Help! I’m new at this!

It might be helpful to remember how you felt as a new mum, I felt once a week visits would be too much. YMMV

Many congratulations Newnan1. I absolutely love being a grandparent and adore my granddaughters. I’m a people pleaser too - which can be a bit of a disadvantage at times. I would suggest once a week for a visit as well if suitable for your DIL and ask if you can do anything to help whilst there (which I’m sure you would anyway). My DD has twins who are nearly 4 years old and I was asked to help out a lot in the early day’s following the Caesarian birth. I did wait to be asked as I didn’t want to push myself. I did feel at times that I was in the way, so I had to be wary of that, even though I’d been asked to help. A minefield! I did find - and still do - that my DD’s MIL was treated exactly the same as me. Maybe that’s because by DD gets on extremely well with her MIL. I do feel though that DD is far more tolerant of her MIL than she is of me! It wasn’t always an easy time in those first few weeks of the twins’ birth, because DD was exhausted, even with help. All the best! You’ll love being a grandmother/nan - it’s a very special time!

Bibbity

I have no Grandchildren. My eldest is 7. So I feel that as the Post newborn phase is so recent I can assist.

If your family is happy with seeing you so often. Great.

But the odds are that as they have not reached out more. That once a week is more than enough.

More than that would have irritated me a lot.

Genuine question.... why would it have irritated you? I find in RL that all the grannies I know see lots of their grandchildren.... wheres on GN once a week is seen as too much..... its Thursday now and I've seen my grandchildren 4 times for various reasons.... and I work ..... I love seeing my children as much as I love seeing my GC

I love my family. They are wonderful.
But just after giving birth, absolutely not. I like my space.

Even 2 years pp later with work and school, and clubs. I just don’t want to socialise to much.

Just ask them when would be an okay time to visit. Im sure they are getting used to the new baby and need private time but believe me, they know you are excited about the baby too.

you don't need to establish a relationship with the child at the moment.
that's not what they need.
they need their parents and to get into routines.
don't crowd the parents.
if they need you they will ask.

The best way to form a bond, is with quiet kindness. Going once a week is fine and much much more than many GPs have.

Where things seem to fall down is when the parents perceive a criticism. I have 8 GC fro. 27 years to toddlers. Each of my children raise their children differently. Child care advice has constantly changed over the years.

Sometimes, accidentally a GP can say the wrong thing, so I would say steer clear of talking about your own experiences of child rearing and never comment on theirs. Always speak to the parent directly, rather than through the child.

Keep visits short and offer to help, while you are there.

How much did you see them before GC arrived? I’d imagine that would be your baseline unless they specifically ask for more help?

Congratulations new gran just let your son and daughter in law know you are there for them should they need anything. It’s an emotional time for everyone you will be asked for help when need be. I can guarantee when they are in need of help or something for baby you will be asked. You will always get sound advice on Gransnet.

I must admit I used to see the parents for the same amount of time before my GC came along
They had a very busy schedule before baby arrived.
I do offer help & let it be known that I am happy to help whenever
I suppose I just need to calm myself down a bit, I think it just comes from the worry that the maternal GP’s will have a better bond - that’s my problem, not anyone else’s

To be honest I don’t think it matters how often you see them to have a good relationship with them.
I see my two infrequently but when we do we get on really well. It is quality not quantity.

Wait until you are invited but when you are there show that you are pleased to be asked and show interest then.

I'm a maternal GP but I was always mindful of the paternal GP particularly as two of my GC are their first GC, hope that makes sense.
It's important to acknowledge that it's not a competition either, my FIL always took great delight in making sure everyone knew how much he had spent on GC birthday gifts etc.
Have you considered actually taking to your DS & DIL about all this? Explain that it's all new to you and you don't want to appear pushy and overbearing but neither do you want to appear distant either.

Just to say I wouldn’t do as a pp suggested and offer to take the baby out in the pram yet. I wouldn’t have wanted anyone taking my two out at that age and I’m pregnant with DC3 now and won’t be letting anyone do so this time round either. I’d wait to be asked or offered the chance to do that.

I’d say once a week is fine if that’s how much you saw them before. Just maybe let them know you are available more frequently if wanted/needed and maybe next time you see DIL say to her that you are available to help if needed.

Fact is I haven't a clue how often my GC meet up with their other GPs or what they do with them and that suits me fine. I've no desire for a competition and am very pleased with the inclusion I currently have. We all get together for the GC birthdays and those are decidedly congenial gatherings. My relationship with GC is joyful and they seldom mention the other GPs. I presume the situation is the sme
C

same in reverse.

OP

Thank you for realizing that your expectations could be the problem.

Once a week for 2 hours is amazing!
6 weeks for you may have felt like 2 weeks for them - the perspective of time is not the same for you as it is for the new parents.

Parental vs maternal grandparents- let's not generalize this myth
It all depends on the relationship you had with both parents of the child before pregnancy, your relationship with your son before and after he got married

It's a minefield alright. Once a week is plenty so count your blessings of you see your GC that often. I would say twice a month is more than enough. It's hard for the parents to get organized to see people when the baby's so young. Give them space if you want to be a good gran

I also think once a week is fine for visits. Reading between the lines, it appears you are worried that the maternal grandparents visit more often than you; this is quite normal in the early days ( young mums recovering from childbirth/surgery understandably feel more relaxed with their own mums) but it doesn't necessarily mean that the maternal grandparents will have a closer bond with the baby. I would also offer to help with chores when you visit, rather than concentrate on the baby. Taking round a meal or some shopping I am sure would also be very welcome.

Congratulations!

I’m a mother to an almost two year; I sometimes comes here for advice and perspective.

My mother in law was very much at odds with us when it came to her expectations about “helping” and how much she would be visiting. She was expecting a lot more than we were comfortable with.

It says a lot that you have taken the time to read up (and realize their needs arent personal against you), are trying to be respectful of their space, and want to word things correctly.

I wouldn’t overthink what you’re writing, but I would try to manage your expectations of how often to visit and what those visits look like. I would also try to not make comparisons about who you think will have a stronger bond with this new bundle of joy. It’s not a contest and it’s unlikely an infant is truly going to bond with anyone besides their primary caretakers. Most of the time, that’s mom and dad. I assure you that if you’re visiting more than once a month, you will grow a strong bond with your grandchild. If anything, allowing a healthy little bit of space can create the air relationships need to breathe and flourish.

Each growing family is going to vary in their need for help, as well as space or time together. For me, weekly visits were the most I could comfortably manage. I would’ve preferred once every other week, but my MIL actually wanted to visit multiple times a week. So once a week (twice max) was our compromise.

Please also understand that not every new family wants help, and try to recognize what you consider help maybe not be considered help to them. My mother in law viewed her helping role as coming here, holding my newborn the entire time, telling me to go do something else, and resisting giving my child back when he fussed or we wanted to nurse. She also constantly gave unsolicited advice and comments about feeding, what she did differently with her own children when they were babies, why she thought current guidelines were silly, etc. True help for us would’ve been asking us to text a grocery list or bringing our favorite takeout so we could focus on our child. Grandparents are NOT servants and under no obligation to help with household chores, but if asked, many parents would welcome help with emptying the diaper bin, folding laundry or emptying the dishwasher. Those were simple chores that we often found ourselves weighing against a few minutes of sleep.

What you’re describing sounds more like a visit, so I’d phrase it as such. Everyone is different, but I actually would’ve preferred a text saying, “How are you all doing? Would it be okay for me to visit on x day for a couple hours?” rather than constant calls and texts saying, “I can come help!” when I knew her definition of help was the opposite of what we needed or were comfortable with.

Don’t forget that this is a marathon and not a sprint. Your grandchild won’t remember these first years, but they will remember the memories you build in later years.

Newmom101

Just to say I wouldn’t do as a pp suggested and offer to take the baby out in the pram yet. I wouldn’t have wanted anyone taking my two out at that age and I’m pregnant with DC3 now and won’t be letting anyone do so this time round either. I’d wait to be asked or offered the chance to do that.

I’d say once a week is fine if that’s how much you saw them before. Just maybe let them know you are available more frequently if wanted/needed and maybe next time you see DIL say to her that you are available to help if needed.

I agree, NewMom. In later months, I was happy to have my MIL take our son out for walks. But I couldn’t bear to be separated from my newborn for that long. We were constantly pressured for alone time walks (as well as for sleepovers) from day one. It wasn’t about not wanting my MIL to spend time with our son; I just honestly couldn’t handle being away from our child for more than a handful of minutes in those first weeks.

Daisy79

Newmom101

Just to say I wouldn’t do as a pp suggested and offer to take the baby out in the pram yet. I wouldn’t have wanted anyone taking my two out at that age and I’m pregnant with DC3 now and won’t be letting anyone do so this time round either. I’d wait to be asked or offered the chance to do that.

I’d say once a week is fine if that’s how much you saw them before. Just maybe let them know you are available more frequently if wanted/needed and maybe next time you see DIL say to her that you are available to help if needed.

I agree, NewMom. In later months, I was happy to have my MIL take our son out for walks. But I couldn’t bear to be separated from my newborn for that long. We were constantly pressured for alone time walks (as well as for sleepovers) from day one. It wasn’t about not wanting my MIL to spend time with our son; I just honestly couldn’t handle being away from our child for more than a handful of minutes in those first weeks.

I fully understand that some mums wouldn't want anyone taking their young baby out in the pram, but is it really so wrong for a grandparent to suggest it - as long, of course, that they 100% accept any refusal by the parents and don't attempt to make them change their minds in any way?

Mamacaz

Yes, yes it is

If it comes from the parents of the child, then it is ok

Hithere

Mamacaz

Yes, yes it is

If it comes from the parents of the child, then it is ok

But why? I genuinely don't get it - not as a general rule to be applied by all families, anyway.

Such a rigid, one-sided stance on this just seems so strange to me. Still, all families are different.

It seems that I am so fortunate to have two lovely DiLs who took no offence at my offer of help, if they wanted it, right from the start. Quite the opposite, they were delighted.

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I can think several reasons

Imagine your wish to be a mother is finally a reality and you just want to enjoy your baby

It is common for the mothers to become very protective of the baby - biologically increases the chances for survival

It also depends on your relationship with the parents of the child and the person suggesting it