Feeling 'required' to take care of my granddaughter

It is absolutely up to you how you spend your time. I don’t think that what your DIL, or your husband, or anyone else is doing is relevant - this is your decision and you are under no obligation.

However - my own mum never (or very seldom) looked after my children, and as a result they are not close now, which is different from her relationship with my sister’s children, whom she saw regularly. I know that she regrets it now, but they are adults with their own lives, and don’t have the memories or ties to my mum that would make them close.

I can’t help thinking that you have a choice here, and only you can make it. What I would suggest, however, is that you discuss this with your son, and decide between you whether there is a time in the week (not necessarily on Saturdays) that is convenient to both of you.

No one ever helped us, either and when we emigrated with 2 babies - well what we had never had we never missed.So we had 2 more just because we could. I don’t mind my grandchildren much, either, and my children don’t expect me to. Sometimes, to our mutual pleasure, but not all the time. They know we are there and wouldn’t hesitate to help in an emergency of course - which has happened from time to time. Stick to your guns young babs !

Times have changed. I don’t remember my grandparents ever looking after us apart from emergencies. We used to visit as a family for a couple of hours and enjoyed that time. It seems that grandparents are now expected to take on the role of parents often looking after their grand children full time. For some this is a role they enjoy, for others they prefer not to do so because of work commitments and continuing their own interests. No one should be made to feel pressured to look after grand children and parents should not assume that they will.

I think that we have a life to lead and it’s up to us to live it. I’m still working long hours in childcare and I’m really exhausted by the weekend. I’m lucky in a way my grandchildren are nearly teenagers so they don’t need me as much. But I wouldn’t let any of my sons dictate to me on any area. Be true to your self and stand up to him politely but firmly good luck.

What nonsense.
Look after your grandchildren when you choose, not when ,your son dictates. What is his wife, the stay at home mother, doing? is it because she expects some 'me' time and he is not prepared to look after his own children for an afternoon?

Do NOT allow him to browbeat you by going on and on; ask him why he is not prepared to look after his own children for two days when he is away from them for five. How his mother-in -law behaves is no concern of yours; you lead a very different life from her, and it sounds as if the daughter in law, while saying nothing, is behind this, and expects you to take on care of her own children. If they need a break from each other why on earth are they even considering having another child?
As a huge favour, and make it clear it is a favour, I would offer to have the children for one afternoon a month, and I would return them, not wait for them to be collected. Sorry, but your son sounds a bully and your daughter in law very lazy.

Your sons attitude seems a bit off but maybe it’s because your being undecided. You have a very busy life, couldn’t your husband do a bit more, is he much older than you? I would agree to have your granddaughter every other week, leaving time for you, and time to get to know her too.

Dilly, your arrangement is probably the ideal for many people. I would watch my grandchildren but the when and how long for and how often would be on my terms. I have a full life that is not yet my own.

What are they doing every Saturday that they need childcare? Just say sorry, can’t commit to every week.

CafeAuLait exactly which is why I said every family is different. In my community, my neighbours and friends locally, grandparents are very involved with childcare. It’s quite old fashioned (in a nice way) where I live, and most families have lived here for generations. Childcare is easier when you live a street or a few houses away, but obviously it is more difficult if your dgc live on the other side of town!

I think the biggest issue here is the attitude of the OP's son. It seems that he has decided that the OP is going to do as he wants and that is that.

While it may be a privilege to have one's grandchildren entrusted to them, it is not the right of the AC to decide that will happen at their insistence without taking into consideration the grandparents situation.

It's nice if you can Dilly. Some grandparents are still raising their families, some have children they're still raising with special needs and are dealing with very challenging personal circumstances. If one of the grown children then decides you must do this thing for them regularly, two hours can feel like an awful lot more to fit in. The last thing some people need is an additional responsibility when they already have too many.

I hope I wasn’t judgemental. My opinion is of course through the filter of not having met my dgc yet because of Covid. OP can pick and choose which opinions she chooses to listen or not listen to. My mil did a significant amount of free childcare so I that could go back to full time work. If my dgc lived in the U.K I would have then carried the favour forward and done the same childcare for my own dgc.
Every family is different.

Two hours is not a small ask for everyone. :-/ And not just because they don't want to but due to other responsibilities.

I am amazed at how judgemental some of the posters come across.
OP has a very busy life working full time, looking after Dad, clearing his house.
She already says she has a good relationship with GD.
I entirely understand that she doesn’t want a couple of hours childcare on top every Saturday.
Two hours could easily turn into all day.
As someone said why not every other week or once a month?

It’s not helpful, but I would JUMP at the chance of looking after my grandchild once a week. Alas my dgc lives in NZ and it shall be goodness how long before I can see them.

Your time as you say is yours to with as you like, so you must do what you think is best. But it is quite a small request and during Covid there are less people available to help young couples with children. They don’t have the support of her mother that they anticipated and as Covid is unprecedented perhaps it would be the kind thing to do lend a hand once a week?

You can have a chat explaining you don’t like being brow beaten into ‘requests’, but if you can I’d help if possible.

Two hours a week would be a huge ask for me. I'm so busy caring for others finding that time would be difficult. What I'd do then is tell them when I could do those two hours. For example, I have appointments with people Mon, Tues and Fri mornings, so I can do two hours in the afternoon of those days if they can get him here to me. I can't factor in another 2.5 hours travel on top of the two hours.

I never had any help from grandparents either really (my mother watched mine about once every two years) but I'd try to make the time. It would need to be negotiated when though. I do have one afternoon a week 'off' for a few hours. That time would be off limits.

Of course OP, if you just don't want to do it, say no and be clear about it. If they need care at that time that much, they can employ a babysitter.

As an adult, how you spend your time when not working is entirely up to you.
Stand your ground and just repeat that you can't/don't want to.
It doesn't matter if "you could" because your time is your own.

I might be missing something but, why is your retired husband away at your holiday home whilst you are working full time, checking in on your Dad, having only two days off a week and running your house? OH does sound a bit selfish in his absence.
Two hours a week child care is not a great deal compared to many GParents on here. However, none of this excuses your sons insistence on you caring for the 2year old. If there is problems between that child and her mum it needs working on now not in the years to come.

Surely you could do 2 hours a week, .......does your son know you have an attitude about it, perhaps he wouldn't ask you if he knew.

Whether you choose to have the little one every week is up to you.

However, whether they have a third child or not is something you need to stay out of. You don't get to dictate their reproductive choices.

Well the bit I don’t understand is they aren’t ‘over asking’ because you don’t seem to do any child care for them apart from this new, quite small request of 2 hours a week
Perhaps it’s the way it was asked, or perhaps you just don’t wish to do any childcare, as you life is full without
Your choice

Does your son give a reason for why they need that childcare on Saturday for one to two hours? It sounds very specific to me.
If it is childcare to provide respite for mum so to speak then the timing could be negotiable.
I can't say anything about being firm about looking after grandchildren- we see ours very often -they do wear us out but we do miss them if we don't see them. Ther we're here yesterday and as they got into the car the oldest one said "I love you nanny" which of course made the tidying afterwards go much quicker

Neither my parents or my husband's parents ever watched our kids, not even once, and they both lived here in town. My husband and I have discussed this many, many times: we had no help. Yes, I took them to daycare because we both worked full time so yes, I guess I got a break that way, but no, neither of our parents were ever involved in my kids. I think this whole comes from the fact that his mother-in-law is very different from me. She doesn't work. She doesn't drive. She is involved in her grandkids care (from her son who still lives in Europe). It is a very different situation and it is a different culture where my daughter-in-law comes from. I feel as though I am am involved as much as I can and want to be right now. Maybe things will be better once we can get my dad's house listed and I can get out from having to maintain it. He is in a memory care facility and hasn't lived there for 1-1/2 years.

I think the problem here is that you are not firm in your stance and haven't given a clear 'no' yet. He chose to have the children so he gets too watch them. If you want to watch them from time to time, you get to say what the limits on that are. Say no and 'topic closed'. Tell him what you are prepared to do.

Where does this expectation of his come from? Did he spend a lot of time being cared for by his own Gran?

All I ll say is those precious moments don’t ever come back, before you blink the 2 year old will be 12 then 20 and you may so wish you could have that time back
It sounds as if your husband doesn’t have much to do with any grandkids care either, perhaps neither of you are very toddler orientated and that’s ok if your aren’t, everyone’s different
An hour or two a week isn’t much is it ? But as your posts come across you work full time from home , have exercise classes in the week visit your Dad he’s in memory care does that mean he’s in a care home? So you have a full life which doesn’t really leave room for grandchildren and that’s absolutely fine
I d love to have my grown up grandkids back to being little again meeting them out of school taking them to the beach having them on sleepovers kisses and cuddles building memories
We are all different