Alienation from Grandchildren

How often 'falling outs' are at the root of family estrangements.

I sometimes think anger management and conflict rsolution should form part of the school curriculum!

My DiL and I used to get along fine. I guess i should have mentioned a falling out we had over 2 years ago. I have tried several times to mend our relationship to no avail. Its obvious during my visits she no longer cares for me or my presence. She ignores any attempts I make at small talk etc. My grandson has repeated things to me that his mother said and they weren't exactly nice. I wish the children could be left out of it. I have come to the point of accepting I will never be in my DiL's favor but to have her saying things that may affect my grandson's relationship with me is a hard thing to accept. But I don't have any control over the situation. I must take what i can get or not see them at all.

Pehaps she is on the defensive and, rightly or wrongly, thinks that you do not approve of her or thinking that you are there to judge her parenting skills.

You may know that you are doing anything but it doesn't stop her thinking that. Could slowly but discretely praising her parenting skills and admiring them and saying about probems you had help. If it works, it will not be overnight, but it might gradually.

My DiL watches over every minute of my infrequent, awkward visits. My grandson often looks her way before speaking as if he needs approval for what to say. He's not sure what he is allowed to tell Nana. Its so obvious. My DiL has become very almost overbearing with my GS constantly seeking his attention away from me while i'm visiting asking for hugs and kisses, showering him with affection and attention. Of course he loves it and has become a bit of a mama's boy during the time I've been restricted from him. To the point that he adores Disney princesses and everything related. He is 5 years old and all he asked for Christmas were princess castles, gowns and the like which is what he received. For the record I don't care if boys play with dolls and I don't care if my GS one day decides to identify as another gender, or whether he is a blue collar heavy equipment operator or a ballet star. I wouldn't love him any more or less based on any of that. I guess my point is just the over bearing-ness vibe I get from her.

wellbeck Thanks but you have misunderstood. I was merely saying don't worry to other posters. It happens. sometimes you jus have to do other things. Mine was taking a call from a solicitor. No choice I just wanted to tell other grans that they can suddenly 'go off' you and not to worry. I hope I have helped some grans. ]smile]

well probably she did.
plenty of adults feel slighted if they are talking to someone and that person then just ignores them to make/take a phone call.
isn't she entitled to have her own feelings, reactions to how you behave.
you can't expect unalloyed adoration or approval.
that would be creepy.

To other posters regarding grandchildren. I was playing happily with my granddaughter the other day and stopped playing to talk on the phone. Grandpa played while I talked. She would not have anything to do with me when I came back. It was a while before she would even speak to me. She is two. Children can be very funny sometimes. Did she feel abandoned or cross I left her?

Suzie without understanding all the details, could you contact them, their mum? Send a little package with gifts for the children? A simple message, 'saw these/this and thought of you' and see what happens. To Smileless and Calm, I wonder if they feel a bit guilty at the time of contact? and then sleep on it and think' Well, I did my bit/duty? and then just go back to their life and back to how it was? I don't really know. Dreadful.

"My 3 1/2 year granddaughter is becoming increasingly rude and hostile …"

How is she rude and hostile?

Take no notice, children change opinions often, phases as others have said.

5949jjs Children at that age do that kind of thing, as your daughter says it is a phase her daughter is going through. Ignore it.

For several years at that age my DGS actively ignored me and idolised his grandfather. We would come to the front door, he would do a body swerve round me to get to his grandfataher and more or less avoid me. I got the cold shoulder for a year or more.

I am, perhaps, more emotionally robust than you. I completely ignored it and was completely unphased by it. I just treated him the way i treated his sister, who never went through this stage, I didn't try to force attention on him and I ignored his avoidance.

Then one day we all went for a family walk through a local wood. Both children started building little dens then DGS decided to build a tiny village made of sticks. The others wandered off but I just stood by him and he began to tell me what he was building and what kind of sticks etc he needed, so I just collected what was needed, I asked about the construction and made a few suggestions. After half an hour, we decided to join the others and he held my hand as we walked along chattering about what we had done. Phase over

The main thing to remember is that it is nothing to do with you. It is a phase some children go to, a little step of independence that she doesn't have to like everyone she is expected to like. Perhaps she likes you a lot, but resents yu going home. There is no understanding exactly what is going on in a childs mind at that age.

Your daughter has got it right, ignore it, it is a phase she is going through. She is trying to wind you up. If you respond that is great and she will try to wind you up further. Ignore it and it will wind down. if no one responds when you try to wind them up, its a bit pointless.

It is a phase, and the more you react, the more fuel you add to the fire.

Children are fickle, and they can be very manipulative, if you let them.

Just carry on visiting, but take the focus off your grandaughter, and I'm sure she will come round.

H1954

"we took the decision not to make them see us"
How is it possible to make our GC see us?

Maybe they meant that they didn’t keep pushing the parents for a resolution in order to protect the DGC from the fallout?

My 3 1/2 year granddaughter is becoming increasingly rude and hostile …just to me it seems. It’s got to the point I can’t face visiting my daughter which is basically once a week. She makes it very clear and actually says she doesn’t like me. It’s been a gradual build up and her parents just brush it off as a phase. I feel very ostracised and distraught. Anyone else experienced this? I’ve honestly done nothing to instigate this but my daughter makes it very clear it’s not up for discussion

"we took the decision not to make them see us"
How is it possible to make our GC see us?

Well done Kathy, I can't do links .

I hope you find the thread OK Suzil, a new one with the same title was started this morning. I'm going to pm you.

?

www.gransnet.com/forums/estrangement/1303382-SUPPORT-for-all-living-with-estrangement

I have searched for it so I could bump it up for you, but the search facility here isn't the best.
Hopefully someone will be able to find it for you, because it does exist (despite the search telling me "no results")

I have tried a number of times to find the thread support for all living with estrangement can anyone help direct me to this I am very new to the site. Thanks to everyone who read my comments and the advice support offered it helps to know I am not alone.

It's cruel Calmlocket and your analogy of throwing a hook, reeling you in and then cutting the line, is spot on.

Horrible situation to be in. My sympathies. Especially hurtful when after your healing they sling you a message then nothing again. Very disrespectful. The pain is the most awful kind. It's very very damaging. I hope you can eventually learn to accept that it's not your fault they act like this.

I hope your son and ex dil have a custody agreement and he can see his kids.

Could he facilitate a relationship with his kids?

Yes Smileless it was/is better not to hear from them as it just stirs all my emotions up. Its like them throwing a hook and line reeling you in then cutting the line! Why? it makes no sense to me at all.

Isn't it better not to hear from them at all Calmlocket? Last year almost 8 years since he estranged us our son sent me an email two days after my mum died.

This year he did the same thing when his dad's mum died I mean what's the point, you respond to them because it would impolite at the very least to ignore them but you hear nothing else.