At the end of my tether

I am sorry Paw you are clearly having a very difficult time. Do you and your DH agree about the best way forward? Is your DD a 'good enough' mum to bring her D up do you think? Can you support her going to appts about housing or does she prefer to go alone? Have your 2 sons any prospect of moving out soon? Can you and your DH decide what you expect from your DD and find a calm time to sit down and tell her what changes you expect from her? Well done on being a caring mum but please protect your relationship with your DH too and stand firm united. Ignore her threats- she is unlikely to follow them through. Good luck. Hope things improve.

Thank you my boys are not planning on moving out any time soon. My hubby and I have put our lives on hold for a year her moving home was never a permanent agreement. I’m so fed up of living with what feels like a gun to my head,

That sounds a terrible situation. If the partner also lives you, isn’t that seven people living in a two bed flat? Surely that counts as overcrowding and the council should offer your daughter accommodation?

Your daughter should have gone to the housing office and told them that it was overcrowded where she's staying with yourselves.
She's got you for a right mug and it can't go on so she's now creating because she can no longer have her own way and gets to you through the poor child who's the victim here, nobody else.

It'll be New Years Eve next, will your daughter be staying in watching TV ?I don't think so. You're really going to have to put your foot down whether she likes it or not or you'll have a dreadful life.

There are 6 of us her partner does not live with us. The council are looking at getting her a place. We have placed a deadline for the end of Jan. the reality of her moving out and having to pay bills etc basically does not appeal to her and she’s realising how easy she has had it. I feel guilty but me and my hubby are almost at breaking point we can’t cope with living this way for much longer.

I worry about that little child when she's living solely with her mother. If the mother is going out most nights now, will she suddenly decide to stay home and parent that child when she's in her own place?

No wonder you can’t take any more. Your daughter is neglecting her daughter, you are doing everything, unfortunately it enables her to behave as she does, if she leaves I don’t know how your gd would be looked after by her. Are you prepared to bring her up? You need to ask yourself what is better for the little girl. You obviously can’t have 6 people living in a 2 room flat. I’m afraid you have to face and make some tough decisions, your daughter has shown she cannot be trusted with her daughter well being. . I hate to think of any child being put in care, it’s the very last resort. If it were me I would ask her to leave and bring gd up, but it depends on your fitness, how you dh feels, so many factors to consider. Your daughter needs to be told how it will be if her d goes into care or you take responsibility for the next 18 years. You desperately need help, you are doing too much.

She uses the guilt card with us all the time and your right she’s taking us for mugs.

Where is your GD’s father? Could he take care of her?

That is a whole new ball game we found out a few months ago she lied about my g/daughters dad he wasn’t who we thought he was.

Dear dear me. What an absolutely intolerable situation to be in. I feel so sorry for you Paw007. Alarm bells are ringing for me with regard to your DGD, due to the recent stories regarding child neglect. I’m not saying that your daughter doesn’t love your granddaughter, but she’s not displaying much of a maternal attitude. How likely is she going to be able to care for her little girl if she enjoys going out so much?
I can possibly see your DGD being looked after by you most of the time - in fact, I hope that’s the case.

My hubby and I have discussed going for custody or even getting my daughter to give us legal rights. We are terrified to bring it up in case she goes and cuts us off from my granddaughter.

This sounds an absolute nightmare. Your little granddaughter is caught up in a right mess, crying for a mummy who is unreliable to say the very least. I really do feel for you. Has she always been so selfish? And lying about her daughter’s father. Guess there’s little or no involvement from him or the other set of grandparents? What a mess. I could shake her.

Paw007

My hubby and I have discussed going for custody or even getting my daughter to give us legal rights. We are terrified to bring it up in case she goes and cuts us off from my granddaughter.

Paw007, face it. There is a very good chance your daughter will weaponize your granddaughter to keep you in line. I'm sorry it has gotten into such a bad living and family situation, but it will not improve for you or the rest of the household (including the GD) until the unbearable conditions change. You can't let the potential actions of an irresponsible, immature person dictate what you need to do. As Allsorts advised, "^I’m afraid you have to face and make some tough decisions...^"

I would suggest speaking to a professional. Doctor or social services. I had to before I went under. Ss rarely take kids away if there is parenting available within the extended family. You need some backup for the GD sake. You said your H had mentioned bringing the child up. If you have backing from ss your d wont be able to take kid out of safe environment. It's hard getting help with our AC. I know. I had to do it, when I didn't want to. I feel for you, could the boys babysit while you have an evening out with H, as you seem very stressed, as anyone would be in this situation.. much love to you

I would contact social services straight away, telling them how your daughter neglects her child. Also move the moving out, write a letter to your daughter stating she will have to move out say a date second week in January, she then takes it to the housing people. Make sure social services know the date she has to move out. My gd had a similar problem with her mum and dad, though not quite so toxic. Housing found her temp accommodation and social services keep a close eye on the child. Worth a try.

Just re-read the OP. You told your daughter you wouldn’t be on site babysitters but she decides she can stay in her pit until 11am after a night OUT? She is definitely on a winner here. And 2 nights in an hotel with her mates when her UC cheque (or whatever) comes through each month? This young lady needs to get her priorities sorted. Sounds like she was pregnant at 19y and wants the life of a teenager again. She resents having missed out by getting pregnant. And you and your husband are enabling her. She’s living on Easy Street and living her best life.

Very tough love is needed

Pardon me asking, but why do you have two adult sons living with you?

Paw007, you have all my sympathy, you are in an impossible situation.

Have you told your daughter that if she lives with you she has to pay her way? Or is she living with you for free? Do you know what day her benefits are paid? Could you demand that she gives you a cheque for half that amount before she leaves the house on the day the benefit is paid?

If she ignores that, I would tell her that if she does not start looking after your DGD properly, you will be talking to Social Services as you can no longer cope with the situation as it is.

This may bring your daughter up short, but if it doesn't, do just that and talk to social services. Say how worried you are and hint or mention recent tragic court cases, that like yours, with a parent not looking after a young child properly.

As others have said, some times a situation is so difficult that very hard decisions have to be made and acted on, because a failure to take them could lead to even worse problems.

The first thing my mind goes to is drugs.
I would begin involving officials now. Do not have any discussions with her.
Health visitor, any nursery she attends, doctors and social services. Keep a note of every time she leaves and comes back.

If your daughter doesn't want help you can't help her. So unfortunately forget about her and what she wants right now.

The main thing is safeguarding the child. There's been enough deceased children on the news recently with negligent parents.

If she becomes aggressive in the home. Call the police.

Where does she sleep, undisturbed, until 11am? On the sofa? Any decent (or half decent) parent wants to be there on Christmas morning, watching the kid/s unwrap presents. I'd contact Social Services, without any discussion or delay, as the child needs safeguarding.

I'm so sorry to hear this.

This is not a good situation at all. I think you need some serious help to protect your grandchild and you need to get in touch with the right local services straight away.

As Bibbity suggests, keep a diary of comings and goings and do call the police if you need to

Chewbacca

I worry about that little child when she's living solely with her mother. If the mother is going out most nights now, will she suddenly decide to stay home and parent that child when she's in her own place?

No, I shouldn't think that's likely.
Unless the partying continues at her house which would be just as bad.

The priority is your granddaughter so, as others have said, you need to seek professional help.