Retire to care for 1yr old?

GoldenAge

mrsbirdy

Firstly, I agree with those on here who think that if you want a relationship with your grandchild it's good to get in at the start. I have no regrets about moving 250 miles to be near our daughter when she decided to have children. Now teenagers they call on us most days and we still do our turn chauffeuring to their many activities. These are relationships that will sustain us in our really old age.
Secondly, I agree that a 70 mile distance is too much if it's a round trip of 140 miles, but I don't think 35 miles is too much. I drove 35 miles to work for 18 years. I found it therapeutic. But there was the odd day when I got snowed in and if this is the one day when you are expected to drive you have a problem.

My suggestion is that you organise with your daughter to travel there the night before she needs you, and that you leave the morning after you finish doing your child-minding. That will give you more rest and more chance to get to know your grandchild. It will also give you several other days to maybe find a part-time job if you need one, or to do some other voluntary work so that you don't feel the loneliness of retirement.

This is like the diary of a slave to children! Moving to be near .when they've patently moved well away from you! Still being an unpaid taxi? I've seen it with my sister using parents for 40+ years then slam!! In very old age?shoved in a home and !EFT to it! I was never ever included in the others' holidays etc and living in each others pockets and was bemused by mums shock when she did get dumped!

And another thought, who's footing the fuel bill? Car getting a hammering too. Believe me one year old turns to 2and playschool/nursery in a trice then you may find yourself belting up and down to and from playschool etc and the more you do , honestly the more DD will expect.

I dropped my working week to 4 days so that I can drive 60 miles on Tuesday night for an overnight stay with my D-i-L, ready for a busy Wednesday with my nearly 2 year old GS, and then drive back on Wednesday evening. It's my favourite day of the week and well worth the travel to be a regular part of his early life (which I missed with my own grandparents and also with my children's grandparents who lived further away). I wouldn't retire to do it, but my employer was very flexible when he knew how much I wanted to enable my D-i-L to return to her work as a primary school teacher.

One day only? And is that a 140mile round trip? Even at 70 it's a hike.ok in glorious spring/summer but winter? Not worth giving up your job early for. I think it's a tall order and sounds a bit selfish? Think carefully before ditching the job you'll find it impossible to get another if circs should change.

The amount of State pension you received would be affected if you retire before your state pension age. However you can claim National Insurance credits for looking after grandchildren. They are called "Specified adult childcare credits"

In a nutshell, no I would not drive 70 miles AND retire early to babysit my child, it's a bit selfish for your daughter to ask! You put yourself first as I'm sure you've put others first all of your adult life, no, no and no!!

I feel a mistake women make is drop their own lives for family

What happens if these plans don't work?

You are your own person first, with your identity, a grandmother second

I wouldn’t do it for a 70 mile drive even retired. If you continued to work it would probably be cheaper, less stressful (what if you get held up by an accident and didn’t arrive on time, stressful for you, parents and possibly child) if you paid for child to go to nursery for that day. There are huge benefits for a child to go to nursery such as socialising and learning. Both my grandchildren benefitted through going to nursery and you would only pay for the day until they turn 3 as the government provide up to 15 hours free child care places. Retire when you want not because you need to become a carer. If your daughter says well you will have the opportunity to bond, you can do that anyway if you see your grandchild regularly. My advice is not to retire, if you like your life as it is now and for another few years.

My offspring live a long way from me, so we couldn't do daycare if we wanted to. Pre Covid we went down for a long weekend taking in what I still call Baker days and looked after GC on Friday or Monday it always worked very well. Until just before Covid, we went to do Thursday and Friday.
All was well until Friday afternoon when I had had enough of playing games. My GD aged 6 picked up on this and suggested DH and her could go for a walk. They were away about 2 and a half hours and I began to worry. Both came back with grins.Dh said he had been led along a country path he roughly knew across a field and through a hedge to a country pub with tables. GD suggested they had some refreshments and a packet of crisps!!
I would say think carefully, your job is your independence and what you commit to is not always what you get.
People in our village found commuting 20 x2 every day too much so bought a house near their DH. They left a village where they were well known and ended up after three years in a house in an area where they knew no one and the child had started school they were redundant.

mrsbirdy

Firstly, I agree with those on here who think that if you want a relationship with your grandchild it's good to get in at the start. I have no regrets about moving 250 miles to be near our daughter when she decided to have children. Now teenagers they call on us most days and we still do our turn chauffeuring to their many activities. These are relationships that will sustain us in our really old age.
Secondly, I agree that a 70 mile distance is too much if it's a round trip of 140 miles, but I don't think 35 miles is too much. I drove 35 miles to work for 18 years. I found it therapeutic. But there was the odd day when I got snowed in and if this is the one day when you are expected to drive you have a problem.

My suggestion is that you organise with your daughter to travel there the night before she needs you, and that you leave the morning after you finish doing your child-minding. That will give you more rest and more chance to get to know your grandchild. It will also give you several other days to maybe find a part-time job if you need one, or to do some other voluntary work so that you don't feel the loneliness of retirement.

A few questions to ask yourself:

Do you even want to do this?

Do you like work? Can you afford to retire?

Is there a plan for bad weather days? Will you need to spend nights (is there room), what if you can’t make it due to weather or illness?

Will you be paid?

What will be expected of you? Childcare? Cleaning? Cooking?

Is this going to be the only grandchild??are you prepared to do this for other grandchildren?

Can you quit with no hard feelings? What if they fire you?

This is a huge thing they are asking of you. Personally (and I know I’m an odd one out) I don’t love grandparent daycare. I dislike the feelings of duty that often come with it. I wanted to be able to manage childcare without the guilt that comes with family care.

That said, for one offs and weekends I think it’s great to help out if a grandparent wants.

In the OPs situation I would apply to work part-time as she loves her job
Then I would drive up the day before and stay overnight making it a regular visit.
That's the only way I would consider this due to the distance unless DD would drop off DGC at my home and I would drop them back staying overnight at DDs.

That's quite a tie. Only do it if you really, really want to and can afford to.

don't give up your job if you still enjoy it.It's just too long a drive,I hope your daughter can understand,and can make other arrangements.

I helped with my first grandchildren three full days a week. On two occasions because of illness full time for a couple of months it aged me terribly. My third grandchild was born and I was asked to go twice a week to child mind. Its over sixty miles away I said no I will not drive that far plus I did not want commitment. I felt mean but willingly child mind on the odd occasion that’s not a problem.

Silvertwigs

@ GagaJo I wish that were the case for me! I’ve my 19 year old GD living with me, not working and refuses to study or do any form of voluntary work, I’m at my wits end!! ??

Ah, that's a different kettle of fish.

My adult DD (and DGS) live with me. DD is very hard to live with although she is thankfully working now.

Yes, do it if you want to. I have been driving 85 miles each way for five years now. I used to go up on a Sunday evening and drive home Monday evening one day a week. I used to work Wednesday Thursday and Friday then too. Could you work three days a week instead of four? GD is five now and at school. I now collect her from school two days a week (I stay over) and drive home when the first parent gets home. I retired three years ago because of changes at work, but considered it carefully. I have no regrets and still love it.

Here are some questions I would like to suggest that you ask yourself before making up your mind:

Do you enjoy your work?
Can you afford to retire now?
If you retire and spend 1 day a week looking after your grandson, what are you going to do for the rest of the week?
Do you enjoy driving?
Who will be paying the petrol? You, or your daughter?
Why does she only need child-care one day a week?
How well do you and she get on?
Will she be paying you, or are you helping for free?
Do you enjoy looking after small children?

I love being retired, nothing would persuade me to go back to work, and I love looking after children, but that said, I don't think I would drive either 2x 35 miles or 2x 70 miles to do so.

But it all depends a great deal on how you and your daughter get on.

There are lots of posts on here about the joys and problems of grandparents providing child-care. Have you read them? If not, please have a look.

It is hard to say no to our children, or other family, and even harder to imagine that problems might occur.

If you decide to retire now and agree to your daughter's suggestion, please sit down with her before you do anything else and work out EXACTLY what services you are expected to provide, discuss discipline, food, shopping etc. and write down what you agree on. It may come in very useful at some point in the future. And remember to discuss whether she can expect you to jump in at the drop of a hat and stay for a whole week every time the little one is ill, as I assume she cannot stay off work to cope with a sick kiddy.

I would also ask her how long she envisages this arrangement going on for. Do you want to be tied to one day a week at her place until he starts school?

I would also tell her that driving to hers, looking after a toddler all day and driving home again afterwards is too much, so you will need to spend the night at her place, either, preferably, as you will be tired after looking after the little one all dayat the end of that day - but that may not be practicable if it means a very early start for you in the morning. So driving to her the day before, staying overnight, looking after your grandson, then driving home may be the better option.

I would - particularly if physically and financially ok

Good grief. Not a chance!

You could offer ££ help towards the costs of nursery childcare and visit them when it suits you and maybe occasional weekend babysitting?

No absolutely not, if you are asking advice and opinions you must know deep down it’s a big deal. 70 mile round journey or each way? A good idea might be book annual leave for four weeks in a row on that day, see how you get on… at 65 you will giving up a wage, also spending money on fuel, less interaction with colleagues and one year olds are hard work. I’d stick with enjoying being a visiting grandma, if your daughter is desperate and can’t afford childcare, you’d almost be better off paying for childcare for her, the money and time you’d loose. Saying that, if you don’t like work and the money is pocket money and you’ll stay at daughters and enjoy your time there, then of course you should do it x

I'd just say no

I had a similar dilemma a year ago but I was retired. Both of my daughters thought I should commit to childcare 1 day a week involving a 70 mile round trip. I stood firm….said that DH and I would always help out as child care back up and also for the occasional weekend or overnight stay. I also offered to make a monthly contribution to both daughters for childcare. It’s all worked out very well. We tend to go once a week anyway when the children are not at nursery school so we have a great relationship with them. We are not obligated in any way and we really enjoy going for a few hours on our own terms. I brought up 3 daughters and worked hard as a teacher. I do not intend to be tied to regular commitments anymore!!

70 miles is a long journey, especially during the winter months. However, I retired at 58 after my first DGC was born, 2nd one arrived 21 months later. It was always my wish to take care of any GC as I didn't want them to be placed in a nursery setting so young. It is tiring, but wow what a privilege. I did 3 days a week now its school run morning and afternoon 2 days a week. I only live 2 mile for them so that is a bonus. I have a lovely relationship with them both and I am sure this has been enhanced by our close relationship since birth.

@ GagaJo I wish that were the case for me! I’ve my 19 year old GD living with me, not working and refuses to study or do any form of voluntary work, I’m at my wits end!! ??