Stepping back from in-laws who show favouritism

annoyedmom1 You said:

I think a big problem is my husband sees them as good people and wants my kids to be close with them. He wants them to babysit and have sleepovers.

So the "big problem" isn't with "boundaries" or your your husband, or PIL; it's with you. And from what I extrapolated from your OP, your resentment of them has its roots in your jealousy of your sister in law and the time, money and attention that your in laws bestow on her.

His family throws fits and demands time alone with the kids. His parents want us to drop the kids off 4 hours away at their place.

This is a bit of a drip feed because in your previous posts, you've never mentioned them wanting "alone time" with your children or that they expect you to drop the children off at your expense.

You said If they were willing to come here and watch them they would be welcome but, on 05.01.2022 @ 23.12 you said I don’t allow babysitting or sleepovers which somewhat contradicts your willingness.

Just my personal observation, going off what you've told us; your bitterness, anger and resentment stems entirely on your jealousy of how your PILs are financially more generous towards their daughter. This doesn't seem to be as much of a problem to your husband as it does to you and, as you've admitted that he wants his children to have a closer relationship with their paternal grandparents, you're in danger of coming unstuck if you continue to use the children as a weapon against them. Try looking beyond the allocation of money, who pays for holidays and travel and who buys birthday presents for who...... concentrate on what's good for the children.

Good post Chewbacca

To be honest, my In laws favoured my sister in law and her children too and gave them a lot of practical and financial support and us none. I did resent it a bit but had to just accept that is how things were. Life is too short for one-upmanship, just let them get on with their lives and you get on with yours.

Just my personal observation, going off what you've told us; your bitterness, anger and resentment stems entirely on your jealousy of how your PILs are financially more generous towards their daughter. This doesn't seem to be as much of a problem to your husband as it does to you and, as you've admitted that he wants his children to have a closer relationship with their paternal grandparents, you're in danger of coming unstuck if you continue to use the children as a weapon against them. Try looking beyond the allocation of money, who pays for holidays and travel and who buys birthday presents for who...... concentrate on what's good for the children.

This absolutely.

I would also add that you seem intent on driving a wedge between your PIL and their son, your DH, stopping your DGC having a loving relationship with their grandparents, their aunt and their cousin because of your jealousy and bitterness over who has had what materially.

I'd advise you to stop trying to control your DH and making him choose between his family and you.

Sorry - stopping your DC having a loving relationship with their grandparents,

OMG, yet another complicated post, half a million seems an awful lot of financial help to have been given to one child. I really don’t know what to think so can’t really comment

Good post Calistemon. OP seems so hard, bitter and controlling. I feel sorry for her husband and children. She seems to rule the roost.

Is this another spoof? I’m finding it hard to tell these days.

I'd not like the favouritism for my children or husband (I believe 500k is a lot of favouritism). Ten visits a year seems much more than adequate. GPs don't need to babysit or have sleepovers.

Talk this with DH, agree to some shared plan going forward.

Parents rules-- it seems your PIL have different rules for their AC. Perhaps DH and you could agree to treat your children without favouritism, maybe that would resonate.

Ladyleftfieldlover

Is this another spoof? I’m finding it hard to tell these days.

It's not easy, is it, but best to treat these threads as if they are real. There is nowt so strange as folk.

And, there it is again…Your house. It is also her son’s and grandchildren’s house. You are the one making this all about you in my opinion as I attempt to look through the eyes of a Grandmother, walking on eggshells, trying to see her grandchildren whilst no doubt worried and supporting her other child and baby. No mother in your MiL’s situation has the peace of mind to focus on her own life. You stipulation that your SiL won’t be allowed to visit your home when her parents are visiting shows no understanding of what your MiL is coping with.

Do try to see how others will suffer, especially the children and their relationship as cousins.

I've not seen a reason why you couldn't all go see PIL, SIL, baby at SIL house near to you, for an hour or so? Could that calm the visiting problem?

The more I read the OPs comments, the more I think it's a spoof, along with a couple of other threads in the last few days.

Let's hope so Curlywhirly; for everyone's sake.

Annoyedmom1

Is your DH the father of your children? It seems you are reluctant to answer that question, so are you assuming the grandparents on his side think less of them because they're not biologically his?
What do you mean by you 'don't allow babysitting'?

Maybe not a real post here but if it is OP sounds horrible and entitled. and wanting to use people rather than enjoying family life as it is. Poor children! ?

Ali08 & Elaine
I think you’ll find that the OP isn’t reading this thread anymore.

Message deleted by Gransnet for breaking our forum guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Yes. The kids are my husbands kids.

With don’t allow babysitting I meant we don’t use babysitters regularly. My in-laws ask but we decline. I have no problem asking them if a need arises (just like i would ask my family); my family will come to my house to help out. In-laws would expect babysitting to take place in their home which is hours away.

annoyesmom1 Have you taken any time to read through your own posts. You come over a really nasty person. You seem to be extremely controlling - both of your children and your husband.

I can easily imagine your In-laws putting in a post in a similar forum quite bewildered as to the actions of the DiL in trying to limit their access to their g.children. And the fact that she has forbidden her husband's sister from visiting.

Before you try to discuss your in-laws behavior and actions, perhaps you should start to look into your own.

You mention you have a 'Counsellor' Perhaps some really honest discussion with them about your feelings and actions would be in order.

I'm in a similar situation.
MIL estranged from her daughter. We kind of stayed neutral. SIL likes to buddy up to people and use them (free horse stable, free rent, etc). She was on person number 3 when she burned that bridge and was going to be homeless. So in-laws bought them a house ($450k house + $25k on bills). As soon as SIL got pregnant, they forgot about our kids completely.

They used to ask at least once a fortnight/month for one of our boys to spend the day or overnight. Once SIL had her baby, they didn't want to anymore. They've had the boys over twice in 3 years.

I guess that they were scared of SIL estranging again so keep throwing money at her. We have been taken for granted. Meanwhile SIL still talks nasty about them behind their backs.

Hubby just accepts it. "She's the princess" and "always been the spoiled one." He does get upset at times. He knows how unfair it is.

We still see in-laws about once a month but I no longer really communicate or send photos. All up to hubby. I'm still very polite and friendly when we see them. Hubby still calls them once a day. The only time they call him or invite him over it's because they want IT help.

Our country shut down last year in August. MIL started sobbing and carrying on about not seeing her grandkids. Lady you had all year to see them but the only time you invited us over was for only hubby and it was to fix your computer. Don't pretend to care now.

Honestly I don't think it will be long before we distance even more, but I'm leaving that up to hubby. I really don't know how to have a conversation about this with them. I get too emotional and don't think it would go down well. So I guess I sit back and the resentment will continue to build.

FWIW I think you're right to leave any decision to put more distance between you and your in law's to your husband Ironflower.

What do your parents in law say when you invite them over to see you and your children Ironflower? Do they accept the invitation?

Wow - you're prepared to still see them 10 times a year, so I don't really see a problem! You are being more than generous already under the circumstances. Live your best life, try not to over think the situation.
You are being more than fair.

I wonder what you will do OP if in years to come one of your children struggles with life and has problems? Will you insist they are only given exactly the same as their siblings even though they may need more? Or will you, like most parents meet that child's needs, effectively making them the favourite just as your in-laws have.
It's silly and useless to behave as you are doing to your in-laws. Will they change? Of course not. Try just accepting they are doing their best just as most of us do. Then make your decisions without resentment focussing on what is best for your children and not how you feel about your in-laws.
I do wonder why you won't permit "fun" sessions are you perhaps afraid your children might enjoy time with your in-laws?