Different grandchildren different needs

3 years ago My son fell in love with a woman who has 3 girls. He has a girl and boy of his own and they now have a daughter together. His girlfriend has placed huge expectations on me and I think those expectations will and are creating a wedge between me and the family she invisions. I had/have a very close relationship with my 2 grandchildren. They were/are my world. My sons girlfriend expects me to give her girls the same quality time because I no longer have 2 grandchildren, I have 6. Poof! Her girls are being raised with the belief that everything is equal. I’m their mom mom. My grandchildren are independent humans and have had an amazing fun time with me. I planned on spending some time with my grandchildren alone Christmas Eve before the family arrives and it has caused drama and hurt feelings before it’s even happened! There is no compassion or understanding for me. My time with them has changed, my life changed when my son separated from their mother and there seems to be no respect at all for my relationship with my biological grandchildren. Her girls are sweet, I love them, on holidays and birthdays they are treated the same. When I visit, she hovers She controls the environment and I go with it. I don’t agree that all get punished. Because I work in a chaotic environment and 6 kids in a household is chaos for me, I don’t stay long. That’s who I am. I’ve mentioned spending time with her girls by separating them and she says no never! I don’t believe that I have to sacrifice my time with my biological grandchildren children because of her beliefs. When I’m in her home, her rules apply, but I’m my own person. I think she is setting her girls up to only see what isn’t fair to them instead of explaining to them how this family came to be, who I am and how lucky we are to have each other. Her Mother does nothing with them, does not babysit or help her out. I feel so pressured to give up and shut up and I can’t do that. I feel like I’ll have to sneak my quiet time in with them or not have it at all. What are your thoughts?

I love them all very much, and it’s fun and lively having them all round together with the parents. Each to their own of course....but one thing I won’t do is overnight stays. I can cope with anything during the day...but the evenings/ nights are ours, unless it’s an emergency.

I had four children, and don’t want that level of involvement again, it’s their parents turn.

Thank you for these replies x

I used to have five cousins for two weeks in the summer holidays I found it easier than one to one because they played with each other and I only had to intervene now and then

Neen I also have my grandchildren to stay, on an individual basis, throughout the summer and at other times I have some of them together. They are of course all very different in personality and to a lesser extent in upbringing, but they all know, even the two year old, that granny’s house means granny’s rules and so their behaviours here are often very different to when they’re at home.

A short while ago one of my grandsons (aged 8) was being taken to task by his mum for some unruly behaviour and she challenged him that he doesn’t behave like that for me. He answered ‘that’s because granny is strict and has rules’ and when she said she should be stricter and have more rules he responded with, ‘oh no, it’s not the same’.

I love spending time with my grandchildren and I’m gratified that although they have the option to stay with me or not they still choose to come and stay. We do lots of things together when they’re here, but they also have opportunities to get ‘bored’ and make their own fun - and they’re not allowed technology at all or to watch TV except for a very limited time.

That I find myself exhausted by the end of the summer is more to do with my age and limited fitness than their behaviours.

Yes, my now teenage grand children were always very civilised as young children and lived with us for a few years. Lively but manageable.

The other two from my older son are 5 and 7. They are very ,very lively and excited about life. I am glad they don't live with us. Of course we are 10 years older than when the teenagers were little. That make a huge difference. I love them all, but they are quite different.

We had two boys and that is unlike two girls imo.
Keep up the good work Neen.

Hetty58
You sound lovely.
Thank you for such a though out reply

Neen, yes, I do tire more quickly these days - and I've noticed that my grandchildren (some more than others) seem to expect an awful lot of attention.

My four children got some attention, of course - but rarely was it undivided or lengthy. I was terribly busy (being widowed, working and studying) so they were expected to amuse themselves, play together, do chores - and be pretty independent from an early age.

I do believe it was good for them too. They'd just have to come and find me if I was needed. I carried on with what I was doing most of the time.

My grandchildren simply haven't had that sort of upbringing. They've been constantly supervised and entertained. They've had instant attention and feedback, the constant company of an adult - and they've never had to wait for anything.

One, in particular, will follow me like a puppy if I nip out of the room. She panics if she doesn't know exactly where I am (in the loo, for instance) so screams and shouts for me. She even switched off the vacuum as she couldn't stand not being heard. I do find it all a bit intense and claustrophobic - and very, very tiring!