Husband is reluctant grandfather

He is a grown adult who is jealous that his wife is giving babies attention. If he needs help getting over that he is not worth it. Bin the whole man and start again.

It is sexist because it perpetrates the idea that men need their hands held and encouraged like infants to do the most basic things.

What you described I did to my 5 year old earlier. Honestly no lie.

Come on darling show your sister how brilliant you are at folding your clothes and putting them away. You're always the best at teaching her! Look at her go look why you did! Brilliant show her how you put away your your trousers next.

Can you explain how bringing out the best in a grandfather is damaging and how his wife’s encouragement is sexist?

OK. I just feel like your alternative is damaging and sexist.

Just because I didn’t express fury doesn’t mean I don’t feel it, Bibbity.
I offered an alternative approach in the hope that there might be a better outcome.
The OP has sought advice; surely we can propose a variety of ideas and have them considered.

Nannagarra

If you believe that’s infantilising a grown man, Bibbity, then I strongly disagree. Don’t we all - at any age in life - like to feel a sense of worth, believe we can offer strengths and find we benefit from positive feedback?
My AC and DGC have gained and continue to gain from different aspects in each of us.
I reserve the right to express an alternative opinion and do not appreciate your acerbic comment. Let that be an end of it.

He is an adult conducting appalling behaviour. There is no praise. Only criticism and a demand for the behaviour to cease immediately.

The idea that men need their hands held to behave in a decent is disgraceful and infuriating.

If you wish to stop commenting that is your right. And has no affect on me at all.

I'd just carry on ignoring him. In fact, I'd ignore him much more.

If it's too annoying, I'd be at their house for two days a week. He can be jealous all by himself, then.

You can't make him take an interest, though, and I don't think it's a reason to leave, either.

Luckygirl3

*He says that I ignore him when they are here and he resents that* - is he a toddler?

I would do both care days at your daughter's place and just enjoy your GC - he can go stew in his won juice.

He only talks to them to tell them off

He tells off a 2½ year old and a 15 month old?
He does have real problems.

Yes, he is like an immature and spoilt toddler.
I would go to their house if possible and leave the curmudgeon to his own devices.

If you believe that’s infantilising a grown man, Bibbity, then I strongly disagree. Don’t we all - at any age in life - like to feel a sense of worth, believe we can offer strengths and find we benefit from positive feedback?
My AC and DGC have gained and continue to gain from different aspects in each of us.
I reserve the right to express an alternative opinion and do not appreciate your acerbic comment. Let that be an end of it.

In this day and age, such an old fashioned view. The people in a marriage are equals, neither should be demanding the others attention and complaining when someone is not devoting all their attention to them.

What does he do that requires your constant attention?

If you want to leave it should be possible. even though your pension is small, you will be entitled to Housing Benefit to help pay the rent , Council Tax benefit to help with Council tax and Pension Credit to bring up you pension to a minimum of £177 a week.

Contact your local branch of Age UK and tell them your situation. They will be able to tell you how t claim benefits and how much you are entitled to and could also help you find accommodation.

This sounds just like my husband. He had no interest in babies and small children, including our own. He was much better once they got to secondary school age and, when they were grown up, would spend days fishing with our son. When our first grandson was born he was still working so my having the baby for 5 days a week didn't really impinge. With the two later ones he was ill and spent a lot of time in bed so he didn't see a lot of them but found the noise very trying. Sadly he missed the best bits. He would have got on really well with the oldest one and would be helping him build a state of the art computer but all he saw of them was the messy noisy bit that he couldn't stand.

Nannagarra

Is there a possibility he needs the DGCs’ attention and not yours, that he feels awkward so complains and distances himself from them?
Could you suggest he’s better than you are dealing with x/y/z they need even though you’re with them? Remind him of something he particularly brought to your DD’s upbringing (e.g. reading a storybook) and boost his confidence to repeat it with your DGC.
If he engages with them and receives a favourable response, it might be just what he needs and the solution for you all. Gradually wean him in…
Tell him you need - not want - his help and experience.
Good luck.

I could not imagine having to infantilise a grown man to this extent in the hopes he becomes half decent.

Do the care at your daughters house. Some people just do not like having young children about. Your Husband does sound childish though.

own

He says that I ignore him when they are here and he resents that - is he a toddler?

I would do both care days at your daughter's place and just enjoy your GC - he can go stew in his won juice.

You are in a difficult situation. I understand if your DH is not comfortable with two very young children around. However all he has to do is keep out of the way . Obviously you can't take your eyes off them for a minute to give your DH the attention he seems to need. Would it be possible for you to spend both childcare days at your daughters house ? My husband has been happy to have our GC here for day care , didn't do much but popped in to spend short periods of time with them before disappearing into the garage!

Is there a possibility he needs the DGCs’ attention and not yours, that he feels awkward so complains and distances himself from them?
Could you suggest he’s better than you are dealing with x/y/z they need even though you’re with them? Remind him of something he particularly brought to your DD’s upbringing (e.g. reading a storybook) and boost his confidence to repeat it with your DGC.
If he engages with them and receives a favourable response, it might be just what he needs and the solution for you all. Gradually wean him in…
Tell him you need - not want - his help and experience.
Good luck.

I actually think you are looking after THREE children! Your OH sounds like a self centred, spoilt brat and he needs to grow up and embrace the time spent with the GC.

He sounds a bit of a pain but I suspect he is jealous of the relationship you have with your GC. My husband is pretty good with ours, we take them on holiday with us and it works really well because we are in a different environment but I've noticed that he doesn't have the patience for the mess and noise in the house although it's me that cooks for them and clears everything up! I think the advice to do both days at your daughters house is a good one. They have all their toys and stuff there, you won't be walking on eggshells with him and you won't have the mess either. He loses out on a close and loving relationship with them as they get older. Enjoy your time with them, it soon passes and they grow up so quickly. He may be better with them when they are older.

I seem to have fallen into a post Xmas slump and have done bugger all today. Dh has coped with not having any attention because he is a grown adult. When he is at work I manage to struggle through without his attention. I actually would expect anyone of over 10 to possess this skill.

Oh dear grandad does sound rather like a small boy himself. I wonder if he is another old gentlemen who didn't think retirement included having his house full of small children twice a week. I have a feeling this is more common than we grans might think. I would stop trying to actively include him specially whilst they are so small, he obviously isn't going to join in. Could you find a small play group nearby or make sure you take them out during the day they are with you, perhaps a visit to the swings. Maybe as they get bigger they may charm him into taking more interest. Also have a chat with him if you can, what is behind this attitude?

Notjustaprettyface you feel like moving out but can't afford it as your pension is not enough. Sounds as though there is a lot more going on than just your Husband not being interested in the grandchildren. It does seem quite a harsh reaction to his disinterest in them.

Does your daughter know that her father has no time for her children? He sounds very odd indeed.

Sounds like a big baby to me. Moaning about not having attention when his grandchildren are there. The grumpier he becomes the less the children will want to bother with him and gravitate more towards you which won't help his bruised ego. I wouldn't pander to him. Put your foot down.

I cannot imagine what attention a grown man needs whilst you are looking after two young children that are no more than babies
He tells them off .....really
He does sound very childish especially being as they are his own grandchildren. I would look after them both days in their own home they don't need to be picking up on his distaste for them.

Is he controlling with you in any other way? If he's jealous of anyone else you have contact with, it suggests he might be.