Daughter's first baby: am I being selfish wanting to be around to help?

Hi Rosieary! My only daughter is due in 2 days with her first and I am perplexed as well as what she wants my role to be , and all the feelings that go with not feeling wanted or needed. And being so excited at the same time for her. My daughter has always been very independent and confident. And has been her whole pregnancy so I’m getting used to not feeling needed .
I understand your feelings very much .it’s not selfish it’s just natural normal feelings as mothers for our daughters !
I do believe how they think today will change as the weeks go on and our support and help will be wanted !
It is different today with the paternity leave that dads get, it’s their time to start figuring it out without another person underfoot. That’s as far ahead as they can think. So that’s maybe why she’s said that schedule for you. My son in law only has 5 days available so I’m betting she’ll be more inclined to want my help starting week 2 and on. Be patient take your cues from her , think big picture … there’s lots of time ahead for you to be there . Congratulations ?the best times are yet to come!

Rosierary

Thank you so much everybody for all your words of wisdom. I am particularly touched by the more compassionate and empathic posts and..more relaxed! If I could work out how to comment on individual posts, I would, but hope a general appreciation will suffice.

Thankfully most people on here are empathetic and compassionate however you will get the odd one or two……?

Go happily with what they want. Children are very adaptable and you have ages to be a gran! For now the important thing is that the baby and parents have a bit of time to settle.

hebburnset - perfect comments

Lots of good advice here Rosierary. I won't repeat what others have said, but just go with the flow, give the new parents some time alone to settle in with their little one. I'm sure if they need your help they'll ask for it. You will get to meet and spend time with your new GC in due course, and by then I'm sure the parents will be more relaxed in their new role and you'll all enjoy the occasion more.

We have another GC (10th) due any day now, but we'll do as we've always done: call them, congratulate them, send flowers etc, admire the photos they'll send us and look forward to meeting our new GC when it's convenient for them, probably at Christmas. That's absolutely fine with us. We are good friends with all our DIL's parents, so no issues there. Our son has three older children so by the time they visit us they will be an organised, relaxed family unit and we should have a wonderful Christmas. If they can't come at Christmas then we'll just have to wait a little longer. C'est la vie.

When my first son was born my Mum (who had been a midwife) wanted to be present at the birth 'to keep an eye on me', she thought it was very odd for fathers to be present. Absolutely NO WAY was I having her there!!! I know she would find fault with, and comment about, everything the hospital did. I went home on a Thursday and all the grandparents invited themselves over on the Sunday and stayed all day for lunch, dinner and tea. At least there were plenty of baby cuddlers while DH and I cooked and made endless cups of tea.

When second son was due Mum offered to stay to care for eldest son while I was in hospital. Very kind of her. But the day I returned home she and our son were ill. I went home with a 4 day old baby to care for, and my Mum and a two year old throwing up (and worse!) all over the place. Food poisoning! My Mum had cooked frozen chicken for their dinner and son said his was very cold in the middle but nanny had told him to finish his dinner. DH was working 12 hrs a day and couldn't help out with all the extra washing and cleaning it caused. I was furious with my Mum and as soon as she could travel in the car without being sick DH took her home. She never admitted it was her fault, she said DS was jealous of the new baby and it had made him ill.

Third son: When I went into labour at about midday my Mum just happened to be at our house. I didn't say a word to her. I quietly waited for DH to come home from work at 8.30, gave him his dinner, then brought my hospital case downstairs and told him to start the car. Mum was shocked that I had not told her all day. I left saying "I'll probably be back tomorrow. Don't cook for the boys!" DS3 was born just 15 mins after we arrived at the hospital, and I went home the next day, and so did Mum under protest. I was immediately back in my normal routine doing all the school runs, shopping etc, all on foot, but with an extra child in tow. It was preferable to having my Mum stay any longer! My health visitor was impressed and said it would keep me fit!

Rosierary - your daughter's in-laws live close, you don't so unless you're actually for the birth you will have to accept that they will see the baby before you do, and you will also have to accept that there will be a different relationship between them and the baby and you and the baby - distance will ensure that. However, that doesn't mean that the quality of the relationship will be any the less, and you should also consider that once the baby is here your daughter may change her mind and want you for longer. For the moment I would just run with the flow - do what she and your son-in-law have planned - it's their baby. Good on you for making it clear you don't want to stay though - that takes a big pressure off them to ask. As a grandma who lives very close to her grandchildren I can see the effort my daughter makes when her in-laws from a few hundred miles away come to stay and the pressure it puts on bathroom usage and normal living. You will do fine in your self-catering accommodation.

There is a better chance to things going well into the future - if you follow your daughter's guidance. Enjoy nice peaceful BnB.

I remember just wanting my husband at home with me and our first child. When he went back to work I then appreciated my mums company and help.Give then some time together and then suggest staying for a few days say when baby is about three /four weeks old.

Firstly - please don't get upset that SIL's family will see baby before you do - they live nearby! - and it is their GC too!

I should accept what your DD has asked for - you may find that, come the day, she might be wanting you to stay a bit longer, but if not, so be it.

I remember going to see DD3 at home shorty after she had given birth and there were a number of people around, including her MIL. I was not the least upset that she had seen the baby before me - we just shared our delight.

After a while I went to leave, as I could see that the place was a bit crowded, but DD stopped me and said please stay Mum, I want you here - so I did.

People are all different: DD1 wanted me there at her 3 births (one ended in emergency C-section, one arrived very speedily before I got there; and - bingo! - I was there for one of them); DD2 wanted me there immediately afterwards: DD3 did not want me there at all.

All fine by me - they each did what they wanted and I helped them in the way that they chose. All good.

I know a new child is exciting; but as others have said, we have to accept that it is simply not about us and our needs/wants. If we can do what our DDs need, then we have done well; even if it is not exactly as we might have wished.

Please try not to spoil the joy of new life with resentments.

Hi, and I'm so sorry that your daughter is being so prescriptive, I'll let you into a secret though, by the time your daughter gets home from hospital, it's quite likely that all the plans will have gone out the window, they will both be exhausted, your daughter will be tearful, and only one person will do; YOU!

At the birth of my daughter's second baby, I was charged with looking after big sister who was very excited about HER new baby's arrival.The agreement was that once born, I should take her to the hospital, where her dad would meet me and take over whilst I should wait until handed my granddaughter back. In fact I got her to the hospital but at that point was invited in as well. Just as well as I noticed that baby was too cold so was able to quietly go out and ask for midwife assistance without a fuss.

I stayed a week longer than planned as my daughter was exhausted, did the cooking and the laundry, and generally stayed in the background.

Just wait until it happens and it may well change

Wish I’d had someone like you when I had newborns! I had no one, apart from husband, who worked long hours. It was blooming hard. We don’t appreciate what we’ve got til it’s gone!

The baby won’t know who saw it first. Your DD may find she would like you there for longer when it comes to it. How about going with her request but gently say if she finds she wants you there for longer you would be able to stay on

I've a couple of thoughts on this, based on my own feelings when my first DD was born. Maybe your DD feels uncomfortable to be seen struggling to cope- hopefully this will pass as she feels more confident. Also, as others have said, she doesn't want the extra work of a house guest but feels guilty having to ask you to pay to stay in a B & B, so is suggesting a short initial stay.
If you and your daughter are as close as you say, I'm betting she will ask you back to stay longer once your SiL goes back to work and she is getting back on her feet.
I think new parents are having to make these rules because there is no-one else who does. When I had my first we stayed in hospital for a week, visiting times were limited, as were the number of visitors allowed at one time and nap times were sacrosanct. Curtains could be drawn when breastfeeding and there were nurses to help during the night. Relatives accepted this as hospital procedure and there was no bad feeling!

Five of your paragraphs, rosierary, begin with "I", one with "My", and one with "She".

It suggests to me, along with their content that, yes, you are being selfish or at least self-centred.

As others have said, it's not about you. I hope this thread has helped you see that. I hope you enjoy being a granny on your daughter's terms.

Just do as she asks those pregnancy hormones are all over the place and they will be once she’s given birth My daughters just wanted me to cook meals clean house and do washing .If they wanted help with the baby they’d ask and yes I was a midwife but it’s there baby and even if I didn’t agree I kept silent

When I had my first daughter 35 years ago I smear a c section & stayed in hospital for 10 days. All of my family & friends visited for the 2 hour day time visit & my husband did the evening visit . When I went home my husband had a week off of work to look after baby & I . My mum then drove the 20 miles to help me every day for the next week . Making dinners , washing & ironing etc .& letting me recover . Now a days they are only in hospital 1 or two days even with a c section so I can understand how the new mum & dad want a bit of time with their new baby in their own home before everyone descends in them . I would maybe book an extra night wherever you are staying just incase your daughter realises she does need more help after all . If she doesn’t then you are going to have to accept her decision. When your son in law goes back to work your daughter might appreciate you staying then

GraceQuirrel

When she’s had it she will change her mind, they have no idea what’s about to hit them!

I find this “trueism” really cruel.

This might not be the case. It’s unfair to wind people up that they will get what they want in time.

It’s also really disparaging on new parents. They might need help, or they might thrive!

My daughter’s parents-in-law were far more involved than I was and did far more than I ever could. They were quite hands on, very active and ‘enviably’ healthy. I felt like an ‘extra’ on a film set. Sadly, my daughter is now divorced. They adore the grandchildren and help out now with school runs etc ……wonderful people, but I don’t see them as often now.

I have four children and a grandson. I guess I lean more toward allowing parents to take the lead and set boundaries. My own mother stayed with me a bit over a week with my firstborn and fewer and fewer days with each successive child.

Honestly what feels like helping to the person offering can feel overwhelming to the person on the other end sometimes.

I have been very up front with my son and DIL about their right to refuse any offer of help. It’s worked out well for us.

Grandparents IMO don’t have a right to impose their will on their children.

I think I know how you feel in a way, having been sidelined by my children (not that you have). The other mothers in law of my four children are much favoured by my four children, much as it grieves me to say. I think it’s a combination of the following; I worked full time, I don’t drive, I live in a small house which isn’t child friendly; steep stairs and hardly any room. I’m married to a lovely man who thinks the world of my children, having none of his own but it bloody hurts that my kids turn to the in laws before me. No help, sorry, just my thoughts.

Unless new grandmothers have retired, they may have demanding jobs of their own. I ruggedly had to cope entirely on my own in the early sixties. educating myself from Dr Spock as there wasprecious little outside help in Northern Ireland at the time. I had one visit from a district nurse when my son was about thre weeks old. There had been no ante natal classes. As I had never had anything to do withbabies in any way. I just thought it normal to struggle on. My older husband had no idea how to deal with babies and thought that women instinctively knew what to do. Things seem very different now. There is so much outside help, that Grandma is rather redundant.

My first grandchild arrived this Summer, and I live 200 miles from their parents. We were being sensible because of Covid and agreed they would manage on their own. I was upset (though was careful to keep that to myself) but also philosophical, hearing of others who didn’t see their new grandchildren for many months in Lockdowns. The new Mum was unwell after the birth, as it happened, and I was summoned after all. It was an infection which resolved in a matter of days with antibiotics, not too serious, but was debilitating for a few days. I was told my help at that time was invaluable (and I got to cuddle the baby after all ). So I would advise to play it by ear, anything can happen and you may be needed more, and for longer, than anyone anticipates.

My God all these new rules. Parents to day are so precious and dictatorial that it must be very off putting for grandparents. Glad I don't have kids. My sister was grateful for my mother staying with her 2 weeks after the birth of her son, and my mother would have welcomed any help. She lost her mother at the age of 16. Her mother was only 46, and her mother-in-law who she was close to died a day after I was born, so these new mothers should start being a bit more appreciative of what they have!!

songstress60 that is a little unkind to modern parents. When I had my children I was in hospital for the first few days and the nurses strictly made sure rules (to keep the mother well rested and relaxed) were adhered to. Now the new parents often are home on the day they give birth, hence now the poor parents having to lay down rules themselves. (And having to make themselves unpopular in the process)
Even with that first bit in hospital, my mil barged into our new family unit and inserted herself into everything the day we got home. I wish now I had laid down some rules, because it bred a resentment of my mil I still have to this day and set us up for terrible relationship. We get on and I go round often to do shops, and take the her to appointments etc, but I don’t care for her one jot.
IMO it’s sensible and in the best interests of family harmony to have the rules laid out so that it is transparent and clear what the new mum and dad need.
My dil and ds1, are marvellous parents and got on with all of it without much help as dils mother is in poor health and their family is very small (and because of Covid I can’t enter their country). Not all young families require help.

I totally understand. I wasn’t ‘wanted’ when the baby was born, I thought it would be like my mother and mother-in-law there for support, help and advice, but instead the door was slammed in my face on day one.

However, things have changed now. The new parents have realised that child rearing is much harder than they imagined and they welcome everything I do. I just make myself useful, buy things to help out with out being pushy and I give advice when it’s requested.

My advice is give it time, there’s lots to come in the child’s life that you to be involved with and it will be a one-to-one relationship with that little person. Nothing is better.