Paternal Grandmother

Replies are not all directed to OP, GN members refer to each other, bring in knowledge from elsewhere (other threads)

I quite deliberately left my contribution to the second page of this thread for the OP to receive lots of support from other members, before I expressed my very real concerns about the way we seem to be having a wave of grandparents posting on GN because they are demanding or expect to see their DGC far more frequently than their parents want it to be, or have time for it to be.

Some of them are very emotional and upset about it, but how did they come to have these expectations that cause them such unhappiness when they are not met?

I am concerned when we hear from people who have geared their whole life round being grandparents and are left, almost, without any resources to fall back on, with their whole life without sense of purpose, when for any reason, they do not get as much contact with their DGC as they have come to believe they should have.

I cannot remember it happening when my children were babies 1970-75, nor in my own childhood, or even with my own DGC.

And the grief is almost entirely about access to baby/toddler grandchildren, as if they were toys, never with DGC with minds and preferences of their own, which I find is when they grow most interesting.

"Grandparents have no rights and nor should they. I am constantly amazed at the number of grandparents who are demanding time alone with very small babies or worrying that they get less time than the other parent whoever they be.

We seem to have so many grandmothers on here saying they don’t get enough time with grandchildren and the other grandparents get more. The baby isn’t a toy to take turns with and it’s not a competition. I can only conclude that these people have no other interests in their lives."

SPOT ON

Yes MOnica I sometimes wonder why grandparents think they are going to see and do so much for the GC, I know some do but quite often there are very stressful circumstances involved. 4 months is so small and once a week a lovely chance to see them and catch up on news. Please enjoy the time you get it goes so quickly and don't speak to son who is already stressed out.

"Also I assume your DIL is on maternity leave, her mother is not just seeing her grandson, she may be primarily spending time with her daughter, and of course that entails spending time with the baby too but it's not just her visiting the baby."

This part of luluaugust post really struck a chord with me. When my daughters were on maternity leave, what I really enjoyed was spending time with them, as much or even more than their babies. Maternal grandmothers are not trying to push out paternal grandmothers.
My grandchildren who have still got paternal grandmothers are just as close to them as they are to me, even if they didn't see as much of them when they were tiny.

Similarly with my reference which Madgran wrongly attributed to MOnica

No I didn't attribute it wrongly , I knew it was two different posters but I mistakenly did not highlight the two posters names in the quote. Apologies for that .

Monica Replies are not all directed to OP, GN members refer to each other, bring in knowledge from elsewhere (other threads)

Monica I quite deliberately left my contribution to the second page of this thread for the OP to receive lots of support from other members, before I expressed my very real concerns about the way we seem to be having a wave of grandparents posting on GN because they are demanding or expect to see their DGC far more frequently than their parents want it to be, or have time for it to be

Ok Monica, fair enough.

I do actually agree that there are lots of posts on here where grandparents seem to want more time and to be comparing with the other grandparents. Within the context of the bigger picture I suppose all the ones who are not viewing things like that aren't going to bother to post about their lack of wanting more time/non-comparison with other grandparents though. So I'm not sure if it is a bigger phenomenon these days or whether it is just more out in the open because of social media!

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

No
No
No
Hell no!

Richie97

Once a week! I’d love that. My only grandchild lives just too far away for easy visiting. Actually son and granddaughter have just been for two nights, which was lovely. We probably see them every two or three weeks. There are no paternal grandparents but even when my son’s partner’s mother was still alive (she died 3 years ago) because she had dementia, she took little notice of her granddaughter. Fortunately I get on well with son’s partner and she is happy for me to take granddaughter out for the day. Yes, once a week - I would love that!

I would just point out that once a week is a good amount of time to see a very new baby. Also as others said, mum may be on maternity leave. Just wait another year or so, when the baby becomes a toddler - they may well be calling and begging you for help!

I know it is hard but try to think of the parents' point of view. My mother in law "popped round" several times a day. We moved house to be further away

I went through this... paternal grandmother, I left work, early retirement, moved back here, not too near, envisaging ... ah!
it never happened.. not close ,as such to my gks.. eldest 24 now, second eldest 21, then two younger ones.. I feel "closer" to the two older ones,,, my dil, was a stay at home mum, so...

life doesn`t always turn out as we hoped for.

Four months? Bide your time and give yourself a hug. Be loving when you visit. And patient!

BlueSparkle41, I have been in exactly same position as you and gs is now 22. It's hurtful and Dil told my aunt I would be gran in name only.

My DILs family have the appointments system which our family have never had. Ours just pop in anytime which is nice.
It's resulted in all our DSs family not visiting apart from his sister.
We just ring our son now and he always says pop in which works well for us to see the DGC.
She is more welcoming now since she's not spoken to her mother for 2 years apart from a visit at Xmas.
Tried to dominate her own mum and her mum wasn't having any of it.
At least you are seeing the baby once a week. Keep it friendly is my advice and don't make waves

Norah and MOnica are pretty harsh. The OP has already spoken of her early losses and her hopes. Surely that is what we can be sympathetic about?

do not feel guilty about your thoughts. Paternal grandparents often see the grandbabies less. Just happens. We too have the appt system in place. Every three weeks we get approximately 90 mins with our son and his family.
However we get the photos and the videos.
Again, feelings don't always make sense it is how we feel . However I am grateful my son sends me messages during the week and that we are involved ,virtually, in their life
Congratulations on your grandbaby

Some interesting comments, I have 2 sons and one daughter so know I will hopefully be the paternal grandparent at some stage. As others have said do not have that quiet word with your son my ex mother in law did that all the time and it used to infuriate me, and she saw a lot of my children as my parents lived some distance away.

Living 30+ miles away from DS &DDiL I see my DGC every 2-4 weeks! I would love to see them more often but it isnt easy with travel & both working! So I make the most of the day I spend with them, a chance to see DS & spend time with DDiL too. Spending what my DGS calls ‘Nerd Time’ is great as we are all ‘Nerds’! DGD is Barbie mad right now so have to pretend! Maternal GM does not bother so MGF & I do get more time which makes us happy. My Ex just doesnt bother! We have never felt in competition but can understand those that do as being Grandparents can be a minefield. So take your time OP & build a loving relationship as the baby grows.

OP
I really feel for you. I am very lucky that I am close to my DIL and can see our 9 month DGS whenever I want.

Some people seem to forget….this your sons child also! Doesn’t he get a say in it? I would be upset if my son didn’t ‘allow’ me to see his child and would absolutely expect him to have a word!

Saying that please don’t do the popping in thing and just enjoy the time you have been allocated to see your DGS…I hope things improve for you x

I have 3 sons , no Grandchildren yet . I don't have any Great Expectations of being more closely involved than DILs own mother . The mother naturally has a much closer bond with her child .
I have come to realise that parents of sons do get the short straw . Although I get on very well with my DIL and live nearby I wasn't included in any wedding arrangements , it hurt initially but I decided it wasn't worth causing upset by expecting to be . I contributed an equal amount towards it and just got on with it .I expect the same will happen with Grandchildren .
Our son invites us if he wants help with DIY and we go but we rarely get invited otherwise and I never drop in.
I think after the birth of a baby a daughter will want her mother , however well you get on you can't replicate that and boys just don't see it quite often . They're busy at work etc etc .
I think boys just grow into Men and they grow away from you especially after they get married
Once a week is quite good . Try not to compare yourself to the other Grandparents , be there if they call on you , and enjoy the once a week for what it is .
I do understand how you feel though.

VioletSky

BlueSparkle I think you are looking at this wrong

It is not down to your son and DIL to do what you need to sooth your envy, it is down to you to find a way to move past it

I know you are offering help but too many offers are going to come across as needy and badgering

Bring invited over once a week is fantastic, even if you feel that time is too scheduled the important part is that they are making that time for you.

Please stop pushing to have your grandchild alone, it's not necessary for you or for your grandchild and it is not what the parents want.

Maybe focus on offering something once a month on your terms, a picnic in the park, a day out somewhere, a meal at your house where they don't have to play host.

Treat them as a family unit and don't push for separating them before they are ready and I think things will change for the better

this absolutely and DO NOT pop round.

My husband was one of nine children and my MIL was far more interested in her daughter’s children, and she didn’t drive so the only time she saw our children was when we went to her. Which was fine, they were quite fond of her, but my own mother was by far the favourite! I was quite happy with the situation as she certainly never interfered.

We have 3 DDs and a DS. All their in laws are very pleasant. DD3s in laws live abroad but the other 2 sets aren’t far away. I was lucky to have spent quite a bit of time with the DDs and their babies before they went back to work and I helped out with childcare one day a week for each household after that. They’re all at school now. It’s totally different with DS and DIL. We live near them but make a point of not “popping in.” DILs parents live quite far away but get all the quality time. When the GC were little our DIL arranged all her appointments and outings to take place whilst they were staying there. They go to stay with her parents every school holiday. We do get to see them but it’s not the same and never will be. I wish our DS would fight our corner but he doesn’t see the need.