Husband is reluctant grandfather

My dad was the same with my children , he was not interested when they were toddlers but when they turned 5 or 6 he found them more interesting & taught them how to play drafts & played swing ball / football with them & card games . He just didn’t have any idea how to play with wed ones . They called him grumpy gramps .

My father was identical to this. My mother’s time with her grandchildren was tarnished because of it. Both dead now . Mum only relaxed if he wasn’t there. Dad was a selfish man who expected to be the centre of mum’s universe. There is no changing him now. I would suggest staying both days at the other home. It is what it is and won’t change.

Your husband is behaving like a jealous spoilt child who likes to be the centre of your attention. So treat him like one. When he grumbles and shouts tell him to sit on the naughty step or go to his room! If he's always telling your GC off they won't want to be with him anyway, it will be his loss.

Don't change your weekly childminding routine because of his behaviour. I'm sure your GC enjoy spending a day in your home and your husband will have to get used to it. It would seem that he thought retirement would be just the two of you. Will it isn't, and he'll have to adapt. At worst he could spend that day in the bedroom or his shed, sulking. But if he does don't make him cups of tea and feed him, he can fend for himself!

As for jealously resenting your friendships with other adults, point out to him that your world does not revolve around him, and that you're pleased that they enjoy your company and friendship. If he was not so miserable they might like him too. Does he spend time with his own friends? If he does then he has absolutely no right objecting to you doing the same.

I'm so sorry to hear about these problems and realise that most of the other posts could be accurate assessments of the situation.

BUT, have you considered early dementia? Hearing loud noises can be very wearing and reasoning ability is often lost without any other changes that can be recognised easily. This often progresses to outbursts of inexplicable anger and your DH may be at this point.

Just a thought but if this is the case then avoidance is your best bet. The idea of spending those days at their home may be the most effective solution.

Good luck {flowers}

My ex husband resented our daughters and wouldn’t share space or time with them. This changed when I divorced him but it was too late by then and they didn’t really want to spend time with him as he was a virtual stranger to them and thought it was weird that he suddenly wanted to be part of their lives. All very sad.

Ilovecheese

Could you look after them at your daughter's house both days.

Absolutely the thing to do. If he doesn’t like sharing then he can go without you completely. What an **.

Grand? Grans obviously and sorry for mixed up Os and Is!

This sounds like a boil that has festered for a long time.
Remove yourself & grandchildren to their home for care.
It's your choice what to do next.
Anything is better than living with a person like this.
They will never change or give an inch.

You would never have believed my FiL had had any children, let alone the generous number he had. Whilst our's were small he constantly showed irritation and an over zealous care for MiL that she wasn't tired by them. As they grew older, spoke more clearly etc he warmed to them much more. He always had hearing problems and their high voices were out if his range mostly, plus any more than one person talking meant he couldn't follow a conversation. He was old school, but actually a lovely man despite this! My DH is now also experiencing similar hearing problems. He adores our GC but finds the loud noise that accompanies them tiring, trying and disorientating, but is very keen not to become grumpy like his father was in their company. Is this a possible clue in your situation OP? When we take ours out into a clear space, not maybe a noisy swing park, where they can run around and we can chat to one each he comes into his own. Equally getting out huge bits of paper and paints, or similar, where the 2 year old could concentrate and interact with him, whilst you look after the tiny one might help their relationship. I'm all for calling out a childish grumpy old selfish man, if that's what he is, but it is also worth spending time trying to see if in fact there is an underlying problem beyond those assumptions. I also feel sometimes that some grand are keen to wind up OPs further and love the idea of OPs stomping out, leaving, behaving as if they're on EastEnders. You will know OP if he is just a waste if space, or whether he is worth having a sympathetic look at in case his grumpiness is masking an unhappiness of a more forgiveable source.

This man sounds like he is emotionally insecure - being jealous of 2 tinies? Perhaps he is actually frightened of them - not knowing how to relate to them, fearful of the responsibility of care, or just selfishly defending his territory. Lots of men go through jealousy and resentment when their own children are born - being pushed down the order of importance in the mother’s life. My father disliked children and watching him not interacting with his small grandsons took me back to my childhood. I cannot abide babies - learnt that with my own - but once they’re walking and able to have a chat I’m fine. I’d much rather have a stroppy teenager about the house (or festering in their midden of a bedroom). I hope your husband isn’t on the edge of coercive and controlling behaviour, that is totally unacceptable. Just go to your daughter’s twice a week and enjoy your grandchildren, if grumpyguts moans perhaps he needs to address the issue with the help of a counsellor or therapist (haha, a man acknowledging they’re the one with the problem) If you continue to struggle maybe consider talking to a counsellor yourself, it could help you organise your own thoughts and emotions. Does he know how you feel? Can you have a heart to heart? All the best

Some men don't really want to be with very young children and babies - mine certainly didn't and played little part in our own children's upbringing until they were older. Neither of us was keen on having children when we married but then I changed my mind big time, whereas he stuck to his original feelings. Now our youngest grandson is 6 and my husband has suddenly changed his attitude. He plays ball games with him and is teaching him to play chess! Perhaps your husband will change like mine has. In the meantime, I'd talk to him about how he feels, tell him you understand that small children aren't his cup of tea, give him a big hug and promise to look after his grandchildren in their own home so he can have a lovely quiet period of 'Me Time'.

An attention-seeking man. Rather pathetic. Hope he isn't controlling too. The whole situation needs to be addressed as you don't sound very happy with how things are. Is that how you envisage the rest of your life to be? Maybe get some professional advice as to how to deal with this as things cannot continue as they are.

I think the grandchildren issue might be the tip of the iceberg here. It sounds like you are at breaking point in the relationship, if you have reached the point of wishing you were no longer living with him. Couples counselling would probably help but I doubt your husband is the type of man who would contemplate this. I lived with a similar man and in the end I left him as it was becoming more and more toxic and I was getting dragged down by depression.
Remember if you are married you have rights, and don't have to resign yourself to an unsatisfactory relationship purely on financial grounds unless you don't want the inevitable drop in both parties standard of living. Only when I realised that by tolerating and finding workarounds I was the 'enabler' of the behaviour could I look for a solution. Only you can know what is best for you.

The temporary fixes of looking after grandchildren in their own homes is a good idea but probably won't resolve the bigger issues.

Personally I would tell him to take a running jump. Here's a grumpy old man who wants all the attention for himself and there's a question as to whether you should pander to him? If you give up your GC you will never get that time back with them, your life will be the worse for losing that experience, and will get no better because grumpy old men do not become more palatable - rather they just become worse - Please, please do not massage this man's ego any more by even considering ditching your time with your GC and don't move outside to have them elsewhere - you are not married to a demi-god and he will not improve if you give up your GC but rather simply rein you in even more as he realises he can control you. And he's never going to be able to replace you because nobody else will put up with him, so stand your ground and enjoy your children. Tell him he has to grow up.

Hmmm I really don’t like the sound of this, especially since you say you are depressed. Maybe need to talk to someone professional about this and any other issues. Have you got a local centre you could refer to? Or failing that a sensitive doctor?

As said you should continue to enjoy them but let him carry on as he is. My husband doesn't play with his grandchildren, but I'm their step gran and I play with them and have a very good relationship with them. I am responsible for my relationship with people I am not responsible for other peoples. Carry on having them and enjoying time with them, but let go of trying to change your husband. You can't.

Sounds like 'man-child' syndrome. Immature and needy. Obviously needs some toys of his own to play with. Looking after children is hard work which puts some people off, and the precious things they do and say, which makes it all worth while, is lost on some. My husband can be a little like this, but I just tell him what to do! Usually, I look after them on their own which is just easier, and yet they're always asking for grandpa! Your husband may be more interested as they get older and past the messy stage, but in the meantime remind him that they're his flesh and blood and a privilege to care for.

Notjustaprettyface
I really feel for your situation. My father was a selfish man who was deeply resentful of my brother (another selfish male) and of the attention my mother gave him. This resulted in my brother acting up and my mother pandering to him even more. You mention that your DH also resents you having friends of your own. From a point of view of total ignorance this sounds like a mild version of narcissism, but I would stress the word mild. You feel unable to divorce him for financial reasons, but the fact you mention it would indicate considerable loss of love for him . I wonder if perhaps the hint of divorce and suggestion of counselling might work? At the very least it might shock him into attempting a compromise, but if not then please don’t rush into divorce solely because of the GCs - they won’t need you for long. I know it’s only a couple of days a week, but as others have said (some of them rather cruelly) there may be ways in which you could be fuelling the problem . Very best wishes to you

Tell him that if he doesn't like them being around, then he should find somewhere else to go on the days you have the children. I mean good grief it's only one day a week. He sounds like a big, spoilt, sulky kid (and you can tell him that from me!)

Selfish behaviour. Does he have no hobbies? Could he not find something to do in the time they are at your house? Was he always reliant on you for all his attention? I’d be upset if I couldn’t spend time with my grandchildren because of a petty husband. I’m so sorry your in such a difficult situation.

Notjust - have you considered he might be in the early stages of a form of dementia? Worth thinking about whether there are any other signs. My dear friend has become very intolerant of her sweet little four year old grandson, after having absolutely adored him. She doesn't like anyone paying him any attention. She has a form of vascular dementia, but there are others. It is distressing to see.

I couldn't stay with a man who shows such jealousy towards my GC attention seeking and childish behaviour and such an unwelcome attitude to any of my AC or GC would be making me think long and hard about my future with this man

I'd suggest you continue caring as you do in both homes, being patient with your husband but clear that you are giving valuable support to your daughter who, one presumes, he does care about? The days before them going to nursery are short and will fly past, enjoy them while you can and continue to include him with or without his pleasure, things may change when they're more interesting to him - at school able to talk about their learning, interested in things, etc Good luck!

I agree with those who have said he is being very possessive and childish here. I don't think the main issue is that he doesn't like children - I think he just doesn't like not being the focus of the OP's attention all the time.
But regardless of that, he is missing out on so much. My husband loves our grandson to bits and when he is here - which is quite a lot of the time, as our son works shifts - they are always outside going for walks with the dog, helping chop wood for the fire or going on all sorts of 'boys' adventures' - even though the wee man is only 4!

It’s a pity that he can’t enjoy the little ones. They will certainly pick up on the fact that he doesn’t care for them and he won’t have a warm, loving grandparent relationship with them when they’re older. He may be the kind of man that prefers older children BUT good relationships don’t just happen. Relationships are built over time as we all know.
Maybe you can find some kind of compromise. Could he join you and the children just for lunch and is pleasant and entertaining. He could prepare the lunch, or maybe just serve it. Some involvement and interaction with the little ones but on the periphery and not too involved. The rest of the time he can be free to do his own thing. If this doesn’t suit him then he needs to go out or at least take himself off somewhere - shed/garden/library. Failing that I’d make arrangements to care for grandchildren at their home both days. And leave him to his own devises.
Sounds a rather childish, selfish man to me. But it’s his loss. There is nothing nicer than grown up grandchildren who of their own volition come and visit their ageing grandparents. I know because I have that with 2 granddaughters -22 and 24 years. As the saying goes, “You reap what you sow.” I hope you can resolve the issue but DONT allow Him to destroy your potential relationship with the children. Good luck!