Right or wrong.

Perhaps your OH was cause to a break in a prior relationship that mattered to DS. Perhaps DS is selfish and acting out to you. Perhaps you could slowly begin less childminding?

Maybe the person you give priority to, should be the person who gives You the most support?

As much as I love my grandchildren, I would be the one cutting all contact with the family if their parents were to treat me like that.

Edge I asked because I have been reading all your comments and there is a common theme in them:

That son thinks you should put him first and he and his children should come before your partner.

I understand that you don't want to talk about it but it seems obvious to me that there is something there and you might have an inkling why your son feels this way.

Whether or not you agree with how your son feels and the demands that you put him first, I think you have to remember that for your son, those feelings are real and are having an impact on him.

You don't want to be cut off from your grandchildren so you can't engage in arguments with him, you need to set those boundaries and stick to them politely.

You need to protect yourself from getting viruses when you know his family have them.

It takes 2 people to have an argument so wherever this is coming from you can only be responsible for your behaviour and whether or not you listen to your son so that this can be resolved before you end up in a full on estrangement situation.

That's my thoughts after reading what you have said anyway. You can choose to go with "selfish ungrateful son" etc but I don't think that will get this situation resolved for you.

VioletSky,
I'm sorry I can't answer your question. as it's to personal.
I am glad of all the advice I have been given as I can put thing into perspective.

Hithere

They are horrible and blackmailing you

But this is the thing - they are the parents and they will play the card if they want to
They know you would be devastated if you dont see the kids.
They hold all the power
I am sorry you are in the situation - eventually they would drop you when they have no use for you as the kids grow.
Personal boundaries are so important. You teach others how they treat you

?

It doesnt matter if they get on or not really.
Son and dil just have to be reasonable.

Edge is there a reason your son doesn't see you and your partner as a unit? Do they not get on?

VioletSky,
Yes, you are correct, I should have said no to looking after my GS's when I knew I could pick the virus up. ( it's Norovirus ) but because I wanted to let my DIL have a few hours rest that's why I did it so yes I was in the wrong. My son told me a while ago that now I am retired it is my duty to look after my GS's which I took umbrage to and this is why things are how they are. They have always said I should put them first before my OH. The reason they have said they don't want me to have any contact anymore is because when I mentioned about me catching the virus from them they said I was out of order and that it was an excuse not to want to see my GS's. I have tried to talk to my Son and DIL about things but it always seems to go pear-shaped. I can't seem to make them understand that I love my GS's and love looking after them.

I’m afraid your son acted like a spoilt child, I would be reminding him what I do for him, and if I want a day out I’d be having one, his child, his problem! I would be reading him the riot act, you sound a lovely grandparent, I too help with grandchildren when asked, but I none of my adult children would speak to me in this way

I am worried, things are already bad with son, now they have escalated to not being involved in care for the grandchildren, DIL has now seemed to side with your son. This is not a good path to be on for you at all.

I'd be done childminding for Son and D.i.l. They can take care of their own child and CoVid problems.

I agree with violetsky

They are horrible and blackmailing you

But this is the thing - they are the parents and they will play the card if they want to
They know you would be devastated if you dont see the kids.
They hold all the power
I am sorry you are in the situation - eventually they would drop you when they have no use for you as the kids grow.
Personal boundaries are so important. You teach others how they treat you

Edge why didn't you say no to picking up GS if you knew DIL was unwell? I'm not sure how that one is DILs fault. What is "the" virus? I am assuming not covid as that's not just an afternoon off work.

Why has this discussion about you getting the virus led to you not having your grandchildren at all? I think you are going to have to explain what has transpired here for us to understand.

Thank you all. Guess what, I was asked to pick my GS's up on Weds ( DIL normally drops them off ) as she had picked up the virus and was having the afternoon off work. Yesterday , I started feeling poorly and came down with the virus. I wasn't very happy and neither was my OH, because if my DIL was poorly she should have told me to keep away from their house until she was better. I told my Son this morning that I had picked up the bug from DIL, but all he said was," we've all had it so it dosen't matter that the you have." I was livid!!. Again he accused me of being selfish and said him and DIL were going to try and change their work shifts so I don't have to look after the boys anymore. I can't repeat some of the things he said to me and there would be to much to write anyway. I have tried to explain to my DIL my feelings as one mother to another but all she said was ," take care of yourself but leave us all alone" so have decided that's what I will do . She knows I love the boys, and have always been willing to look after them when she is at work, and will be devastated if I don't see them.

Edge26

After looking at all your comments about my post it made me feel so much better. Now I have another story.
After looking after my GS's today my Son had another go at me demanding that I always put him and my GS's first before anyone else and saying I don't care about my GS's. Even saying if I am out with any of my sister's I drop everything to see to their needs. He calls me selfish because I want to do want I want to do because I am retired. I am so angry I feel like washing my hands off him but if I did this I would lose my GS's. My DIL has now said that on the other days I don't look after my GS's then there will be no facetime or calls and if they want to speak to Nanny they can call her mom. That hurt me as none of her family ever come over to help out saying they live to far away( 25 miles ) .

Well two can play at that game. I'd let DIL know if nanny can't have facetime and calls then they can't have childcare. Don't undervalue yourself, they obviously need your support so don't get walked on. I speak from experience, don't be me.

I'm glad you put your day out first Edge and I hope you managed to enjoy it.

You need to have a talk with him and remind him that he's a husband and father and his family is his responsibility not yours.

As this is not unusual behaviour, my advice is to pull back a not be immediately available whenever you're needed. As Forsythia has posted "time to get tough".

You have a life of your own which you're entitled to enjoy without being emotionally blackmailed for not being at his beck and call.

I think you are absolutely entitled to choose to run your life as you want to.

I suggest you speak to your son and explain that much as you love him and his family and much as you love to help when you can, he is expecting too much and more than you can give alongside your other commitments. Tell him that you choosing to go out with your husband is not about you loving him and his family less, it is about you having your own life to live. Tell him that you are not sitting waiting for him and his family to need you, but that you do want to help when and if you can.

You do need to set some very clear boundaries with him and his expectations. I also think that he needs to understand that his behaviour is actually bullying! He may not mean it to be but it is! I don't know where all his anger is coming from and it may be worth considering past events in his life that might link to his OTT reactions now to you not doing what he wants, when he wants it.

I am sorry you are facing this

Hope you had a nice day out, you did the right thing.
He and his partner/ wife are responsible for their own child and as adults should be quite capable of that.
He should be considerate enough to not want to expose you to a stomach bug, he is the one being selfish.

Edge if you haven't already i would offer him some reassurance that he is important to you and you love him very much but, he is asking too much and it's putting a strain on you.

I do wonder if this is coming from somewhere on his side, some feelings that happen in childhood follow us into adult hood, like abandonment issues when parents get divorced or even small things that are forgotten by others that we aren't even aware have impacted us and how we relate to our family members. That really is something he would need to talk through with you though if he needs to rather than this sort of behaviour.

Obviously you don't want to not have a relationship with him and the grandchildren so, arguing won't help so you need to teach him what you do not find acceptable and really develop some strong boundaries.

If he makes unreasonable demands on your time and energy you have to be firm, No justifications, no excuses, no pointless explaining "I'm sorry I can't help you today, I really hope you get x problem sorted and you are all ok/feeling better soon/able to find a solution"

We all need help and support from families sometimes but that's a balance between adults when we become them and we do what we can out of love, not obligation because we don't have any.

I think that you have to be firm and stick to your boundaries. He is used to having a tantrum by the sound of it. I don't think you would ever give him enough. He sounds so self centered.

I think a spoilt boy has grown into a spoilt man reading between the lines. You need to state quite clearly to them that you will help on days when you are available, certainly no more than twice a week, and the other days you will be living your own life. They’ll huff and puff but they will need you for childcare before you need them. If you allow your son to treat you like this he will continue to do so, so will your DIL and eventually so will your grandchildren as this is learned behaviour. Time to get tough.

I am old school and see the man as provider and woman as carer. Perhaps your son should man up and work harder. Maybe he can get second job. If he earned enough his wife wouldn't need to work. Time he faced up to his responsibilities and stop running home to mummy when there is a problem.

Your DiL has said no contact with GC except for childcare - has your son sanctioned this? Absolutely appalling behaviour.
Perhaps its time to stop being a doormat.

VioletSky,
No, this is not unusual behavior from him. There have been many times I have had to let my OH and family down to help them through one thing and another. There was one incident when he demanded i take him to town as my DIL had got their car as his phone had broken!!( I didn't). He even said the other day that when the pandemic started I should have put them first before my OH and been in their bubble as they were more important. My OH who I have been with for 18 years won't speak to him now because of the way he has been treating me.