Daughter's first baby: am I being selfish wanting to be around to help?

You may well find your daughter wants you around far more than she anticipates when all the fuss and excitement of new baby settles down. I’d aim to be the most chilled, relaxed, encouraging and supportive mum to your DD and SIL possible and the grandma role will naturally develop positively. I’m close to my mum and she was great in early days but it ended up being my MIL who had the most to do with my children in the end as she was the one who was always there in an emergency and prepare to inconvenience herself far more in the long term than my mum was. As a result she’s the one my children turn to and are close to. It’s a bit of a shame really but ultimately we tend to gravitate the most towards those who help us parent well over the long term. Enjoy what you’re given and have low expectations of involvement but always be there when asked/needed and it will probably work out fine. Play the long game & pick your battles carefully.

I've recently become a Nanna for the second time. This is my dd first baby and she and partner are so cohesive and supportive of one another. It his hard knowing where the line is sometimes but we are guided by them. We live just 15 mins away and both work so time can be limited.
A key element to all this is wanting your daughter and her little family to thrive independently. Be there I'd they need you and give them time to be alone and learn. My dd has a book which is her Mummy bible she reads about everything and there's much more 'science' behind parenting today! I am happy that they are happy and having had a difficult first experience of grandparenthood (all settled and part of family history now) its all I want for them.
It can be a minefield and you need to grow a sightly thicker skin but it's soooo worth it!
Enjoy finding your way around this new situation and settling into the level of support they need!

When she’s had it she will change her mind, they have no idea what’s about to hit them!

I am quite sure your daughter will be tickled pink to have you there. This sounds like are trying to get some control before the birth. We all know the best laid plans go awry. I would say to go with the flow. I do know what you mean about wanting to be the first Grandma to see the baby. I felt exactly the same, but found that we all loved the babies the same. It didn't matter in the end.

I think that sometimes new grandparents can be guided by their own experience as a new parent. My first baby was born 5 days after I had a major eye operation. I was in hospital for 3 weeks in all. My DH meant well but hadn’t a clue how to help me. There was no other help and I managed in the end. I think I assumed that my DDs would manage too. However I didn’t want them to have the same start to parenthood that I had and told them to let me know if they needed help. They did! Stand back and wait and see. My GC are older now and we have a strong bond. There’s no hurry.

My only grandchild is a toddler now. There are three sets of grandparents in the mix due to my son-in-law's parents being divorced. We all love our little grandson very much and therefore he gets the best of all of us. Ourselves and another set of grandparents have moved from a considerable distance away to be nearer our families (the other granny has a daughter locally so it was a great move for her) and it's worked out very well for us too. I would say that we actually do see him more, mainly because at the moment we do a couple of days a week childcare, and did actually see him first - but at the end of the day it honestly doesn't matter. Having him is such a joy, we know we're all lucky. These young women are very opinionated and my daughter decreed many things that either haven't happened or have been overturned. Your daughter may be the same. The best advice I had from my sister-in-law who already had grandchildren is that it's often necessary to bite your tongue!!!! Relax, enjoy your beautiful grandchild and go with the flow would be my advice. As you're close to your daughter I'm sure all will be well.

Pap67

EssPee….
Wow… don’t hold back will you? Too harsh. ?

????????????

If I were you I would go along with whatever your DD & SIL ask of you, even if you feel hurt. I saw my DGS (he's now 12) for the first time when he was a few weeks old and wasn't allowed to touch him at all. I hid how I felt (and cried buckets when I was alone after they'd gone) and time passed. It transpired that her father, my ex, who I divorced for physical and mental abuse, had given her a large sum of money to help with the new family provided I was kept out of the picture. They needed the money.

They live at the opposite end of the country so visits are few and far between because we all work. Like you, it's a 10 hour round trip.

Having not seen them at all for two years, they came to see me a short while ago. When I opened my door to them, my grandson dived into my arms, squeezed and held on for several minutes. He was glued to my side the whole time they were here.

The point I'm making (badly, I admit) is that the child will know how much you love them, even if you don't see them as often as you'd like. Being the first to see them really doesn't matter, although it may feel like the end of the world to you right now (and I truly understand that). Those hugs told me exactly how he feels about me and will stay with me forever.

So keep the peace, hold your tongue, take what is offered and do it with a smile.

To be honest I don’t understand why anyone needs someone else to help them, my eldest is 46 her father took two weeks off work and did everything that needed doing and we bonded together just the three of us.
When my daughter had her first I asked her when I could go to visit and went four days later as she requested.
I understand the distance is a big factor for you but apart from obviously wanting to see the baby as soon as possible why do you need to be there to help it’s not as if there are school runs or anything, can’t her husband do the shopping and cook

most grandparents ive met are overwhelmed with the birth of a grandchild, and want to spend as much time as possible with or near them, distance allowing of course.The dynamics are rarely simple, in my case , my DIL is strange to say the least, and this puts a strain on all concerned.All very sad, but ive retreated to maintain my sanity.In an ideal world............

Ilovedragonflies

If I were you I would go along with whatever your DD & SIL ask of you, even if you feel hurt. I saw my DGS (he's now 12) for the first time when he was a few weeks old and wasn't allowed to touch him at all. I hid how I felt (and cried buckets when I was alone after they'd gone) and time passed. It transpired that her father, my ex, who I divorced for physical and mental abuse, had given her a large sum of money to help with the new family provided I was kept out of the picture. They needed the money.

They live at the opposite end of the country so visits are few and far between because we all work. Like you, it's a 10 hour round trip.

Having not seen them at all for two years, they came to see me a short while ago. When I opened my door to them, my grandson dived into my arms, squeezed and held on for several minutes. He was glued to my side the whole time they were here.

The point I'm making (badly, I admit) is that the child will know how much you love them, even if you don't see them as often as you'd like. Being the first to see them really doesn't matter, although it may feel like the end of the world to you right now (and I truly understand that). Those hugs told me exactly how he feels about me and will stay with me forever.

So keep the peace, hold your tongue, take what is offered and do it with a smile.

Omg I’m so sorry your ex did that but never mind how much I needed the money I would have told him what to do with it if I had been your daughter
It must have hurt you so much, grandchildren don’t get influenced by money thankfully, they are influenced by the love, attention and fun they receive from us

I'm just mortified she expects you to stay in a b&b tbh

Make them meals they can have in freezer and cook in microwave or whatever and and mind baby while mum has shower or Dad gets to walk dog if they have one, or have dog to stay with you while they are learning to be qith the baby if there is a dog...its what I did...

Missiseff really? Guessing the mum and dad wants some time with just the 3 of them until the dad has to go back to work.
Having a guest in the house is extra work and the husband/dad might feel he has to host etc.
I think the best advice is to leave them to it and wait to be asked, and once dad goes back and the days are cavernous and long, her daughter might very well welcome her mum to stay and help out. But new mums remember vividly the comments and pressure of family and friends, I think best to avoid that and be supportive.
I haven’t met my grandchild yet as they live abroad and foreigners can’t travel there yet, but I make do with zoom, and look forward to hopefully seeing them all in 2022. The baby won’t remember which granny they met first, though I understand the stab of jealousy, as I have experienced that myself but I didn’t make a fuss, and asked the other nanna to keep me updated with her news on baby too.

I would be offering cooking, cleaning, errands such as post office parcels, dry cleaners, sterilising bottles ,if used, etc unless it would be stepping on employed cleaners toes. Shopping too. Mums generally want to spend time with newborn. Also she will prob have visitors, mw, or other from doctors. Newborns make chores go out the window. Plus baby blues if she home afterwards very quickly. I only thing I would want is pictures of babys face, feet and hands to put into album as they grow. Good luck. Dont be too concerned who sees baby first. My sister never got her grandson as DIL laws mother snuck in. She had photos but said ok, when mil gets overwhelmed, I will snuck in when hes outa nappies. Day trips ,no bottles to take. It was win win for her. Mil got tired of being called on all the time. Lol

I think the biggest change is the how much paternity leave for husband and expectation that he will be fully involved. Good. When I had my second, 300 miles away from mum and my husband due straight back to work, and a toddler to look after I thought it was great that mum came up to stay and cooked a cleaned and made tarts with my little daughter, I just hung around reading, having visitors and breast feeding. Lovely time. My husband was never competitive for attention.
So now husband would be on leave and doing the chores etc … mmm I think I’m glad I had it the old way
if my daughter had had children there I’d no way her husband would have let me stay. My DIL told me her parents were going to be at the birth but I was not to be there. I didn’t expect to be! My son had oodles of paternity leave so didn’t worry at all. I think I first saw them when a few weeks old but then nowadays we have videos snd phones with photos.

Agree with other poster.....why do you have to stay in a BandB!!!

I think it’s all been said really. Go along with whatever your daughter wants. However, I would suggest that first time parents don’t realise how life changing that little bundle can be. I wouldn’t be surprised if your daughter realises she’ll need your support for longer than she thinks. As the mother of girls, grandmother and mother-in-law I’ve learned to smile and go along with whatever maintains peace and harmony. This is a happy time, enjoy it!!

Battle of my Brides
On Sunday my younger daughter L is marrying a fantastic, kind man and they clearly adore each other. The problem? … she and my older daughter C haven’t had anything to do with one another for more the a year since, through a genuine misunderstanding, both booked their weddings for the same month, April 2022. Because of Covid and other considerations L has brought her wedding forward to Sunday and older daughter C has postponed hers to the end of next year.
Their dad and I had really hoped and prayed that one of them would have at least moved towards building a tiny bridge by now as I’m sure in years to come they will both bitterly regret not attending each other’s weddings - particularly as neither will now be getting married anywhere near April next year - the date they fell out over in the first place!
It’s been hard for all of us not having older daughter C there to help with and be part of the planning and excitement of this momentous occasion, especially as we are just days away from it.
I wondered if any of you have experience of this kind of heartbreaking falling out and whether you have a glimmer of advice?
Thank you for ‘listening’.

I’m sorry I think I’ve posted this in the wrong place

My daughter is due at Christmas and I live with her and her fiancé so will be there always. I full understand if they want me to get out if the way. I will be there to make sure they have proper meals, cups of tea and feed the pets.
I hope the other grandparents who live an hour away will be involved too, it will take the pressure off me. But the decisions won’t be mine.
Enjoy your new grandchild when you can, it’s not a competition x

Gosh I wish you’d been my mum. She breezed in, looked at the baby and said he looked like an alien, then disappeared. Didn’t see her for months and struggled like heck for 7 weeks til I had to return to work…

Firstly, congratulations. It sounds like you are going to be a lovely gran. Just listen to what your daughter and Sil want. Please don’t use the phrase “in my day we did …..
Keep calm and enjoy them all under their terms.?

As others advise - just go with the flow and accept what your daughter says she wants now. Her husband may be on hand to help, but from my experience when the reality of being new parents happens they may be glad of all the help they can get. You may get a summons sooner than you expect. The reality of night feeds may also mean that you are staying in that ensuite sooner than you expect as well.
I get the feelings of granny envy too. I had pangs of it and kept telling myself off for it.
Very best wishes for when the baby comes for all your angst to fly out the window and for lovely days with your daughter and your grandchild.

Actually it is exhausting doing baby care, new mum care, cooking and laundry. Getting away to the B+B means you will get a good night's sleep and a decent breakfast. The new parents don't actually realize how much work is involved.
It will all be o.k. in the end.
New mum's are programmed to be neurotic. I was myself but it doesn't take too long before everyone finds their niche.
If you have time, get some treats for yourself to enjoy back at the B+B. Nice book, nibbles, mini bottles of favourite wine or ready mixed G+T in cans. Nice shower gel and body lotion, you get the idea. Whatever works for you. No one will let the newborn perish. Have a lovely time and be the easy-going granny.