Help! I’m new at this!

It's fine saying that it's up to the parents, nothing to do with the GPs. You can't argue against that even if it doesn't fit with what your own family did. However, when the GC are a little older and a night out with DH might be welcome, then it is totally OK for those GPs to say, oh I don't want to go out on a winter night, get a baby sitter. And when the child-care costs are mounting and you need someone to pick them up from nursery or look after them when they have a virus & can't go to nursery or childminder- if you have GP locally you might consider asking them. But if your attitude has always been that they have to wait to be invited before coming to see their GC, then really you shouldn't be asking them to give up their time to help you out with childcare, you should be waiting until they offer. But maybe you'll be lucky enough never to experience a childcare crisis, so go ahead and ration your baby's new GP's contact to once a fortnight strictly by appointment only.

.... "if your attitude has always been that they have to wait to be invited before coming to see their GC, then really you shouldn't be asking them to give up their time to help you out with childcare, you should be waiting until they offer"

Of course, nobody said GP is on call.

Hithere

I can think several reasons

Imagine your wish to be a mother is finally a reality and you just want to enjoy your baby

It is common for the mothers to become very protective of the baby - biologically increases the chances for survival

It also depends on your relationship with the parents of the child and the person suggesting it

Those reasons you give are excellent reasons why a mother might not want / might turn down offers of help, but still don't, for me, explain why it is unacceptable across the board for a grandparent even to offer.

However, this has strayed from the OP.

She has made the 'offer of help' (albeit, it seems, as a roundabout way of asking to visit).

The offer has not been taken up, which I think us an equally subtle indication that help/a visit is not currently welcome.

I think she would be wise to take the hint, and accept that, for the time being at least, the new little family want their own space, and she should leave the ball in their court, so to speak.

Post petunia anxiety is very common. For some the pressure of such requests can cause worry and stress.

Worrying about someone wanting to take the baby and the judgment. Feeling pushed into a corner. A lot will cave in when they don't want to and then spiral when the baby is gone.

From my point it was better for people just not to put me in that position.

valdali

It's fine saying that it's up to the parents, nothing to do with the GPs. You can't argue against that even if it doesn't fit with what your own family did. However, when the GC are a little older and a night out with DH might be welcome, then it is totally OK for those GPs to say, oh I don't want to go out on a winter night, get a baby sitter. And when the child-care costs are mounting and you need someone to pick them up from nursery or look after them when they have a virus & can't go to nursery or childminder- if you have GP locally you might consider asking them. But if your attitude has always been that they have to wait to be invited before coming to see their GC, then really you shouldn't be asking them to give up their time to help you out with childcare, you should be waiting until they offer. But maybe you'll be lucky enough never to experience a childcare crisis, so go ahead and ration your baby's new GP's contact to once a fortnight strictly by appointment only.

So you should go against what you feel is right to leverage possible childcare later?! That’s ridiculous.

Some women (myself included) needed more time without visitors. Many Visits were too much in the early months. People were asked to check before they came over.

Childcare was done later as agreed by both parties. Grandparents were never guilted for saying no. Everyone is allowed to have their own lives and preferences.

I think there's a right way and a wrong way to do it. If you say, just once, "I realize that at this time you understandably want to spend as much time as possible with your baby. But just so you know, when you're ready, if you're wanting a baby-sitter at all, I'd be happy to help. No pressure, I just want you to know it's on offer." That's one thing. But if you're constantly asking to have the baby alone, you're being passive-aggressive (e.g. telling baby that Mommy/Daddy are being mean and won't let you have them alone), you're insinuating that you don't see the baby enough - that's a problem. That's a HUGE problem.

agnurse

I think there's a right way and a wrong way to do it. If you say, just once, "I realize that at this time you understandably want to spend as much time as possible with your baby. But just so you know, when you're ready, if you're wanting a baby-sitter at all, I'd be happy to help. No pressure, I just want you to know it's on offer." That's one thing. But if you're constantly asking to have the baby alone, you're being passive-aggressive (e.g. telling baby that Mommy/Daddy are being mean and won't let you have them alone), you're insinuating that you don't see the baby enough - that's a problem. That's a HUGE problem.

Well put ?

And just to add, it would be lovely if requests to grandparents for childcare were expressed in such considerate, no-pressure way, too.

I would say that you understand they have to get into a routine but when they feel ready, you would be more than happy to babysit or of course visit, when it suits them. If they don’t do that perhaps ring up once a week to ask how they are and baby too, that you’re thinking of them. I never put any pressure on mine and dil mother always seemed to be there, but I still got to see them and it was a different relationship to what they had with the other grandma, but we made the most of what we had.

MamaCaz

I agree. The flip side of this, absolutely, is that grandparents are certainly not obligated to care for grandchildren. If they are willing to do so, wonderful, but if they can't or won't, it's unfair of the parents to expect it.

Ask yourself how often you saw your son prior to baby? There is no reason to see son and d.i.l more than before babies birth.

In fact, you may see them less than pre baby as they are busier than before

I was asked and pressured every single visit. I began to dread visits because I constantly felt like I needed to defend and protect the decisions we alone were entitled to make. Asking once is one thing. Constantly asking, which puts the parents in an uncomfortable spot, is very different.

*my apologies for forgetting to use quotation marks. This was in response to MamaCaz’s question of whether it was really so wrong to want to go out with the pram. Asking/offering once is very different than bringing it at every visit or nearly every visit.

I have 3 sons and 5 grandchildren. I said to each of them the offer of help is always there, just let me know if you need it. I then stepped right back and let them get on with their lives. I just remember my very pushy and intrusive in laws so I’ve never pushed for contact. Just keep everything very relaxed and be grateful for what you get.