Stepping back from in-laws who show favouritism

annoyedmom1

I don’t allow babysitting or sleepovers. We have a new boundary that sil is not allowed to be present when we have mil and fil over for a visit. She used to tag along all the time. She was expecting us to spend a lot of time together because our kids are close in age but we have shut that down.

I’m open to the in-laws babysitting when necessary but not for “fun” if that makes sense. If there’s a time we could use help I’ll expect them to babysit in my home without sil present. They will push back and insist on their home and then we will end up using my family who respect our wishes and babysit in our home.

Wow you display a very harsh attitude. I feel rather sorry for your husband. Would it not be nice to try and get on with your in laws? And why shouldn’t they have time with the grandchildren ? You sound as if you are very accustomed to getting your own way .
Why is SIL banned from visiting ?

My thoughts precisely Calistemon.

OP you sound as if your behaviour is very controlling.
Your husband must have his own views on his relationship with his parents.
It seems as if you want everything to be on your terms, poor man. Is he a doormat?

Blimey, does the op read her own words?
The in laws want to do more and she won't let them because of favouritism to the sister?

Your husband appears to have jumped out of the frying pan into the fire.

I'm sure it must be awful feeling your DH isn't being treated fairly, but I think you're being far too bull-headed about this. You cant solve something he doesn't want to address, however wrong you think it is, and by trying to control his parent's behaviour you will be making things very difficult for your DH and children.

Sometimes there are things that you just have to accept. Maybe limit contact but not quite as strictly as your are suggesting.

No favourites here, but see more of some, than others …..
Daughter’s children (teenagers now) were actually ‘brought up’ by myself and son-in-law’s parents. Middle son’s children, I have hardly looked after or babysat (they’re choice, not mine). Daughter-in-law’s mother does it all. Youngest son’s children, I have babysat occasionally, but by the time they came along, I made it quite clear that I wasn’t going to be involved in regular child care as I was older and done my bit so to speak. Daughter in law’s mother is a good 12 years younger than me. I think they appreciated my honesty, and there were no hard feelings (I hope).

Calistemon, good point! From the gradparent POW, do I treat them 'equally' - no!

Elder daughter I see about weekly, babysit (here) a lot - and I brought up her son until he was ten - so I know her children very well.

The other daughter lives much further away, so I see her two or three times a year, when the family stay for a long weekend (no babysitting).

Younger son, although he lives near the first daughter, I see every couple of months or so. He works long hours. Sometimes I babysit (here) but not very often.

The eldest son lives in NZ (no children) and would usually stay for a month every year but, due to Covid, I haven't seen him for over two years.

I've helped out the middle two with house deposits. (I offered, they didn't expect or ask.) When I downsize (or die) the others will get more, to compensate, but they'll have to wait.

I hardly know the various partners or in-laws. I'm really not that interested in being very involved or included in their family lives, although I get along with them. I do have my own life to live!

(Let's hope nobody is counting the contact time, babysitting - or finances - and getting jealous or resentful about it.)

Has anyone else dealt with a situation like this?

You're asking the PILs, the Grandparents on here.
Is that what you want, a different perspective, or do you want the input of people your own age in which case Mumsnet might be of more help.

To be fair I don’t really ask my parents to babysit either nor do the kids sleepover. So that’s where that statement is coming from.

I do drop the kids off if I need to run an errand. I’ve also asked my husband to ask his mom to come watch them but he doesn’t.

Childcare / babysitting is when we need it. We visit with both sets of families maybe once or twice a month as a family.

I don’t allow babysitting or sleepovers

Does your husband have any say in what happens to your children? Between his parents and you dictating what happens to the children, I'm not surprised he doesn't want to rock the boat! Poor chap's between a rock and a hard place!

I’m open to the in-laws babysitting when necessary but not for “fun” if that makes sense.

So you resent your in laws having the level of interaction that they do with their other grandchildren, but you're happy to use them for babysitting your children when it's convenient to you - just so long as they don't have any fun whilst doing it?

If there’s a time we could use help I’ll expect them to babysit in my home

I hope they tell you where to get off! If they babysit for you, they're doing you a favour (unless you're paying them the going rate).

Isn't it quite common for parents, especially mothers, to be closer to a daughter's family than a sons? Why the obsessive need to calculate, compare, contrast - and control? Why the 'tit for tat' reaction, the resentment? It seems that you have jealousy issues and are set on revenge - such a shame for the children.

I was thinking the same Doodle. Is your H the children's father annoyedmom?

Your posts seem to be more about you, what you want and your expectations than they are about your H and his relationship with his parents and sister.

As Chewbacca said, they are his parents so it's up to him whether or not he discusses this with them. Sorry but saying your in laws can baby sit "when necessary but not for fun" doesn't make any sense to me. Grand parents are more than unpaid convenient baby sitters, or at least they should be.

Yes for sure their help is up to them. But at the same time we are free to see whom we want to see. Since we are still seeing the in-laws and not cutting them off, I guess they will just need to accept that our time with them will be limited.

The other sibling and his partner have also started to distance themselves from the family. They too are uncomfortable with the favouritism.

Goodness me you don’t sound very nice yourself!

I think you need to build your relationship with the in-laws without comparing it to their relationship with others.

If your children love spending time with granparents, good. Allow as much time as is comfortable without counting hours or money spent. If you are biased in your views, your children will pick up on this.

The only time I would limit visiting would be if blatant favourtism happened in front of the children, for example DIL child allowed to have or do something that yours are not. Children will pick up on that and ask questions. but otherwise, if time spent together is loving, please don't compare.

I don’t allow babysitting or sleepovers. We have a new boundary that sil is not allowed to be present when we have mil and fil over for a visit. She used to tag along all the time. She was expecting us to spend a lot of time together because our kids are close in age but we have shut that down.

I’m open to the in-laws babysitting when necessary but not for “fun” if that makes sense. If there’s a time we could use help I’ll expect them to babysit in my home without sil present. They will push back and insist on their home and then we will end up using my family who respect our wishes and babysit in our home.

annoyedmom1, I wonder why you resent their support of his sister - so much. Perhaps they give their financial support and company where it's really needed, rather than 'fairly'. Surely, that's up to them?

Why not just accept the situation, as your husband does?

annoyedmum1 my husband sees them as good people and wants my kids to be close to them .Are they not your husbands children too? If not, I can understand some of your concerns but if they are his children too I would think he was entitled to have an opinion as to what happens to his kids,

We cross posted.
Do NOT follow his lead - no babysitting or overnights

I hope the counselor gives him tools to see rhe dysfunction and how to manage it

What do you think discussing it with them will achieve?

They may deny it, not recognize it, etc

Follow your dh's lead.

I think a big problem is my husband sees them as good people and wants my kids to be close with them. He wants them to babysit and have sleepovers.

I’m simply too uncomfortable with the family dynamic to allow this. Our counsellor has said my husband is deeply blind when it comes to them. Which is understandable. But at the same time I will not hesitate to protect my kids from this behaviour. It’s just very unfortunate.

It’s also unbelievable that my mil accuses us of favouring my family when she favours her kid with everything.

Hopefully we can continue to reduce contact.

My husband doesn’t want to discuss the favouritism with them. But I do.

They're not your parents to have that discussion with; it's for your husband to sort it out with them, not you. If you really can't tolerate being with them, then it's for the best that you don't go on holiday with them and your husband can visit them on his own.

I think you need to follow his lead. Getting into it yourself will do you no favours.

10 times a year is still quite often, so don’t feel guilty. I don’t get to see some people I adore that often!