Right or wrong.

What a spoiled, self-indulged, ungrateful son you have! You did the right thing in going ahead with your plans for a day out. I help out with childcare for my DD's but they would never have behaved that way.
I hope he has had taken time and opportunity to think about his behaviour, acknowledge that you have a life of your own and apologise for behaving like a spoilt brat.
Incidentally, if the GC had a tummy bug why would you son think it was ok for you to be any where near him?

I agree with all who say it is his problem. I may have offered to pay for a taxi in that instance to make it clear just how determined you are to enjoy your rare day out!

It shouldn't matter whether your partner is your son's father or not. He's grown, you have a life of your own. Even if you had no partner, you're under no obligation to take him.

It's rather like the situation at work. If you are never suddenly off sick, or otherwise unavailable, you are taken for granted - and others underestimate what you do.

One morning I seriously hurt my leg, when nearly there (rushing in) - and couldn't walk, but hopped in. The college nurse took me straight to hospital. Apparently, all hell broke loose - and I received a call about my 'unauthorised absence'!

Perhaps, Edge26, it's time to be unwell?

After looking at all your comments about my post it made me feel so much better. Now I have another story.
After looking after my GS's today my Son had another go at me demanding that I always put him and my GS's first before anyone else and saying I don't care about my GS's. Even saying if I am out with any of my sister's I drop everything to see to their needs. He calls me selfish because I want to do want I want to do because I am retired. I am so angry I feel like washing my hands off him but if I did this I would lose my GS's. My DIL has now said that on the other days I don't look after my GS's then there will be no facetime or calls and if they want to speak to Nanny they can call her mom. That hurt me as none of her family ever come over to help out saying they live to far away( 25 miles ) .

I know what my answer would be.
2 words, and the second one is "off!"

Oh no! Now the blackmail starts. What bullies they are.
Stand your ground. Their behaviour is unreasonable. Don't argue. It is beyond discussion. You make your own boundaries.
The ingratitude is astonishing - really.

MissAdventure

I know what my answer would be.
2 words, and the second one is "off!"

Mine too MissA - or a polite way would be telling them to Foxtrot Oscar

You aren't wrong at all. I wouldn't want to put you at risk of getting a stomach bug in his position.

Is this unusual behaviour for him? Obviously he has said twice that you should put him first and he has no right to demand that but is there a time he should have come first and didn't?

I only ask because many people are under a great deal of stress right now, many people have developed depression and anxiety and other mental health problems and there is usually a reason, even if that reason is not something we understand, for most changes in behaviour.

Try to be patient and ask him where this is coming from and see if you can find out together why he is feeling like this.

Also though, you must protect yourself, set boundaries and stick to them.

Edge26, never let them try to control you like that. You are not a doormat. It's time to stand your ground and demand some respect.

It may help to calmly write them a carefully worded letter - reminding them of all you willingly do to help, stating your boundaries and making it crystal clear that you have a right to your own, independent life.

I agree with everyone else, what a rude and unpleasant man.
You certainly do your bit, he just sounds like a spoiled, jealous kid.

Good grief, of course you were right!! Bloody cheek. Did you raise him to be so entitled, or has he learnt it somewhere else? If it was anything other than grandchildren, that would be it for me. I wouldn’t want them to lose out though, just because they’ve got selfish parents.

Enjoy your days out. I’d have more of them now.

VioletSky,
No, this is not unusual behavior from him. There have been many times I have had to let my OH and family down to help them through one thing and another. There was one incident when he demanded i take him to town as my DIL had got their car as his phone had broken!!( I didn't). He even said the other day that when the pandemic started I should have put them first before my OH and been in their bubble as they were more important. My OH who I have been with for 18 years won't speak to him now because of the way he has been treating me.

I am old school and see the man as provider and woman as carer. Perhaps your son should man up and work harder. Maybe he can get second job. If he earned enough his wife wouldn't need to work. Time he faced up to his responsibilities and stop running home to mummy when there is a problem.

Your DiL has said no contact with GC except for childcare - has your son sanctioned this? Absolutely appalling behaviour.
Perhaps its time to stop being a doormat.

I think a spoilt boy has grown into a spoilt man reading between the lines. You need to state quite clearly to them that you will help on days when you are available, certainly no more than twice a week, and the other days you will be living your own life. They’ll huff and puff but they will need you for childcare before you need them. If you allow your son to treat you like this he will continue to do so, so will your DIL and eventually so will your grandchildren as this is learned behaviour. Time to get tough.

I think that you have to be firm and stick to your boundaries. He is used to having a tantrum by the sound of it. I don't think you would ever give him enough. He sounds so self centered.

Edge if you haven't already i would offer him some reassurance that he is important to you and you love him very much but, he is asking too much and it's putting a strain on you.

I do wonder if this is coming from somewhere on his side, some feelings that happen in childhood follow us into adult hood, like abandonment issues when parents get divorced or even small things that are forgotten by others that we aren't even aware have impacted us and how we relate to our family members. That really is something he would need to talk through with you though if he needs to rather than this sort of behaviour.

Obviously you don't want to not have a relationship with him and the grandchildren so, arguing won't help so you need to teach him what you do not find acceptable and really develop some strong boundaries.

If he makes unreasonable demands on your time and energy you have to be firm, No justifications, no excuses, no pointless explaining "I'm sorry I can't help you today, I really hope you get x problem sorted and you are all ok/feeling better soon/able to find a solution"

We all need help and support from families sometimes but that's a balance between adults when we become them and we do what we can out of love, not obligation because we don't have any.

Hope you had a nice day out, you did the right thing.
He and his partner/ wife are responsible for their own child and as adults should be quite capable of that.
He should be considerate enough to not want to expose you to a stomach bug, he is the one being selfish.

I think you are absolutely entitled to choose to run your life as you want to.

I suggest you speak to your son and explain that much as you love him and his family and much as you love to help when you can, he is expecting too much and more than you can give alongside your other commitments. Tell him that you choosing to go out with your husband is not about you loving him and his family less, it is about you having your own life to live. Tell him that you are not sitting waiting for him and his family to need you, but that you do want to help when and if you can.

You do need to set some very clear boundaries with him and his expectations. I also think that he needs to understand that his behaviour is actually bullying! He may not mean it to be but it is! I don't know where all his anger is coming from and it may be worth considering past events in his life that might link to his OTT reactions now to you not doing what he wants, when he wants it.

I am sorry you are facing this

I'm glad you put your day out first Edge and I hope you managed to enjoy it.

You need to have a talk with him and remind him that he's a husband and father and his family is his responsibility not yours.

As this is not unusual behaviour, my advice is to pull back a not be immediately available whenever you're needed. As Forsythia has posted "time to get tough".

You have a life of your own which you're entitled to enjoy without being emotionally blackmailed for not being at his beck and call.

Edge26

After looking at all your comments about my post it made me feel so much better. Now I have another story.
After looking after my GS's today my Son had another go at me demanding that I always put him and my GS's first before anyone else and saying I don't care about my GS's. Even saying if I am out with any of my sister's I drop everything to see to their needs. He calls me selfish because I want to do want I want to do because I am retired. I am so angry I feel like washing my hands off him but if I did this I would lose my GS's. My DIL has now said that on the other days I don't look after my GS's then there will be no facetime or calls and if they want to speak to Nanny they can call her mom. That hurt me as none of her family ever come over to help out saying they live to far away( 25 miles ) .

Well two can play at that game. I'd let DIL know if nanny can't have facetime and calls then they can't have childcare. Don't undervalue yourself, they obviously need your support so don't get walked on. I speak from experience, don't be me.

Thank you all. Guess what, I was asked to pick my GS's up on Weds ( DIL normally drops them off ) as she had picked up the virus and was having the afternoon off work. Yesterday , I started feeling poorly and came down with the virus. I wasn't very happy and neither was my OH, because if my DIL was poorly she should have told me to keep away from their house until she was better. I told my Son this morning that I had picked up the bug from DIL, but all he said was," we've all had it so it dosen't matter that the you have." I was livid!!. Again he accused me of being selfish and said him and DIL were going to try and change their work shifts so I don't have to look after the boys anymore. I can't repeat some of the things he said to me and there would be to much to write anyway. I have tried to explain to my DIL my feelings as one mother to another but all she said was ," take care of yourself but leave us all alone" so have decided that's what I will do . She knows I love the boys, and have always been willing to look after them when she is at work, and will be devastated if I don't see them.

Edge why didn't you say no to picking up GS if you knew DIL was unwell? I'm not sure how that one is DILs fault. What is "the" virus? I am assuming not covid as that's not just an afternoon off work.

Why has this discussion about you getting the virus led to you not having your grandchildren at all? I think you are going to have to explain what has transpired here for us to understand.

They are horrible and blackmailing you

But this is the thing - they are the parents and they will play the card if they want to
They know you would be devastated if you dont see the kids.
They hold all the power
I am sorry you are in the situation - eventually they would drop you when they have no use for you as the kids grow.
Personal boundaries are so important. You teach others how they treat you

I agree with violetsky