;ve done more than enough washing-up to last a lifetime.
to be said lightly, not huffily.
i used to be a people-pleaser, and it was so socially conditioned; it took a while to recognise, and see it was self-defeating, and try to step out of it.
so perhaps try a kind of drama-therapy; take on a different persona, avoid the martyred one.