Husband is reluctant grandfather

Doesn’t he appreciate the joy (which he’s intent on spoiling) that your grandchildren give to YOU? Or that these are his own daughter’s children?!?
He’s sounds like an irredeemably self- centred person and I’m guessing has probably always been like this.
Time for someone to tell him to grow up and that it’s not all about him. I doubt he’ll listen, or even understand, so there’s little hope of change.
You say you’re very depressed but can’t afford to leave because of your pension. But what about his? On divorce you’ll get half the assets and half the joint income.
If I were you I’d go for it, life is too short to be so very unhappy. Get legal advice to see where you stand financially.
Good luck!

Personally i would have zero tolerance with this. Of course not everyone likes small children, they are hard work. However, they’re your flesh and blood and are small for such a short time and that selfish man should let you enjoy them while you can. The relationship is not all about what he wants, your feelings are equally as important. If he cannot go out and amuse himself just for the day, or stay in a bedroom out the way..... then there’s something wrong with him. A friend of mine has just to,d her husband that unless he snaps out of his grumpiness, then she is not prepared to live the rest of her life with him bringing her down. Maybe an ultimatum is needed for your own sanity

So sorry you are in this situation. Your husband sounds very childish and he is missing out on the opportunity to have a loving relationship with his Grandchildren. It is very unfair and controlling of him to put you in the position where you are forced to choose between him and your Grandchildren.

Surely grown adults can entertain themselves, crikey that makes me shiver the thought of being someone's performing seal.

Oh gosh I can sympathise with you my man just doesn’t like children.I try to make sure I have the 3 GC when he’s working or I make it clear that they are coming and then he will take off on a cycle ride or to visit friends.
Sometimes I do feel pulled especially on his weekend off if I’m asked for emergency babysitting, but I just think that’s his problem not mine and do try to make the best of his other days off.
One even said to him recently that he scares her I think because he doesn’t interact with them. He’s very generous with them but just doesn’t enjoy their company. Sometimes I go to there if it is his days off .So enjoy them ignore him and make it work the best you can.

Why? As a grown adult can you not entertain yourself for one day a week while another adult is busy?

Germanshepherdsmum

The simple fact is that not everyone likes small children - I readily admit that I don’t and would be irritated if I were in your husband’s position putting up with them and the noise they inevitably make all day and the disruption of normal routine so I can see where he’s coming from. He’s not an ‘awful man’ he’s simply being honest about his feelings and perhaps he also resents sharing you. Can’t you look after them at their home both days? I shall now don my tin hat and retire behind the sofa.

I agree. There does seem to be an assumption that grandchildren are lovely and having them for a day is lovely and for some people its just not. I wonder if the OP actually discussed doing the childcare or whether she just said "I am going to do this" Not saying she needs to get agreement or permission but still.......am wondering what the responses would be if it was a husband saying "I do xxx two days every week and my wife resents it". OP does seem to agree that she ignores him when the children are there and that would get up my nose too.

Are they his biological grandchildren? If so his attitude stinks. Grandchildren are precious. Look after them at her house and distance yourself from him. Start living separate lives.

I have seven grandchildren ranging from age 3 to 27 and my husband is even dafter than me when he’s playing with them and he’s not my children's father but we have been married before the first grandchild came along.
My advice would be the same as others have said have them at their house both days.
But I would also go to relate as your husbands possessiveness isn’t natural and certainly not to be jealous of his grandchildren
Maybe if he doesn’t see them he will hopefully miss them.
But I think your relationship needs addressing no matter what.

My DH is not much better, I cant leave a DGC with him he would just ignore them, They won't be ignored! While he tries to watch TV or use his PC, they climb on his knee and give him hugs. This has definitely softened his attitude. He will accompany us to the park and push them on the swings, but that's the limit.

He sounds insecure and jealous. You are enjoying being a grandparent and look forward to being with the children and have developed a relationship with them that he resents. He has a couple of choices either join in or be the way he is and miss out.

Sorry, can't offer anything constructive as I could not be around someone who was jealous of GC.

My DH is the same, in fairness to him my GCs are not 'of his loins' but he is not much better with his own!
I go the DD house to look after them and when DD and GCs - the latter sometimes on their own - visit I ignore him and his childish behaviour. If it gets worse we will have the discussion re I will not stop seeing them and will move out if it comes to it - on the basis I reckon he would think twice about how he is behaving

difficult one - jealous OH. Can you look after the GC either at your DDs on both days or allocate a separate room so OH has his own space away from the noise and clutter. Look out for any local groups that you might feel happy taking the children to - away from grumpy. Not everyone wants to spend long periods of time with young children. Good luck

The calling my husband ‘ dad ‘ bit.

Germanshepherdsmum

You make a good point Peasblossom. Some grannies can’t talk about anything but their grandchildren. I avoid them like the plague. It reminds me of women years ago (I hope not nowadays!) who once they had children called their husbands Dad. Witness the fictitious Mrs Thursday in Endeavour.

I’m guilty of that! Can’t help it.

Is there more to this than meets the eye?

On the one hand...your husband isn’t interested in the grandchildren. Then you’re considering moving out. Quite a big leap with a chunk of stuff missing from the middle.

Is it that you’re marriage isn’t good? Are your grandchildren the distraction?

Sorry...not quite sure how to answer.

My Mothers older sister kept her distance from her many nieces and nephews till they became teenagers.

Once teenage she engaged with us as adults. She was a most interesting woman, and we quite forgave her lack of interest in us as young children.

Some people do not ‘do’ babies and toddlers, maybe he is one of those people?

If I were you I would I would take no notice of his behaviour, just say that they are not babies long!

Get out of the house with them as much as you can. Or babysit two days at your daughters instead.

Incidentally my husband was the same, ie not interested ( but without the jealousy). I just accept it. Even now he would rather talk music with his son than spend any time whatsoever with the kids.

Oh dear. Mr Dot was just like that when the first 2 came along. And this is a good man, and good dad and a bloody good Grandad now he has 4 more and has got the hang of it.

We Grans have to accept that men don't enjoy grandkids as much as we do, especially when they are little. Mr D often tells me that his workmates feel exactly as he does, that he finds them hard work (or he did when they were babies) and really just didn't enjoy the disruption/sleepless nights (we didn't provide child care whilst the parents work as we are both still working, but had them regularly to stay over.

We ladies, Grans and mums were almost always the primary caregivers to our children and we find it easy to care for and love our grandkids. Sticky hand prints on walls and a bit of jumping on the sofa doesn't really worry us.

Mr D is not as bad as the OP's husband, and now that the older ones are growing up and more have come along he thoroughly enjoys the time we have together, and the grandkids adore him - he plays with them much more than I do (I'm usually running round with a cloth for sticky handprints and cooking favourite food lol)

A bit of a mixed bag of responses, sorry I've probably not been much help but OP - hang in there - it DOES get better

You make a good point Peasblossom. Some grannies can’t talk about anything but their grandchildren. I avoid them like the plague. It reminds me of women years ago (I hope not nowadays!) who once they had children called their husbands Dad. Witness the fictitious Mrs Thursday in Endeavour.

Looking at wellbecks post I wonder?

Is it perhaps not just about the couple of days a week OP? Have you perhaps become absorbed in being a Granny, so that it is the thing at the front of your mind all the time.

I ask because I have experienced it with my friends. When from being people with a husband, friends and interests, everything suddenly pivots only on the grandchildren.

If he’s not that interested it can be a bit trying to have conversations that always somehow go back to the grandchildren, to maybe have furniture rearranged to accommodate them, to be told to join in, even to have activities like shopping hijacked by “Oh look, the grandchildren would like that”.

Maybe he feels that he’s only relevant to your life if he’ll be grandad alongside your chosen role of granny.

Just maybe he’s reached screaming point?

Consider it possible if you can. Unless there other reasons for leaving him, to go because he doesn’t enjoy playing with grandchildren seems a unbalanced.

Good posts welbeck and Lizzy. I can’t believe OP is seriously considering leaving her husband because of his attitude on the one day a week that she looks after the GC at home. Where would that leave her in a few years’ time when they are at school and don’t need her all the time?

Perhaps he didn't budget for them being looked after by yourself & wants his space for the 2 of you back . Small children are hard work even when related !!!

did he agree this arrangement, or did he just have it thrust upon him.
it's his house too.
and i can quite understand a person who is retired having an expectation of being able to relax in his own house.
not everyone finds small children endlessly charming.
they are hard work.
he probably feels that he's done enough of that, and so have you, and now is the stage in life to unwind and be free of care.

No, I don’t patronise men or treat them like babies! I merely like to find ways to bring out the best in people and hope the OP finds a solution. I’m sure you do too.