Husband is reluctant grandfather

Peasblossom - if it is only one day a week in their own house then he is being very unreasonable. And it is not a new hobby - it is his own flesh and blood.

The obvious answer is for OP to go to DD's house on the 2 days of child care. Then I guess he will grumble about being left on his own for 2 days a week! There is no reason why the OP should be deprived of the joy of having a close relationship with her GC; and if that does not interest him, then he can get on with things he enjoys on those 2 days.

But .... it seems that this is not the problem ...*He says that I ignore him when they are here and he resents that*. IN other words he feels he is entitled to her constant attention. Well life ain't like that - none of us have the right to someone else's undivided attention. Most adults understand that.

Bet it’s not?

Peasblossom

I can’t help feeling that if it was his wife posting that he was totally wrapped up in his new hobby, held get-togethers at their house and was threatening to leave her if she didn’t join in, the answers would be very different.

?

It is one day a week....

I can’t help feeling that if it was his wife posting that he was totally wrapped up in his new hobby, held get-togethers at their house and was threatening to leave her if she didn’t join in, the answers would be very different.

?

He needs his legs slapped and told to sit on the naughty step.
What a baby

He sounds like a huffy child. If you want to leave get legal advice. About finances

I would leave him to his devises two days a week and have the children in their own home if possible.
My husband adored all our DGCs and helped me all the times I looked after them for my DD when she worked he took them everywhere with him,walking in Wales for the day from when they where 2yrs upwards such a hands on grandpa.
Have you thought of maybe taking the little ones to a play group or storytime at a local library so they can mix with other children and they are out of the house,I know you shouldn't have to do this but it may work.
This man sounds very controlling not something I would put with.I was very lucky to have such a caring man for 45 yrs.

Little grandchildren are a treasure to love and adore and yes they can be hard work but thats life. Your OH sounds selfish and is obviously not concerned that the GC may be upset with his attitude.
Yes it’s his home too but why can’t he just potter around or invest in a man shed. Why should you be forced to go out to see your GC tell him to make himself scarce. You are a gran in your golden years you should not have to put up with this. I could not imagine living with a man with a swinging brick for a heart.

Being a gran is so different to having our own children as times and method of child care has changed. All eyes are critical and the pressure is there.
Perhaps your husband has a hobby the children may enjoy when older, the prob is now. Children are exhausting both physically and emotionally and as we retire, peace and quiet is enjoyed & well deserved. It’s his home too and if he’s not enjoying the grand parenting experience then perhaps visiting the childrens home is advisable. All their toys etc are there and you can then leave to go to your own home in peace. I just stress it’s his home too..

Madmeg

I initially agreed with all those who said he was like a petulant child, then found myself with some sympathy for him with small children - cos although I looked after my Gkids when small, it didn't come naturally at all. Then I heard those of you who suggested the start of dementia, and wondered about that too. So I have no real advice, cos all are possible.

What more concerned me was that the OP feels depressed and thinking of ending the marriage. That can't just be down to the current (and re) situation but must be more deep-seated and she needs to question herself on why she feels the need for such a drastic step. I've been dithering myself on this issue for some years - and am still dithering.

Finally, I cringe when people give financial advice about separation and divorce. There are no hard and fast rules about the sharing of income and assets. True, 50/50 is a starting point but it seldom works out that way and a fight might be needed to get a fair share. That won't be easy and the uncertainty could add to the depression.

State benefits ARE there but may people fall just foul of the limits to claim and still can't afford to live independently in any degree of comfort.

Hang fire for a year or two would be my advice. Consider what others have said re caring for the kiddies at your DDs home and see if that helps. Maybe time will improve things.

Firstly please don't trundle out the excuse of 'early dimentia' as an excuse for appallingly bad behaviour, it is not the case and certainly not a hard and fast symptom either! Divorce? Don't be daft, why does everyone have to completely overreact to an old tosspot being pathetic by ruining their own life? If he's always like this and one feels enough is enough, kick him out! OR grow a spine and defend your rights to be a great Grandma!

Ilovecheese

Could you look after them at your daughter's house both days.

I was thinking the same. He sounds so self centred, he simply doesn't deserve to be named a grandad because he isn't is he? Your love for your grandchildren will conquer his pathetic behaviour, I always remind myself that I'm not going to live forever so best not waste time eh? I would never give up my GK for spouse, he would not be considered in any way husband if he was so cruel, he must know he's causing you upset, shame on him.

Some women are Professional Grans and their whole lives and conversation seem to revolve around this one subject. It is so sad when people seem to lose all their
other interests.
I have 5 myself who I love to bits, but don't ram down other people's throats - having plenty of other things to talk about as well.
Get unwilling Grandpa to show toddler how to build brick house, or cars on the carpet. Get him to grow carrot tops and mustard añd cress for rapid results.

I initially agreed with all those who said he was like a petulant child, then found myself with some sympathy for him with small children - cos although I looked after my Gkids when small, it didn't come naturally at all. Then I heard those of you who suggested the start of dementia, and wondered about that too. So I have no real advice, cos all are possible.

What more concerned me was that the OP feels depressed and thinking of ending the marriage. That can't just be down to the current (and re) situation but must be more deep-seated and she needs to question herself on why she feels the need for such a drastic step. I've been dithering myself on this issue for some years - and am still dithering.

Finally, I cringe when people give financial advice about separation and divorce. There are no hard and fast rules about the sharing of income and assets. True, 50/50 is a starting point but it seldom works out that way and a fight might be needed to get a fair share. That won't be easy and the uncertainty could add to the depression.

State benefits ARE there but may people fall just foul of the limits to claim and still can't afford to live independently in any degree of comfort.

Hang fire for a year or two would be my advice. Consider what others have said re caring for the kiddies at your DDs home and see if that helps. Maybe time will improve things.

Maybe your husband can leave the house when you have the grandchildren. A petulant little-boy attitude is a turn-off for me and my female friends!

Hello Harmonypuss. Yes plenty of space here, all welcome! It wasn’t a problem at all with my son, who was much wanted and doted on, but he was never a noisy child even when he had a friend round to play, but I have always found other people’s kids irritating. He and his wife don’t have children yet - I know I won’t find it easy if they do! Now I’m retired I enjoy peace and quiet and women who are always talking about their grandchildren and showing photos of them drive me up the wall!

I can sympathise with your situation.
My 3year old gs lives with us , as does our daughter.
My husband who has dementia, has always been a problem. He’s definitely jealous of my gs, or jealous of the attention he gets.
He can be nice to him, but he also tells him off for the smallest thing.
I do think people with dementia find the noise children make, hard to deal with.
My husband bangs doors when gs is in bed. Or goes to the toilet which is next door to ds room, and coughes. If we ask him not to, he will do it more.
It’s not an ideal situation. But we’re stuck with it.

The horrible thing is my husband was great when our children where small.

It's probably easier on everyone just now if you can babysit at your daughter's both days.
If you've already decided you don't want to stay with him, you should be able to get a good lawyer and work out how to manage financially if you separate/divorce.
If you want to try to address the issues and rescue your marriage, especially if your husband's resentment of time you spend with other adults is a relatively recent thing, you'll probably need some help.
He could have the beginnings of dementia or there could be something traumatic relating to his childhood or leading to feelings of abandonment that he may not even realise.
Can you approach him when he's relaxed and start a conversation ( without assigning blame at this point) about the fact you feel depressed but want him, you and the grandchildren all to be happy. See if he would consider counselling. If not, getting some counselling yourself could still help.
It's clearly not just about the grandchildren.
Good luck, whatever you decide.

@Germanshepherdsmum

The simple fact is that not everyone likes small children - I readily admit that I don’t and would be irritated if I were in your husband’s position putting up with them and the noise they inevitably make all day and the disruption of normal routine so I can see where he’s coming from. He’s not an ‘awful man’ he’s simply being honest about his feelings and perhaps he also resents sharing you. Can’t you look after them at their home both days? I shall now don my tin hat and retire behind the sofa.

I'm with you on this, I don't particularly like little kids and thankfully both of my own sons have promised me that they're never having any (phew! I don't have to pretend to be a doting gran).
I've got my tin hat ready, can I join you behind the sofa?

I thought that this was how my husband felt because he always seemed to be moody and irritable when my grandchildren were around. He felt that we'd done our bit bringing up our own children and he'd spent money buying decent furniture which wasn't going to be ruined by children. I found this a strange attitude because I loved my kids and their children so it was a bit alien to me. I'll be honest, I resented the attitude but I knew that he was generally a good, thoughtful husband and father so I had to accept he was entitled to those feelings. We had many discussions about how we could both get what we wanted and came to a compromise. I still had my grandson twice a week but I took him to somewhere he could play for at least a couple of hours on the days we had him so my husband could relax and have a break from the noise. (My grandson is autistic and made loud noises to self stimulate.) My husband kept out of the way when he was finding it difficult but would always come to help when I needed to use the loo or get DGS's meals and he would do it with good grace.
Of course I was disappointed that my DH didn't have the same patience as me but accepting that he found things difficult, acknowledging them and finding a way forward made a tough situation workable. If your husband is generally a good man, try to get him to work out a strategy which works for both of you. If he can't, perhaps he needs counselling to work out why he feels such deep resentment of your attention to other people.

I would be very worried about a jealous man who only talks to his grandchildren to tell them off.
I would certainly let your daughter know as it seems very unfair on the children.
If you are only staying because you can`t afford to move out then thats a different thing and sounds like the marriage is in trouble.

Was he a jealous husband when your children were born ? Just a thought. My ex was awful when our first child was born, resenting me breast feeding etc.

Might he grow to care more when they are both a bit older and can communicate with him better ?

Sorry I can't be of more help. I wish you well and think the idea of going to your daughter's both days is a good one.

You say you feel like leaving, but your pension being small stops you. If you really want to leave, if you divorce him, you would be entitled to a 50% share of all pensions received by both you and your husband. Also 50% of all assets (the value of the house, savings, any shares etc). If this is what you want, speak to a good Solicitor, who specialises in divorce law, or at the very least, family law (Google will help you find that). Don’t you a local firm who do a bit of everything. My husband used one of those when his first wife divorced him. He ended up with a third of what he was entitled to. My divorce Solicitor was known as the Rottweiler. There was no need to savage my former husband, but she was extremely on-the-ball!

I don’t think anyone has commented that when they’re little they’re lovable and loving. In about 10 years they won’t want to know you! My grandaughter is now 15 and we very close up to the age of about 11, then she decided she was too cool for Nana…..(of course some grandparents have wonderful relationships with their pre-teen and teenage grandchildren) Hang on to your husband he may come in handy….

A lot of men can't connect with children until they are older and can do things with them.
Maybe he feels a bit useless and superfluous to requirements at the moment as you are dashing back and forth with them and it's showing up as a strange form of jealousy ?
He sees you doing things with and for the GC and feels you should be spending that time pampering to his needs!
Maybe try and encourage him to spend time with the eldest at least - reading a story or looking through a book with him might be a start - instigate a quiet time in the day, maybe when the youngest is having a nap, say that you need to get on and do something and just dump the GC on OH's lap with a picture book and leave the room - just peek back every now and then to check they are both ok.
Go out for walks , the 4 of you - maybe get a cheap buggy for the eldest to use and make your OH push it.
Perhaps he had distant grandparents so doesn't have any idea that it is ok to play with GCs so may need teaching how to do it.
If all else fails, find him jobs to do or suggest he takes up golf or bowls and begins to make friends outside the home- something that the majority of men are pretty useless at !

Notjustaprettyface ; Can you look after your two grand-children at your daughters house both days, you may have to tell her the reason why or just say that they have everything they need in their own home environment. It may be the answer for the short time period.

In regard of your husband he sounds so selfish and the fact he has no interest in the GC and only speaks to them to tell them off is strange behaviour. What is their to tell off with two more or less babies one of two and a half and one of fifteen months. It is no wonder you said you would like to leave. I certainly would not give up my relationship with my GC and your husband needs to start behaving like an adult rather than a sulky miserable possessive resentful old moan.
I certainly would not put up with that.
I wish you well.