Daughter's first baby: am I being selfish wanting to be around to help?

My daughter in law had fixed plans of being just her and my son that completely changed when my now 7 month old Grandson was born. She needed me every night for the first 2 weeks! I respected her original plans without question. Having her original plan helped her feel organised. She knew that I was there for her whatever as I’m sure is the same for you.

There is lots of amazing advice here. Just approach the situation as instructed and let it grow from there - organically (as they say).
Two of our four children are parents and we see the GC as often as we can. There are no rules.
Btw, we also value our time without the GC. Don't give your life over to being a grandparent. Keep some space for yourself and your friends/partner/whoever.
Trust me, the new parents will be loud and clear if they need you (more so, if they feel you have a life of your own).
You're going to love being a grandparent. Good luck! xx

I haven’t read all the responses, but if I’d just met you, I’d say I know how you feel. We can’t help how we feel. It’s what we do about it.

You’re a long way from her, so it was probably always going to be the other set see the baby first. Just play the long game. Focus on the fact that, you’ve had your children, and your turn at being with babies 24/7. It’s no longer necessary.

It you could fast forward 20 years....you may find your memories are of not seeing the baby too much in the early weeks, which I personally don’t think anyone should. It’s time for the parents and only the parents. Just my opinion. However....in your memory, will be loads of time spent with your grandchild, as she/ he grows.

Don’t hanker. Be patient. You will reap the rewards.

Hello! I am in exactly the same position, my daughter is also 33 and has just had her first baby. I too, live several hours away, while her in-laws are just 1 hour away. I desperately wanted to see the baby when he was born, but no visitors were allowed in the hospital and I was told not to come. Needless to say, the in-laws were round at the house in a flash as soon as she was discharged. Anyway, I was told that I could only come once the Dad's 2 weeks of paternity leave were finished, and that I could stay for 4 nights and help her manage jobs around the house. I have just come back from this visit and it was fine, but I did feel that I was sent home packing! I have just told her that I am free to come and help any time I am needed (I don't work!) I understand that they want to establish their own little family and that I will only ever be a special visitor now and not regularly involved with my grandson because of the distance between us. I think just be supportive and let her know you are there if she wants you. I know that my daughter and her husband thought they were pretty prepared, but nothing can really prepare you for the reality of the relentlessness of looking after a brand new baby in the early weeks. Feed/burp/change/sleep, then as soon as you try to grab a sandwich it all starts over again!

What surprises me a lot from many posts is the eagerness of grandparents wanting to see the newborn but no mention of their son/daughter/sil/dil at all.

We already 'know' our sons/daughters/sil/dil, Hithere (and in most cases love them, even our dils), so of course meeting the newcomer to the family is foremost in our thoughts once we know that the new mum is OK!

In my own experience, most new parents are equally keen to introduce the newcomer to the rest of the family too.

One thing I haven't seen mentioned is that it's MUCH easier to relax rules than scramble to assert them after the fact.

Better to prepare people for less and end up inviting more than be swamped with visitors and have to ban everyone for a week or three to catch their breath.

I'm not saying that they will change their minds, but rather addressing people who've commented as to why new parents hand out a list before baby's born. Being clear on how they intend things to go helps to avoid mismatched expectations.

I used to lead parenting classes and one of the things I pointed out was that by the age of five, when children start school, they’re all walking, talking, out of nappies etc. And few people will know or care when those milestones were reached.

In the same way, babies have their whole lives ahead of them to develop relationships with significant people, including grandparents. What happens in the first few weeks won’t affect the baby in the slightest - but how much respect is given to the parents expressed wishes could certainly affect relationships in the future.

My advice? Don’t sweat the small stuff, respect the decisions of the parents and let them know they’re loved and cared for. That’ll do the trick. ?

From personal experience , I think you just have to 'go with the flow'. As others have said , this is a different generation taking advice from online rather than relatives . Stand back & appear when called , lol !

The wanting to be with your daughter is entirely natural, I think we all feel like that, but the extent that that happens, must depend on your DD and SiL.

All of us feel different after the birth. I did not want my mother around after the birth, I wanted DH and I to be alone with the new family member getting to know him. She visited me in hospital to see the new arrival, but then went home. Other friends had their mother, father, sisters and aunts around for weeks after the event.

However, when I had my second baby she came and stayed a week and I was very grateful for her help.

After DGD was born, we went up to make hospital visits, as DDiL was in hospital for a week, but came home when she came out of hospital.

As everyone says, offer no advice unless asked, however much you want to.

I’m late to this post but 4 years down the line of similar feelings - just relax. You have a lovely relationship with your daughter. They will find their feet as a family as you will find yours as a grandparent. They certainly do need time and space to do this - it is a hugely critical time in their relationship. If you are needed more they will shout - if they don’t that is great ! My fallback for telling myself to not feel bad about not seeing my new grandson’EVERY SINGLE DAY’ was that it was just for me as he wouldn’t remember and my needs came last . Sooo - deep breaths and go with the flow. I have had a wonderful 4 years so far and have seen more and more of my wonderful gs as he has got older - you have a lot to look forward to so don’t dwell on the first few monthor even years .

I didn't have anyone round to "help" in fact I went back to work with baby in tow the day after we got home from hospital .She slept in a corner in her pram and I got on with my job.She was there with me until she started nursery ,then she was there after nursery and after school too.She is the most sociable person I know ,all that mixing with customers I'm sure .

I never expected to help with GC ,but my daughter had already dealt with mental health issues so when baby was born my OH asked if she wanted to job share with me and I owuld have my GS half day while she did my job .I had him from 3 weeks old until he started school

Hi Rosierary, this is my first time on here too. I am wondering how you got on? I appreciate it's four years on! The reason I ask is because my daughter in Australia is expecting her first baby. We naturally thought she would want us around so we have extended our stay. She isn't happy as her husband has exams shortly after the baby is due. It's a long way to go so it was easier and cheaper than flying back (we were due to fly back a couple of weeks before her due date). We only want to help them at such a busy time and won't be staying with them, but we're feeling perplexed and a bit sad tbh. Leaving her alone to think about things 😕

songstress60

My God all these new rules. Parents to day are so precious and dictatorial that it must be very off putting for grandparents. Glad I don't have kids. My sister was grateful for my mother staying with her 2 weeks after the birth of her son, and my mother would have welcomed any help. She lost her mother at the age of 16. Her mother was only 46, and her mother-in-law who she was close to died a day after I was born, so these new mothers should start being a bit more appreciative of what they have!!

👏👏👏👏

This thread is four years old now. The child will be at nursery school.
Hope e verything worked out OK for the poster.

It's hard, but it is not about you.

Fairy so glad my DD in Australia doesn’t have children. I only have to miss the dog when we return to the U.K.
I do know though that if it had happened she would have wanted me there. Hasn’t a lot changed in such a relatively short time?

When a child is born, the new parents need space to BOTH learn to care for their newborn, together. They'll work it out. It's the husband/dad's role now to physically and emotionally support the new mother and baby , so don't sideline him. Give the three of them space and time to bond.

butterand jam I left my baby no 2 in intensive care for three weeks. We bonded. Both myself and DH have managed to love and care for both our children even though I appreciate the help and support my extended family gave me at the time.
There is a way that it can work for everyone, unfortunately young parents seem to be encouraged to exclude family these days.

Today's mothers have learned that they want a different after birth experience then previous generations did. That doesn't make them spoiled, precious, entitled or anything else posters on GN deem them to be every time these weekly posts pop up. This isn't exactly new behavior either, I made the same choice for my second child over 20 years ago and I do not regret it one bit.

Op, it stinks that your expectations for your daughters birth/after birth experience doesn't match with your daughters. Best thing you can do is accept that she has stated her boundaries and move on without resentment and not compare your experience with other grandparents., in person or online. At the end of the day, it will just cause you more stress.

Enjoy meeting your grandbaby and doing what you can to help your daughters transition to motherhood. You will have plenty of time to get to know the baby and settle into the new family structure that the new generations are building.

Congrats!

Fairy999

Hi Rosierary, this is my first time on here too. I am wondering how you got on? I appreciate it's four years on! The reason I ask is because my daughter in Australia is expecting her first baby. We naturally thought she would want us around so we have extended our stay. She isn't happy as her husband has exams shortly after the baby is due. It's a long way to go so it was easier and cheaper than flying back (we were due to fly back a couple of weeks before her due date). We only want to help them at such a busy time and won't be staying with them, but we're feeling perplexed and a bit sad tbh. Leaving her alone to think about things 😕

What exactly is she supposed to be thinking about? Why did you extend your trip without talking to her and her partner first?

When my DD was born in 2000, my late Mum offered to come to stay and help for first couple of weeks (she lived about 2 hours drive away). I refused. Thought husband would offer enough help. I had NO IDEA how hard it would be! So sad now that I didn’t accept her offer. She must have been hurt but never said so. I didn’t mean to cause hurt. It was pride and ignorance on my part. She was great and so understanding at the time. I wish I could tell her now how sorry I am. Having said all that, we all have to make our own mistakes. Respect your daughter’s wishes. Who sees baby first seems irrelevant. Others have pointed out, it’s not a competition. Look forward to a lovely relationship with your grandchild in the future.

I think that if you stick to their rules for now it will pay dividends in the future, But that means that effort to not only not being critical of anything by your speech but that your body language and attitude has to also reflect that willing to go along with their wishes. Starting by thinking what your daughter likes particularly before you go down. So the sort of thoughtful things you might do is to remember what her favourite talc, or eau de cologne is and get her a small amount to be able to give her on any day that you feel that she would enjoy it. Of course she will want to set up her own pattern and work out how she and her husband are going to set up their new life with their baby, but it will be lovely to feel cared for , for herself , not just as a new mum. Then I know you can do it everywhere these days, but I have done it for many friends and younger relations and buy 2 lots of 2 papers. So I would buy 2 copies of the local paper , of the day the baby was born, and give one to the parents and keep another one myself sealed up in a plastic bag. Then also buy a national paper for the same day, so for me it would probably be the Guardian or perhaps Yorkshire Post, and same thing again. So they have the local and national news of that day. The other copies I have kept and had the pleasure of giving my copies to a young man who was 18 and invited me to his party. Quite a lot of merriment for the partygoers looking at what happened on his birth day, and of course amazement at the prices so long ago, and the local paper showed the difference in the roads and so forth. All these small things show that you care, and that you are thinking of them and not yourself. While I can understand you want to see the baby as others have said dont start down the competitive road or you will definitely not win in any way and can damage your relationship with your whole family. Babies can be very good to hold and look at but personally if the choice was being the first to hold a baby and get to the front of the queue, or being much more part of my grandchilds life as they grow up , I take the grandchild every time. !! You can look forward to many years of being a granny that is someone your grandchild wants to see. Who knows how life will change over the years, and you do not want to look back and remember animosity and upset around the birth of this precious child. My sons partner had all her family close by, and at the time she had my grandson, my husband was quite ill and I was sad that I wasnt able to be there as mch as I wanted to in the beginning. But my husband lived long enough to get to know our grandson and I am glad that we have happy times to remember. There will be times that you regret that you cant do things the way you would like to but look at the bigger picture, and we hope that you will be a granny for many years and enjoy much time in the future with your grandchild. Every good wish for the birth and enjoy what you have and dont spend a long time regretting or begrudging what you dont have. If you have a close friend you could have a chance to tell them how you feel about the situation but that is private between you. Dont risk your relationship with your family by putting what you want as the top of the list. I wish you many years of happy granny times with your new grandchild

Oh my. I didn’t read all the previous posts and now see this is from 2021! Hey ho. Got my thoughts of my chest!

when our first GCwas born,we lived an 8 hour drive away, my sil asked if we would give them a week to be by themselves then come for a few days, which was fine by us, two days later he phoned and asked if we could come the next day, so we did, we got to look after the baby and take her out for walks while my daughter got resting, we didn't take over, we were just there to help...