Daughter's first baby: am I being selfish wanting to be around to help?

What surprises me a lot from many posts is the eagerness of grandparents wanting to see the newborn but no mention of their son/daughter/sil/dil at all.

Hello! I am in exactly the same position, my daughter is also 33 and has just had her first baby. I too, live several hours away, while her in-laws are just 1 hour away. I desperately wanted to see the baby when he was born, but no visitors were allowed in the hospital and I was told not to come. Needless to say, the in-laws were round at the house in a flash as soon as she was discharged. Anyway, I was told that I could only come once the Dad's 2 weeks of paternity leave were finished, and that I could stay for 4 nights and help her manage jobs around the house. I have just come back from this visit and it was fine, but I did feel that I was sent home packing! I have just told her that I am free to come and help any time I am needed (I don't work!) I understand that they want to establish their own little family and that I will only ever be a special visitor now and not regularly involved with my grandson because of the distance between us. I think just be supportive and let her know you are there if she wants you. I know that my daughter and her husband thought they were pretty prepared, but nothing can really prepare you for the reality of the relentlessness of looking after a brand new baby in the early weeks. Feed/burp/change/sleep, then as soon as you try to grab a sandwich it all starts over again!

I haven’t read all the responses, but if I’d just met you, I’d say I know how you feel. We can’t help how we feel. It’s what we do about it.

You’re a long way from her, so it was probably always going to be the other set see the baby first. Just play the long game. Focus on the fact that, you’ve had your children, and your turn at being with babies 24/7. It’s no longer necessary.

It you could fast forward 20 years....you may find your memories are of not seeing the baby too much in the early weeks, which I personally don’t think anyone should. It’s time for the parents and only the parents. Just my opinion. However....in your memory, will be loads of time spent with your grandchild, as she/ he grows.

Don’t hanker. Be patient. You will reap the rewards.

There is lots of amazing advice here. Just approach the situation as instructed and let it grow from there - organically (as they say).
Two of our four children are parents and we see the GC as often as we can. There are no rules.
Btw, we also value our time without the GC. Don't give your life over to being a grandparent. Keep some space for yourself and your friends/partner/whoever.
Trust me, the new parents will be loud and clear if they need you (more so, if they feel you have a life of your own).
You're going to love being a grandparent. Good luck! xx

My daughter in law had fixed plans of being just her and my son that completely changed when my now 7 month old Grandson was born. She needed me every night for the first 2 weeks! I respected her original plans without question. Having her original plan helped her feel organised. She knew that I was there for her whatever as I’m sure is the same for you.

I totally understand. I wasn’t ‘wanted’ when the baby was born, I thought it would be like my mother and mother-in-law there for support, help and advice, but instead the door was slammed in my face on day one.

However, things have changed now. The new parents have realised that child rearing is much harder than they imagined and they welcome everything I do. I just make myself useful, buy things to help out with out being pushy and I give advice when it’s requested.

My advice is give it time, there’s lots to come in the child’s life that you to be involved with and it will be a one-to-one relationship with that little person. Nothing is better.

songstress60 that is a little unkind to modern parents. When I had my children I was in hospital for the first few days and the nurses strictly made sure rules (to keep the mother well rested and relaxed) were adhered to. Now the new parents often are home on the day they give birth, hence now the poor parents having to lay down rules themselves. (And having to make themselves unpopular in the process)
Even with that first bit in hospital, my mil barged into our new family unit and inserted herself into everything the day we got home. I wish now I had laid down some rules, because it bred a resentment of my mil I still have to this day and set us up for terrible relationship. We get on and I go round often to do shops, and take the her to appointments etc, but I don’t care for her one jot.
IMO it’s sensible and in the best interests of family harmony to have the rules laid out so that it is transparent and clear what the new mum and dad need.
My dil and ds1, are marvellous parents and got on with all of it without much help as dils mother is in poor health and their family is very small (and because of Covid I can’t enter their country). Not all young families require help.

My God all these new rules. Parents to day are so precious and dictatorial that it must be very off putting for grandparents. Glad I don't have kids. My sister was grateful for my mother staying with her 2 weeks after the birth of her son, and my mother would have welcomed any help. She lost her mother at the age of 16. Her mother was only 46, and her mother-in-law who she was close to died a day after I was born, so these new mothers should start being a bit more appreciative of what they have!!

My first grandchild arrived this Summer, and I live 200 miles from their parents. We were being sensible because of Covid and agreed they would manage on their own. I was upset (though was careful to keep that to myself) but also philosophical, hearing of others who didn’t see their new grandchildren for many months in Lockdowns. The new Mum was unwell after the birth, as it happened, and I was summoned after all. It was an infection which resolved in a matter of days with antibiotics, not too serious, but was debilitating for a few days. I was told my help at that time was invaluable (and I got to cuddle the baby after all ). So I would advise to play it by ear, anything can happen and you may be needed more, and for longer, than anyone anticipates.

Unless new grandmothers have retired, they may have demanding jobs of their own. I ruggedly had to cope entirely on my own in the early sixties. educating myself from Dr Spock as there wasprecious little outside help in Northern Ireland at the time. I had one visit from a district nurse when my son was about thre weeks old. There had been no ante natal classes. As I had never had anything to do withbabies in any way. I just thought it normal to struggle on. My older husband had no idea how to deal with babies and thought that women instinctively knew what to do. Things seem very different now. There is so much outside help, that Grandma is rather redundant.

I think I know how you feel in a way, having been sidelined by my children (not that you have). The other mothers in law of my four children are much favoured by my four children, much as it grieves me to say. I think it’s a combination of the following; I worked full time, I don’t drive, I live in a small house which isn’t child friendly; steep stairs and hardly any room. I’m married to a lovely man who thinks the world of my children, having none of his own but it bloody hurts that my kids turn to the in laws before me. No help, sorry, just my thoughts.

I have four children and a grandson. I guess I lean more toward allowing parents to take the lead and set boundaries. My own mother stayed with me a bit over a week with my firstborn and fewer and fewer days with each successive child.

Honestly what feels like helping to the person offering can feel overwhelming to the person on the other end sometimes.

I have been very up front with my son and DIL about their right to refuse any offer of help. It’s worked out well for us.

Grandparents IMO don’t have a right to impose their will on their children.

My daughter’s parents-in-law were far more involved than I was and did far more than I ever could. They were quite hands on, very active and ‘enviably’ healthy. I felt like an ‘extra’ on a film set. Sadly, my daughter is now divorced. They adore the grandchildren and help out now with school runs etc ……wonderful people, but I don’t see them as often now.

GraceQuirrel

When she’s had it she will change her mind, they have no idea what’s about to hit them!

I find this “trueism” really cruel.

This might not be the case. It’s unfair to wind people up that they will get what they want in time.

It’s also really disparaging on new parents. They might need help, or they might thrive!

When I had my first daughter 35 years ago I smear a c section & stayed in hospital for 10 days. All of my family & friends visited for the 2 hour day time visit & my husband did the evening visit . When I went home my husband had a week off of work to look after baby & I . My mum then drove the 20 miles to help me every day for the next week . Making dinners , washing & ironing etc .& letting me recover . Now a days they are only in hospital 1 or two days even with a c section so I can understand how the new mum & dad want a bit of time with their new baby in their own home before everyone descends in them . I would maybe book an extra night wherever you are staying just incase your daughter realises she does need more help after all . If she doesn’t then you are going to have to accept her decision. When your son in law goes back to work your daughter might appreciate you staying then

Just do as she asks those pregnancy hormones are all over the place and they will be once she’s given birth My daughters just wanted me to cook meals clean house and do washing .If they wanted help with the baby they’d ask and yes I was a midwife but it’s there baby and even if I didn’t agree I kept silent

Five of your paragraphs, rosierary, begin with "I", one with "My", and one with "She".

It suggests to me, along with their content that, yes, you are being selfish or at least self-centred.

As others have said, it's not about you. I hope this thread has helped you see that. I hope you enjoy being a granny on your daughter's terms.

I've a couple of thoughts on this, based on my own feelings when my first DD was born. Maybe your DD feels uncomfortable to be seen struggling to cope- hopefully this will pass as she feels more confident. Also, as others have said, she doesn't want the extra work of a house guest but feels guilty having to ask you to pay to stay in a B & B, so is suggesting a short initial stay.
If you and your daughter are as close as you say, I'm betting she will ask you back to stay longer once your SiL goes back to work and she is getting back on her feet.
I think new parents are having to make these rules because there is no-one else who does. When I had my first we stayed in hospital for a week, visiting times were limited, as were the number of visitors allowed at one time and nap times were sacrosanct. Curtains could be drawn when breastfeeding and there were nurses to help during the night. Relatives accepted this as hospital procedure and there was no bad feeling!

The baby won’t know who saw it first. Your DD may find she would like you there for longer when it comes to it. How about going with her request but gently say if she finds she wants you there for longer you would be able to stay on

Wish I’d had someone like you when I had newborns! I had no one, apart from husband, who worked long hours. It was blooming hard. We don’t appreciate what we’ve got til it’s gone!

Hi, and I'm so sorry that your daughter is being so prescriptive, I'll let you into a secret though, by the time your daughter gets home from hospital, it's quite likely that all the plans will have gone out the window, they will both be exhausted, your daughter will be tearful, and only one person will do; YOU!

At the birth of my daughter's second baby, I was charged with looking after big sister who was very excited about HER new baby's arrival.The agreement was that once born, I should take her to the hospital, where her dad would meet me and take over whilst I should wait until handed my granddaughter back. In fact I got her to the hospital but at that point was invited in as well. Just as well as I noticed that baby was too cold so was able to quietly go out and ask for midwife assistance without a fuss.

I stayed a week longer than planned as my daughter was exhausted, did the cooking and the laundry, and generally stayed in the background.

Just wait until it happens and it may well change

Firstly - please don't get upset that SIL's family will see baby before you do - they live nearby! - and it is their GC too!

I should accept what your DD has asked for - you may find that, come the day, she might be wanting you to stay a bit longer, but if not, so be it.

I remember going to see DD3 at home shorty after she had given birth and there were a number of people around, including her MIL. I was not the least upset that she had seen the baby before me - we just shared our delight.

After a while I went to leave, as I could see that the place was a bit crowded, but DD stopped me and said please stay Mum, I want you here - so I did.

People are all different: DD1 wanted me there at her 3 births (one ended in emergency C-section, one arrived very speedily before I got there; and - bingo! - I was there for one of them); DD2 wanted me there immediately afterwards: DD3 did not want me there at all.

All fine by me - they each did what they wanted and I helped them in the way that they chose. All good.

I know a new child is exciting; but as others have said, we have to accept that it is simply not about us and our needs/wants. If we can do what our DDs need, then we have done well; even if it is not exactly as we might have wished.

Please try not to spoil the joy of new life with resentments.

I remember just wanting my husband at home with me and our first child. When he went back to work I then appreciated my mums company and help.Give then some time together and then suggest staying for a few days say when baby is about three /four weeks old.

There is a better chance to things going well into the future - if you follow your daughter's guidance. Enjoy nice peaceful BnB.

Rosierary - your daughter's in-laws live close, you don't so unless you're actually for the birth you will have to accept that they will see the baby before you do, and you will also have to accept that there will be a different relationship between them and the baby and you and the baby - distance will ensure that. However, that doesn't mean that the quality of the relationship will be any the less, and you should also consider that once the baby is here your daughter may change her mind and want you for longer. For the moment I would just run with the flow - do what she and your son-in-law have planned - it's their baby. Good on you for making it clear you don't want to stay though - that takes a big pressure off them to ask. As a grandma who lives very close to her grandchildren I can see the effort my daughter makes when her in-laws from a few hundred miles away come to stay and the pressure it puts on bathroom usage and normal living. You will do fine in your self-catering accommodation.