Alienation from Grandchildren

I’m sorry you’re in that position. It’s very very difficult.

I’m in the same situation myself and have been for a number of years. My love for my granddaughter and my yearning for her has not changed but I’ve had to learn how to adapt and change my way of coping with her lose and find other ways of taking care of myself and others. It all takes time.

There’s a thread on here SUPPORT FOR ALL LIVING WITH ESTRANGEMENT. It was invaluable to me in the early days. Have a look. Lots of good sound advice from caring and kind posters there.
In the meantime know that you’re not alone living this dreadful ordeal.

I'm sorry I don't have much in the way of advice on how to resolve the situation you describe. Except to say, focus on yourself and the things and people who make you happy.

How did it come to be that you discovered she had told lies about those things?

FWIW you've done the right thing not trying to force contact with your GC Suzi.

We've been estranged from our son and only GC for almost 9 years so like Granniesunite, I understand how heartbreaking this is.

The best thing you can do it talk to others who know what you're going through because they are, or have gone through this too. Take a look at the support thread on the estrangement forum suggested by Granniesunite.

Knowing you're not alone can be surprisingly comforting at such a difficult time.

You might find it helpful to join the Support for all those estranged thread Suzil974 where others have similar situations to deal with regarding grandchildren, as others have already suggested

Ive not seen my adult grandaughters for over 7 years, their choice not mine. Earlier this year I got a generic email from younger grandaughter out of the blue telling me that she had got married! I admit I was very upset that she didnt email me personally. I did reply to her and congratulated them both and never heard back from her. Over a month ago I got an email from my older grandaughter to tell me that she was 3 months pregnant, I replied and congratulated her and her husband and Ive not heard anything back. Im confused as they both made it clear that Im not part of their life yet both contacted me with their news. Their mother, my older daughter who Ive not seen or heard from in 7years sent me an email last year at the start of covid to see if I was ok, I replied never heard back so I emailed again only to be ignored!

Isn't it better not to hear from them at all Calmlocket? Last year almost 8 years since he estranged us our son sent me an email two days after my mum died.

This year he did the same thing when his dad's mum died I mean what's the point, you respond to them because it would impolite at the very least to ignore them but you hear nothing else.

Yes Smileless it was/is better not to hear from them as it just stirs all my emotions up. Its like them throwing a hook and line reeling you in then cutting the line! Why? it makes no sense to me at all.

I hope your son and ex dil have a custody agreement and he can see his kids.

Could he facilitate a relationship with his kids?

Horrible situation to be in. My sympathies. Especially hurtful when after your healing they sling you a message then nothing again. Very disrespectful. The pain is the most awful kind. It's very very damaging. I hope you can eventually learn to accept that it's not your fault they act like this.

It's cruel Calmlocket and your analogy of throwing a hook, reeling you in and then cutting the line, is spot on.

I have tried a number of times to find the thread support for all living with estrangement can anyone help direct me to this I am very new to the site. Thanks to everyone who read my comments and the advice support offered it helps to know I am not alone.

I have searched for it so I could bump it up for you, but the search facility here isn't the best.
Hopefully someone will be able to find it for you, because it does exist (despite the search telling me "no results")

www.gransnet.com/forums/estrangement/1303382-SUPPORT-for-all-living-with-estrangement

?

Well done Kathy, I can't do links .

I hope you find the thread OK Suzil, a new one with the same title was started this morning. I'm going to pm you.

"we took the decision not to make them see us"
How is it possible to make our GC see us?

My 3 1/2 year granddaughter is becoming increasingly rude and hostile …just to me it seems. It’s got to the point I can’t face visiting my daughter which is basically once a week. She makes it very clear and actually says she doesn’t like me. It’s been a gradual build up and her parents just brush it off as a phase. I feel very ostracised and distraught. Anyone else experienced this? I’ve honestly done nothing to instigate this but my daughter makes it very clear it’s not up for discussion

H1954

"we took the decision not to make them see us"
How is it possible to make our GC see us?

Maybe they meant that they didn’t keep pushing the parents for a resolution in order to protect the DGC from the fallout?

It is a phase, and the more you react, the more fuel you add to the fire.

Children are fickle, and they can be very manipulative, if you let them.

Just carry on visiting, but take the focus off your grandaughter, and I'm sure she will come round.

5949jjs Children at that age do that kind of thing, as your daughter says it is a phase her daughter is going through. Ignore it.

For several years at that age my DGS actively ignored me and idolised his grandfather. We would come to the front door, he would do a body swerve round me to get to his grandfataher and more or less avoid me. I got the cold shoulder for a year or more.

I am, perhaps, more emotionally robust than you. I completely ignored it and was completely unphased by it. I just treated him the way i treated his sister, who never went through this stage, I didn't try to force attention on him and I ignored his avoidance.

Then one day we all went for a family walk through a local wood. Both children started building little dens then DGS decided to build a tiny village made of sticks. The others wandered off but I just stood by him and he began to tell me what he was building and what kind of sticks etc he needed, so I just collected what was needed, I asked about the construction and made a few suggestions. After half an hour, we decided to join the others and he held my hand as we walked along chattering about what we had done. Phase over

The main thing to remember is that it is nothing to do with you. It is a phase some children go to, a little step of independence that she doesn't have to like everyone she is expected to like. Perhaps she likes you a lot, but resents yu going home. There is no understanding exactly what is going on in a childs mind at that age.

Your daughter has got it right, ignore it, it is a phase she is going through. She is trying to wind you up. If you respond that is great and she will try to wind you up further. Ignore it and it will wind down. if no one responds when you try to wind them up, its a bit pointless.

Take no notice, children change opinions often, phases as others have said.

"My 3 1/2 year granddaughter is becoming increasingly rude and hostile …"

How is she rude and hostile?

Suzie without understanding all the details, could you contact them, their mum? Send a little package with gifts for the children? A simple message, 'saw these/this and thought of you' and see what happens. To Smileless and Calm, I wonder if they feel a bit guilty at the time of contact? and then sleep on it and think' Well, I did my bit/duty? and then just go back to their life and back to how it was? I don't really know. Dreadful.

To other posters regarding grandchildren. I was playing happily with my granddaughter the other day and stopped playing to talk on the phone. Grandpa played while I talked. She would not have anything to do with me when I came back. It was a while before she would even speak to me. She is two. Children can be very funny sometimes. Did she feel abandoned or cross I left her?